“Why don’t you just kill me?” Thunderhead groaned, his hooves covering his head.
“Because it’s better than you deserve,” Tranquil said menacingly, hovering above him like an angry wasp. In one hoof was the airhorn, the other hoof poised above it, ready to come down and bring all the tortures of Tartarus upon the hung-over stallion at any moment. “Did you know Flare’s parents came by earlier? Something about you waking him up in the dead of night?”
Thunderhead blinked, trying to recall what had happened the previous night. He clearly remembered arriving at Maxwell’s restaurant, then something about an upended mug of cider, the griffon’s triple-malt whiskey kept hidden for special occasions... After that, it was touch-and-go, bits and pieces slipping out of his grasp every time he tried to catch them. After about ten seconds of this, his eyes widened. “Oh crap.”
As the older stallion whinnied in pain and the airhorn sounded not three inches from his face, Post Haste made his way down the stairs, wincing at the loud noise. He made his way to the kitchen, but not before witnessing the very unethical treatment Rainbow’s father was suffering at the hooves of his wife. “You wouldn’t do anything like that to me, would you?” he asked Rainbow.
His fillyfriend looked up from her bowl, a few oats stuck to her muzzle. “I would, but you’d find a way to get me back. Then I’d do something to get back at you, then you’d do something...” She waved a hoof in the air. “Basically, it’d get to the point where we’ll end up destroying half of Ponyville. Not worth the trouble,” she said, returning to her breakfast.
Postie took a moment to think about that. She was right, he’d likely enlist the help of Pinkie Pie to get revenge. Then Rainbow Dash would do the same, and from there it was simply impossible to guess just how far things would escalate. He let out a short yelp when the shrill screech of the airhorn sounded for the third time that morning. “Damn that hurts,” he groaned.
“Yeah, Mom’s been kinda... harsh to Dad since that one time,” she said carefully.
“‘That one time’?” Postie asked as he sat, his curiosity piqued. “What happened?”
“All I know is that it happened when I was at flight camp. They won’t tell me what happened, but it must have been bad. When I got back Dad had a broken leg.” She swallowed her mouthful of oats. “Mom is a lot stronger than she looks.”
“Enough! Please!” they heard Thunderhead plead.
“Every!” There was the blast of the airhorn. “Damn!” And another. “Time!” And another. “What is wrong with you!?” This last question was punctuated with a ten-second long blast.
“I think Tranquil has a few issues,” Postie said carefully.
Rainbow simply shrugged as Tranquil walked in, holding the airhorn in her mouth. As she set it on the table, she turned to the younger stallion. “How are you doing, dear?” she asked sweetly.
“Fine, thanks,” he replied carefully, a little worried that she could be so pleasant after abusing Thunderhead so much.
“What do you want for breakfast?” she asked, ignoring her husband’s pained moaning.
“I’m not really hungry,” Postie said a little too fast.
“Don’t be silly, of course you’re hungry,” she said as she pulled a frying pan from the cupboard. As she began cooking, Thunderhead stumbled in with an expression that said that he was suffering from either a migraine, minor brain damage or some combination of both.
“Oh merciful heavens...” he moaned as he managed, barely, to get onto a seat. Then he slipped off and hit the ground with a loud thump. “Ow.”
“Get up,” Tranquil said harshly, not even sparing the stallion a glance. “You spent all night on the floor, you’re not doing the same this morning.”
Thunderhead pulled himself up with obvious effort. “It’d help if you hadn’t turned by brain into paste with that damn airhorn,” he growled as best as he could.
“I wouldn’t have to if you hadn’t gotten so drunk,” the mare shot back. “Still can’t believe you haven’t learnt by now.”
“You’ve been married to me for thirty years, you should know better,” he said, smirking. He winced and brought a hoof to his head. “Oh I need painkillers.”
“You’re lucky you don’t have weather duty today,” Rainbow commented.
“Thank Celestia for that,” he muttered. “Don’t even want to think of pushing around clouds with this hangover. It might kill me.”
“You’re not getting off that easy,” Tranquil replied, waving the spatula at him menacingly.
Thunderhead slowly forced his meal down. He didn’t have an appetite, but he knew better than to waste any food Tranquil made. After all, he didn’t want to give her a reason to bring out the airhorn again.
“Are you okay?” Tranquil asked, a cup of tea between her hooves.
“Not really,” he replied, looking up from his plate. “My head is still hurting.”
“No, I mean it looks like you’ve got something on your mind.” Tranquil took a sip of her tea. “Did somepony say something?”
“Rainbow and her coltfriend are gone, right?” Thunderhead asked, looking around.
“Yes, they left ten minutes ago.” She let out a big gasp. “Is he cheating on her?”
“What? No, he’d cut his own wings off before he did that, trust me.” He took another mouthful of toast. “No, he said... I’m not sure what he said, but it was strange.”
“Strange? How?”
“I can’t remember a word he said,” Thunderhead muttered. “All I can remember is being confused.”
“You were drunk,” Tranquil deadpanned. “Of course you were confused.”
“Wow,” Gilda exclaimed, staring across the table at what could only be described as the happy couple. She and Rainbow had agreed to meet up at Maxwell’s restaurant, it being the only real place that ponies and griffons could meet that was out of the way.
“What?” Rainbow asked, not liking the griffon’s tone.
“I didn’t think you were into stallions.”
Postie did his best to stifle a laugh as Rainbow glared at her old friend. “That happened once, and she started it.”
