Adventures in the Psychology of Sexuality (with Ponies)

by Kodiologist


Contamination (Applejack)

Every Sunday at six o'clock, Applejack set up a stall in the Ponyville market arrayed with produce, cheese, pastries, and lots of other good things to eat. With each thing that she sold, she added a tally mark to a list, so that after she closed shop around two, she could see which items were selling briskly and which weren't selling at all.

"It's funny how much the list changes from one week to the next, sometimes." said Applejack that night at the family dinner table. "Last week, cherry pies were hot and the apple pies just sat there. Today, I was wiped out of apple pies by ten, but only two cherry pies sold."

"Maybe everypony who got an apple pie last time wanted somethin' different." said Apple Bloom. "Or maybe they think the apples are better now that we're more into fall. Or… maybe they're goin' in, uh, backwards alphabetical order?"

"I'm sure it's just chance." said Granny Smith. "Don't read too much into these li'l things, half-pint. Besides, ponies don't look closely at things, and they always think that apples are all we grow. They probably think they're all apple pies."

"Eeyup." said Big Mac ruefully.

"If they really can't tell the difference," said Applejack, "shouldn't they buy the same amount of each, 'proximately?" She looked at the two lists, frowning. "No way to tell the difference means no way to choose. If the pies look the same, the only difference at all to 'em is what stack they're in on the table. D'ya think where the pies are on the table could change what the ponies buy?"

Granny Smith laughed. "I've heard of stranger things. Time was, I could sell more pies to young stallions if I gave 'em a wink."

AJ said "But how am I supposed to know whether it's the place on the table that made the difference, or if it's one o' those other things you thought of, Apple Bloom, like the season?"

"You could use, uh… random assignment!" said Apple Bloom.

AJ raised an eyebrow. "Is that some kind of fancy mathematics?"

"It ain't too fancy." said Apple Bloom. "Twilight was tellin' me about it just the other day when we were makin' potions. The idea is, if you want to know whether one thing causes another thing, you flip a coin to decide what to do with each case, then you look at what you get. So, you flip a coin to decide whether you put the cherry pies on the left or the right. Then after you do that for a few weeks, you can see what the left side does or the right side does all on its own without seasons or nothin'. That's what they call a 'true experiment'." She grinned.

Applejack had already learned to accept help from others and to think critically about tradition, and the logic seemed clear, so she tried it at once. She found that, sure enough, pies placed further to the right on the table of her stall sold substantially better, whether they were apple or cherry. She wasn't sure why, but she had no intention of looking a gift horse in the mouth. Quite the contrary; in the spirit of maximizing the bottom line, she used the experimental method to test lots of other things, too. Did she sell more if she greeted passers-by, or waited for them to approach? Did she make more money on an item if she marked it up or discounted it? Did she get more customers if she placed her stall by the other produce vendors, or at the other end of the market, near the flowers and crafts?

After many months of experiments, Applejack had substantially increased income from the market stall, between the many useful strategies she had identified. She set about looking for new ideas to test. When she asked Big Mac, he answered her with a coy grin.

"Aw, hay no." said Applejack. "That was only to make a point to Rarity, and I gave the dress back right afterwards. I ain't goin' out in broad daylight like that."

Big Mac waved a hoof off back towards Ponyville.

"Hmm…" said AJ, tapping her chin. "Yeah, we could try that."

Applejack was then accompanied in her market stall (on several randomly-assigned days) by Rarity, who laid the charm on thick for every potential customer. It seemed to work. Stallions were more likely to approach the stall, and were eager to please the pretty mare. Rarity had to rebuff a few customers who got the wrong idea, but she did it gently, and only once they'd paid for all the pies they were carrying.

"Thanks, Rares!" said Applejack. "I knew I'd find a way you could pay me back for that modelin' work."

"It was my pleasure." said Rarity. "By the way, have you seen Rainbow Dash about?"

"No. Come to think of it, I don't think I've seen her for a week… maybe I'd better check in."

One cloud-walking spell and balloon ride later, AJ was rapping on the door to Rainbow's palatial house. Only when she called out did a weak voice say "Come in", and she entered to find a sniffling, unkempt Rainbow tossing and turning in bed, her brilliant blue coat blemished by bare patches.

"Land sakes, Rainbow, you look awful!" said Applejack, taking off her hat and letting it hang from one hoof. "What happened?"

"I got sick." said Rainbow hoarsely.

"I can see that. What is it? You've seen Dr. Stable, ain't you?"

"Yeah. It's VD. I should've stuck to mares." She blew her nose. "Don't worry about me, AJ. He says it'll run it's course in another week. I'll be awesome again in no time." She smiled.

"Rainbow, that was careless. Couldn't you… he was a stallion, you said?"

"Yeah. I was still pissed about Blitz."

"Well, don't you have any condoms?" said Applejack, gesturing vaguely at the bathroom.

Rainbow Dash glared back at her. "Don't judge me! We were horny and tired, and it was late, and we didn't have any, and you know how the nearest place that's open late is over—"

"That makes no sense, putting yourself in danger 'cause you're impatient. You know better than that, don't you?"

"Yes!" Rainbow cried out, exasperated. "I made a mistake, okay? Sometimes, ponies make mistakes, Applejack! I got caught up in the moment and stuff happened! And—" Her next remark was interrupted by a fit of coughing.

Applejack's expression softened. "You're right, Rainbow. I'm sorry. You've probably been beating yourself up about this enough already."

"Bingo. It was real fun to tell him, too." She rolled over and sighed. "It's hard to make good decisions sometimes. There's always something distracting, trying to mess you up. It's like flying. You're out there trying to go in one direction and there are all these little air currents trying to push you in another and obstacles you have to fly around." She paused. "D'ya know what I mean?"

"To be honest," said Applejack, "I think I do."

Shortly thereafter, Applejack told Rarity she was no longer needed at the market stall, and ceased most of her experiments. She realized that more than she wanted ponies to buy her goods, she wanted them to make good decisions.