Luna:
Sombra did not love me.
He was the pony I wanted so badly to be my friend, and a companion I might be able to confide so much more in. I thought he was going to be different, and that surely he would not have the same delusions as so many others. Instead, he had the same celebrity crush on Equestria's returned princess.
It was unlikely he saw me as myself, as Luna, after what happened moments ago. My heart still pounds, and I can't stop shaking, even though I'm lying down in a cold sweat and just trying to close my eyes, shaking and shivering.
The blanket pulled over my head feels like a shroud, and I keep wishing that he had been different. Why did Sombra, a stallion who seemed to be so unique, have to fall for the same tricks as everypony else? When I had returned to Canterlot with Tia, news of my return had spread fast, not just due to my importance, but also because of how easy modern travel was. Within the first week of my time in Canterlot, I had received thousands of letters, and this awed me. I had never been held in such esteem by my subjects before.
A good deal of them were well wishes and sweet cards made for me by school-aged colts and fillies that wrote to me of their siblings and how glad they were to have me as their princess, as though I was somepony I knew instead of a reclusive ruler that they had never heard of before. Despite the anonymity, it was a kind gesture and I was touched by it, and all the authenticity of the loopy crayon letters and macaroni art.
However, there were less desirable letters that only served to enforce my desire to appear in public as little as possible. Those were the letters that spoke of how ponies claimed to understand me after hearing my story. They called me their 'dark goddess' in all the worst ways, and almost overnight I had acquired a small fan base of ponies who claimed to love me, their words toxic fantasy after fantasy.
They wanted to see me shoved under spotlight, to lay their eyes upon me, to remove layer after layer of my privacy with their uncomfortable and even perverse inquires and aspirations, in the case of the bolder ones.
I never wanted to see any of them.
Tia had ponies like this as well, who called her perfect, adored her image, and more. She didn't mind as I did. By Tartarus, Tia even encouraged her admirers. I learned that a few of her lovers over the centuries were previously among the ranks of these many infatuated souls, and it only doubled the awkwardness of having to behold all my sister's past lovers through pictures, footnotes of history, and the brief words of my sister.
Why did Sombra have to be one of these sorts? Out of everypony, why him? I was foolish to care about Sombra. His charm and understanding had seemed so genuine, and of course I was swayed into thinking he was more perceptive than that, and that he wouldn't fall for appearances or chase after power and status.
Could I really believed he would look past images? Was it so horrid to believe that one pony would be able to have more than just a fake foal's crush on me, or some vapid and undesired lust? Did he really think something so silly, such a minor and baseless attraction, would be accepted and prove true once spoken? He probably doesn't see me as anything but an idol from a lost world that he can study. Has he even listened to anything I've said?
Curse my shallow naivete, how could I so foolishly trust him? He had seemed so kind that I really thought I was going to have my first friend.
It was really such a foalish wish, wasn't it? It's unbearably obvious I'm no longer a foal, but I feel like one. I've had no confidence since Nightmare Night, and even that wasn't me at my best. Ever since the incident with Tantabus, I've wondered how many ponies know, how many of them are looking at me strange, and why I always feel like I'm being watched.
Something really was ripped away from me, and even though it had to be, I still feel exposed as a result. Everything seems so fragile now, but in a way that I'm afraid to do anything. Confusion only worsens this growing malaise and my fickle, low moods. To have anypony dare describe me as perfectly lovable, or anything of the sort, is just silly and mocking now.
Ah, curse this anguish! Why did Sombra have to be the one pony who I felt I could trust and depend on just a little bit turn out to be so... disappointing? He has currently disappointed me as much as I disappoint myself. I know not how to describe what I feel right now, even if I wanted to think about it, my feelings are a tempest I wish not to delve too deep into.
Instead, I scream and pull the blanket over my head, not caring how immature this is, I need this.
I have so much power, but feel so bruised that I'm not sure using it would even help. My magic is still intact - I use it so much while Celestia rarely displays her power - and I can feel it surge when my own temper threatens to break, or stress emerges, and other extremes.
I had felt it when we gave our magic to Twilight Sparkle in order to stop Tirek, when I felt like I could have done so much more. Tia and Cadance gave up all their magic - I saw their depowered forms with my own eyes.
