Starlight Glimmer held a feather duster in her aura, busily brushing off her many shelves when her latest customer entered her shop. One glance in their direction and Starlight’s duster instantly clattered to the floor.
“C-can I… uh… h-help you with something today?”
Starlight—having once been a not-so-nice pony herself only a short time ago—rarely tensed up in front of anyone. Then again, not many ponies looked quite like the stallion before her.
On his torso, he wore an oversized black jacket. Around his neck were several pieces of gaudy gold and silver jewelry. Worst of all—besides his trio of unkempt mane, tail, and facial hair—was the darkened eye patch that covered one of his eyes.
Starlight didn’t believe she’d ever seen such a mean looking stallion in her entire life.
Until he opened his mouth, that was.
“Well, hello, there!” the stallion exclaimed brightly, his hardened expression loosening at once. “Sure hope I caught you at a good time, Ms. Glimmer.”
Clearly, Starlight was a tiny bit confused. “Umm… Starlight’s fine. And, yes, this is a good time. I take it you have a cutie mark problem?”
The stallion approached the counter, lifting his eye patch up to reveal a perfectly functioning eye underneath. He sighed tiredly. “Here’s the thing, Ms. Glimmer. I’m just having about the worst luck fitting in with this new gang that’s come to town. I keep on telling them I’m tough and terrible and a big ol’ meanie pants, but no matter what I do, they just never seem to believe me! Aw shucks. And, to think, it was just two days ago that I kicked over a neighbor’s plant without even apologizing! What more do they want of me?”
Starlight raised a brow. “There’s a gang in Ponyville? Since when?”
“Only about three weeks ago, but I heard they’re gaining new members every—” He paused as his face reddened. “I mean… we’re gaining new members every day. Yep. I’m a gang member! Sure, I am! I remind myself of that every morning, I do. I get out of bed and look into the mirror and go, ‘Noble Heart! You’re a gang member now, so you better start acting like one!’ And then I do. Because I’m a gang member, remember? But only after I feed and play with my cat, of course. Mr. Snickerdoodles would never forgive me unless I did that before leaving the house.”
“Uh… huh.” Starlight lengthened the two words until it was a whole ten seconds long. “So I take it you want a cutie mark that better represents what a horrible and terrible gang member you are now?”
The stallion gave a big, goofy grin. “By golly, Ms. Glimmer. It’s like you know just what to say. Here, let me show you the cutie mark I have now.”
Starlight strolled around the counter to better view the mark. She snorted by the sight. “I can definitely see why other gang members might give you such a hard time about it.”
On the stallion’s rump was a crystal clear likeness of Princess Celestia’s smiling face next to a text bubble reading: “I LOVE YOU AND AM VERY PROUD OF YOU. NEVER FORGET THAT.”
The stallion turned to her. “See? I’ll never move up in the gang’s ranks with a mark like that!”
Turning to snag her handy cutie mark catalogue, Starlight was surprised to find another customer rush inside—this one covered head to hoof in bright, shimmering plates of armor. Starlight could barely open her mouth before they trotted up to her counter and shot their butt out to the side to shove the stallion away.
“Why don’t you get out of my way next time?” her new customer snidely asked. By her brilliant armor, it was clear she must’ve been an official member of the Royal Guard. Unlike most members, though, she had a long jagged scar running all the way from her forehead to her cheek. Starlight also noted the single cracked tooth in her jaw, as the mare wouldn’t stop noisily chewing on a fat wad of gum right in front of her.
“Look, Twilight Friend Number 615,” the mare said bluntly. “Here’s the story: I just got into the Royal Guards, but for some stupid reason, they’re all kinda-sorta scared of me. Like… extra bathroom breaks type of scared. So what you’re gonna do today is give me a new cutie mark that’s easy on the eyes. Capish? Comprende? You understand what I’m saying?”
Starlight chuckled lightly. “Oh, this is one I hear a lot of. I’m sure your cutie mark isn’t that terrible to—”
That was when the mare plainly plunked her entire butt onto her counter, lifting the bit of armor covering her mark. In response, Starlight loudly shrieked and backed away from her until she collided with the shelf behind her.
“What in Equestria is that pony doing to that other pony’s soft places!?”
The mare spat her gum to the floor. “Making an example outta him, clearly. What? You never dealt with snitches before?”
It took some time, but eventually Starlight got herself under control. While she did so, the mare in the armor took out a small roll of paper to light with a match before placing it between her lips and sucking hard. The aroma of exotic herbs soon filled the cramped shop.
Starlight tapped at her chin. “I think I may have an idea.” She glanced back to the stallion—who must’ve gotten back to his hooves earlier while he set his eye patch back in place. “You both seem to want the same thing, so I propose… a trade! So long as you both agree, of course.”
“Who? Switch my cutie mark with this dweeb?” The mare took another long drag from her roll of paper, exhaling smoke out through her nostrils. “Desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. Hold still, lamebrain, and let’s see what we’re dealing with.”
“What are you—”
The stallion’s face went crimson as the mare’s hoof fell to his buttocks and gave it a gentle caress.
“I like what I see,” the mare muttered aloud, licking at her lips, “both the mark and what’s underneath it. And if I’m being honest here, it’s been way too long since I’ve been near a stallion’s rubber hose.”
Starlight raised a hoof. “Is that honestly a saying now?”
The mare ignored the question and finished her examination by giving the stallion’s plot a hard smack, causing him to yelp out in surprise.
“Fine. Do it. Not like I’m getting any younger here.” Then the mare swung her torso into his, so both of their cutie marks tightly mashed up together.
Starlight turned to the now stock-still stallion. “You’re okay with this?”
The stallion thought on it for a moment, before nodding. “Anything for Princess Celest—” He stopped himself again. “I mean my gang! Anything for my gang!”
The following cutie mark swap went rather fast and painless, and by the time it was over, the stallion began distancing himself away from the armored mare. Too bad she wasn’t letting go of him in the slightest, continually grinding her torso into his as she softly nibbled on a lip.
She gave the stallion a seductive stare. “You gonna finish what you started, big boy? I’ve been with the Royal Guard for three weeks now and haven’t gotten laid a single time. Their loss, right? Whaddya say? I mean… it’s not like I’m a freaking Royal Guard or anything!” She tipped him a wink. “And if you’re lucky, I might even let you shoot ranch dressing all over Celestia’s face.”
Again, Starlight raised a hoof. “That’s also a saying now?”
The stallion angrily stomped a hoof. “I would never do such a thing to Princess Celestia’s immaculate face!”
The mare smirked. “And here I thought all the gang members in Ponyville were super nasty and wicked.”
The stallion frowned. “And here I thought all the Royal Guards in Canterlot were noble and brave! No wonder there’s word of a mole inside the castle!”
The mare barked out a laugh. “Just like that undercover guard inside your gang that everyone’s talking about right now?”
That last outburst made both of them freeze on the spot. Both began visibly sweating.
The stallion broke the silence first. “I… I should go talk with Celes—I mean with the rest of my gang right now… they’re probably getting worried about me…”
“Yeah,” the mare agreed with a nod. “I should probably go, too. Not to warn Rat-Faced Jimmy or Tantalizing Tony or anything like that… but just to, you know, warm up the Princess’ tea or something utterly pointless…”
The pair departed soon after that.
And so, with both of her customers gone (and hopefully happy with their transactions), Starlight merely shrugged and retrieved her duster up off the floor.
The shelves weren’t going to clean themselves.