Rude Awakening

by ponyaddict


Pinkie's Guide to Ponyville

I regained consciousness slowly, in fits and starts. Sleep hung on my eyes like a pall, and drowsiness numbed my mind. Pressing through to the forefront of my sensations was the throb of my head. It felt like a vice had been cranked down on it, and sadistic sprites were jumping and capering on the crank lever. Whispering along in the wake of the mind-crushing pain was the question, “what did I do last night?”

When I'd mastered my pain enough to pay attention to questions like that, I asked it to myself. In reply, my memory fed me a tale about running from Unicorns and being twice tackled by a Pegasus. But that was ridiculous, I told myself. If that were true, I would be laying naked in the dirt under a bush covered in mud.

A small current of air blew past me, confirming to my reawakening senses my lack of garments.

I shifted my weight a bit, and felt the dirt beneath my bare shoulders.

Slowly, fearful of what I might find, I moved my hands to my body and felt the caked mud in patches across my skin.

At this point, the only missing element of my crazy memory was the bush. I hesitatingly reached an arm out to the side and found... soft, warm fur?

“Teeheehee – snerk – heeheehee, that tickles,” the owner of the fur informed me in a high pitched voice. Fur? Giggling? Unreasonably good natured about being grabbed by a bedraggled stranger? It could only be one being in all of existence –

“Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie. What's yours?” she confirmed my suspicions. Groaning, I opened my eyes. My vision was full of pink; pink face, pink muzzle, and pink ears, all on a pink head attached to a pink neck, framed brilliant blue eyes mere inches from my face.

“Gah!” I exclaimed, recoiling. Taking my hand from her side where it had found fur instead of leaves, I contrived to scoot back a foot and sit up. I seemed to be free from the morning condition that had gotten me in trouble with Rainbow Dash – things were looking up.

“'Gah'?” Pinkie queried. “Is that an abbreviation of Gavin? Or Gabby? You don't look like a Gabby, though. People have called me Gabby before, but I don't think they thought my name was actually Gabrielle. Though there was this filly named Gabrielle once, but-”

“Pinkie Pie,” I cut her off before my headache could get worse. She ceased talking immediately, as if she had only been talking to fill the air. The silliness of it had served to put me at ease, at least; it had been some time since I could relax. Was that the point? “I misspoke. My name is Sam, short for Samuel.”

“It's a pleasure to meet you, SamshortforSamuel,” she bubbled. “I was at Sugar Cube Corner, thinking of what to do on my day off when my friend Rainbow Dash came by and told me that I could find you here. I hope Dashie actually greeted you, she can be so inconsiderate when she's in a hurry sometimes. She didn't leave before you finished getting to know her, did she?” Pinkie winked. If I had been drinking something, I probably would have lost it all over Pinkie's face. Sorry, spit it. Losing it all over someone's face is not the right imagery... Anyway! As it was, I merely blushed profusely. A sly, knowing grin spread across Pinkie's mouth as she observed my reaction to her innuendo.

She shook her head disapprovingly. “Tsk, tsk. Dashie is always running off leaving things half done. I guess it's up to me that you get a proper welcome to Ponyville!” This tack was slightly confusing. Were we still talking about the kind of thing that had happened with Dash, or were these words only good at face-value? I was hoping it was just face-value. Rainbow and Rarity had left me too confused about my feelings for them as it was. I was counting on Pinkie Pie to behave more calmly and rationally than her friends.

Oh, God. I was doomed.

As I was slowly sinking into despair, Pinkie Pie continued talking. “I should throw you a welcome party! I'll invite some good friends of mine so I can introduce you to them! I should probably reintroduce you to Rainbow Dash properly, it sounded like you two got off to a rough start.” She was only partially correct; Dash had been the rough one. I was getting hopeful, though. This party sounded like exactly what I had been looking for: a chance to explain myself on my own terms. Surely even Twilight Sparkle would refrain from hogtying the guest of honor. Maybe. That still didn't account for how three of her other friends might respond, though. Rarity and Rainbow Dash had good grounds to be upset with me, and I had no idea if Fluttershy would ever be able to erase the image of me and Rainbow Dash “getting to know each other” in that bush.

