//------------------------------//
// On My Guard 
// Story: The Curse of Cryonics 
// by Mine_Menace 
//------------------------------//

When put under pressure, people are different to how they typically are. That much is obvious.

I wasn't directly put under pressure, but an active imagination and certain memories can put me under pressure.

Like they had promised, Firefall Strider and Full Life had gone to bring me to Princess Celestia. I'd followed them through a very large, very white, and very ornate building for a while before they left me by a large door with two white-coated, golden-armored, spear-holding pegasus guards who were about half as tall as me.

Did I mention that pegasi existed too? I wouldn't be surprised if dragons did as well, at this point...

So there was nothing for me to do at the moment. I just paced back and forth, barefoot, and wearing the same simple gray clothes I'd been wearing when I first stepped into the cryochamber. The guards stood perfectly still, staring straight at me, ready to block me from going in the room if I tried.

It occurred to me that this Princess Celestia probably had total executive power and the final say on what happened to me--whether I would live or die, and if the latter, how I would die. This didn't do anything for my nerves. So I did what I usually do. I talked. And since there was no one else to talk to, I talked to the guards.

"So what do you have to do to be one of those guards?" I asked them suddenly, turning towards them mid-pace.

They stared at me but they did not answer. They probably weren't allowed to, but I wasn't going to let that stop me.

"Do you have to have a white coat or something?" I continued, leaning against the wall opposite them. "Or does that fancy magic I keep hearing about change your coat color? Either way, I think it's stupid. If you already have to have a white coat, that's either discriminatory against hors--er, ponies that don't have white coats, or annoying to those of you who have to dye your non-white coats white. I'm pretty sure that's hard to do."

The guards didn't even blink. They must have had incredible discipline.

"And if it's the latter," I rambled on, "that would make infiltration incredibly easy. I mean, does a pony just have to put on a suit of armor and he looks like one of you? How do you--" I pointed to the guard on the left-- "know that your partner is still your pal Joe who you meet at the tavern? It could be some random Bob, Richard, or Marley! This setup is extremely flawed!"

As before, neither guard moved. But I was undeterred, and I kept going.

"Okay, now let's move on to the armor itself," I said, idly scratching my back. "Is that real gold? Because that's stupid on so many levels. Not only is gold shiny, it's also heavy, soft, and an excellent conductor of electricity. So if you go into battle, not only will your enemy be able to see you easily, they'll be able to win easily because you'll be slow, their weapons will pierce your armor, and if they have any electric attack, you're toast. Although I'm not sure at what level warfare is these days, but even if we go back to the dark ages, you're done for. I just hope no one has any nukes."

The guards still didn't move. Holy shit, these guys are good...

"Even if that's not real gold, it's still shiny," I told them. "I sure hope you don't have any enemies. Or if you do, I hope you've got some kind of god with you. Because those wings? I bet they break so easily! You break a wing, you've lost an advantage--although, how can you even get off the ground with that size--oh yeah, magic..."

Goddamn magic, I thought to myself. Predictably, the guards kept remaining still. I stopped leaning against the wall and frowned at them.

"You know, you've got really good discipline," I said. "Hell, I'd say it's even better than those British sold--"

Without warning, the heavy door was encased in an orange aura and it swung open easily. Out stepped Firefall Strider and Full Life. The latter nodded as she passed me and left, and the former said quietly, "Well, you're up," before following his companion.

I blinked, stood there for a moment, and almost didn't react when a powerful female voice called out, "Patrick Stanford Walker, you may enter!"

Twisting my fingers nervously, I stepped into the room. When I was completely inside, the guards shut the doors behind me. I squinted across the room, taking in the sight.

The room had a high ceiling, like the hallway outside, but it wasn't very large in square footage--maybe about twice the size of the room I had woken up in. There were tall windows on each side, letting in a great deal of sunlight, and in the center of the room was a white, fancy table. A deep red throw pillow on the side closer to me sat vacant, while a pony sat on the one on the other side.

A pony that was unlike any other I had seen so far, and I knew this one had to be Princess Celestia. If the regalia, the multicolored, possibly gaseous mane and tail, and the fact that she was taller than any other pony--probably around as tall as me--wasn't an indication, then it was the aura I could somehow feel. I could tell that this pony was a commanding presence, a powerful one, a slightly unnerving one, yet at the same time, motherly and caring.

It put me on a slight edge, but I moved forward stiffly until I was directly in front of the pillow, table, and princess. I had no idea what to do at that point, so I looked awkwardly into the princess's large magenta eyes.

"You are Patrick Stanford Walker, the human, Homeo sapiens sapiens, correct?" asked the princess, breaking the silence quickly.

I nodded. "I am, but just call me Patrick or something similar. And you're Princess Celestia?" I asked in return. "Ruler of Equestria?"

She nodded once. "I am. Please, sit down."

"Uh..." I muttered, looking at the table and the pillow as a thought occurred to me. "Uh, don't I need to bow or something?"

"There is no need for that; you are not one of my subjects," Celestia told me before cracking a small smile. "Besides, this does not need to be overly formal. Please sit down."

