"Yeah, so I'm supposed to be doing this spin-off thing where I play a total monster," Conrad said, lounging on a comfy chair in the green room. "You know how this show is supposed to be a parody of Human in Equestria darkfics?"
Rainbow Dash nodded. Rarity was brushing Fluttershy's hair, Twilight was reading a book in another chair, and Applejack and Pinkie Pie were discussing something near the refreshment table.
"Well, the spin-off story is supposed to play it straight," Conrad continued. "Like, I'm this horrible monster with mind-controlling powers."
"What," Rainbow Dash asked sarcastically, "like all the other stories that do the exact same thing?"
Conrad shrugged and took a sip of his soda. "I didn't say it was great, but it pays the bills. Or it would," he added with annoyance, "if the author would ever write more than one damn chapter of the thing."
Applejack froze. "Oh no, you guys!" she yelled. "The camera's on!"
The room exploded into a frenzy of activity.
"Shit, shit, shit!" Conrad yelled, rushing around to gather up all his props.
"We were supposed to get at least a day of warning!" Rainbow Dash complained.
"Where are my wings?" Twilight yelled. "Have you seen my wings?!"
"Somebody get the makeup artist in here!" Rarity yelled. "I can't be seen like this!"
"Has anyone seen Gary?" Conrad yelled. "He's supposed to be in the next scene with me!"
"I think he's in the bathroom!" Twilight yelled.
"Ugh!" Conrad yelled in frustration. "Of all the times to take a leak!"
"Where's the makeup artist?" Rarity yelled.
"I think she's in the same bathroom!" Twilight yelled.
"Oh, that bitch!" Rainbow Dash yelled.
Pinkie Pie looked straight at you with a cheerful smile, seemingly unaffected by the chaos unfolding around her. "We're sorry," she said, "but we're experiencing a bit of technical difficulty. Please stand by."
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Gary and Conrad pushed forward through a powerful snowstorm, the knee-high snow resisting their every step forward. Even with the finest cold-weather gear they could get, the cold winds tore at their bodies and chilled them to the bones.
"Wait, how the hell did we get here?" Conrad yelled to Gary as he pushed forward, step by arduous step.
"I don't know!" Gary replied. "Didn't you read the script?"
"No!" Conrad yelled. "My character would be too ditzy to read it!"
"What?!" Gary yelled. "That makes no sense! Your character is a ditz, but that doesn't mean you have to be!"
"It's called method acting, buttface!" Conrad responded maturely. "And I'm not the only person in this scene. Why don't you know what's going on?"
"I was... busy," Gary mumbled.
"Busy doing what? You were supposed to be rehearsing your lines with that makeup artist!"
"Well, you know how it is," Gary yelled. "She showed me her makeup artistry, I showed her my pickup artistry, and we made sweet, sweet music for the rest of the night."
Conrad made a disgusted face.
"Look, can we just force a scene change?" Gary yelled.
"Will that even work?" Conrad asked.
"It's work a shot! We just have to hope the author doesn't have any more scenes planned that involves us freezing our asses off out here in the cold!"
------------------------------------
Later, in a surprisingly spacious well-heated cavern:
"I can't believe that worked," Conrad said fervently.
"Eh, the writer's a hack," Gary replied glibly. "Now, where are we?"
"Oh, thank heavens you're returned!" a female earth pony said. "Everybody, our summoned saviors have returned!"
Almost immediately a swarm of adorable mares emerged from doorways and clustered up around the two humans.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Gary yelled. "Hold up! Back off! Everybody just back off!"
The ponies stopped a few feet from Gary and Conrad, leaving a circular empty space with the two humans in the center of it. Beyond that was a sea of ponies. If Gary had to guess the number he'd ballpark it at a hundred and eight. Or possibly one thousand. The point was, there was a lot of them.
"Okay," Gary said, "before you all mob us, I just have one, very important question for all of you: does any pony have a copy of the script?"
A pony handed Gary a copy of the script from offscreen.
"Thank you. Now, let's see where we are." Then Gary did a double-take at the title. "'Machinations in the Dark 2: Machinate Harder'?! What the fuck?!"
Gary stared at the script, then sighed and tossed it over his shoulder, where it smacked Conrad in the forehead.
"Fuck it," Gary said deadpan, "we'll do this improv."
One of the mares could stand it no longer and yelled, "Have you brought us the supplies?"
This was followed by a chorus of mares demanding supplies. The mares slowly started advancing on the brothers.
Gary edged backwards and bumped into Conrad. "Conrad," Gary said nervously, "I hope you have something, because I have no idea how to handle this."
Conrad looked over his shoulder at the bag he had been carrying the entire time.
"Huh," he said. "So that's what's in this bag. I had kind of wondered."
Gary facepalmed. "Give me that!" he yelled and grabbed the bag from Conrad.
"Ponies of Equestria!" he yelled, holding the bag up high. "We have your supplies!"
A terrible, avaricious gleam occurred simultaneously in the eyes of each and every mare there. Gary, being the center of attention of hundreds of mares, suddenly realized that this was not the smartest thing he'd ever done. He turned to Conrad for support, but Conrad had managed to escape from the mob while their attention was on Gary.
"You're doing great!" Conrad yelled as he rapidly retreated. "Keep up the good work!"
"Oh, that son of a-"
"GET HIM!"