“A party sounds terrific, Pinkie,” I affirmed. Though, I was not entirely presentable for a party. “Do you think I could impose on your hospitality a bit to clean up, though? I'm afraid my clothes have disappeared and I've gotten terribly muddy.” I suspected that it would do well to not look like a homeless bum, even if that's what I was in Equestria.

“Sure thing, SamshortforSamuel! I don't live very far away, come on!” she said, bouncing her way out of the bush to lead the way.

I poked my head out after her, only to see the park full of ponies that I didn't know. I retreated back into the bush. Being naked in front of one or two people had been bad enough, but I could not muster the courage to expose myself to the entire town. Despite knowing that they probably wouldn't care about my nudity, my species being much more unusual to them than birthday suits, I was still petrified with embarrassment at the thought.

“Psst! Pinkie Pie!” I whispered after her.

Pinkie poked her head back into the bush. “What's wrong, SamshortforSamuel?” she asked with a cock of her head.

“Do you have any clothes handy? Even a big towel would do,” I requested.

“Of course I do, silly! I have towels stashed all over Ponyville, in case of Hitchhiker emergencies,” she informed me. She entered the bush, walking around to the far side of the bush's root and picking a towel out from the branches. “Hewe yew gew,” she muttered around the thick towel.

“You're a lifesaver,” I thanked her. I got to my knees and wrapped the towel around my waist, making sure the ends were off-center so I wouldn't be susceptible to accidental exposure. With my recent luck, I wasn't entirely sure it would make a difference, but it was worth a shot.

“I try,” was her smiling reply. She made her way out of the bush and into the bright sunshine of the Ponyville morning. “The bakery I work at is only a couple blocks away, on the other side of the market.” Market was good. Maybe I could get something to eat. Now that I was starting to move around this morning my stomach had woken up, and was reminding me politely that I hadn't eaten since I woke up in Equestria. Maybe politely was understating it a bit.

However, a fairly significant obstacle stood between me and food. Money. I've never shoplifted, and I had no desire to start by pilfering provisions from pastel ponies, around Pinkie Pie, no less. Nevertheless, my growling gut garnered attention. And the resemblance of Pinkie's mane and tail to cotton candy clouded my cognition. Coughing, I carefully called for her consideration.

Pinkie stopped and looked back over her shoulder at me, concern written clearly on her face. I knew how the cartoon ponies managed human expressions, but seeing it in person was... mind bending. It didn't seem to fit what the rest of my eyes were telling me. I was shaken from my reflection on the similarities of expression between our species when she asked, “What's the matter, SamshortforSamuel?”

“Oh, I don't mean to seem rude, but I haven't eaten anything yet today. I was wondering if we can stop somewhere and get lunch?” I asked. The grin I was wearing could be described in a number of manners, the least of which was sheepish, the greatest of which was ingratiating, and the median of which was hungry.

An indulgent smile spread over Pinkie's features. “Of course, SamshortforSamuel! Follow me, I have friends in the food service business all over Ponyville, in case of hunger emergencies.” That was probably the most reasonable thing I'd ever heard from Pinkie's mouth, but she still made it sound nonsensical.

As we left the park I kept an eye out for any sign of Pinkie's other friends. I don't know what I would have done if I had seen them, to be quite honest. I didn't have much hope of not being seen, as it appeared most ponies only stood four to four-and-a-half feet tall, hoof to mane. At six foot even, I towered above them, sticking out like a sore thumb – in a world of hooves. My chances of flight were even slimmer. In a crowd this thick, Twilight could be on me in one quick ethereal jaunt and I would have nowhere to run.

Fortunately, we made it to the market without incident. The most that happened was garnering odd stares from passerby, but most went about their business when they realized who my guide was. Even Ponyville, it seemed, treated the abnormal as normal around Pinkie Pie. When she wasn't the one inciting the riot, at least.

