//------------------------------// // Imminent Strategic Withdrawal // Story: Military Wishful Thinking // by Scratchpad //------------------------------// “No, no, no, Miss Sparkle. You may not discover an ancient relic of phenomenal power underneath the fortress, you may not have giant eagles swoop out of the sky to rescue your troops or destroy your enemies, and you most definitely may not miraculously find an enemy soldier willing to turn traitor that just so happens to possess some hidden power that converts virtually all of your enemies into allies!” He panted slowly, allowing his fit of pique to wind down. Resuming a calmer, but not really calm, manner, he turned back to the chalkboard. “I cannot stress this any more strongly. This is military strategy, not 'military wishful thinking'. Now, you may have some misfiring neuron in your cute little head that is convinced that Celestia Ex Machina events happen on a daily basis, but I am here, in no uncertain terms, to quash that errant thought flatter than a... a, well, than a really, really flat thing!” Twilight raised a hoof. “Yes, Miss Sparkle?” “I think the word you were searching for was ‘pancake’.” She paused for a moment and brought a hoof to her her chin. “Or perhaps a Prench crepe- they’re even thinner than a pancake.” “Enough!” bellowed the bespectacled instructor as he rounded on the filly once again. “Yes, Professor Brace Girdle. You’ve taken the word right out of my mouth. I think enough is enough. We’ve talked about your little temper problem and the yelling at students before, haven’t we?” If the white on his already white body could have gone any paler, it would have. As it was, the color drained from his cheeks and he suddenly looked quite timid. “Your Majesty!” He forcefully squeaked and ducked into a deep though sloppy bow. The look on Twilight’s face couldn’t have been more a study in contrasts. Worried turned to elated and pensive turned into joyous as the little filly bounded from her seat to greet her Princess, the bestest, most wonderful teacher in all the wide, wide, world of Equestria. “Princess!” she cried. “Hello, my faithful student.” She nuzzled the little, purple filly and Brace Girdle’s heart dropped somewhere just past his stomach as he witnessed the astonishing familiarity between his liege and what he was certain was his, soon-to-be-former, student. “Now, what were you and the professor discussing that raised such a terrible fuss?” That she asked this of the student and not the teacher merely pounded another proverbial nail into his overwrought heart. “The professor was teaching me about strategy, in particular what he called a Kobayashi Maru scenario.” Celestia raised an eyebrow and glanced at the professor. “Star Trot, really Professor?” He had the good graces to look embarrassed. “It’s a legitimate topic for any graduate of your school. After all, any graduate will have an equivalent rank to Captain and that means she may one day be in command of ponies. You can never start training for command too young, in my opinion...” he hedged after he saw the skeptical look on the princesses’ face. “Yes, in your opinion. And you’re wrong about her graduating at the equivalent of a Captain in the Royal Equestrian Armed Forces. While normally you would be right, she is likely to rate a merit based promotion to Major at the very least. I would not be surprised if she finished a Lieutenant Colonel by the time she’s done.” Brace Girdle had only ever risen to 2nd lieutenant and the high hopes Princess Celestia had for the purple unicorn were shocking enough that he swallowed very hard. “So, a no-win scenario? Do elaborate on this exercise. It has been some time since I last lead ponies into battle, but win or lose, it is an experience I would never forget. Perhaps, once you have explained all the particulars you can then evaluate my response as well as Twilight's. A comparison, if you will. “Bu-But, your Highness, that wouldn’t be fair at all, you’ve hundreds if not thousands of years of experience upon which to draw. No mortal pony could hope to outwit one such as yourself.” “Proceed, Professor.” “But...” “See the crown, see the golden peytral and similarly golden horseshoes? I trust I won’t need to say it again.” Brace Girdle bowed obsequiously. “Of course not, your Highness.” He cleared his throat. “Imagine you are the commander of a garrison force in a fortified position surrounded by enemies at all four sides. Their forces outnumber yours by at least 2 to 1. In a direct confrontation, your troops would be destroyed. You have been holed up in the fort for several weeks and supplies are beginning to run low. Your enemy has begun to assemble balistas and catapults to assault the fortress and according to the best intelligence, the enemy siege weapons will be completed in the next 2 days. You have mostly earth pony infantry, a few Pegasus scouts and no unicorn mages to speak of. What do you do? Celestia looked serene as she began to rapidly write down her answer. She commented almost offhandedly to her student, “Find me how we win this, Twilight. I don’t believe in a no-win scenario, and neither should you.” “Princess, please!” the professor moaned. “Don’t encourage