That'll Do, Pig
by Present Perfect
Nothing ever really changes.
"Hey, baconhead, how's kicks?"
One day blends into another.
"Sweet new jacket, bacon hair!"
Strangers...
"Yooo, it's Sunset, the Baconator! What is up?"
My friends...
"Hey, watch it, baconmane! I mean, head. I mean, uh, human, who is obviously a fellow human like me and not secretly a pony who traveled through a magical portal to another world for reasons she can't tell her marefriend because she might freak out and call the funny farm again good talk thanks bye!"
...Whatever that was.
Point is, I've noticed people are in something of a rut. It's a disease, an infection of uncreativeness, a cavalcade of groupthink. And this coming from a natural herd animal.
Whatever it is, it's spreading. And I can't say I'm pleased with it.
"Yo, does the carpet taste like bacon? Yow!"
Lewdness aside, I think I've had enough. The next person who says anything about bacon in my presence is going to get a--
"Hey, bacon, what's shakin'?"
Sigh. Sweet Celestia, Pinkie, I am sorry it had to be you, but this has to be said.
"Pinkie Pie, tell me something," I say through gritted teeth. "Have you ever seen bacon before that was red and yellow?"
She stands in place, obviously shocked by my tone, pondering the question or maybe just thinking about cupcakes. I don't know; Pinkie Pie is anything but an open book.
"Um... Maybe?"
"No, Pinkie. You haven't." I take a deep breath.
"Look, I don't even eat the stuff, but even I know that bacon is white and... brownish. When you cook it, the white stuff goes away, and then it's just brown. Maybe brown and slightly different brown. Not red and yellow!"
My voice is getting louder, I can't stop it. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, Pinkie. So help me, when this is over, I will buy you ice cream to make up for it.
"In fact, I'm pretty sure if your bacon is red and yellow, it's gone bad! You need to throw it out!" I throw my arms up. "If you want to compare my very vividly red and strikingly sunny yellow hair to a food product, how about, oh, I don't know, ketchup and mustard? Those are two foods, which are most definitely red and yellow, which go together."
"Um..."
I grab her by the shoulders and try to stare a hole through her head.
"Pinkie, I'm sick of it. Stop calling me bacon head, or bacon hair, or whatever else it is people decided was a funny thing to call me! I am not bacon! I am a hot dog!"
Pinkie appears shocked. I'm breathing heavily. And then I notice everything has gone quiet.
I glance to the side. I just had an outburst in the middle of CHS. During a class change. Literally everyone is right. Here.
And they just heard me call myself a hot dog.
"Yeah, hot dog!" shouts a boy somewhere in the back. Instantly, the whole school takes up the cheer, hooting and howling and pumping their fists in the air as they file to class.
By the time the bell rings, it's just me and Pinkie. I have more or less collapsed against her. I am so dead.
"Gee, Sunset," she says softly, "I never knew it bothered you so much. I'm sorry, I'll make sure to call you a hot dog from now on instead."
"Really, Pinkie. You're too kind." I have such great friends.
She makes a little pouty noise, and I look up at her.
"Now I'm just trying to figure out how I can say I like your bacon bits. I mean, the first thing that comes to mind is 'hot dog buns', but that's totally different, and I don't want to send the wrong message!"
Eye twitch. "Bacon bits?"
She pokes me in the chest.
"Your tiddies are totally rockin', Sunset!" She squeals. "Sometimes, I wish I was a little kitty-cat, so I could just curl up in them and sleep all day!"
Gee, is it hot in here or is it just me?
"My... tiddies?"
"Uh-huh!" Her head rattles as she nods vigorously. "Of course, now that I think of it, you've got great hot dog buns too!" She giggle-snorts and stage whispers, "I mean your buuuuutt!"
"Thanks, Pinkie." I am so glad everyone's already gone to class. I don't need more social damage on top of the mental damage I already need to unpack.
"Well, I should probably get going. I think I'm late for class already! Bye, Sunset, good talk!"
"Yeah..." I wave weakly after her. "Good talk..."