//------------------------------// // AND THE MAN IN THE BACK SAID EVERYONE ATTACK AND IT TURNED INTO A BALLROOM BLITZ // Story: Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead // by Rune Soldier Dan //------------------------------// The second staff meeting of the day. Disruptive as hell for the classes, but that was nothing compared to what came next. Luna slammed her hands on the table, summoning the room to order. “Alright, guys. A horde of zombies are about to attack the school…” She winced as the inevitable sounds of celebration went off, then finished. “And we can’t kill them.” The noise died at once, replaced by confused silence. Luna explained. “Principal Cinch has infected her students with brain worms and is leading them here. She’s looking to have them bite and control our student body so she can engineer scandals to destroy Canterlot High.” Cranky coughed into his sleeve. “Bitch.” Luna rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we know. Anyway, the kids themselves are innocent, so we need to figure out a countermeasure that doesn’t involve automatic weapons. I think that we–” Redheart cut in with a snort. “Send all the students home? Let Cinch attack an empty school.” Luna made to respond, but Harshwhinny spoke first. “Result: they pursue us to the residential areas, possibly spreading the infection as they go. Cinch’s fixation on Canterlot High might be all that’s keeping this contained.” “Point,” Luna said. “So I’m thinking–” “We seal the building.” Cranky racked his pistol to punctuate the words. “Make it a fortress. Take my old sniper rifle, look for Cinch, and give her a new nostril.” Luna held up a hand. “Well actually–” Cheerilee shook her head. “Too few of us. They find one unguarded window and all we’ll have done is lock ourselves in. I’m thinking we fort up in the gym. There’s room for all the students, and it’s small enough that we can actually cover all the entrances.” “I don’t–” “Much as Iron Will loves his gym…” Iron Will’s words brought a loud groan out of Luna. He blinked at her, uncomprehending, before he finished. “If we take ourselves out of the picture like that, Cinch can just throw her students at us until we’re overrun.” Whooves looked up from his phone. “So we don’t take ourselves from the picture. We barricade our students in the gym, but we fight from outside. Ideally then while Crystal Prep is laying siege, we’ll get our chance at Cinch.” Harshwhinny’s natural frown deepened. “By ‘we,’ you mean ‘you,’ correct?” “Don’t you think things are desperate enough for me to help fight?” “No.” Redheart’s laconic voice came from her spot at the window. “Good a plan as any. Not to sound alarmist, but like eight school buses just pulled up.” “Crap,” Cheerilee squeaked. She fumbled for her pistol, speaking quickly. “I wish Celestia was here. I mean, what do we all do?” Luna brightened. “Well, Iron Will should–” “Iron Will, hold the gym entrance.” Harshwhinny pointed at him. “Incapacitate any Crystal Prep student that comes your way. Whooves, organize the students to get the place fortified.” Cranky Doodle nodded and followed up. “Right. I’ll get my bolt-action, Nagatha, you grab the big ol’ shotgun Celestia keeps in her desk. God knows what kind of vampire Cinch is, so silver in a handgun might not take her down. Cheerilee, you herd students to the gym, and don’t be afraid to club a preppie if it means not getting bit.” “I’ll grab my phosphorus bomb.” Redheart looked just a little too happy with the announcement. “I’ll only get one shot, but hey, that’s all I need.” Celestia wasn’t here to tell her ‘no.’ Harshwhinny nodded. “Right. Break.” “What about me?” Luna asked. The others paused. A few uncomfortable glances were shared before Whooves put forth the solution. “Go on the P.A. and tell the students. Get them moving, but also try not to start a panic.” A high-pitched, wince-inducing squeal brought the school speakers to life. Students looked up from books and lunches, curious what the second announcement of the day would bring. Some were already whispering guesses as to who ‘Sunset got in trouble’ when Vice Principal Luna’s voice cracked through. “May I have your attention, please. The entire student body of Crystal Prep has surrounded the school and is presently charging from all sides. They will seek to bite you, which will spread their infection and make you like them. Please proceed to the gym as quickly as humanly possible. Your faculty will try to protect those of you who make it. Thank you.” With a last squeal, the speakers turned off. Utter, complete, and deathly silence fell upon the lunch hall. Then, Sonata began to scream. She was not the last. And over the din, a crash could be heard as the front doors slammed in, and music flooded the school. “Oh, yeah!” Lemon Zest screamed as she rode the wave of Crystal Prep students through the door. Her boom box thudded its tune over one arm, the other pointing dramatically forward. “You know what everyone says! Crystal Prep bites.” “Go Crystal Prep!” Sour Sweet cheered. She grabbed the first Canterlot student and bit him on the shoulder. She spat blood and chewed her tongue, finishing with a grumbled, “Really. It bites.” Cinch followed at a sedate pace, watching with annoyance as her mob overwhelmed the ill-lucked students by the main door. Disorderly, violent, undisciplined… and loud. The brain worms enforced