//------------------------------// // Monster Cart // Story: Ernest Saves Equestria // by Emerald Harp //------------------------------// Ernest tightened the last bolt and smiled. While toying with the wrench, the redneck said happily, “Yes, sir. When vice-principal Luna hired me as a temporary janitor for Canterlot High School, little did she know that she had employed Ernest P. Worrell, Master of Mechanical Marvels, Doge of Drills, and Nemesis of Nails. For I have done this institution a great service of creating the great, the powerful, the ---" “Hi, Ernest.” The surprised custodian dropped the wrench. He turned to see Sunset Shimmer looking at him with an amused smile. “Who are you talking to?” she asked. “When one treasures one’s own company, one is never without stimulating conversation. How was school?” The teenager shrugged. “Oh, you know, the usual. Hated, misunderstood, belittled in front of my peers.” Ernest frowned, “Pears? Who cares what pears think? Now granted, it’s a tasty snack that’s good for ya, but I wouldn’t worry about what it thought. They’re just funny-looking apples. What do they know?” Sunset couldn’t help but shake her head and giggle. For some reason, seeing this goofy alien from another world was the highlight of her day. She turned her attention to the machine Ernest was working on. “What are you doing with the golf cart?” The redneck beamed proudly. “I’d thought you’d never ask. You know, Sunny, golf carts are wasted on golf. They can be used for so much more than hauling around men in funny skirts. With a single cart, some elbow grease, and good ole American ingenuity, one can reinvent the janitorial profession and increase one’s personal productivity by another twelve Worrells. So I just commandeer one and make some modest modifications.” “Modest?” asked the teenager in disbelief. “It looks like a mini-monster truck. You welded hydraulic arms to the sides, replaced the dashboard with a keyboard and monitor, bolted a bulldozer blade to the front, and replaced the electric motor with . . . what is that? Does it work?” She looked at the janitor curiously. “I was about to take the machine a.k.a Willie out for a test run. My friend Vern taught me all about quantum mechanics, hydraulics, and artificial intelligence. You want to come?” Sunset took a step back from the questionable vehicle. “Maybe some other time. I actually want to talk to you about something.” Ernest’s voice took on a nervous tone as he replied, “Before you say anything, I want you to know I had nothing to do with the toilets backing up in the teacher wreck room. Some kid must have snuck in there and flushed that gallon of Flex Seal. But, it was probably just to help stop those darn things from leaking all the time. Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh, kids these days.” Sunset didn’t reply. Instead it seemed like she was in her own world. She leaned against one of the work tables in the custodian work area and marshaled her thoughts. “Ernest, could I ask you something?” The redneck frowned, “Sure Sunny, is something wrong?" “Yes, no, I . . . you know that the Halloween school festival is tonight, right?” “Oh, yeah, luckily I got the night off so I can disco, hip-hop, and chow-down with the cool kids.” “Well, at the end of the festival is the play The Eternal Student, and I have the main roll of the ghost that forever haunts the school.” Ernest’s eyes lit up. “That’s great. I fancy myself as a bit of an actor myself. I can give you some pointers if you like. I got a great range of voices too, like my Canterlot voice. Here’s a sample. With a Scottish accent the redneck said, “Keep your heads down, lads. Enemy arrows have the right of way on a red light but tracers work both ways. Don’t worry about the hostages. Any one of us can whip a hostage. And no matter what, always remember anything you do can get you killed, including doing nothing.” Returning to his normal voice the janitor asked, “What do you think?” “Uh, you sounded great,” Sunset said gently. “But my question is, do you think I should trade roles with someone else, or not even show up?” The redneck was shocked. “Why would you do that? You’re head ghost. You never saw Casper quit when he got real nervous.” The teenager sighed. “It’s not that I’m nervous about the part. The only reason I got the lead role was because I bullied and threatened anyone who showed interest in playing the ghost. I was a real different person at the beginning of the year, Ernest. I feel like I don’t deserve to be up there with my fellow students that I’ve harassed.” Ernest thought about this for a moment. “Have you talked to your other buddies about this?” Sunset looked down at her feet. “No. As much as I like Pinkie, Fluttershy, and the rest of the girls, you’re the one I can talk to without feeling judged.” The troll fighter grinned. “Ah shucks, Sunny, you’re pretty good yourself. I can’t just tell anyone I’m an alien from a different dimension. And I appreciate you not giving me over to whatever passes as Area 51 around here.” Before the teenager could ask what Area 51 was, Ernest continued, “But if I were you, I’d definitely talk to the gang about this.” “Why?” asked Sunset. Ernest put his hands in his pockets in a shy manner. “Let’s just say I’ve overheard Rarity, A.J., and R.D. discussing an array of topics, some of which made me a little uncomfortable.” Sunset raised her eyebrows. “It’s not what you think,” Ernest said quickly. “I was in the air duct scraping out cake batter and glitter when I got stuck, and they walked right underneath me. They were talking about inviting you to a slumber party