The market itself... it's difficult to describe that type of open air market. In the sunshine, the colors of the fruits and vegetables were luscious and vibrant. The air was thick with the smell of the earth's bounty; the scents of flowers and fruits lent a hearty quality to the air that I'd seldom come across before or since. And all around me was the hubbub and bustle of business. Ponies talking, shouting, haggling, laughing, surrounded me. It was quite a big shift from my normal, quiet days of working at the bookstore.

Pinkie led the way onward through the crowd. It took a while, but most ponies seemed to make way for a giant biped and his madness-inducing escort. After making our way nearly to the other end of the square, our destination became apparent. There, standing at her cart, hawking her wares, stood Applejack.

She saw me first, and I couldn't miss the odd look she gave me. However, she soon saw Pinkie making her way through the crowd in front of me and relaxed. As her previous customer meandered away into the throng, she raised her voice and hailed us.

“Howdy, Pinkie! What brings you by today?” Applejack disappeared from view as she leaned down to rummage around in the storage under her cart. She reappeared when we were close enough for civilized volumes. Resting atop her hooves was a plate with two pastries on it. I don't know why, but I had a sneaking suspicion they were apple based.

“Who's your tall friend, here?” she inquired.

“This is SamshortforSamuel,” Pinkie Pie began by way of introduction. “SamshortforSamuel, I'd like you to meet my good friend Applejack. Her family owns the best apple orchard in Equestria!”

“Well, shucks, Ah wouldn't go that far, but we do grow a darn fine apple,” AJ demurred. “Speaking of, I've been working on some new tricks for the baking apples. Would you two care for a sample?” she asked, sliding the tray towards us over the cart.

“Don't mind if I do!” Pinkie exclaimed, lifting a pastry from the tray with both front hooves. She proceeded to sit on her haunches and begin the process of devouring it.

“Um, thank you. How much do we owe you?” I asked, picking mine up.

“Nothin', though Ah appreciate the offer. First one's on me,” she rejoined cheerily. I took my first bite, and was not disappointed. “So, do y'all like it?” she asked expectently.

I was caught in that awkward situation of having only just taken another bite, being forced to weigh the rudeness of leaving the question unanswered with the rudeness of talking with my mouth full. Luckily, I was able to avoid both when Pinkie Pie took the decision on herself.

“Thesh're rully grood, Aeshay,” she garbled out, crumbs spraying out on the ground in front of her. I nodded my head in agreement.

“Glad tah here it!” AJ was positively beaming. She turned her attention to me. “If'n ya don't mind my askin', what brings you to Ponyville, SamshortforSamuel?” She winked as she said my name the way Pinkie had related it. Clearly, she knew that someone was having fun at someone else's expense, but did not feel obliged to end the joke.

“I don't know how I wound up here, to tell you the truth. I had a couple suspicions at first, but I honestly just don't know anymore,” I told her as soon as I got my mouth empty enough. “I'm pretty sure it involves magic, though.”

“Magic, huh?” Applejack thought for a while. “Hey Pinkie, why don't we take him to Twilight's place later? Ah'm sure she could figure out what's goin' on with this magic mumbo jumbo.”

“You're right!” Pinkie exclaimed. No traces of her pastry remained save for crumbs around her mouth and on the ground, whereas I was barely halfway through mine. “I was going to throw him a welcome to Ponyville party later, but mysterious magical mayhaps may mean more malefic mishaps!” Applejack and I both stood slightly shocked at the impromptu alliteration. I recovered first.

“That... may not be the best of ideas,” I told them hesitantly. “I've actually already run into Twilight Sparkle, and we didn't get off to a very friendly start...”

“I'm sure it's just a little misunderstanding, SamshortforSamuel,” Pinkie reassured me. “As I always say, don't panic!” Applejack snorted her disbelief.

“It's a little more than that.” I sighed. “Let me tell you what's happened since I've arrived...”