//------------------------------//
// I met a stallion. She was a mare. Her name was Rig. Oh, and Shining was there too 
// Story: The Elements... And Me 
// by Doood 
//------------------------------//


Chapter 10:




Tumble, tumble, tumble, maybe a Wilhelm scream put in there for added effect, cue my ass hurting like a mother humper, then of course the grunts and groans of what I assumed to be an old guy. Oh, and Dash somehow got into the fray. Which was a high quality , double-yew-tea-eff!?, moment. 


I didn't even make a sound as I went head over heels and into the crowd. Pretty sure I just made a singular face that showed nothing but pure disappointment. Like, how in the hell did I even get in air in the first place? Gravity? Maybe an untied shoelace, tripping, tripping literally (what, did you think I'd spoil the chance at shrooms?) My personal favorite was the thought of a space monkey using his space monkey powers to monkey my way into a mess.


What? I can dream can't I?


Sigh. No… Most likely, and from what I've been informed by, is that I wasn't looking where I had been going. Then again, when have I ever tried to? 


The end result was a mass orgy of, “Oh my goodness’s!!” And I shit you not, I even saw some mares faint because of me hitting Dash and having her go down with me. This confused me quite a tad, because why would someone faint, from me almost breaking my neck? Legitimately, everyone trips every now and then, and even then, I don't see some weird person hold a hand to forehead and swoon over the poor soul falling.


It's stupid.


Regardless, have you ever had that cringey moment of watching an anime, and somehow by god's grace, that lucky bastard of a protagonist gets to panty sniff? Oh, he's smooth as hell with it, tripping on air like it were a fucking oddity on life, and makes a beeline for that specific area.


Never. Fails.


Right. Where am I going with this. 


So, I landed. Hard. Might've caused a little tremor for one of the couples across the pavement as they Brittishly sipped on tea cups, like sirs, and as I landed, I sort of bounced. Not even kidding you. You know you've fucked up when you bounce off the ground and continue for a little and then stop. Humans don't bounce. Its not in our nature to even try. 


So again, I bounced, I collected a few things, and had somehow in the mix, twisted around whilst orienting myself, so that when my ears and face stopped ringing, I could very much so see the cyan ass of Rainbow Dash herself with the addition of everything else.


Now, If it were in another dimension, time, place, replace this with an actual female, and not a pony/horse hybrid, just maybe; maybe. I wouldn't be feeling so goddamn salty about this. 


Becaus I never had a fucking moment like this on Earth. Noooooo, had to have an awkward situation such as this. Wasn't successful in attempts back home, but by someone's evil will, I have to be acquitted to torment being that of a faceful of horse fanny (Trying hardest to dampen cursing).


Peachy.


“Dash, OFF. NOW.” Three words was all it took for the Rainbow mare to sense the equation at hand. And as she hopped off my face, to my horror, it seemed she all but had a blush creep onto her blue muzzle,


“Celestia… TICK?!”


I looked at her in mock bewilderment, my sarcasm getting the upper hand in this horrid situation, “Would you have rather it been Celestia? Man... Didn't know you swung that way Dashie. Then again, can't blame you for that.” Quite. Celestia was… Majestic in a sense.


Get the wrong message and I will assault your mind with subliminal messages. 


“No- I- GAH! You're so weird!” She got out between reddened breaths making me, the weirdo, laugh maniacally,


“Heheh, glad to see you're back to your bitchy self.” And I was rather, or somewhat happy to see that she wasn't sulking. It was quite awkward to see her those few times after she hopped out of the hospice and she completely ignored my existence.


“Well… Thanks. I guess. I can't be, as you put it, ‘Bitchy’, when I'm here.” She shook her mane, “I have a rep to uphold.” Le gasp! Cussword?! I think not!


But yeah, reputation of that being an ass. No, wait, take that back, my uncle's ass, “Oh?” I said while trying to help that old fart I ran into up, “And what reputation would you even have here?”


Dash smirked, “Well there's the Wonderbolts.”