But did I give up all my magic? No, I did not. I held onto the Tantabus, for I would not harm Twilight Sparkle by bestowing it to her. My small power, kept like a vile miser's gold, would have been unusable in a fight. The fact that I did not give up this power showed - most of my cutie mark was still intact, and my mane had not been reduced to the state it should have been in if I lacked my magic.
If only I had the confidence to manage all of this on my own, and there would be no companion to burden me. I wouldn't feel so betrayed, would I? Why, Sombra's probably furious with me out on the deck, or at least shocked that I'm not a flawless idol.
His confidence is so admirable. I wish I weren't so fraught with insecurities, and were more like him in that regard, and had the faith in myself I used to. Now, only my plans for this journey remain intact, while snippets of my self-confidence are still stagnating somewhere. Even if I can no longer think of him as I one I can trust, smile with, or confide in, I can at least respect him for what he's been through.
And how so long ago, I was there with him...
...
"You do not sleep."
Four words, clear and true were finally spoken, an echo of sound to fill the halls empty except for us. The king - Sombra, as he was called - haggard beneath the appearance of a tyrant. Why, that visage almost looked forced upon him glared angrily at me for interrupting him.
I understood why he needed a spell around him now. Eight years of forgoing sleep would make him dependent on magic to stay alive, and try to keep his mind as intact as possible, since it was all he had to keep himself alive.
Despite my horrid present situation, and the pain from the crystals that were on my horn and sprouting from my wings, speckled with blood as they broke my flesh, there was a light of pride - and of hope - blooming in the darkness. Though it was a fragile hope, it still shined infecting me with its whimsy. I had little else to suggest freedom other than this small thing, and I am desperate enough for it to have appeal. Soon, I would no longer limp down these halls. I would be free of this ruler... only to be bound by the obligations of my sister and the chains tying me to Equestria.
The world around me seemed to slow - and not just because of the stagnant, heavy, and cold air of this corrupted castle - and I knew that he too was imprisoned. Somehow, he was bound to something that had led to this cruel and mysterious fate, one that I do not think he could escape. While I have followed a path determined by where my only constant - as infallible as she had once been - led, for once I trusted her judgement.
Sombra - which was such a personal way to refer this total stranger - was somehow a kindred spirit. I was sure we both could feel it, there was something, even though everything about us could be so different, yet hardly without similarities. At are core, are we not the same, in one way or another?
How did you get here? Did you follow your anger until it led to a crown? Were you trying to prove somepony wrong to make history? If I had been your place and you in mine, would you think the same? Would I wear that crown as you do?
Everything about you, King Sombra, is so honest. Your words may not be true, but I can see in your eyes that you are as miserable as I, you cannot lie even if you tried, not to me.
In the seconds I process as a miniature eternity, I move my hoof ever so slightly. Despite the crystals embedded within, it was still quite sufficient.
You spoke true when you said you anticipated all cruelty, and I wonder if beneath all that despair, you've ever been shown anything like kindness, or any similar thing.
He certainly cannot be exactly what Celestia said; there is something deeper here...
...something I don't know, that is horribly lost in all of this, and that I could not save Sombra from even if I knew what to do.
I'm sorry, Sombra. Even if I knew what makes you who you are, under your cape and crown, do you really think the sun's shadow could save you?
Somepony in equal torment, who is just as lost and scared... even of you?
I needed my magic, back and the only way to do that is to trick him, startle him - anything that would cause his concentration to falter, and free me of this spell as a result. My plan would have to be as far-fetched and unexpected as everything happening within the walls of this prison, a tomb of smoky gray crystal.
He didn't expect me to be so quick, but despite the pain I managed to be swift enough to grab him and pull him closer to do the only thing that he would never expect, all in order to free myself from a twisted magic I could not break. It was I who would have to find my sister in this unforgiving crypt of the mad king, and the many unwilling subjects who met their death here.
I kissed the tyrant king of the north solely as a combat maneuver - to give myself the upper hoof - and it was an action even my wildest dreams could never capture. The thought of me kissing anypony was quite ludicrous, and here I was: my lips against this tyrant's, my heart in my throat, and my legs shaking as I threw myself into this strange gesture.
