//------------------------------// // Farm-Raised Brawlers // Story: The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody) // by TundraStanza //------------------------------// Advisory: Please set "Formatting" to "Dark" before scrolling down. Thank you. A/N: The following contains brutal violence inflicted upon fictitious animals. Viewer discretion is advised. Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and Nintendo. --- The Moment No Pony was Waiting For Season 5 Iff'n it's all the same to y'all, I ain't gonna keep doin' this here ack-sent after this sentence. Get along now! Sometimes, you can't always hire soldiers that have gone through years of military training before throwing them onto the battlefield. Many times in history, it's the farmer that gets conscripted for skirmishes and even wars. And these two farmhands would fit right in with those conscripts if they had to. Applejack, proud owner of Sweet Apple Acres. And Mozu, the most adorable yet vicious villager from Fire Emblem Fates. He's W and I'm B. And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. ---Death Battle--- Applejack -Element of "Honesty" -Earth pony: strength and plant nurture -Faster than a stampede of cows -Usually level-headed and a practical thinker -Arsenal: A lasso, a folding chair ("Somepony to Watch Over Me"), one hat of many from a closet collection -Not very good at persuasion -Stubborn and prone to lying In the land of Equestria, a few different kinds of ponies hold levels of importance. Alicorns rule capital cities. Unicorns learn to shape the world around them. Pegasi control the weather through cloud tempering. Then you've got everyone's least favorite pony type: the Earth Ponies. Don't get me wrong: those tiny horses can kick butt. Still, it's kind of hard to stand out when almost everyone else you know has a horn or wings or both... or is Pinkie Pie. This simple body type of an earth pony seems to suit Applejack just fine. Of course, running a farm that mainly sells apples and apple products for a living wasn't always so appealing to her. You mean she wanted a PC? When she was younger, she tried living with her aunt and uncle, who just so happened to both be named Orange ("Cutie Mark Chronicles"). For a while, she was taught the ways of an upper class pony, the manners of polite society, and the spoken phonetics somewhat like Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady. Why are you talking about Dr. Doolittle? But then, a rainbow showed her the way back to Sweet Apple Acres. By the way, it was the same rainbow caused by Rainbow Dash's first legendary Sonic Rainboom. After Applejack returned home and reunited with her close family, she earned her- Butt mark! ... cutie mark. Well, getting a tattoo given by fate was great and all, but it didn't account for everything. Her ego was so great that she stubbornly conjured a web of lies that practically landed her whole family in the hospital. Long story short, no one actually got physically hurt. But it was still awkward for everyone involved ("Where the Apple Lies"). For reasons I can only guess at, Applejack would later be chosen as one of six "Spirits of Harmony", the Element of Honesty. Perhaps it has to do with how her heart is in the right place and she stays true to what she believes, rather than making her tell the truth as bluntly as possible all the time. It's a good thing that Element thing was so lenient, or else she'd never be able to keep her calm when trying to hide a surprise party from her friend. Oh, did we forget to mention that Applejack once successfully held back Pinkie Pie, the party pony equivalent of a TV-Y7 Deadpool? Somehow, her own strength of will overpowered Pinkie Pie's ability to break physics ("Party of One"). Speaking of strength, Applejack has plenty of that. A single kick from one of her back legs can send an apple flying so hard that it goes through a target ("Buckball Season") or send the weight for a carnival bell strength test out of the atmosphere ("Fall Weather Friends"). Additionally, she carries a level of precision that allows her strength to knock all of the apples from a tree into nearby buckets almost perfectly and avoid losing most of the tree's leaves. She can even stop a runaway carriage full of other ponies from rolling down a cliff, with just enough legroom to step to the side ("Mysterious Mare Do Well"). When she needs a little more than kicking strength, she pulls out her rope into a lasso to hog-tie a cow ("Applebuck Season") or a baby dragon ("Fall Weather Friends") into submission. Sometimes, she also weaponizes apples and pies, which are apparently tasty enough to distract a buffalo into calling a ceasefire ("Over a Barrel"). After roughly two years with her main group of friends, she has come to understand most of the gang's strengths and weaknesses. When a situation calls for a quick plan that Twilight doesn't have the prep time for, Applejack can step in and assign appropriate tasks to each of her friends with confidence in their abilities ("The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000" and "Swarm of the Century"). She has brains and brawn. What doesn't she have? Well, it isn't necessarily what she lacks. The thing that she has that could be considered a weakness is her pride. When her confidence gets shaken or she's at risk of losing something she feels is important to her family, she loses her emotional and mental stability. This makes it difficult for her