Ah yes. The, Wonderbolts. I suppose in our terms, it would be that overpowered group of fighter jets. But here, for some odd reason, they were a group of ponies, Pegasus, ponies. And truly, I was rather interested now for the insurmountable amounts of time Dash put into regaling about them. Probably for the reason that I was indoubtly intrigued by Pegasi themselves.


Again, not in that way. All I have to say, is Greek. Mythology. Look up pegasus’s in there and tell me that that shit isn't cool. Really, the only thing I’d looked up to, were the Power Rangers and there was a time I sought to be just like Johnny Bravo. But for all of you who remember that show, definitely remember how he turned out. 


Can't you see me being like him though? A failure in life? Ah… Tis such a sorrow...


Right. Getting off track. 


So, while I was thinking about that above thought, Shining had come over, clutching his tum-tum with a shaky hoof, gasping slowly with heaving breaths. As I flatbrowed, I realized that he'd been laughing his metaphorical plot off the entire time, showing me that he was like me. He laughed first then asked,


“*snort*, Tick, you okay?” 


With a smile, I pushed the old guy away, nodding with a killing intent put out on the white furred willinger, who thought that my pain was comedical. I know I deserved it, had it coming ever since I plucked a cigarette in Twilights face (Which confused and scared the hell out of her). And now, Karma was coming to bite me in my tush.


Darn you karmeh. It was yeeewwww… Eh… I'll let it slide… I'd be laughing at Shining if he grinded the ground for as long as I did,


“For the moment. Just a wee bit surprised I crunked my way into Dash here.” I commented idly, gesturing to the mare of the hour.


Shining tried his best, he really did. But that's the funny thing about laughter. Its a drug. Once you start, you can't stop that easily,


“I'm sorry!” He let out another whoop, “Its just… Your… Face!” 


Sigh… sigh times two. I'm thinking about a third time, but Dash beat me to it, “He has a point. I thought you were ugly before.”


I spat out an orange hair, “Yeah, landed in your asshole and was like, twice as ugly. I get it. Can we move along? Hate to keep your reputation at an all time low.” Yeah. So my face was actually a complete crapstorm. Looked like I had gotten in a fight with the ground and the ground won. OH WAIT.


Score one for me, (mystical fest permp)


“Okay, okay… man, you have a good one Rainbow!” Said the ever courteous Shining, sporting her a wave and a quick gallop to my now smoking form. Gotta just… Wipe this crud off my face.


And this is the guy in charge of the, ‘Unicorn Death Squadron’. Okay, maybe not, death, per say. Was more of, Unicorn Squadron, like something off of Star Wars. SERIOUSLY THOUGH! If something were to be created like a, U.D.C (Unicorn Death Squadron) it’d be, aucking fwesome! Shining Armour, and his Death Squad, sent out by Celestia to rid the land of the most horrible monstrosities.


Ah yes… I can see the fanfiction stories about it now…Quite frankly, he told me about his job with Celestia earlier, and I just wasn't paying attention. He was though, a very prestigious dude, and that spoke volumes in how he acted… Nonchalant I would say. 


Bah, who am I kidding. I payed attention. Don't worry, I'll fill you in for what I had an ear full with. 


So, firstly, he is a Captain. And as a playing roll as Captain, Shining does Captain’y’ shtuff. Which involes a lot of Captain training, Captain stress, Captain exertion, Captain yelling, Captain sleepless nights, and of course, the pointless endeavor of protecting gods.


Quite frankly, I don't see a point in Royal Guards, if the Royal Guards, guard royals who can turn their royal enemies into like, royal boiled puddles or guarded frozen rocks. Respectively of course. Then again, those stallions look tougher than those UK, Queen of England guards. And it isn't just because of their Roman like armor. (Which throws me in a loop because that's what Romans did back in the day. Wore Mohawked Helmets. Cue history squee~) I would think its because they don't say much. But when they do, the Sh- to the -it goes down.


Probably would piss a few minds off if I said that aloud back home… Damn it mouth.