after the festival.” The former delinquent blinked in surprise. Sure the girls were hanging out with her more since the time she tried to mind control the school, but she did not suspect she was making a great impression. She felt awkward around her fellow students and never knew what to say. She just felt guilty all the time and did her best to make things right. “Really? They were talking about me?” The custodian frowned and concentrated. “Yeah, I think so. I couldn’t hear much after chief janitor Cranky turned on the AC. You never notice just how big, scary, and loud those fans are until your nose hair is being trimmed by them. Ya know what I mean?” Sunset considered this new information without speaking. Ernest wanted to say more, but one look at the wall clock made him think better of it. “Well, Sunny, gotta go. The shrubs aren’t gonna trim themselves . . . at least I hope they don’t. That’s my job.” After grabbing a pair of pruning shears, Ernest said over his shoulder. “I think I saw the gang by the front statue. If you’re heading that way, tell Fluttershy to tell Rimshot I said ‘Hi.’” Minutes Later Ernest watched the girls from afar and nodded in approval. Sunset was talking to Fluttershy, Apple Jack, and the rest of her friends, and it looked like things were going well. They were all pouring over papers and making notes between the lines. Pinkie for her part was in the middle of writing when her hair started twitching erratically. She looked over at something and touched Sunset’s shoulder and tilted her head in the direction she was looking at. Following the hyper teenager’s gaze, Ernest saw vice-principal Luna approaching the group of girls. Ernest winced. “Oh, I hope you’re not in trouble, Sunny. I don’t think we got the budget if you blasted another crater in the school.” “Ahem.” The troll fighter cringed. He knew at once who was standing behind him. Putting on a big, happy grin, Ernest turned around. “Hi, Mr. Cranky, Cranky Doodle, Sir. What can I do ya for?” The balding man in overalls was half the red neck’s height but twice as broad. Cranky Doodle was the meanest custodian in the county, and he looked the part. Sporting large cauliflower ears, a barrel chest, and huge gorilla-arms, the man was said to be as strong as an ass and just as cantankerous. “What in God’s name is a bucked-up golf cart doing in my garage, Worrell?” “Uh, I rescued it. Yeah, I rescued it from the clutches of Dr. Otto von Schnick -ick-ick-ick. Otto was going to use that poor cart for experimentation.” Ernest seamlessly switched personalities to that of a mad scientist. “Oh yes. This is perfect. I, Dr. Otto von Schnick –ick-ick-ick will harness the power of evil magnets to transmorgify this mild-mannered golf cart into a weapon of mass moral dubiousness. It will grab, push, and do things so unspeakable people will talk about them for generations. Mwha, ha, ha, ha.” Cranky didn’t even raise an eyebrow at Ernest’s gyrations. “Son, if you had told me you boosted that thing from the Crystal Prep snobs down the road as a Halloween prank, I would have promoted and recommend you for a raise.” Ernest snapped his fingers in frustration. “Is it too late to change my answer?” The head janitor started to crack his knuckles. “But since thisschool has a golf cart missing and there just so happens to be one in my garage right next to a canabalized bus, you leave me no choice.” Ernest gulped. “You’re pulling a triple shift tonight. You ain’t leaving until the last dog dies, comes back as a zombie, and dies again. Tonight you’re cleaning all the toilets, the sinks, the cafeteria, the floors, the classrooms, and picking up every piece of Halloween party crap that lands anywhere on this campus. And if I catch you tinkering or bucking around with any other vehicle that belongs to this school without asking me first, you’re fired. Capiche?” The troll fighter nodded emphatically. “Yes, sir. I just about capiched myself. These hands will never manipulate the mandibles of another mechanical masterpiece without your permission.” “Good. Tomorrow you’re going to put that golf cart back where you got it, just like it was. Don’t push me on this, Worrell. Just because the higher-ups like you doesn’t mean I can’t can your hide for not following the rules.” With a final glare, Cranky left the chastised Ernest to his trimming. Moments after the head custodian had departed, a familiar voice said gently, “Ernest?” Ernest looked up to see the vice-principal standing on the other side of the hedge. The janitor sighed, preparing for another verbal beating. “Hi, vice-principal Luna. How was your day?” “It could have gone better, but it wasn’t bad. I take it Mr. Doodle has informed you of our displeasure over the unwarranted seizure and modification of one golf cart?” The troll fighter nodded. “Yeah, I’m sorry ma’am. It won’t happen again, scout’s honor.” Luna pushed a lock of her long dark hair behind her ear. “I also wanted to tell you that even though you are the most . . . unorthodox custodian my sister and I have ever hired, you are indeed an excellent counselor, as you had mentioned on your resume’.” Ernest continued as if the vice-principal hadn’t spoken. “I mean that golf cart just looked so lonely and sad sitting there out in the middle of the soccer field. It was a mess, so I just thought I’d polish it up a bit, fill the tires, top off the gas tank, but I guess I got a little carried away. I . . . what now?” “You are excellent with the students, most notably with Sunset Shimmer. Her demeanor has improved dramatically since your arrival. Right after the Fall Formal incident she was quiet and