her.” Twilight raised a hoof. “Yes, Miss Sparkle?” “This is essentially a fort surrounded by enemies, right?” “Yes...” he answered warily. “So, no mages means no unicorn magic, but we’ve got at least a handful of pegasi, and probably catapults of our own? “Yes.” “Explosives, too?” “Yes, but not enough to make up the difference in the size of your forces.” “That works.” Twilight began to write so quickly the quill began to smoke and she had to occasionally blow on the nib so as not to let it combust. Finally, both student and immortal teacher put down their quills and Brace Girdle felt his ulcer begin to act up. He just knew he should have eaten a cupcake at lunch; new-fangled paleo pony diets be damned. Food always helped his ulcer and he certainly wouldn’t have minded a little extra sugar in his bloodstream to deal with this. “All right, Miss Sparkle, let’s start with you.” “So long as they have the means to assault my position, I have no chance to enact my breakout plan. This means, that barring outside assistance, I must somehow destroy their siege weapons thoroughly enough that I would have the weeks necessary to enact my escape plan.” Brace Girdle smiled smugly for a moment before he spotted the smug look on Celestia’s face. He coughed to clear his throat. “Please continue.” "The enemy is obviously too far away for arrows or catapult shots to do much damage. So naturally, if they won’t come to us, we must go to them. A light barrage designed to create a smoke cloud to hide us from their sight, a shaped charge to blow a hole in the wall large enough for a company of fast earth pony cavalry to run through a lightly defended area in complete surprise, use of satchel charges to destroy the siege weapons, while the enemy is confused, a sally from the gate to clear it of enemies in preparation for the return of the cavalry, and engineer ponies working to block the hole in the wall so the enemy can’t reach us." She displayed an astonishingly complete diagram on her parchment for Brace Girdle and Princess to see. "Assuming complete destruction of the enemy siege weapons, that would give us up to two weeks to complete my plan for a breakout." Brace Girdle’s left eye was twitching. It was insane. Blowing a hole through your own fortifications? Sheer madness! He was just about to tell her exactly that when he heard clapping coming from Princess Celestia. “Bravo, my faithful student. A little unorthodox, but depending on how it was handled, I could very easily see it being highly effective.” “A little, your highness? I’ve never heard of such a cockatrice and minotaur story,” Brace Girdle groused. “Language, Professor. Precocious, she may be, but she’s still quite young. In any case, I know for a fact that the strategy is sound. Master Moosashi and I enacted a plan almost identical to Twilight’s during the battle of a Mare-A-Thong nearly a thousand years ago.” “Mare-A-Thong? But no records exist of that battle. Most scholars believe it to merely be a myth.” Oh, it happened, Professor. Believe me when I tell that because I was there. The Battle of Mare-A-Thong is no more a myth than you are a moth. The situation was nearly identical to your description. I had been incapacitated, the how is not relevant to our discussion, but Moosashi’s plan gave me enough time to regain my strength and once I was strong enough, well, I am quite the force multiplier when I put my mind to it.” “What did you end up doing?” Twilight asked, a little in awe. “Well, keep in mind that I am the Princess of the Sun and... I will leave the rest to your imagination. Suffice it to say, we survived and the peace that came from that incident lead to a treaty that is still in force today.” Brace Girdle was looking at his princess like she had just told him that the Tooth Flutterpony was real and that she had tea with it every alternate Thursday. Celestia just smiled. “What can I say? I’m quite persuasive when I wish to be and there is a certain ‘magic’ to friendship that can make even the most bitter of enemies into friends. That is, if all the necessary elements are there and, of course, you need a spark to really get it going.” She leaned over and rustled Twilight’s mane with a hoof. “Isn’t that right, Sparky?” Twilight smiled broadly. It was obvious that this was some little in-joke between the two of them. “That’s right, Boss Mare!” Brace Girdle's jaw nearly dropped when Twilight Sparkle dared to speak in such a way to the Princess. No lighting struck her down and no guards appeared to cart her away, so he finally shrugged. “So, that’s truly all you wish to say on the matter?” “Well, I suppose I can tell you that for a few decades after the treaty was signed, those who had been in the battle referred to it as the, “Argh, Argh, It Burns!” Treaty. “Noted.” Brace Girdle practically whimpered. Celestia looked at her student, a proud gleam in her eye. “Twilight, I'm curious. What was your final breakout strategy? I’m certain it won’t be the same as mine, at least not substantially so.” The glee of imagined mayhem was shining in her eyes. “Forging razor disc blades to be unleashed into one large or perhaps two smaller tornadoes created by the handful of pegasi under my command. Running