//------------------------------// // Pown-ing ponies // Story: Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic // by Good Christian Ethesto //------------------------------// Authors note; I really should get back to typing my raptor story... People are going to kill me if I don't. Oh who am I kidding, no one cares that much. Oh well, I'm having too much fun typing about halos and shit. --------------- Now what the hell am I supposed to do? Time goes too slow, how am I supposed to entertain myself for 24 hours 7 days a week? That's too long! I mean, it's only like noon and I've already performed a solo for the princesses, beat up a bunch of fish, and commandeered a monocle. The monocle is really nice by the way, judging by the size of the gems on it, it's got to be worth like at least several million credits. With all those credits I can buy all the helmets! Wait a second... Why would I even want all the helmets? I've only ever worn like two of them, and I've bought like ten different ones. In fact, why do I want money to start with, it's pretty much worthless. They pay us to kill halos, just so we can give them all the money back by buying shit from them? Wow, my life up to this point has been a complete waste of time. Unfortunately, now that I'm here I'm having trouble wasting time. Rarity won't be back for at least several hours so I can't go take her up on her offer to pimp me out just yet. What in the Bungie hell am I going to do for several hours? Maybe I can go on an adventure or something? Yeah, I'll just leave the castle grounds and find something to do for a few hours than come back. I jogged for a little while towards what I thought was the edge of the gardens. Thankfully, it didn't take too long since I have the sprint power up. I can run pretty quick with that, which helps when idiots are shooting at you. Once I got there, I was severely disappoint, though. Basically, the castle grounds just kinda' end abruptly with a drop that has to be at least a mile long. "What kind of sick joke is this? Who the hell builds a castle a mile off the ground?!" I looked down for a little bit, briefly contemplated jumping. I quickly decided that a fall from this height would probably kill me. I've pushed enough people off the spire to know what it looks like when you hit the ground after falling that far. It's really funny to push your teammates off while they are trying to snipe. "Alright, so I'm on a flying castle in a land of magic talking ponies. This is just getting fucked up." I looked back and noticed the mountain behind the far side of the castle. "Oh, it's just built into the mountain, not flying, that's still freaking dumb." I looked over the edge and examined the bottom of the castle as best as I could for a few seconds. From what I could tell, there was very little in the way of support to keep the castle up. A well placed explosive would probably bring down the entire mountain side in a rockslide, and with it the castle. What idiot would build something in such a dumb place? I then thought about my grenades. I wonder if I could collapse this entire castle, that would be fucking hilarious. Just think how mad they will be as I hump their entire castle as it lay in ruins. No, that would just be mean. This is a pretty nice castle and stuff. Then again, I believe it was spiderman who said 'the nicer something is, the more enjoyable it is to destroy'. No, I can entertain myself with something that doesn't involve murdering potentially thousands of ponies. I started walking again, this time in no apparent direction. If I wander for long enough, eventually I'll find something to do. Thankfully, it didn't take long to spot a large group of guard ponies. From the looks of it, they were assembled outside of their barracks and were training with wooden swords. The unicorns clearly had an unfair advantage in that they could just levitate the swords while the pegasus and 'earth' ponies had to hold them in their mouths. Maybe I could have some fun here. With that thought I left the gardens and walked towards them. It didn't take long for the group to notice me, being a big two-legged purple guy, approaching them, and they stopped what they were doing. They all just kinda' stared at me. Apparently, the guards had been briefed about my presence, which is probably why they weren't trying to kill me right now. Either that, or the ponies are just softer than I previously thought. "Umm, hello? You must be the one that Celestia mentioned. I'm captain D-" I decided to interrupt at this point as memories of my old drill sergeant from halo school came back to me. "I don't give half a shit about your name, OC ponies don't get names." I then looked around at the other guards. "What are you staring at? Did I say you could stop playing with your little sticks or did you decide that today is a good day to die!? I see you stop your training one more time and I'll cut your skin off and hang it up on a flagpole for everyone to see!" Admittedly, I'm not very good at the whole 'drill sergeant' thing. Then the captain pony stepped forward. "You can't talk