He was confused, and maybe even angry at me for using his words against him in the dark and crooked halls of this castle.
I was sorry that it had to be this way, but there was nothing I could do. By the time he would know what was going on - if his mind broke through madness at all - he would find that I was long gone, my own brief freedom found in the mad dash for my sister, who was my jailer and fellow prisoner in a breaking sorority, in the halls that make up the confinement of Sombra.
A few droplets of blood are all that I know leave behind, no doubt the result of my awkward gait.
It has to be this way.
'If only...' is my own mind's reply, perhaps a question, perhaps an answer. There is no reply as the air rushes past me.
...
Literal ages have elapsed between then and now, and this has always been a memory that has stood out, but not actively... but what is it to him?
Could it truly be a precious moment in his life? I'm surprised he even remembered that moment with such clarity, based on my reminders and teasing.
When Celestia was of the age to be as romantic as the Unicorn Court would allow, spoke of the her first kiss in a manner that my much more hopeless and forlorn self found vapid and so unlike her. She had always been much more inclined to discuss companionship, for even when we were fillies she would tell stories - and not particularly entertaining ones - to Discord and I about 'the prince' she was going to find one day. But the blind attraction she held for the Court's stallions never sat well with me. How could she be so affected by ponies without knowing a thing about them? Even now, I hadn't obtained much more of an understanding to how love - usually the love of mortals - could be so blind.
But Sombra... could he really have more than a faux ardor for me?
How? I'm not a pony worth loving, or rather, I'm not what he's looking for. I'm not what anypony is looking for, and he's better off chasing after Celestia despite their hatred! What could he possibly see in me that wouldn't be a characterization all his own?
Nopony could ever be told all my secrets and want to stay. What makes him any different from a blind chaser of admiration and cheap expressions of sentiment reciting poorly composed sonnets under a balcony?
I just don't understand... everything about this whole ordeal is horribly confusing. I don't know what else to do other than wait for a perfect answer. Everything as of now is as fragile as I feel.
Do other ponies think of me like my sister, who will gladly consort with ponies and embellish them with titles and gold - all the things that mean so little to me - only to watch them fade, or to feel like they had been nothing more than just another inferior who only saw a crown atop my head?
Somepony who only wanted an easy smile and a good time at court? Doesn't anypony realize that laughter is cheap? It doesn't matter how much one smiles, it's the happiness within that matters most. Frivolous distractions are no way to be satisfied with one's life.
I've never enjoyed the notion of having a mere consort either. I do not need an inferior to obey me, or a superior to be an unattainable presence of somepony I am obligated to look up to, something barely short of an idol. Until I find somepony truly equal to me, I will spend however much of my eternity content and alone, if it is really what I must do to be happy.
And behind my shut-tight eyes I see the flash of Quicksilver and the glint of äerint followed by twin axes and the strokes of Fate.
No matter how I felt about him, Sombra was my equal.
My equal who loved me, and because of this I only hated myself more for what I did right after the Crystal Empire had returned...
...
"The Empire, sister, has it truly returned?" I asked Celestia, who was pacing behind me. While she did so, I only stared out a window too high for any part of Canterlot, including the other spires of the castle, to be visible. This window was free of colored glass that depicted a grand events of both the past and present.
"It has, Luna. Why are so worried?" Celestia replies, and I can see the reflection of her warm smile in the clear pane. Had she forgotten what had happened there so long ago? Nothing about this warranted any sort of diplomacy! This was of matters dealing with dark magic - no, not just that, but with a tyrant who had known nothing of equinity. At least, according to the history that Celestia dictated be written shortly after the events, and the same history she still stood by today.
"King Sombra came so close to beating the both of us. Cadance and Shining Armor are formidable fighters, but can they really stand against a stallion with power that nearly defeated two true gods? He is one with a home field advantage... as well as magic of the mind."
"Luna, you needn't worry. I wouldn't send just Cadance and Shining."