Not wanting to accidentally piss off this pony, I sat down, cross-legged on the large and comfortable pillow.

"What would you like to drink, Patrick?" asked Celestia kindly.

"Like to drink?" I repeated, confused.

"Yes; it might ease your tension to have a drink together as we talk," Celestia said. "What would you like? Tea? Coffee? Milk? All I ask is that we not have anything alcoholic so we can stay mentally fit."

"Uh, just coffee will do," I said.

"Cream and sugar?"

"No thanks, just black."

"Certainly." Celestia's horn glowed bright gold and a coffeepot and a pair of mugs appeared in a golden flash of light. As her horn kept glowing, the coffeepot rose into the air in a gold aura and filled each mug with coffee.

"Thanks," I muttered, taking my coffee and sipping at it carefully. To my slight surprise, it tasted almost exactly the same as I'd known it to taste before getting into the cryochamber. It wasn't Starbucks or anything, but it tasted okay.

"So," Celestia said calmly, sipping her coffee, "Firefall Strider and Full Life told me you're immune to magic."

"Yeah, three...thaums, was it?" I muttered. "What's the big deal about that?"

Celestia set her mug down and looked me directly in the eye. "Patrick, this is a very big deal. There is not a single thing that ponies know of that has less magic than you. Rocks have more magic than you. And there is hardly anything that doesn't respond to magic."

"Is magic ambient?" I asked suddenly. "All around us?"

"Yes..."

"So because I'm exposed to this ambient magic, wouldn't some magic seep into me?" I asked. "Magic didn't use to exist as far as I know. I'm surprised I have any magic. Didn't just a little magic seep into me between the time you ponies found me and when Full Life measured my magic levels?"

Celestia blinked. "That...is a possibility," she admitted, taking another drink. "We've never encountered anything quite like you."

"So I've heard," I said dryly, smirking. "They had no idea what I was. To be fair, I barely knew what you ponies were."

"Do you have any idea why humans and ponies never met before?"

"Sure! I bet it's because humans died out and ponies evolved to get this magic and intelligence!" I guessed, drumming my fingers on the table. "Assuming enough time has passed...it was only supposed to be a thousand, but it should be at least a few million..."

Celestia's expression was that of blank confusion. "Died...out? Millions...of years? I'm afraid I don't understand. Humans died out, yet you're still alive? And what's this about...millions of years passing?"

"Oh..." I sipped my coffee. "Probably if another species evolved to be intelligent, humans had to be gone. So humans must be dead...oh. Yeah. Great."

The princess's look of confusion persisted, and she said nothing, silently prompting me to continue.

"I'm guessing humans died out and you...ponies became the dominant species after. That means I'm the last one!" I said, spreading my arms, honestly not too surprised at my lack of feelings towards it. "Whoop-de-doo for me. I admit I half-expected this."

"...I still don't understand, Patrick. Does it have anything to do with that box you were found in?"

"Oh! The cryochamber. Yes, it does." I rubbed my head, feeling a slight headache starting to come on. "It's a bit of a long story, Princess."

"We have plenty of time," Celestia said, sipping her coffee.

"Okay..." I stared at the ceiling for a moment before continuing. "Right, so this started a while ago when I was eighteen. So some people in my military approached me and offered to compensate me for an experiment or something. They weren't specific until I agreed to do it, and I probably wouldn't have done it if I wasn't so pressed on cash."

I paused and sipped my coffee. "So then when I agreed, they made me come to this lab before telling me what this whole experiment was about. It was about cryonics. And I was the test subject. I was starting to have second thoughts about it even before I agreed, but there was no backing out now."

"Why wouldn't they tell you until you agreed?"

"'Cause it was top secret. Can't have the public know that their country's military is doing this kind of experimentation, can they? 'Specially since this is the same government that spies on its citizens." I chuckled humorlessly. "So then they spent the next couple years conditioning me and doing some short practice runs while not letting me leave their complex. Then they sealed me away for what was supposed to be a thousand years, and here we are."

"'Supposed to be'? Do you not know?"

"You expect me to be sure about how much time has passed when I can't even get to the goddamn cryochamber?" I asked seriously, leaning forward. "It's hard to tell, what with you lot all being ponies of all things; plus, I don't even know what outside looks like. I might as well have landed in some alternate dimension. But if you want to know, take me to the cryochamber and I'll tell you. It has a clock attached."

I sighed, leaned back, and rested the back of my head on my hands, looking up at the ceiling again. "Anything else you'd like to know, Princess?"

"Yes, there is," the princess replied coolly. "Please tell me about humans."

I lifted my head up and cocked an eyebrow. "Tell you about humans? I'm pretty sure that would be near useless considering I'm probably the last one alive."

Celestia coughed slightly. "Yes, that may be true, but some may still exist. And even if not, it would help to get an idea of how you are, how your culture may have influenced you, and perhaps explain other things, such as how they've gone or why you have no magic."

My head throbbed again, showing telltale signs of a headache, but I answered anyway. "Okay. But I'm pretty sure magic wasn't around in my time and that it must have sprung up while I was in cryostasis somehow, and I haven't any idea as to how humans are gone; there were over seven billion of us and counting when I went into cryostasis."

