Halo man in Equestria: Humping is Magic

by Good Christian Ethesto


A total eclipse of the heart

Alright, today was going good so far. I successfully slept...

Now what?

That question was soon answered by a knock on the door to my room. Now I go answer it, that's what. I walked over to the door and turned the doorknob... Wait, why do ponies even have doorknobs if they don't have hands? I thought back to yesterday where I saw the ponies easily gripping things such as cups with nothing but their hoof-like appendages. Perhaps they have magnets in there or something. No matter, I can think about that later. For now, I had a door to open!

So I pulled the door open to reveal none other than a pony. It was Twilight Sparkle to be exact.

"Oh hey." I gave an awkward wave.

"Hello Halo man, I came to invite you to breakfast. The princesses would be happy if you joined us."

Even after I said I would help them they are still sucking up to me. Perhaps they are scared that I'll change my mind about helping them and go on a rampage through the castle. Team killing is hilarious! But no, killing all the ponies would just be a dick move. Besides, they're fluffy wuffy adorable, I don't think I have it in me to kill them. Then again, I punch coy fish to death in reflection and those are pretty cute. Alas, I'll decide whether or not I want to betray the ponies after breakfast.

"Alright, where is the kitchen?"

"I'll show you. This castle can be pretty confusing if you don't know your way around. I'd hate for you to get lost." She turned and started walking and made a gesture for me to follow.

I'm sure that the main reason she was showing me wasn't so I wouldn't get lost, but so there was someone to keep an eye on me. Whatever, I'm sure they're just paranoid that there's a big alien thing with weapons walking around in their castle. So I began to follow her down the hall. After a few moments she started talking again.

"So... You said that thing on your back is a weapon? How is that thing possibly a weapon?"

She doesn't seem to understand that I can use literally anything to beat people to death. I could use a small stick as an effective weapon. But I think she wants a better explanation than 'I can hit people with it' because it would be much more affective to use a club or something sharp. "This is a DMR, or a dick merging rifle. Or wait, that's not the right acronym at all... Either way, it's a gun. That means it uses tiny explosions to fire out pieces of metal at hundreds of miles an hour."

She looked at it in disbelief for a few seconds before accepting that maybe I was telling the truth. "So it's magic?"

Wait a second, is it magic? No, human weapons aren't magic. And halo weapons are the same as human weapons. I think they use some type of witchcraft called 'science' to make them. I shook my head. "No, it's not magic. It's science!"

"If it's not magic, then how does that thing possibly make tiny explosions?"

"Hey, don't ask me. I just use it, I didn't make it. I'm a halo, not a scientist. I can give you a demonstration if you want."

She thought about it for a few seconds before deciding that that was a bad idea. "Perhaps later, I don't think you should start using your weapons in the castle."

We continued to walk for a while in silence. This building was pretty large, I'm actually thankful that I had a guide at this point. Then Twilight started to get that curious look on her face again. For some reason ponies have really expressive faces. Halos don't make any facial expressions because of the helmets, so it's kinda' strange to see. "So what are those ball things on your suit for?"

I blushed when she asked about my balls and briefly wondered if I forgot to zip up my fly. Then I remembered that the suit doesn't have a fly, or does it? That would make going to the bathroom much easier. I can worry about that later, first I need to figure out what she was asking about. I looked down at myself and sure enough there were three balls strapped to my belt. It looked like two frag grenades and one sticky grenade, I completely forgot I had those.

It's weird though, I didn't even know the grenades went on my belt. Usually I just pick them up and they disappear somewhere inside my body, then when I make a throwing gesture they appear in my hand. Like with all my other questions, I can worry about how that works later. I simply picked up two grenades, one frag and one sticky, and held them in either hand for Twilight to see. The frag grenade is just your stereotypical grenade, while the sticky grenade is a blue ball about the size of my hand. There you go, I described things for the first time this story.

"These things explode. Want to see?" Now that I think about it, I must have sounded like some kind of suicide bomber at that point.

She took a step back and shook her head. "No no. That's fine, I'll take your work for it."

I just shrugged and put the grenades back on my belt. "Fine, more explosions for me."

We continued walking for another minute or so before we came to some big doors. "Alright, we're here." She said as she pushed the doors open revealing a large dining hall. I walked in and immediately noticed the other ponies from yesterday sitting around one long table. They all waved to us as we entered so I decided that they probably wanted me to sit with them.

I walked over to the table and noticed that one of the chairs was slightly bigger than the others. Clearly they had thought that would be more comfortable for me. I wasn't about to complain about having a more comfortable chair, so I took a seat.

Celestia was the first to speak after I sat down. "Hello Halo man, did you sleep well?"

I slept so well, she doesn't even know. "I did."

"Woo let's get some food!" Yelled Pinkie Pie in her normal excited voice.

"I'll say, ah'm starving!" Agreed Applejack.

Less than ten seconds later a bunch of servant ponies came out carrying trays stacked with food in their teeth. They set them on the table and I gazed out at the huge amount of food. I honestly can't remember ever eating anything, I think there may be something wrong with me... Of course I knew what all of the food was, so I know it was edible. But how was I possibly going to eat?

The ponies seemed to be thinking the same thing because they were all watching to see what I would do. Perhaps it would be like when I drank something yesterday, maybe I can just kinda' push the food into my visor. I decided to experiment.