"I must go as well," I said firmly, "with my power and intelligence on the foe, I shall be able to aide Cadance and Shining Armor easily. I know Shining Armor is reputed to have great skill with combat, but I doubt he could hold his own against dark magic. The stallion would be out of his element, and Cadance would be best suited to protecting the citizens of the Empire..."
"What is it you would plan to do, Luna?" Celestia asks, an imperial light twinkling in her eyes.
"I would do what we failed to do one thousand and one hundred years ago, when our power was little compared to what we have now: I will kill King Sombra myself."
"And the intelligence you possess?"
"It is on his magic and fighting skill," I reply, dipping my head so Tia will not catch my cheeks coloring slightly. I had never told her about what transpired in the Empire when I encountered him - not all of it, but I refused to lie to my sister.
"Why do you appear so passionate about this battle? It is an important matter - now that the ponies are free from the king's curse we will have a second chance at saving them."
"Yes, and I beseech you not just as your sister, but as your co-ruler to allow me to undertake this quest and fight for Equestria by slaying one who would oppress others, and protect those who would bring love to a land in need."
"I am sending Twilight Sparkle and her friends."
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE?!" I screamed, "Celestia, that is a mistake! She is but a child lacking proper combat training of any kind. She makes no decisions with a warrior's mind, and is not powerful enough to face Sombra himself. His magic would snare her mind too easily. You cannot expect one as naive as her to join those two, can you? Her and her friends would only be liabilities, she studies social interaction and Harmony's teachings, yet you see fit to throw a mere disciple, a prophet-in-training against one who has mastered her subject's opposite?"
"It is a test," Tia says calmly.
"A test?! The welfare of a nation is not a test!"
"Luna, you do not dictate what my student learns-"
"At the possibility of hundreds and thousands of lives being lost?"
"-just as I would not dictate the teachings of your own student."
"Because I would teach them tact? And I have already told you, I desire no student. I do not need inferiors, nor am I in any position to be a teacher. My duties and skill lie elsewhere."
"Your brashness is not a quality one would expect of any mentor, Luna. My decision is final. Twilight has boarded the express train from Ponyville and will be here soon. I expect you to be polite to her upon her arrival."
"She doesn't truly understand the world she lives in and the nature of evil, Tia. Sending a child into battle-"
"That's enough, Luna. Twilight is not a mere child, and you shouldn't treat her like one. You don't need to have this air of false bravado-"
"It's not that at all!"
"-to win ponies over. All is forgiven."
...
"ALL IS NOT FORGIVEN!" I scream, though there is nopony around to here. I bury my face in my forehooves and just try to calm down but only feel worse as a result. I have no idea when Sombra gained this infatuation with me. but if he did have it before any of this, back before even his return...
...Then that means I tried to kill somepony who was in love with me.
I want nothing more to disappear, I think to myself over and over until I remember little else.
...
The world around me was unbearably gray. Not the gray of smoke, nor the shade of charcoal that was Sombra's coat. The horizon was blurred by a barely defined sky that melded with the ground to form a plain of dismal monochrome.
I could not locate any light source at all, since a muted shadow seemed to pass over all, including myself. Even my indigo coat was dulled in this place where the air felt too heavy, like any words I spoke would fall to the ground, useless as could be, as if even I might not hear them anymore.
Through the haze of unpleasant nothing, for not even 'gloomy' was a proper word to describe something so barren, I noticed a circle of shadows darker than all the others - about half a dozen flickering shadows.
Large, winged shadows.
I looked up, staring somberly at what could be the sky of this place even though I feel so tumultuous inside.
They were vultures, but they did not cry out as I expected the menacing shades to.
I moved slightly, eyes still on the sky. The soft steps of my hooves should not have made any sound beyond a faint swish of air that came from moving my whole form. I heard the faint clink of glass.
I cast a quick glance at the ground. A road of glass had appeared, clear and defined despite there being no light to shine and cause any reflections I would have noticed from afar. When I looked toward the path to see where it might lead.
In the distance was the outline of a forest. It was rather hard to tell much about it, as it wasn't close enough for me to even see a single tree in even the vaguest detail except for the shape of the trees. They were overgrown and it gave the forest, no matter how distant, a claustrophobic feel.