So yeah, like I was saying, we (We, meaning me and Shining) received looks by all as we made our way from Dash (When have I not received looks though), Shining being the one to sigh in contempt, “So I'm guessing you and Rainbow Dash have a little history?”


History? Pfft, Jesus. Just from one glance he was able to comment on how much I… Dislike, Dash. Guess its rather obvious then. So no use in hiding it.


“Yep. Been here almost a week, and I've made a few enemies. That, and the other way around…” I mumbled afterwards, taking a rather large portion out of my menthol, “But yeah. Considering the crap that's happened within these few days, I suppose I do have, as you it it; History, with Dashie.”


Shining chuckled, “Well, don't get me wrong, I don't think we dislikes you. She constitutes several of her interactions by like… Insulting you.” He nudged me in my ribs, “Clearly has a thing for you.”


Now hold on one flipping fish sandwich. If he is implying, that that Rainbow mare is even a teensy bit liking, me, there will be a reckoning upon someone's face that they shan't forget… I can't even see that happening. Its like a fly falling in love with a frog, a frog in love with a bird, a bird in love with… whatever eats a bird-


Point is, it doesn't work. When someone dislikes me, I make sure that they stay that way until further notice. Which my job is 24/7. Which also means that they don't like me… ever. Forever alone.


“Yeah, Shining, keep it to yourself man. You ain't Cupid, so stop firing blind love arrows everywhere.” I said with a frown.


Pssh. No retorts to that. Except…


“So what did you do?” Said the only other guy I was with.


“As in… to be put in jail, or like… what I did to get in trouble?” I questioned verbally.


Shining chuckled, “I'm talking about job wise. Before you came here? Yknow, someponies make a living off of shop vending, someponies join the Royal Guard.” He grinned and made a gesture, “Stuff like that.”


“Ooooohhh.” I commented with a heave, “Eh. I worked as a life insurance agent.”


Shining scrunched his nose, “Life Insurance? Agent?”


Eh meh gad… “Yeah. I uh… Well I was the guy you'd speak to when things went south in maternal matters. Made sure you had bank when someone dies in the family, to be blunt.”


Shining and I directed our course as we encountered a obscenely beautiful water fountain… It was quite the sight if I do say so myself,


“Sounds like a stressful job.”


I nodded, “Oh yeah. Everyday there was a new sob story for me to listen to.” I inhaled deeply, about shuffling my damn lungs into my neck as I did so, but I got the rest of my cigarette down, “They'd say something in the lines of, ‘Oh, my husband died! He had life insurance…’, and demand that they be, insured right then and there. Then there was the, It's my money, and I need it now!, Moments that just sent me into a fit of giggles.”


“You didn't take it seriously?”


I blinked, “Would you? I mean, most of the time, it's just picking up a phone and saying that the person is insured. But there are times where people will walk in and demand shots like they own the place.”


Meanwhile I sit in my cubicle with a typical fuck you attitude, wonder why you even exist, and send you on your way. Hilarious as they go, all complaining and crap, I just don't have time to listen to them bicker at me.


“Well that's the last thing I'd think you would work at.” Shining murmued


Oh? “What'd you think I did? You never even knew I existed, until today that is.” I said murmuring complaints.


Shining huffed, “With your attitude, I thought you'd make a good guard. Or hey, maybe even an ambassador. You never know.”


I mulled it over, “I'd eventually want to start a war if I had to deal with you ponies for more than a angst-like period. You're all like… Frutti Tutti gum. Good at first, then shit afterwards.”


“Eesh. To be compared to that is pretty harsh.” Shining chuckled, “Well regardless, mind if I ask another question?”


Jesus, this guy was like Twilight all over again, never shuts up with the yakkity yak, “Would you mind if I answer?” I responded callously.


Shining went in stride, “Well, here, we have certain… Well… Certain ponies who can do certain things.”


I said idly, “That's a lot of certains.”


“Certainly. My main concern, is if where you came from, by any chance, did you have magic?”