to think straight and she could miss some otherwise obvious details that are staring her in the face. This mess of thoughts has led to the following embarrassments: forgetting that her opponent is a magical unicorn that could tie her up with her own rope ("Boast Busters"), trying to show a potential family member their best and ending up at the bottom of a waterfall ("Pinkie Apple Pie"), and that hospital fiasco I mentioned earlier ("Where the Apple Lies"). Not to mention, this inflexibility has led to her making parts of her life much more complicated than they needed to be ("Apple Family Reunion" and "Applejack's Day Off"). Still, I don't think lying is really going to factor into a fight to the flipping death. If she can kick balls and hay bales up to heights way above her own head, she's alright in my book. "Thank you kindly for your hospitality." ---Death Battle--- Mozu -Last survivor of her village -Strong enough to wrestle and kill bears -Starts off weak, but increases stats exponentially -Typically upgraded to "Merchant" or class-changed to something else -Allegedly carries a knife even when her other tools aren't available -Confidence is irregular -Needs lots of protection before she's experienced enough to handle herself in combat -Pole-arm weapons are weak to Axe and Club weapons In the Fire Emblem series, there are many tropes that have become staples to the game: The overpowered tag-along character that wins all of the tutorial battles for you, the obvious love interest for a main character, the white mage, the tsundere or person that acts like she doesn't care but totally does, and perma-death: Once a character is beaten in any campaign, they're gone for good. Then you've got the character that is timid and fragile when you first bump into them. But give them plenty of experience and look out! They practically become gods of the battlefield. Mozu lived most of her life as a farming villager. She cared for both crops and family in equal measures. But then tragedy struck in the form of chained and muscular monsters (the Faceless). Her mother's death was so tragic, they couldn't show it on screen. Luckily for Mozu, she wouldn't be doomed to being alone forever. Immediately after the Faceless ruined everything, a traveling army from a legendary kingdom passed through. Their leader admitted they could never replace family, but they vowed to care for Mozu as they would anyone else. She agreed and boy, was this army surprised by what she could do when they had some spare time. Regardless of what level she was at, she could farm, cook, scold like my ex, nurture like my mama, and wrestle bears to death. Yes. Freaking... bears. In the Eurasian areas, wild bears can grow as large as 1500 pounds. Killing more than one of them would mean that Mozu's strength is about the same as Street Fighter's Zangief. You know, the guy who managed to overtake Mike Haggar in a previous (actual) Death Battle? *sniff* Why'd you have to remind me of that? That poor mustached mayor... Anyway, Mozu's arsenal usually consists of long-ranged pole weapons. Her base weapon is a Brass Naginata, a pole weapon with a blade which can be used to stab, batter, or hook her enemies. While there's no exact confirmation on what her best armor is made out of, her defense stat gets pretty darn high at her maximum potential. Same goes for her speed and strength, allowing her to hit some enemies multiple times and dish out pain with every strike. Plus, her weapons never break in comparison to those of the predecessor Fire Emblem game Awakening. There is a catch to all that power and unbreakable gear. She is by no means invincible. If pushed against enemies of similar or greater power, she won't be taking it out alone. Rarely would it ever be a good idea to place her in a fight against armies all by herself. Despite her pole-arm weapons, she doesn't necessarily have the means to fight off ranged units and spell-casters. Still, I don't mind a woman who can work wonders in a kitchen and against wild bears. Heck, she can practically marry any of the male characters if the player so chooses. Talk about a critical hit. "You reap what you sow!" ---Death Battle--- Alright, the combatants are set. Let's settle this debate once and for all. It's time for a hoe-down, Death Battle! ---Death Battle--- The sun is nice and bright today. A field is adorned by many blooming flowers. A couple birds fly overhead and sing. On the ground, a pegasus pony picks some of the flowers and puts them in a basket. She joins in the birdies' song. "~La, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la...~" As the camera pans ahead, it looks like several other animals are gathered around a picnic blanket. Some cups are divided among them while a teapot is in the middle of their circle. The pegasus giggles as she sets the basket of flowers right next to the middle. One of the animals, a bear, smiles and sips away. Something reflects a ray of sunlight from a nearby bush. The pegasus's ear twitches as she takes a look in that direction. The bush's leaves rustle just before a young woman runs out with a long pole with a blade on its end. Said blade is heading almost directly for the bear's throat. "Harry, look out!" Time seems to slow down. The pegasus flies into the path of the oncoming weapon. The blade stabs into her side just under her wing. She opens her mouth and eyes wide as she goes spinning out of control to the ground. --- "AAAAAAAH!" "Fluttershy!" The