I looked to the road again, which lead through these very woods to a destination I could not see, one that might prove perilous. It appeared I would fear myself on every step of this journey, which was not an unfamiliar feeling to me.
Yet, it was the only path I could see, and with a heavy sigh I took it. The world blurred as I took each step onto the chosen path, and then I found myself gasping and awake under the very blanket I had tried to bury myself under.
My hoof reached up to my face, brushing a lock of my mane - which was slightly matted with a cold sweat - out of my face, only to feel something there other than the lingering sensation of sleep.
I hadn't realized I had been crying.
Or sleeping.
Sombra... I should probably go check on him. He'll be able to feel my magic, so he'll know I'm there. Even if I don't know what to say, I should at least try to mumble something like an apology for locking him out like that before I withdraw entirely. Will I still be able to be around him, knowing how divided we will be and no longer be able to confide in him as I once had or see him the same way?
I found myself fretting over what could happen, but I knew I had to say something before I slipped into one of my bouts of silence where I had everything to say but can't bear to utter anything at all - as if all capability of speech were stolen from me - and I feel even more choked than I do now, on words I can't figure out how to say no matter how grand some of my proclamations may be.
Walking down the hall that had yet to be lit by dawn was difficult. I didn't want to face Sombra's temper. I didn't want anypony to be angry with me, but how was I to expect these complications to not be so?
I lack answers to my questions, and just decide to keep my head bowed, not even minding my own heavy steps. My mind keeps thinking about things I'd rather not consider. Like a bubbles, constant waves of what-ifs float by, taunting me only to pop and a new one to take the place of the broken worry.
He had shown signs, hadn't he? Signs that marked points of how he had thought about me, and all I would have had to do was connect the lines I could only see with hindsight. He was open with me, sometimes he bordered on teasing. He allowed me to help him and listened to me in return, offering his own help on multiple occasions in ways both big and small. He let me heal him, and that look he had given me...me, of all ponies. I think I knew what it was now, and it filled me with dread. He kept blushing when I showed any affection for him at all.
And what did I do to him in return? I trapped him on the deck of the ship, alone, for an entire night. If he slept at all, it would have to have been there. Why am I so cruel to him? How could he even think something about a pony like me who not only tried to kill him, but refused to speak with him? What would he do when he found out about the former?
I have tried to kill Sombra twice, I realize as my hoof grips the handle of the door that will lead me to confront Sombra, who no doubt was enraged and would demand answers I could not give. I still had to lower the moon, which would have to be done outside... or at least at a location where I could see the sky, like a balcony.
Sombra knows that I am here, I thought, there is no point in opening the door slowly. You cannot put this off any longer, it has already been hours and I have yet to see when he will forsake patience and succumb to his own emotions.
The door is flung open by my own hoof as soon as I remove all the spells I had placed upon both it and the Sky Scraper, and I hold it open with my magic to see what lies before me.
The Sky Scraper drifts along its course but the deck is masked with the shadows of clouds from the weather. I step out to survey the familiar surroundings and look to see how Sombra is. Clearly, he has not been using the navigation system as the enchanted mechanism sits untouched from last evening.
There is little to be seen in this weather. The deck is drenched with rain and the sky is darker than even Sombra's coat, and though it may be pouring, there is no thunder with the rain, nor are there any flashes of lightning that I might need to ward off to keep the ship intact.
The gloomy conditions of the rainstorm matched my mood exactly. I looked around and had to shield my eyes from the onslaught of cold rain in the warm autumn night as wind swirled around me.
It may have taken a while, but I saw the scorch marks that marked the deck under the blur of water. Signs of fire let loose in some kind of fit raked across different spots like claw marks. Once I saw them I couldn't look away until I heard a sound like thunder behind me.
The slamming of the door was so much louder than I thought it would have been in the rain, where clouds blocked out the darkness.
There I saw the marks on the handle - the same marks of fire - and though I knew not what he thought, it was clear that in all this turmoil Sombra was long gone and in a storm, no less.
I might never see him again, and it all felt like it was my fault.
I could barely differentiate the rain from my tears as I sank to my knees, crying with the sky itself in the hours before the dawn. Though, I may be high above all and bearing wings that could take me almost anywhere, I had never felt more grounded.