Honestly? I would like to think we do. Legitimately, we probably don't. There are things that we do to a degree that look like magic. But even there, all we do is trick your mind into thinking that we had done something impossible.


So for the answer, I started with a rub of my chinny-chin-chin, “Well, we don't shoot lightning bolts outta our heads. And we definitely don't go from here, to there in a matter of sparkles and stuff.” I emphasized with pointing to where I was, ending it with pointing somewhere off in the distance.


Shining had been courteous enough to stop walking and just stand to listen as I berated him with harsh facts about how we (as unfortunate beings) don't have magickz,


“I mean if we could, I sure as hell would've used this time of goofing off to definitely find a spell to take me back home, but.” I sighed, hopelessly throwing my shoulders, “Celestia has said that there is no living tome that can do such a thing.”


“So yeah. We don't have the leniency of a bone sticking out of our head. If we did, we'd be fat, lazy and rather rieghtous about everything.” Seriously. I’m getting goosetickles just thinking about it. 


Just imagine… the couch potato, wielding the couch and eating the potato… 


“Wow, that kinda… Sucks.” 


I nodded, “Uh-huh. I'm just ordinary. Like the earth ponies,”


Except the earth ponies have magic that help them grow plants and crap. Learned that from Celestia a few days ago. I also learned that pegasi are very ticklish around the wing area. Got that from Luna, and I am planning on using it upon Dash… Only… When things get serious…


Probably will never happen though. People (and ponies) often forget the power of tickles.



O.o.O.o.O





So I'm going to give you a fair warning, and say in complete honesty, that the walk to the musical shop, was uneventful. Ran into Dash, yes, but then after that, nothing really popped out at us, screaming for a writer to produce. Although there was a guy who looked way too happy for himself that was right next to me… oh wait, that's just fucking Shining.


ANYWAYS!


Said Music shop was what we were looking for, and a freaking music shop we found! GLORIOUS BEGOTTEN TO THE SOD WHO BUILT IT! And forsooth be my heart, stilled by the sheer peccable possibility of it being smack dab in the middle of this city. Damnable as my feet had been for like, half the trip, I do believe they had gained a more spruce step upon glancing at the half note sign that told us of the non-threatening gesture to enter.


And yes, enter we did. 


I was excited really, but then again, I had a reason to be. See, my faith, and really solitude, had been placed into a certain… Art. And art, can have different meanings dependent on different people. Like for example, when I said art, and am still saying it now, I bet your first thought was The, drawn, art.


Now, if you are having a doubt of like, ‘No, I didn't think that. You're talking about music. Why the hell would I think about art?’. Well really, I just wanted to mindfuck you. Apparently it didn't work. Kudos Tick. Kudos…


Regardless, if it was one thing I was able to turn to, it was the musical arts. Lest it be bluegrass, I would listen to it. There were a few exceptions for the more obvious genres, but le musica was always there on a bad day, and it had always been something I was allowed to turn to.


I'm hinting on was because was is past tense, and because it is past tense, and all of my problem relievers were on my phone, and because my phone has now up and died, I have nothing to turn to. Other than smoking. Which I need to give up.


You can hash tag that to rage. 


“Wow… I honestly didn't know that ponies could even… Play. Really,” I said as I pushed open the doors and commented within seeing the multitude of string instruments, “I could see y'all playing the clarinets and crap… But strings?”


Yeah. I was at that time, having an aneurism trying to figure out how someone without fingers could even play. Oh but you wouldn't believe what Shining said. The guy even had a smirk as he answered smugly,


“It's Magic, Tick.” 


I'm gunna kill him eventually. Either it be by kindness, or my hands wrapped around his muscular fucking-


“Gentlecolts!” Alarmed a voice from the counter, “How can I be of service of you today?” It was a stallion from the hearing of it, but when I turned to raise a brow and come towards a sarcastic remark, I saw that it was a mare. And a large one at that.