I reached out and picked up some kind of pastry thing that looked like a donut and tentatively brought it up level to my head. Ok, this was the moment of truth. I took a deep breath and then shoved the pastry into my visor. Sure enough, I just kinda' absorbed it into my face. It felt really weird, like my face was all tingly, but it worked. The pastry actually tasted pretty good too. It's weird that I can taste things by shoving them into my face...

The other ponies seemed to think it was really weird that I had literally just shoved a pastry into my head and stared at me with their mouths hanging open slightly. They kinda' resemble fish when they do that face. I couldn't help but think about the coy fish again, I really want to punch a fish right now for some reason. Unfortunately, none of the food on the table was fish. It looked like everything was either vegetables, fruit, or pastries. I wonder if ponies eat meat.

After a few moments I decided to try to break the tension. "The foods pretty good."

That seemed to snap the ponies out of their stupor and they turned to the food in front of them that smelled so delicious. That was the first time I ever noticed that I could smell things. Then I saw the most horrifying thing I have ever seen, and I've fought in a war.

Pinkie Pie suddenly unhinged her jaw like some kind of snake and devoured an entire plate of food in one gulp. There was no remorse, no pity, she just ate it all. Thankfully none of the ponies could see the disturbed look under my helmet. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have nightmares (hehe girl ponies at night) about that for years.

All the ponies began eating in a more normal manner and they seemed to ignore Pinkie as she devoured pounds and pounds of food. Remind me no to never make that pony mad, she'll probably eat me... I decided to partake in some more food so I picked up a couple different kinds of fruit and absorbed them into my face. After that I felt like I couldn't eat anymore without getting sick so I stopped.

The ponies continued to eat for a few minutes before they looked like they were getting full. I'm pretty sure Pinkie ate at least fifty pounds of food by herself, but the others didn't seem to notice. Then they started another conversation, once again with me. I know I'm interesting, but all of their questions seem to be focused on me.

"So, how have you been liking the castle so far?" Celestia asked this one.

"It's pretty nice, and it's really big." The ponies nodded in contempt until one of them spoke up again. This time it was Fluttershy who talked.

"So.. Do you have any hobbies? I hope you don't mind me asking, I was just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to..." I ignored the pony's apparent lack of self confidence and thought about the question briefly. Do I have any hobbies? Pretty much all I do is run around killing people, I drive vehicles sometimes, but that's just so I can kill more people. I don't think killing people is really a hobby as much as a job. Then I realized that I sing a lot, perhaps that's a hobby.

"Well, I guess I like to sing." This seemed like an acceptable answer to the ponies and they all seemed to brighten up.

"Oh darling, you should sing us a song. I'd just absolutely love to hear a halo song!" Rarity stated and the others agreed with head nods.

Oh shit, they were going to make me sing a song now! I looked around quickly to see if I could find anything to change the subject with but all I saw was a small stage with a piano. Apparently they had entertainment sometimes while they ate.

"Come on! Pleeeeeeease!" Pinkie Pie was suddenly up in my face with big puppy dog eyes. "Sing us a song Halo man!"

Oh shit, how do I say no to a face like that?! Just the thought of saying no made my heart ache like some magical force was scraping it with a magical cheese grater. Unfortunately I couldn't look away, even if I tried. It was horrible. It looks like I would have to sing them a song now. "Fine." I said, thankfully she stopped with the eyes and realized that I had been holding my breathe.

Ok, now I HAD to sing a song or they would soul rape me with their eyes until I did. Well, most of the songs I know are metal, but I don't generally sing those. Perhaps I could sing 'never gonna' give you up', I know all the words to that. I decided that that isn't a very good song though, I normally just sing it to piss people off. Unfortunately it seemed like the only instrument there was a piano, so that severely limited the songs I could use.

Then I thought of one song that I know that uses almost entirely piano. Oh god, I don't even like this song. I learned the lyrics so I could piss my friend off this one time. Oh well, it looks like the only one I could do right now.

I got up from the table and walked up to the stage where I sat down on the piano stool. Thankfully, pony pianos are the same as human ones for some reason. Then I remembered that I've never even played a piano before. Oh well, how hard could it possibly be? Surprisingly, it was really easy, and I started playing the beginning of the song. Normally the song would be a duet, but I just sang both parts.

If you need to, just imagine master chief singing this.

Turnaround, every now and then I get a
little bit lonely and you're never coming around
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears

Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes

Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and
then I fall apart

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only hold me tight
We'll be holding on forever
And we'll only be making it right
Cause we'll never be wrong together
We can take it to the end of the line
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart

I stopped there instead of just repeating all of that again. That's pretty much how the song goes. I looked up from the piano and noticed that quite a few other ponies had gathered around while I sang. It looked like all the nearby guards and kitchen staff wanted a piece of my sexy singing voice.

I was kinda' embarrassed that so many ponies had been watching me sing until I noticed that almost all of them were crying. Even some of the guards were shedding manly tears.

"That was beautiful Halo man!" Said Rarity as a tear rolled down her face.

Apparently the ponies liked my singing. It's funny because I'm not even that good at singing, I usually just do it as a joke. Oh well, I'm not gonna' complain about it. Maybe I'm magically good at singing suddenly.