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// The Beginning 
// Story: Mundane and Mystical 
// by Thatonedingus 
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	To start this off, I must pose two questions. The first being, how long does it take for your life to go from mediocrity to completely off the rails. The second, and the harder to answer, is what is it like to be a god amongst the mostly mundane. The first question is answered with a simple split second. What was it though? A bullet through the head? Did I get bitten by some highly venomous snake and not get anti venom fast enough? No, I’m on the other end of the spectrum. I’m more alive than ever; stronger than ever, faster than ever, smarter than ever! Although, I was never that bright so I’m glad to have breached mediocrity with my brain. Everything else though, extraordinary. That green stuff from that one doctor works wonders; although I must admit I look more like a movie monster than a man anymore. Black eyes and yellow teeth like a madman; my skin looks more rotted than a dead man’s. My DNA was rewritten, and all it took was some green gook that tasted like two weeks old, sun baked sewage. 

Now, for the second question. Well, that’s the rest of my piece. My catalogue of everything that happened after I ended up in that wonderful land of whimsy and cheap booze. What place could that be, Germany, Ireland, Russia or Finland? Nope, it’s not on Earth. It’s on some rock floating somewhere in the galaxy of wherever the hell it is. That ‘It’ that ‘It’ it’s, Equestria. Not the name I would have picked for it. Although, it fits since they seem to have some obsession with horse related puns. Ponyville! Canterlot! I mean there is even a place called Saddle Arabia. It fits though, in a land full of walking talking ponies, puns rule I suppose. I bet the planning committee had a ball on that one. 

Now, I grew up in a combat zone. It’s the kind of place you see on those gangland documentaries. Although instead of the occasional drive by or some guy getting shot at his favorite restaurant, it more like plastic explosives being planted around homes to either kill the rivals or destroy their home. Hell, once I saw a guy drive a jeep down the street gunning down the few cops that had stayed in the city once the violence went full out, as well as anyone wearing the wrong colors. 	

Sure, it was a fucked up situation, but don’t feel bad for me! I injected that green shit into myself at age thirteen and the first side effects I noticed were incredible regeneration and well above average dexterity. I basically saw fights in slow motion, hell, I still do. How did I learn about the regeneration factor? I told you, it was a fucked up place for fucked up people, and I pissed off a fucked up person. He put two bullets into my chest! Don’t get me wrong, just because the bullets were pushed back out and the wound was closed within a couple seconds, I felt it! The pain of begin shot, it was very real. He started to run, and I made sure he never got the chance to pull the trigger ever again.

It was several years later and most of the side effects had set in. The black eyes might have been less than pleasing but it gave me…well not a whole lot in the world I was birthed from, but I can see traces of magic. It’s hard to explain really. Imagine a small cloud of pure color. Hmm, maybe it’s not that hard to explain. I learned how to use a gun affectively. I carried two magnums, a nine millimeter, and a small submachine gun. I never missed. For close quarters, I was never a fan of martial arts, I’m more of a whip out a machete and start chopping through people kind of guy, and you know what? That’s exactly what I did. 


I was basically making the best of a bad situation. If you had superpowers and a city full of people trying to gun other people down, what would you do? You would probably do what I did and have some fun. Don’t get it twisted though, I’m not a good guy. I’m not a hero. Some people thought I was, no, I’m what you might call a “circumstantial hero.” If there weren’t so many guys worse than me I probably would have found some other ways to practice and hone my art. I was thinking about mercenary work, and that first job was how I ended up in that pun riddled land. 

It was simple, some down on his luck kid whose parents had died a few weeks ago was willing to pay everything he had to exact revenge onto the perpetrators; I was more than willing to take it. They were hiding out in some warehouse, and when I got there it was like clockwork. Some people would have chosen to be stealthy, nah. Bust open the door, two gangbangers dead. Next corridor another one dead. Then there was the main room, talk about a pig sty! Beer cans everywhere and the place smelled of bad weed. I emptied two clips of my MP5 into them and cut down their leader with, and I don’t like to toot my own horn, the precision of a surgeon. 

