//------------------------------// // OSP: Diversionary Tactics // Story: Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) // by Barrobroadcaster //------------------------------// The massive Cogsdale closed in on them, its cog-shaped shadow already covering the base again. Dan and Phoenix looked up at it, the sheer size of the machine enough to easily dwarf any airship they'd ever seen before. Lightning crackled around its exterior and the vacuum in the center started up again. "So... I'm sure you have some idea of how to beat that thing, right?" Phoenix asked. He glanced over at Dan; the other human's eyes were still fixated on the approaching flying fortress. "Right? Dan?" "I'm working on it." "Please don't tell me you're going to try to moon that thing." "Nicky!" Dan looked over at him. "You should know I'd never do anything like that!" "Yeah, I was just checking." "Honestly, Nicky," Dan shook his head. "Repeating the same diversionary tactic so early and with the SAME diversion. You know I'd never make a strategic error like that!" "Oh, sure... of course," Phoenix said, nodding. (Pulling your pants down is a tactic? I wonder if that would work in court against Gaspon or Edgeworth...) "OBJECTION!! The witness's statement is clearly faulty, Your Honor!" The Judge blinked, surprised. "It is? Where exactly is it faulty?" *zzzzip!* "Right here!" The courtroom was stunned into silence. Miles Edgeworth, across from Phoenix at the prosecutor's bench as usual, had frozen. An expression of abject horror spread over his face. At the Judge's stand, the Judge's jaw was frozen open. They all looked at Phoenix, greening sheepishly as he bent over and presented his "decisive evidence." "OBJECTION!!" Godot yelled, suddenly appearing at the witness stand. The Judge was still frozen, unblinking and made no indication he heard Godot's objection. "Um... what?" Phoenix asked, still mooning the court. "The prosecution submits this evidence to the courtroom!" Godot declared, grinning as he unbuckled his pants. "BEHOLD! EXHIBIT A!!" "NOOOOO!!!!" *Phoenix's Psyche-Guage explodes along with the entire courtroom* "No!" Phoenix yelled, suddenly panting. Dan, Vice Grip and the Blasties were all staring at him. "No what?" Dan asked. "You okay, Nicky?" "I'm... I'm fine," Phoenix said, swallowing. "Just... just had a thought about a courtroom tactic. That I will never try." "Heh," Dan chuckled. "Never say never, Nicky." "Right." (NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER *mentally inhales* NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER! NEVER!) "Neither of you will have to worry about that ever again!" Vice declared with a malevolent glee. "I'm going to reduce you both to atomic particles and use you to build a new Equestria! Say goodbye, bipeds!" "Oh boy..." Phoenix remarked. "Alright, what's the plan, Dan?" "Oh mai gawd," Vice said, listening to the two of them. "It's like I'm fighting an angry Alfred E. Neuman and Japanese Tom Cruise from a A Few Good Men!" "That's Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee," Phoenix said. "What?" "Lt. Daniel Kaffee, that's the characters name." "Oh. And of course, you'd know that," Vice remarked. Dan looked confused. "Who the hell's Alfred E. Neuman?" "Dan!" Phoenix yelled. "Plan! Now!" Dan shrugged. "Eh, we don't need a plan." "WHAT?!" the lawyer shrieked. "Aren't you worried that thing'll destroy us?" The smaller human grinned. "What, me worry?" "Yeah..." Blast Fuse hovered up beside him along with her sister. The cute ponies took positions at his sides. "Dan, we're all for explosions but..." "Not ones we're in the blast radius of." "Ooooh! Reminder, we need to check on the primers on the Enclave's explosives for Blast Radius." Blast Powder shook her head. "Noooo, we need to check on the radius of the Enclave's explosives for Blast Primer." "We don't have a relative named Blast Primer," Fuse corrected. "We have a cousin named Blast Timer and then Blast Charge's brother is Blastimus Prime." "Blastimus Prime?" Powdy said, skeptical. "You just made that up right now. You JUST made that up RIGHT now." "Okay, well why don't you call Blastimus and ASK HIM IF I MADE HIM UP?!" "SHUT UP!!" Vice Grip jammed his fingers into the buttons, pressing them rapidly and pointing his remote at the group. "I CAN'T STAND IT! YOU IDIOTS AREN'T DYING FAST ENOUGH! I HAVE TO MAKE THIS THING KILL YOU FASTER!" The Cogsdale's shadow passed over Vice Grip, edging perilously close to the humans and ponies. "DAN!!" Phoenix shrieked. "DO SOMETHING!!" (I'm tightening my pants!) Dan put his arm around Phoenix and patted him on the back. "Nicky, Nicky, Nicky. We don't need to do anything, pal." "WHY... not?" "We got it all under control," Dan said, putting his hand up to his hooves-free device. "Daring, you in position?" "Ready when you are, captain!" "Heheh, good. Let 'em have it," Dan said, smiling. "What are you talking about?" Vice asked. "Dan?" Phoenix asked. "Was that... Daring Do on the phone with you? What was this about?" "Like I said, Nicky- diversionary tactics." Phoenix was about to ask what he meant by that... when the explosion answered for him. High above them, just as the vacuum was about to start again, Cogsdale exploded. Blossoms of fire erupted along the back of the vehicle around the engines, breaking metal panels off into melted shrapnel. The flying fortress's bow dipped as more explosions ripped out from the inner ring, tearing through the gear-shaped vessel. The entire ship began to split in half from back to front, finally breaking into two huge chunks that exploded in a ball of purple-orange flames. And not a single cinder even hit the ground. Vice stared up, slack-jawed at his creation burning like a halo directly over his head. Part of it came down and ripped into the mesa behind Halberd Base, which oddly enough resembled a giant cornucopia full of assorted fruits that had been sculpted by a dismayed artist unable to escape his fate as a popular cartoonist. Yeah, the one from Rocko's Modern Life. But, from behind it. What the hell is it even called- a Still Life or something? What is that even? Google is being no help at all on this one... I'm beginning to wonder if even I get this reference. Still Life... that's a thing. World's largest Still Life. That is what we are going for. I guess. Anyway... "You... you maniacs!" Vice yelled. He fell to his knees, staring up at the sky. "You blew it up! You blew it up and now I'm Charlton Heston for some reason! Damn you... damn you all to hell!" he said, pounding his metal fist into the sand. "Hahaha!" Dan laughed, standing over the defeated scientist. "Cool Stories, Vice City bro but there's one problem with all your little sneak attacks." "Oh yeah? What's that?" Dan pointed upward. Vice looked up to see the remains of his ship crumbling down. A silvery object, a flying DeLorean sped out of the wreckage just as it completely incinerated. "A real sucker punch is one you don't see coming. You wait till they're looking one direction and then you hit from the other. But you just keep coming at me from the same direction. You can call me predictable but really, you're just as-" "Wait wait wait wait," Vice held up his hands. "I know what's happening. You're making me look up at all the burning wreckage and you're gonna punch me in the face while I'm distracted, right?" "No, actually," Dan said, patting him on the shoulder. "But Phoenix is right behind you and he has your remote." "What?" "G'night, sucker." Vice had just enough time to turn around before Phoenix clocked him with his own remote. While his holographic projector technology prevented him from being touched by others when he didn't want to, he had configured it so he could still use the remote while intangible. This meant that the remote had to interface with him, which meant it could interface with his face. And Dan and Phoenix had known that since he pulled it out. Vice hit the sand like a ton of bricks. "I got him!" Phoenix said. "Yep, you got him. Good job, Nicky."