orange pony drops her buckets of apples and sprints in the direction of her friend's scream. --- "Oh, darn it. I missed the bear." Harry looks over his fallen pony friend. Red liquid streams down her side while a bluish-clear liquid spills out her eyes. She's shivering. It causes him to involuntarily shake as well. Just what is this biped and its ability to overtake such a strong massage-giver like Fluttershy? His train of fear and thought is temporarily interrupted. A friend of his friend appears and slides some dirt in order to stop in front of him. This familiar friend stares at the intruder in anger. She stands to defend her friend and the rest of the animals in the vicinity. She firmly says something that involves his name, though he can't understand what she's saying. The translator for the audience switches to English as the pony repeats herself. "Harry! Take Fluttershy and get out of here!" She points a hoof away from the scene. "What are you waiting for? Go!" The bear is still shaking, but he seems to at least get some idea of what this second pony is saying. He slowly picks up Fluttershy in his paws and leads the rest of the animals out of the area. The woman tries to give chase, but the earth pony slams a hoof and shoves her away. After a second of catching her breath, the woman regains her weapon in her grasp and faces this new target. "FIGHT!" "Here goes nothing." Mozu points her naginata down slightly and runs forward. Applejack pats her hat against her head and snorts before she gallops forth herself. When the weapon is about to make contact, the pony veers to the right enough to pass unscathed. Then, Applejack jumps up and pounds a hoof into her enemy's face. Said enemy yelps and backs up a step. It's just enough time for the pony to press her front hooves into the ground, turn around, and buck both of her hind legs into Mozu's stomach region. The woman goes for a backward tumble. The pony pulls a rope out of her inventory space with her tail. Applejack spins her rope into a lasso loop and launches it at the woman. Just as Mozu tries to stand back up, she finds her torso wrapped up in a tight rope. When Applejack pulls the rope, her enemy goes stomach first overhead and slams against the ground on the left side of the visible screen. She swings the rope around and slams her foe a couple more times against the ground in the same fashion. When it looks like another toss is about to happen, Mozu reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small knife. She slides it over the lasso loop around her torso a few times. The rope snaps, allowing her to comfortably wield her naginata again. She presses the blade of the pole-arm weapon into the ground to slow her descent and allow herself to land on her feet. The pony gallops in for another hoof to the face, but Mozu's other hand whips out the small knife. Thinking quickly, AJ reaches in a hoof and deploys her folding chair. The knife sticks into the wood, but doesn't go anywhere else. Meanwhile, Applejack's momentum sends both combatants rolling around onto their backs. The background music hits a dramatic shift. Applejack wobbles up onto three hooves while holding her chair with her fourth. Mozu grunts as she stands up on two feet while adjusting her naginata. Applejack breathes heavily and a drop of sweat trickles down the side of Mozu's face. They both charge toward the other. Applejack swings her chair up. Mozu swings her pole-arm blade down. The chair turns into an explosion of splinters. Applejack's eyes go wide as the naginata scratches a slit on her muzzle. Mozu uses the moment to hook her opponent from underneath. She uses an upward tilt to send Applejack into the sky. The screen flashes briefly with a visage of Mozu smiling confidently. "You're a bad apple!" She thrusts her weapon at a perpendicular direction to the pony's fall. The blade stabs clean through the pony's chest. There's a bit of gurgling from the throat before all four legs, tail, and head go limp. After that, Mozu shakes the orange body off of her weapon. "Now, where'd that bear run off to?" The woman walks away. A Stetson slowly floats down from side to side before quietly landing on the pony's face. "K.O.!" ---Death Battle--- Holy crap! Where did all of that come from? Yes, as it turns out, Mozu has a higher probability of victory than Applejack does. While Applejack technically had better natural speed and a longer range with her lasso, she didn't quite match up to Mozu's overall strength advantage. That little lady was packing muscles? Where? Under her cloak? Make no mistake. The ability to knock apples from a tree with nothing but hoof strength is impressive, but Mozu has commonly wrestled 1.5 ton bears to death. Sometimes, she did so without her proper tools except for a knife. Imagine how much more effective she is when she has her actual weapon in hand. And unlike that consistency, Applejack has gotten caught under a pile of rocks. Her strength has a tendency to up and vanish when the writers feel like it. Finally, Applejack's strategic mind is typically saved for when she has multiple friends or family members around to carry the plan through. She just didn't have the tools necessary to plan out Mozu's death. Whereas, Mozu already had a lethal weapon on her and had enough strength to prevent her from losing it should Applejack have tried to lasso the weapon instead of her. She's an Apple forever... to the core. The winner is Mozu. ---Death Battle--- ---