She towered just above Shiining, and looked hella scary up close. Maybe it was her dull grey mane contested well enough with her icy blue eyes? Or it could've been the deep blue in her coat… Regardless, she made a move to do something with her hoof, and I shat myself voluntarily, diving behind Shining as I did so, “SHINING PROTECT ME.” 


Both looked confused as I popped out of Shining’s flank, eyes wide, and finger pointing in the mares general direction, “Be careful Shining… Directors would die for a chance to hear that voice…”


Shining kicked me with his hind leg, trying to soothe me from his backside, “Tick, cmon… Stop. We're,” he sighed in hopelessness, “In public man…”


“Is she gone?”


The mare responded in a deadpan, “I work here.”


CURSES!!


Shining then tried, (and failed horribly) to pick me up via the use of magic, “Get… Out here!”


I walked myself forward with a sigh, “Oh fine! Great Caspian, throw me to the actor who plays Thor why don't you.”


Well maybe not Thor… I would say Batman, but I'm currently out of ideas for anybody I've seen with a deep ass voice. There's that one dude off of Sin City, but not as deep as I'm expecting…


I pissed her off, (Mission Accomplished), as per I heard her sigh, “Thanks. I really needed that today guys. Real mature.”


I wheeled around my face priceless, pointing in expectance, “Oh my god, say. ‘Where is she’, as deep as you can go.”


Imagine my excitement when she went even lower than Batman, (FOK, YES!!!), “Where is she. There. Can I go back behind the counter now?”


I put a finger to my lips, “Hm… Ooh! ‘This is Sparta!’, Do that and I'll leave you alone.”


Shining then plotted in with his big plot… “Tick, come on. Leave the poor mare alone.”


“Poor mare? Dude, she looks like she can kick your ass tenfold. Wouldn't exactly call her a, poor mare.”


Poor mare snorted, “Hmf, well you two are just about close to that. But I wouldn't dare lay hoof on 
him.”


I wheeled around and gasped, “What? Are you two a thing?!”


Poor mare chuckled, (Which sounded like that Dragon off of Lord of the Rings), “No. As such as it would humour my Captain, harming Shining Armour,” She smirked, “Just a few weeks before his wedding would seriously piss a few ponies off.”


I threw my hands up, “Sweet Unicyled Unicorn!” THEY'RE FINALLY GETTING MARRIED, IN AGRABAH!!~ 


Shining raised a brow, “What regiment are you? If you don't mind me asking of course.”


Poor mare wiped the counter with her basketball sized hoof, inciting me to slowly back away into the instruments, “I'm under watch right now, but I believe you met Sugar Heart, yes?”


I watched as Shining and Poor mare engage in a conversation that didn't involve me, “Oh quite. She and I most dearly detest one another. She is your Captain?”


Poor mare tipped her head, “Yes sir, Name is Frigid Hoof. Most just call me Rig for short.”


Shinings eyes lit with recognition, “The newest recruit! I've heard of your endeavors, very nice job on that sandworm near Appleloosa!” He said with a smile.


Rig nodded, “Which was my last… Mission I suppose. Haven't been out in a long while ever since I destroyed half of that town.”


Heh. Funny. “Oh yeah… Celestia… I had completely forgotten about that. Are you… Well will you be…”


Rig finished for Shining, “Returning to duty? Okay? Pfft, most definitely. I'm just working the bits off to pay back that town I obliterated.”


I decided to pop in the conversation, “Because you saved it, you also have to pay for it?”


Rig shrugged, “I goofed up. Made a few craters, almost killed myself…” She chuckled, “Made a blacksmith turn into a red one, and kinda made the rest of the sandworms about kill Appleloosa in a fit of rage.”


I sucked in through my teeth, “Yep. Sounds pretty bad.”


Rig held her hooves out, “Oh, but I'm almost done with the payment. So that's a plus.”


All the while she talked, I imagined I was speaking to the almighty Batman, (hail hydra). And we sorta went off topic really, engaging in several Necessity's unfit for that of text form. COUGH. COUGH. DRUGS. COUGH.