detached from the rest of the student body. She is not like that anymore. She is becoming more outgoing and engaging with her new friends. I attribute this change in attitude largely to you.” The janitor smiled. “Yeah, Sunny’s a good kid. They all are.” Luna nodded. “I couldn’t agree more.” The assistant principal looked at her watch and said, “Well, I best be off. But before I go, I’d like to apologize for being short with you and Sunset on your first day. That was unprofessional. I said I was sorry to Sunset a minute ago, now I’m saying it to you.” Ernest waved off the apology. “That’s okay, ma’am. Being a vice-principal is like being a camp counselor. Both professions take nerves of steel, a heart of gold, a tongue of silver, and . . .” Ernest murmured the list again while counting on his fingers. Coming up short he continued, “And a fourth thing that’s apparently not as important as the other three.” “You’re right. Having all of those things helps.” Luna thought for a moment before adding, “If you wish, perhaps we could talk about transferring you over to an assistant position under Counselor Matilda. That post hasn’t been filled for years. Maybe we can do lunch together at that coffee shop across the street?” All of sudden Ernest’s hands became really sweaty, and his heart rate quickened. A little too quickly he replied, “Yeah, sure. I can’t wait. Uh, should I dress up? I think I can find something dressy to wear at the Salvation Army.” The vice-principal laughed. “No need. This will be pretty informal, but I like your attitude.” Seconds later, the honking of a car horn filled the air. Luna’s cheeks darkened. “That would be my sister. Well, Ernest, I’ll see you tonight.” And with that, the vice-principal took off at a brisk pace towards the parking lot. A dumb-struck Ernest dazedly waved back. “Yeah, I’ll see you later. We’ll do lunch.” Going back to his trimming Ernest thought about what just happened. Eventually he came to a conclusion. With a smug smile he said to himself, “Poor vice-principal Luna. The ole Worrell charm has struck again. Because of my pleasing aesthetical features I shall be taking the express escalator to the next floor of the Canterlot High School hierarchy. For I, Ernest P. Worrell, shall hold the dual ranks of assistant counselor and janitor.” Ernest shook his head in disbelief. “How did this place ever get along without me?” A few hours later Ernest was putting the finishing touches on the last shrub. He was singing one of his favorite love songs. “Our love festers like an open wound. Don’t call the doctor, I’ll be better soon.” At that moment an elated Sunset Shimmer came around the bend. “Hey, Ernest, did vice-principal Lunaaaa--- oh my sweet Celestia.” Sunset just gaped at the shrub Ernest was trimming. It had been carved into the form of two people gazing into each other’s eyes while enjoying the same milkshake with two straws. The teenager could not believe the amount of detail the red neck had put into this masterpiece. And to her continued disbelief, he was still snipping away and adding touch-ups here and there.” Ernest sighed wistfully, and continued singing. “Then you’ll infect me, knowing I’ll infect you, knowing that nothing can make us immune.” Tearing her eyes off the bush-art, Sunset shook the janitor’s arm. “Ernest! Snap out of it!” The troll fighter blinked at Sunset. He was about to say something when he looked down at what he was doing. “Woah!” exclaimed the custodian. Ernest looked at the shrub, the sheers, and then at his friend. “Cupid had his A game on today cause I didn’t see him or his arrow.” Sunset laughed. “I was going to ask if vice-principal Luna had talked to you . . . but I think you’ve already answered my question.” Ernest stared at the shrub in disbelief. One of the figures was a very muscular version of himself, and the other was of Luna in a very flattering dress. “Uh-huh,” Ernest replied slowly. “We had a nice talk.” The custodian let Sunset know what he and Luna had discussed. The teenager beamed proudly. “Ernest, that’s great. She’s right. You are a good counselor. You gave me the best advice you could have given. I talked to the girls, and they agreed that I should stay in the play. But they also had their own suggestions.” “What’d they say?” “You’ll have to come to the play and find out. You are still coming, right?” Ernest bit his lip. “Yeah, but now I gotta work. Mr. Doodle found the golf cart and wasn’t happy. He hasn’t yet come to appreciate creative thinking in the janitorial profession. Ya know what I mean? Plus I kind of should of asked first before performing major surgery on school property.” Sunset frowned. “Can’t you trade with someone else?” “Sorry, Sunny, I don’t think I can get out of this one. Not unless I can be at two places at once.” Ernest considered something for a moment before asking, “Hey, I don’t suppose you could . . .” The teenager shook her head. “I’m not going to clone you, Ernest. That creates all kinds of problems.” Then an idea occurred to the former delinquent. “Hey, what about your monster cart? You said you know some things about robots. Can’t you program it to help you out?” Ernest gave the girl a blank start. “Now why didn’t I think of that? I’m sorry, Sunny. It was wrong of me to ask you to break the laws of nature when I am more than capable of breaking them myself. Come on, we got a robot to test.” Ernest paused in mid-jog and looked at the bush one more time. “I’ll dispose of that later.” And with that, Ernest took off for the garage. Before following her friend, Sunset took out her cell phone and snapped some photos of Ernest’s work of art.