Celestia stared for a moment. "Seven...billion?"

"Mmhm. Hey, have you got any ibuprofen?"

Met with Celestia's blank stare, I shrugged. "Never mind. So, about humans..."





Migraines suck. They suck hard. Of course the simple headache I'd had was bound to develop into this after trying to discuss humanity with a pony princess. And I thought I'd never hate poker faces as much as I did now--Celestia's had been perfect throughout the seemingly hours-long conversation and I had no idea what she was thinking.

She probably had a good idea of what I was thinking, though.

At the end of the discussion, I had resorted to leaning heavily on the table, massaging my forehead, trying in vain to alleviate the pain of my headache--and without any goddamn ibuprofen.

"Well, okay." I smiled weakly. "You now know about my species. Are you going to kill me to protect your citizens or something? Because I'm ready whenever."

"Kill you? Patrick, are you okay?" Celestia asked, leaning in.

"Sure, let's go with that. Don't worry, I get it."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her frown. "Patrick, even if you had described humans to be the absolute worst thing in the history of anything ever, I would not have murdered you. But we will get back to that in a moment: you're holding your head as if it were burning. Do you have a headache?"

I sighed and set my head on the table. "Look, it's not important. Besides, the water here helps a bit." I gestured at the glass of ice water, which had replaced the coffee some time into my explanation.

"Yes, it is. Is there anything I could do?"

"Not unless you have ibuprofen or aspirin or something similar," I told her, looking up. "If you've got magic to get rid of it, it won't work. I have no magic, remember?"

Celestia reddened slightly. "Oh, right; I apologize. Are you sure there isn't anything that can be done?"

"Sure. I'll be fine." I cracked my knuckles. "So that other thing...why wouldn't you have killed me?"

"It's simple. You described many facets of your species, including the bad parts," the princess answered readily. "You were willing to admit to the shortcomings of your species and you did not even hesitate. The fact that you can see the flaws in your species tells me that you aren't a wholly bad being, if you have any evil in you to begin with."

I opened my mouth to retort, closed it as I tried to think of a good one, and then opened up again. "But you don't know anything about me personally. All you've got is what I've done with those two unicorns in that room I was put me in, what I've told you, and this conversation. I mean, you don't know anything about the first eighteen years of my life!"

"That is true," Celestia admitted, nodding. "Do you think explaining the first eighteen years of your life would help?"

I paused for a second, glancing down towards my feet, which were crossed underneath me. I wasn't exactly willing to discuss certain aspects of it, so I provided a heavily shortened version. "Basically...I didn't care about school 'til I was ten or so, then I discovered that I should care and I also found the Internet. Then I slowly got in the cross-country team, got a different perspective on life, and almost went to college."

A hint of a frown crossed Celestia's face. "I noticed you spared on the details, Patrick; could you elaborate?"

"Uh..." I clenched my fingers around my legs. "Well...some aspects of those years...are kind of uncomfortable to talk about..." My migraine flared up and I winced, hand flashing to my forehead. "Ow...let's just say I was an ignorant dick until age ten."

"I understand..." she said, "but...that headache. Are you sure that nothing will help?"

"Oh...whoops," I chuckled weakly as something came to mind. "I forgot...sleep always gets rid of them eventually."

"Then you should sleep," Celestia said with an air of finality. "I'll have a guard bring you back to your room. We can discuss more tomorrow."

I sighed and straightened up, guessing that she wouldn't change her mind, and also wanting this anyway. "Okay...hang on a second," I said, having a moment of clarity. "I told you about the cryochamber and all that. Since it's got a ton of information about humans and stuff stored in the computer, we should visit it tomorrow. Does that sound okay?"

The princess nodded, standing up. "Deal. Tomorrow, when we meet, I will bring you to where we found you, and you will show me the information. Right, Patrick?"

"Great," I said, unsteadily standing up and backing away from the table a couple of paces. "Wait, hang on a second! I still don't have my bags."

"Your bags?"

"Right; there was...a black suitcase, a green backpack..." I started.

"It will be attended to. Guard!" Celestia called. The door opened and one of the guards entered the room, facing her.

"Take Patrick back to his room," she ordered. "Then bring him his bags. After that, you and your partner are dismissed for the day."

The guard bowed briefly. "Yes, Princess."

Despite my migraine, some part of me couldn't resist saying something. "Holy shit, it talks!" I said, mocking surprise, before wincing in pain again from the throb of the headache.

Celestia cracked a smile. "Until tomorrow, Patrick."

"See you," I said to her, smiling weakly, before turning to the guard. He looked at me coldly, no doubt unamused by my pathetic excuse for a joke, then beckoned and led me away. He shoved open the door, held it so I could catch it and it wouldn't slam me in the face, and led me back down the hallway.

"So..." I said after a moment, as the headache briefly calmed, "have you given any thought to what I said about the armor and all that?"

The guard predictably said nothing. I sighed and rubbed my temple, losing interest quickly. Man...I wish I'd known back then what I'd be doing right now...

I frowned and shook my head. Not like I'd have believed myself anyway...