“I’m pretty sure I remember you kissing back,” Gilda taunted.
“I was drunk!” the pegasus retaliated. “I thought she was my coltfriend!” She realised what she said and quickly turned to Postie. “Er...”
“You were with another stallion years ago,” he said calmly, smiling slightly. “You think I really care that much?”
“You playing nice, Gilda?” Maxwell asked, looking over from behind the counter.
“Yes Uncle Max,” the hen replied in the tone of voice that only the perpetually bored could muster.
“He’s your uncle?” Rainbow asked, head tilted in confusion.
“Yeah. Guess I never told ya, huh?” She turned back to her uncle. “I’m gonna grab some cider!” she yelled.
“Don’t take the hard stuff, it’s not even eleven!” came the answer.
Gilda rolled her eyes. “I guess you don’t want any, huh?” she asked Postie as she stood up.
“Huh?”
“I heard you down here last night.” Comprehension dawned on the mailpony. “You were saying some weird things.”
As Gilda disappeared to get mugs for herself and Rainbow, the mare turned to the stallion, looking a little scared. “Did you...?”
The stallion, for his part, looked completely terrified. “I don’t know.”
Author’s Notes:
Everything after this is NEW. It was too short to warrant turning into its own chapter.
So, don't give me crap about it.
Gilda soon returned, two mugs of non-alcoholic cider and a mug of sarsaparilla in her claws. As she set them down, she turned to Post Haste. “Yeah, you were saying some really weird stuff. Stuff about the princesses, I think.”
“What kind of things?” the stallion asked, trying to keep his voice steady. Rainbow Dash watched from the sidelines, sipping from her mug, ready to jump in should things go south.
“I can’t remember, but I think you said something about... sleeping with one of them?”
Rainbow sent her mouthful of cider flying as Postie laughed like an idiot. “Oh, my head. Did... did I really say that!? Oh wow...” He trailed off, still giggling.
The griffon hen glared at the pegasus mare. “Gee, thanks, Rainbow, I really needed a shower,” she said sarcastically.
“You did not sleep with one of the princesses!” Rainbow yelled angrily, ignoring her friend.
“I was drunk, I was making things up!” Postie said, snorting with laughter. “I kissed Princess Luna, but - ”
“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait,” Gilda interrupted, holding a claw up. “You actually kissed one of them!?” The griffon leaned back, her expression one of shock and awe. “Brass balls doesn’t cut it.”
“Oh my,” Tranquil Sky said quietly, holding a hoof to her mouth. “Did he really...?”
“I think so,” Thunderhead replied, his voice just as subdued. “I might be wrong, but...”
“I thought he was a little odd, but this...” Tranquil shook her head wearily. “We have to ask him about this.”
“You know he’ll try and dodge it,” the stallion said. “He’s male, it’s only natural.”
Much to the pegasi’s relief, Post Haste had not said anything that might just give away his past. Instead, he had spun some tale about how he had managed to bed Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and two of their maids. At the same time. The tale was impressive, but Postie was unable to fully appreciate it after receiving a few hooves to the back of the head from Rainbow.
“You’d know I’d never do something like that!” he cried out after the fifth such assault, rubbing his now thoroughly-bruised skull.
“I still can’t believe you said all that!” Rainbow retorted angrily. Gilda simply sat and watched as her friend attacked the stallion, doing her best to stifle her laughs.
“I wasn’t the only one saying stupid things last night!” he said, throwing his hooves up in an attempt to defend himself from any more blows. “You should’ve heard the stuff Maxwell and your father were saying!”
“Oh, this’ll be good,” Gilda said from the sidelines.
“What did dad say?” Rainbow asked, preemptively facehoofing, preparing herself for humiliation.
“Uhh...” Postie took a moment to think back to the previous night. “Well, Thunderhead told me about the time he pranked one of his friends in university.” Before he could get any further, his fillyfriend raised a hoof.
“Wait, is the one where a pony’s wings got clipped?” she asked.
“Yeah, why?”
Rainbow let out a snicker. “Because that happened to him. He keeps telling other ponies that it was somepony else, but...”
There was a brief silence. “He’s not living that one down. Ever,” Postie said as his composure gave way to unrestrained laughter.
It was sometime after lunch that Post Haste returned to the house. Rainbow Dash was spending some more time with Gilda, meaning he had been left alone to do whatever he wanted. That happened to be napping, a bad habit he’d picked up from the amateur stunt flyer. Unfortunately, Tranquil Sky and Thunderhead had other plans.
“Hello,” the younger stallion said cheerfully as he walked towards the stairs.
“Postie!” Thunderhead called out from the living room. “Could you come in here for a moment? We need to talk.”
If the overly-formal manner of speaking wasn’t enough, those last four words were more than enough to make the mailpony freeze and start to panic. He took a deep breath before calling back out. “Why?” he asked, sounding a lot like he’d just been caught with his hoof in the cookie jar.
“Something you said last night,” the older stallion said, sending Postie even further into worry. “I just wanted to make something clear...”
“Yes?” he asked back, wishing that he was somewhere, anywhere that wasn’t there.
Thunderhead stepped from the living room, concern etched on his face. “What did you mean when you said that you wished you had a father like me?”
Author’s Notes:
Wow, nearly a whole month. This is what happens when I focus too much on one thing.
And I know this is short, more for me to get the ball rolling again.
And just what the HELL is this doing in the feature box?