There was a buzzing behind me. I thought it was something dangerous, and I know damn well you would too! I didn’t even look, I turned around and fired my shot. It was my first miss I had in ages, although later I would know that was because of magical interference. You’ve no idea how glad I am I missed that shot, because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here to talk about that missed shot. I guarantee you my removal would not have been pleasant. To this day, to this fucking day there are four creatures that truly scare me with the amount of power they possess. Their names, Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, Luna, and Discord. If they want me dead, I’m dead; no ifs ands or buts. 

I thought I was seeing things though, there was a portal opened up, a hole in the space time continuum! And in that hole, stood a purple alicorn, and a white one with a rainbow mane that I will admit is rather nice looking. If I was braver I would ask her if it tasted like cotton candy, and if I had a death wish I would find out myself. 

“Amazing!” The purple one exclaimed as she stared at me.

“Careful now.” The white one said to the purple with a motherly tone.

“Who, and what the hell are you!” I believe that was the first time I ever struck a disrespectful tone with them, and it was one of the only times. 

“We are Equestrians!” The purple one exclaimed once more, but this time something strange happened with the tear. It rippled. 

I should have ran right then and there, but I was intrigued. I had spent so many years doing the same thing day in and day out: Get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, shoot people, pilfer their pockets for booze money, get shit faced. It was a routine I enjoyed but I was certainly getting bored with it. 

“Talking horses, not gonna lie, I haven’t seen that one before.” I said walking up to the ripple to get a closer look. They were in some laboratory that looked like something straight out of Game of Thrones. Yes, we might be in a total war zone, but we still get books. 

“You don’t have things like us in your world?” The purple one was asking in earnest. 

“No, we don’t have talking colorful horses in my world.” I answered in a sarcastic tone, back then I didn’t think it was an earnest question, but even if it was my sarcastic tone probably would have stayed. I put my guns away, they weren’t a threat. 

“What are those?” The white one asked, pointing her horn at one of my magnums.

“One of my guns. It’s pretty simple. I point it at someone, I pull the trigger, that person isn’t breathing anymore.”

“It causes respiratory failure?” The purple one interjected.

“You could say that. It also causes respiratory failure, and can even shut down someone’s nervous system.”

The purple one gulped, but the white one was still calm. “So,” started the white one, “why are there so many…of those corpses there.”

“I don’t know about your world, but here, there are bad guys, I get rid of them.”

“We have eldritch horrors, beasts the size of worlds, and dark gods that walk amongst men. Yes, we have ‘bad guys’” The white one said completely straight faced. 

“Yeah well…. you know what! I really can’t beat that. You win this round.” I said laughing. 

The portal rippled again.

“You think it’s a joke?” The white one asked.

“Nah, all we got here is guys with guns that shoot people. Also, guys with knives that stab people. You kind of beat us on that front is all I’m saying.”

The portal rippled once more but this time it was big. The warehouse shook and began to crumple down. It was crushing this small piece of my reality. If I hadn’t of done what I did I probably would have been dust. I jumped through the portal. It could have rearranged my atoms and turned me into a sponge for all I knew, but better that than being painfully grinded into dust. 

I lived though, and before me were those two alicorns. 

“Well, hello there.” I said. “You’ve a place where I can rest my head. I’m kind of tired.”

They looked at me like a crazy person. Normal people would probably be thrown into a depression as they realized they would never see anyone they loved ever again. I didn’t have anyone though. Also, like I said, I was a bored. I looked at it kind of like leveling up. I was going from shooting people to shooting dragons and horrors and whatnot. Sounded fun then, and hell it was fun. Still is! 

“Uhm there is a…” The white one stuttered out. Celestia seldom lost her cool, but this was one of those times. A crazy person had entered her world. 

The purple one quickly piped up, “He can stay with me. I’ve always wanted to more closely study extraterrestrial lifeforms!” 

“I’ll be happy a blanket and a floor.”

“Nonsense!” The purple one started saying excitedly, “I have an extra guest room I’ve been dying to get some use of.”

“Then it’s settled.” The white one said, “But, if you are to stay in this world you should know both my name and the name of the one you are lodging with. I am Princess Celestia, a member of the triumvirate that rules this land. The other is Princess Luna who is currently absent on another duty. This is Princess Twilight Sparkle; she is my student. Although, to be honest she has learned nearly everything I have to teach.”

That night we left for Ponyville, and the shenanigans began.