//------------------------------// // Punching fish // Story: Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic // by Good Christian Ethesto //------------------------------// Authors note: New chapter? Well, If you insist... -------------- I got off the stage after finishing my terrible singing. Apparently the ponies like it, but my self steam is much too low to acknowledge that I might actually be good. Oh, and the fact that I'm not stupid. I assume the ponies were just trying to be nice, they seem to be doing that a lot. So I walked back to the table where the ponies were wiping (obviously fake) tears from their eyes. "Why didn't you tell us you were so good at singing earlier?" Asked Rarity. I just rolled my halo eyes under my halo visor. They couldn't see this though, so I shrugged, I wasn't going to let these ponies make me actually believe I'm good at something that doesn't have to do with killing and humping. "Meh." Then Celestia cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. "Well, it was a pleasure meeting you all for breakfast, but I have my duties to attend to." Twilight bowed her head slightly and smiled. "It's always great being able to talk to you princess." She turned and left with Luna following closely behind. Then Twilight turned to me. "We were planning on going shopping around Canterlot, want to come?" That didn't sound particularly fun, I don't think I've ever enjoyed shopping. Besides, I don't have money. Not to mention I'm like an alien here, all the ponies will probably flip shit when they see me. "Naw, I think I need some time to think." Twilight seemed to understand. "Well if you want a peaceful place to think, there is the castle gardens. It's just out that door and down the hall." She pointed to a side door to the dining room before continuing. "See you later." "Yeah, perhaps I'll go there. Bye." She turned and started walking and rarity came up to me. "Why, darling. You simply MUST let me design something for you. Perhaps a suit or something." "Sorry, I'm quite attached to this suit." I said with a wink, it was supposed to be a joke because I don't think I've ever taken the armor off, but they didn't catch that. Nor did they see my wink. "Well, I understand. It is quite nice. Perhaps I can do something to make it nicer then." I liked the sound of that. Maybe I can get some swag like a pimp hat or something to make all the other halos jealous once I go back. "Sure, that sounds good." She smiled and hurried to catch up to Twilight and the others who had started to walk towards the door. I turned and walked towards the other door that Twilight had pointed out. The main reason why I was going to the gardens is because I have no idea where my room is. This castle is too confusing for me.Perhaps I can even find something to hump out there. I stopped walking after thinking this. Dang, I think there's something wrong with me. Why am I so obsessed with humping things? Whatever, that can wait till I get outside, I have a lot of things to think about. I pushed through the door and walked down a hall until I saw a door that led outside. Sure enough, the area outside looked like some massive garden. It was decorated by all kinds of plants and statues. I walked outside and noticed how peaceful it was. Perhaps this is a good place to think. I walked for a while until I got to a bench sitting next to a big fountain with some fish statues on it. I sat on the bench and started to ponder some things. First off, what should I do now? I told the ponies that I would help them, but I really don't know what they want my help with. They could want me to fight like a giant demon monster for all I know. Or even worse, a banshee. Those things are fucking op... Who had the bright idea to give them the ability to spin all over the place really fast and fire out infinite heat seeking explosives? Well, I guess that's why the aliens won the war, because they have op ass weapons. Meh, whatever it is, I'm sure it won't be THAT bad. But do I really want to help them? I mean, I usually just betray the shit out of people if I get the chance. Like in infection. This brought back some good memories about playing infection with my friends. In infection, you are allied with all the other non-zombie halos but you aren't technically on their team. This means that you can murder them and it counts as a betrayal, but they can't boot you from the game for doing it. It's even easier than it would normally be because you start out with a shotgun. I usually just go into whatever area all my allies have gathered at and shotgun each of them in the back of the head and them hump them. It's great fun and they always throw a tantrum on their mics. Little do they know, their tears taste delicious. Then they respawn and they either get murdered by zombies or they run back and we betray them again. Those were some good times, then Bungie had to go and fix it so you can't team kill people on there. Wait a second, who's Bungie? I thought about it for a while until I remembered something about how it was the one who made halos in the first place. So Bungie is halo God I guess. Ok, I got that question out of the way, now back to whether or not I should betray the ponies. At that point I got a mental image of me punching Rainbow Dash in the face with enough force to kill a guy in a full suit of armor. I cringed at the idea of killing something so cute. Ok, well I guess I'm not going to do that. Now what? Ok, so why can't I remember doing anything other than fighting a war against aliens and then fighting halos? I didn't even know how to sleep