to us like that!" "Oh I can't talk to you like that? Are you going to start crying or are you going to do something about it?" Yeah I was being a complete dick, but maybe this will get interesting. The ponies all glared at me and one earth pony guard that was particularly large stepped forward. He was easily a head taller than all the other ponies in the group and was much more muscular. He looked me up and down before saying anything. "You don't look so tuff." "Aww that's cute, is the little pony going to fight me?" I have absolute confidence in my abilities. He snarled at me and grabbed a wooden sword off the ground with his mouth before answering. "I'm gonna' kick your flank!" It's pretty impressive that he was able to say that with the stick in his mouth. Yeah, yeah, that's what she said. Now was my chance to look like a complete badass. I simply put my hand forward, palm up, and made a waving gesture towards myself with my fingers while saying, "come at me, bro". Then the pony came at me (bro). He rushed foward, closing the short gap between us, and swung the stick as hard as he could into my chest. It connected making a loud clanking noise. I just stood there completely still as the stick bounced off my chesticles, it hardly even damaged my armor's shields. The pony stood there shocked for a few seconds before he reared back for another strike. Now I wasn't going to let him turn me into a pinata (I wonder if under the suit I'm full of candy), one hit was enough, so I reached a hand out and caught the stick mid swing. Yeah I know, I was being a big show off, but whatever. You can hardly blame me, I was bored. I believe it was Shakespear that said, 'if you got it, flaunt it'. And I definitely had it. And by 'it' I mean super strength. As he tried to yank the stick out of my grip I reached over with my other arm and grabbed him under the stomach and easily lifted him over my head. Thank Bungie I'm a super soldier or this might be difficult. I then spun around a few times like a mexican wrestler before caber tossing him a few dozen feet away where he landed in a pile of wooden crates. The other guards seemed shocked that I had beaten their friend so easily, but quickly came to their senses and started glaring at me again. Then I saw that look in their eyes, the look that all the butt-hurt noobs have when you hump them. The look that says 'I'm going to keep running at you over and over again trying to kill you for the rest of the game because you made me mad'. I have a feeling that this is going to get ugly fast. Then, as though they had rehearsed it, they all ran at me at once wielding their sticks. "Aw shit, zerg rush!" (lol zerglings) I yelled as they came forward and started slapping at me with their sticks. Whatever, looks like I'm gonna be beating the hell out of ponies now. It briefly crossed my mind that perhaps I shouldn't murder them all. Yeah, perhaps that would be a bit much. I took a step back as a nearby pegasus swooped at me with a stick. I simply blocked the wood with my left arm and punched him right in the forehead with the other. I was careful not to punch too hard. He flew to the ground a few feet away and a unicorn quickly stepped into his place. He swung at my legs with the stick hoping to get me off balance, but I just stepped onto the stick and held it to the ground with my weight. The suits pretty heavy. As he strained his magic to move the stick I simply lifted my leg and kicked him in the side of the head while blocking another stick with my other hand. Then another earth pony with a stick came from my right. I simply jumped at him and delivered an uppercut into his jaw. It was enough to launch him a few feet into the air and he soon landed with a thud. At that point it just turned into me punchinating every pony that got close enough, it was really easy. No wonder they brought me to fight for them, these ponies are noobs. In less than thirty seconds, the entire group lay on the ground clutching wherever I had hit them at. They were gonna' have some serious bruises later, I probably even broke some bones. Oh well. I started dry humping for a few seconds to show them who's boss before stopping. It looks stupid if I'm not humping a dead body... I chuckled to myself. It looks like I pown-ied them. Hehe, my jokes are just awful... Then I heard a pony coming up from behind me and turned to see another white pony wearing fancy purple armor. "What the buck is going on here?!" He glared at me angrily, able to piece together that I had beaten the crap out of all the guards by looking at the scene. "You're under arrest!" Lol shit, this pony meant business. Then I thought of an excellent quote from Robocop, "You'll never take me alive coppers!" As I said this I turned to run but I felt myself getting lifted up off the ground. I looked back to see that I was surrounded by a purple glow. I looked back at the guard pony and noticed the smug look on his face. "You're pretty heavy." He then turned and started walking towards the castle while towing me behind with his magic. "Fucking op ass magic..." I muttered to myself.