her will, but sadly left her minions’ personalities intact. Especially regrettable for Miss Zest. Still: needs-musts. Celestia slammed in her last clip. She fired as she raised the gun, unfortunately only hitting the ghast in the leg. At least it staggered and tripped the six swarming behind it. Sunset had been less disciplined with her ammo. “I’m dry!” she shrieked. She flashed the damn silly light gun around in front of her. The ghasts on her end flinched, more from surprise than pain. It bought the hunters a second. Celestia fired again, hitting a face. Again, into another damn leg. Twelve shots left. No end to the ghasts. No fear. She had a plan. The grenade would go to the back hallway, where they had come from. That would be the egress – the fire doors would be closed, but not locked. State regulations said they couldn’t be, and Cinch, of course, would never risk a safety violation staining her school. Celestia would call for Sunset to run for it. That Celestia would be right behind. Sunset would flee, taking the steps two at a time, and ram right through the doors. Into the light. Ghasts were faster than humans. And Celestia still had… now, eight bullets left. Sunset would turn. Celestia would not be there. No hope for poor Cadence, either, but that couldn’t be helped. Sunset would be safe, and that was the priority. Six bullets left. Had to act now, while she could slow the ghasts. A four-year old memory popped into her head: A nightmare rousing her from slumber, that set her into a fit of weeping that woke Luna. Different than the usual nightmare. “I was in a nursing home,” Celestia had told her sleepy sister. “Old and withered. I had forgotten everything, and I kept calling for mother. That’s going to be me one day. I’ll forget everything, then disappear.” Luna had waited for the tears to end before responding. “Tia? Trust me when I say you’ll look on this in the morning and laugh. We’re vampire hunters. That’s not in the cards for us.” The words weren’t exactly pleasant, but coming from Luna, they were. Her cynical, bitter humor was familiar and comforting, and Celestia had been able to get back to sleep. Celestia’s mouth quirked upwards. Strange, the things one thinks about. “Not in the cards.” Four bullets. Now or nev– “I have an idea!” Sunset screamed. Celestia already had one hand on the grenade. “What?” “Take off your pants!” Celestia’s mind froze, but instinct kept her moving. Two shots, two more dead ghasts. Two bullets left. “…What?” “THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!” Two more shots. The gun clicked empty. No choice, now. Celestia dropped the gun and frantically undid her belt. Her slip-on shoes fell away along with the purple slacks. She stumbled out of them as quickly as she could, not even daring to wonder what in the actual hell was going on. Sunset was practically spinning in place, using the pinpoint light to keep the swarm at bay. But they were realizing the instant’s touch did no damage, and some had already begun to charge once more. “On your back! Stick up your legs! Do it!” Celestia obediently laid down. She winced and closed her eyes as the cold linoleum touched through her white underwear, but she thrust her legs to the ceiling and braced for death. “Make a wish,” Sunset muttered. She pointed her light gun at the pale pink legs and fired. What happened next was… a religious moment. Sunset knew Celestia’s legs had a way of amplifying light, and sure enough, they glowed neon under the focused brilliance. But it didn’t stop there. Whiteness blurred out the rest of Sunset’s vision, and noise like the ocean filled her ears. Colors spilled out from the legs, but these were no colors Sunset had ever seen. They were impossible, like the color of sound, taste, or love. Dozens of them – and with each new color, she forgot the last. The ocean’s roar fell to an odd pattering sound. Sunset realized it hadn’t been the ocean, but a hundred undead bodies turning to ash, and now falling to the floor. Through it all, the long neon legs remained unchanged. They turned sideways now… Oh. No, they hadn’t turned sideways. Sunset had fallen over. “We’re at the car, Sunset. Let me get the door open for you.” Sunset let Celestia guide her into the passenger seat. Muscle memory let her pull down the seat belt while Celestia got in on the other side. Sunset blinked, and the leg-shaped sunspots invaded the whiteness in her vision. But they were smaller than before, and the whiteness around was greying. She smiled as the car began to move. “I can see the motion. I’m definitely getting better.” “Good.” Celestia’s voice came from her left. “We’re going to make a quick stop at home first for guns and ammo. I also have a Taser; it might help deal with infected students.” “Good plan.” They drove in silence for a moment before Celestia asked, “How did you know that would happen? With the, ah, legs and all.” “I knew that your legs amplify direct light; I saw it with the hall light once when you were asleep. I definitely didn’t think they would work so well, but we were out of options.” “Not quite,” Celestia said quietly. “Hm?” “Never mind.” Celestia gave Sunset a smile, though it probably went unseen. “Just… when we tell people about this, can we say we fought them off the normal way?” “Sure thing.” Sunset returned the smile as they pulled onto the freeway, and Celestia stepped on the gas.