until last night! What's wrong with me? Hmmm, maybe I'm a robot. No, that's just ridiculous! Robots are just a fairy tail. Maybe, just maybe. When I died to the aliens, I lost most of my memory. Then I went to some hell where I was forced to fight for all eternity? All right, that's the best hypothesis I can come up with, so I'll just stick with that. Stupid Bungie, sending me to halo hell... Or maybe it's halo heaven. I mean, I have plenty of fun there. Whatever, that's just more questions I can't answer. Next question, can I take off my suit? I reached up and tried pulling off my helmet, but found that it was stuck. I did the same with my gloves and boots and chest piece, but to no avail. Ok, looks like I'm stuck with the suit. Alright, that wasn't so hard, perhaps I should just think more often. I got a lot of answers out of it. Of course, now what am supposed to do? I walked over to the fountain and looked at it more closely. I hadn't paid any mind to the statue being of fish until just now. "I hate fish." I really don't know why, I just do. I've always hated sea food, at least I think I have. I can't remember ever eating fish. "I really feel like punching fish today for some reason." I then contemplated whether or not I should punch the statue. I looked around quickly and noticed that there was no one in the immediate area to get mad at me, so I decided to punch the thing. I pulled my arm back, ready to deliver a fatal punch to the non-living fish abomination, when I noticed something in the water below me. I looked down, and sure enough, there were fish. It wasn't hard to identify the big orange and white things as coy fish. "Coy fish." I muttered. "My mortal enemy." I then redirected my punch that was going to be for the statue to the nearest fish in the fountain. It was just swimming there, minding its own business and happily enjoying being a coy fish in a world full of happy colorful ponies without a care in the world, when suddenly a big fist came from nowhere and punched it right in the head. It was dead instantly. I smiled to myself, one down. Like twenty more to go. I then jumped into the fountain and ran around punching the shit out of all the innocent little fish. Within minutes, the fountain was littered with bodies, and I stood victorious, knee deep in water and fish carcasses. "By Bungie I swear, I will kill all fish that cross my path!" I then gave a silent prayer to BP to pour more oil into the ocean. I have no idea who BP is, but it seemed like the right thing to do at that moment. Then I realized just how hard it will be to fight fish if I can't even go into the water without dying. I mean, I can go into it, but as soon as it gets too deep I just die instantly. What's up with that? I can literally survive in space with my armor on, but water kills me instantly. After a short moment of relishing my victory over the uncouth fish scum, I was interrupted. "I say, what in the name of Celestia are you doing there?" I looked over to see that it was a light brown pony stallion with neatly combed gray hair and a monocle. He was standing with a couple other ponies who all looked really fancy for some reason and each had a look of disgust on their faces. "Punching fish. What does it look like I'm doing?" I asked as I stepped out of the fountain. "How absolutely barbaric!" Said a pinkish white girl pony who was wearing an elegant peach colored dress. "Yes, who let such an animal into the gardens? Guards! Guards! There's a monster in the gardens!" Yelled another stallion with a tan coat and dark brown hair. I just chuckled to myself. The idea of fancy ponies was just silly for some reason. Then a pair of guards ran up behind the other ponies. They were white with golden armor like all the other guards. I briefly wondered if all the guards were related or if they only chose white ponies to be the guards. Or maybe Celestia lays a bunch of eggs and when they hatch she raises them into guard ponies and that's why they are all white like her! No, that's just a ridiculous idea. Then the two guards took a look at me. "This must be the guest that Celestia told us all about." He then turned towards the other ponies. "It's fine, this is Celestia's guest." The brown pony then raised his nose up in disgust. "Why would Celestia have such vermin running around her castle?" Alright, now he was just being a dick, so I decided I'd be mean back. I walked up to him and grabbed the monocle off his face. Now that I was closer, I could see that it was studded with a bunch of small sapphires, it must be worth a lot. I then put it up to my visor where my eye would normally be. Surprisingly, it stuck there. "Hey guys, look at me. I'm a fancy pony now too!" I said this in a mocking voice while waving my arms around. The three ponies huffed in distaste of my behavior. "By the way, I'm keeping this." I said as I walked away with the monocle. The brown pony was shocked that I had just taken his monocle and walked off so he turned to the guards. "Aren't you going to do something?!" The two guards looked at each other for a second before turning back to the brown pony. "Buck that, I heard he has a sword that's so sharp it can easily cut furniture into little pieces with one swipe." The other guard nodded and continued for him. "And besides, he just punched all those fish to death. That guys crazy! I'm not going anywhere near him if I can help it." I just walked off chuckling to myself. I was in a great mood right now. I just beat the shit out of a bunch of fish, then I trolled some ponies. The best part is, now I have this kick ass monocle.