a spinning tornado of sharp death through our enemies should be enough to whittle down the opposing force to help even the odds against them, but more likely it would give us a decided advantage. In either case, we would probably be in a much better position to negotiate, finally they may even retreat en masse. Celestia practically beamed. “Negotiation need not be first, but should always be an early option. I’m very pleased you even considered it. It may not always succeed but dismissing the option limits your possible responses. Keeping an open mind maintains your flexibility and like flowing river that travels around obstacles, a flexible mind can overcome almost any problem.” Twilight looked up from her parchment to see Professor Brace Girdle had disappeared. A pure white flag remained where he once stood. “I don’t understand. Where did the professor go? And why did he leave behind a white flag?” Celestia levitated the flag towards them with her golden magic. She eyed it intently. “It’s a symbol of surrender or of the desire to begin negotiations, if I recall correctly. My opponents over the ages have used flags similar to this in order to beg for mercy. I haven’t ever had need of one myself, but I understand the general idea.” She admired the quality of the material. Twilight looked thoughtful for a moment. “So, he just gave up and ran away?” She pointed at the flag. “And this is how he’s chosen to let us know?” Celestia shrugged. “That would be the long and short of it; though, I believe they call it a strategic withdrawal.” Confused, Twilight asked, “Who calls it that?” Smiling, Celestia replied, “Why, the the military strategists when confronted by ‘Military Wishful Thinking’.” She tsk-tsk’d before continuing. “You’d think he would have had better contingency planning in case his boss’s, boss’s, boss’s, boss’s boss showed up.” "As Mister Brace Girdle is no longer here, what do you say to cutting class short and going for some ice cream?" “Ice cream!” Twilight said in a cheer, her forehooves raised above her head. “I anticipated you would react in just that way.” Celestia said warmly. Twilight rushed from the room, but the princess took a more sedate pace, long enough for the little purple filly to reach the middle of the hallway. “Hurry up, Princess! Ice cream!” She cheered. “Coming!” Celestia called back just as she was passing the desk at the front of the room. "Just one more little thing I have to do..." -SHOVE- She channeled just enough force to embed the desk into the wall. It wouldn’t be leaving that spot until much, much later. Speaking softly, yet clearly enough for somepony standing close by to hear. “Your aforementioned anger issues and yelling at students do not speak well of you, and neither does your blatant cowardice upon suddenly being confronted by your Princess. That you should be so woefully foolish to yell at my personal student, to deride her, to demean her, to attempt to stamp out the spark of creativity within her, makes it clear to me that there is no place for you here at my school. I wanted you to consider my words carefully.” She paused for a moment as if to let what she’d said sink in. “You should have several hours to ponder them before the the janitor comes to free you from your desk. Some free advice from one teacher to another, If teaching students is not for you, consider administrative work or even something completely different.” Another pause. “However, it will not be here. You can consider your employment terminated. Your severance will be a generous one. Have your things and yourself removed from my school by the end of the school day tomorrow. Professor Square Peg will be taking over your classes starting tomorrow. Good day, Mr. Brace Girdle.” “Princess?” came a concerned voice from the hallway. “Coming!” called back Celestia. She galloped off to spend time with her student. A bright red liquid oozed out from under the crumpled desk. %%%%%%%%% Hours later %%%%%%%%% “What did you do to my floor!?” groaned the janitor with a crowbar. “Sorry, sorry, marking ink bottle broke, red ink all over everything.” Brace Girdle explained. “Mostly all over me,” he grumbled. The janitor leaned close to the former professor. He sniffed twice- loudly. “That ain’t ink. That’s blood.” He said matter-of-factly. Brace Girdle’s eyes went wide as saucers for a moment and then he toppled over in a dead faint. The janitor took note of his calm steady breathing. “Aunt Celestia wasn’t kidding, I’ve seen braver mice.” She trotted over to the doorway where another, identical stallion stood with a slight grin on his face. “All done, Princess?” the old stallion asked. “Yes. Thank you so much for your help, Mister Booth Bee.” She used her magic to cancel the illusion and returned to her normal pink self. “Was my pleasure. None of us liked how he treated the students. Especially a nice little filly like young Miss Twilight.” “My sentiments exactly,” she said as her horn glowed. The ink upon the floor gathered into a ball and hardened into a bright red marble. The floor was spotless. “My way of saying thank you for letting me have my fun.” “Anytime, Princess.” He smiled broadly, a rare sight, indeed. “Anytime at all.” #### End