Princess Point of View: Everypony is Egregiously, Incredibly Obtuse
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Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I’m amused by these three accounts you sent me, each of them telling a tall tale of a boat that somehow sailed, yet never left the dock. While each story contains details different from each other, there are some interesting similarities and unusual recollections of certain key facts in each story.
I didn’t expect your deductions to conclude a sea dragon was responsible for all of this, perhaps due to the fact that absolutely none of the story accounts mention anything about such a large creature they theoretically could have seen (yet they all somehow mentioned an inexplicable storm on an otherwise slightly overcast day). But if a few bubbles after a cucumber sandwich dropped into the ocean led you to such an unexpected-yet-accurate conclusion, who am I to judge the validity of this given it was true in the end, regardless of how utterly ridiculous it sounds?
But there IS blame to place in this incident. You did not actually “solve” it with your solution; you just changed the blaming question from “Who sunk the ship?” to “Who spilled the sandwiches?” And that action belongs to none other than Captain Appleblackbeard. It is verified in all of the accounts, even Pinkie’s seemingly contradictory account. It took a moment for me to realize that her “pointing” at the tray wasn’t actually pointing.
So there you have it. Whether on accident or on purpose (but seriously, it’s an accident--who tosses a good cucumber sandwich on purpose?), blame the captain of the vessel for the sea dragon surfacing. And while you’re at it, blame Rarity for bringing the sandwiches on such a gaudy tray. And blame Pinkie for placing her toys near the table, causing Applejack Sparrow to stumble and spill the food. Actually, blame all of them for contributing in some way to the accident, since all of them seem to want to play the victim here.
I may have run through their mental gymnastics to find the truth, but in the end, even that was a pointless endeavor compared to the larger problem they have. The fact that all of them played the blame game over such a petty squabble is one of the most disheartening things I’m shocked they did. All that game does is worsen things for everyone--the blame game has no ‘winner’.
At that point, it’s no longer about who did it--it’s about utterly failing to attempt reconciliation over the incident without you running as their investigator/mediator. They were completely willing to let their friendship severely sour, if not outright end over this. It’s downright foalish to think they’ve gone that far after all the years they’d spent together, but they had. Their stubbornness has outdone even Rainbow Dash, and that is something I truly couldn’t foresee.
Hopefully now they’ll come to better terms with how distorted their views can get, but I still have one question that none of the stories seemed to answer:
What were they doing after the boat capsized, but before their train to Ponyville arrived? I know their stories barely put them on the boat for less than ten minutes, especially since it never left the dock. That had to have left them with some time to kill in the town before they came back.
Maybe you should investigate that time period. I’m quite curious as to what they did that didn’t involve cleaning themselves up at all.
If you figure out what they did, do write back on that. Otherwise, give those three an extra bit of sass for saying they’ll “never fight again.” Don’t they know by now that the best of friends always have a few fights?
Best regards,
Princess Celestia
Luna, when are you going to show Sunny and Moony how to eat at a formal setting? They’ve been eating like pigs for months now!
What do you mean that’s my task? I said I was going to handle teaching those two the appropriate times to use the Royal Voice!
Excuuuse me, but that wasn’t your assignment! I should think I remember exactly how we discussed this yesterday!
I’m not shouting, you’re shouting! But if you want shouting, YOU’LL GET SHOUTING!