I left the conversation once Rig and Shining went on about rank. I really didn't need to reiterate on how much the military or hell, Guard scared the hell out of me. It was just a thought I came up with in 9th grade when I got in ROTC. Never looked back after I flicked my drill instructor off.


I could also never look back at my back.


So I looked forward, and in front of me, were yet again, those rows of music and stringed instruments. And with careful hands, I picked up the closest guitar, cradling the wooden acoustic with awe.


It was a deep crimson wood, could be named something like, ‘blood oak’ for all I know. The strings were laced in an order dealt by a steady… Hoof I guess. They were spaced gently apart, and strung about by the pegs on the end.


Was I going to just stare at it? Maybe just a little bit more. Was I going to play it? Hella.


There wasn't a sign that said I couldn't, nor did Rig state that this shop was a no touch zone. So I wrapped my arm across the larger portion of the instrument and strummed gently on that simple tuning chord all guitarists despise.


I guess I was in luck, for it showed no signs of being out of tune. Now… To play a simple song… Ooooh! Maybe I could play the Gravity Falls theme, or maybe… GASP!! When September Ends!

 
Fuck yes. Let's go.


So play I did. And my fingers went as smoothly as butter on toast, plucking away at the strings as if they were balls of cotton candy. It came and went, the song, and as it ended, so did my passion for playing. Begrudgingly, I realize sometimes that I lose my lack of focus while doing things.


Like for a perfect example, my hobby. Which was, you guessed it, playing guitar.


I'll play for a bit, get bored, roll around my bedroom, fix some food up and go to sleep. All in that order, respectively of course.


I set the guitar down and put my hands on my hips, I miss my guitar. Had to sell it a few months back because of rent. And… Well, you know how rent is. Higher than blood cholesterol. It was a hobby, yes, I loved to play, but because of life, I had to be rid of it.


Sad? No. Its just on a waiting line, verging onto sad. 


Oh but Shining and Rig souped it up. They were clopping their hooves together with first place ribbon smiles. So I smirked, and did some bows here and there. 


Now, Shining and I came into the music store because of the idea to just, browse the selection, and get out of the castle. We didn't plan on staying long, so right about the time I finished playing, Shining admitted boredom and claimed we were to leave. Rig happily watched us go, and so he and I left.


It was unbecoming of us to leave in a small amount of time, but it was a small shop, there were ponies popping in there and actually buying stuff, and we were there just because. There was that, and the fact of the evening approaching rather quickly.


Thankfully, we were making good progress and had made it to that spot where I had collided with Dash. No the crater wasn't there, so don't ask. It was still crowded as when we had left it, and surprisingly enough, I had somehow lost Shining in the fray.


Don't know how, don't know why, but I lost a five foot pony with a magical horn on his head. Congradulation yew now fucked up. 


So I popped a menthol and sighed, looking around as Ponies went to and fro from their daily lives. There was a few moments as to where I thought I had found him, but it was just a look alike, and a disappointment on my part.


I scanned the edges next, and I think I found him after looking for about a minute. White fur, similar hair color… And a horn to match to a ‘T’! Commence stalker mode…


I waded through the crowd, either moving the ponies physically or by the amount of minty clouds I was exhaling, reaching where I had seen him last in moments time.


He was right here, near a little food shop. But then he turned left… So that would mean… I turned my head left to catch a glimpse of white disappearing into a store alleyway. It was one of those alleyways that had every dumpster in it too. It was also one of those alleys that sent goosetickles up your spine in hopes of not getting stabbed, mugged and dying. Doesn't matter which order those are in.


Guess what I did though. Oh stop it you~, cmon guess.


I followed the damn unicorn into a beatnik alley. That's what I did. And what happened afterward, which involved surprise, horror, appalation, and quite the amount of brain bleach, you can guess why I sometimes find Equestria to be weird.


No, not just weird. Fascinating. And not even that, Equestria is just… Magical.



O.o.O.o.O