//------------------------------// // Another Human? Another idiot. (68) // Story: Griffin the Griffin // by BlackWing //------------------------------// Another Human? Another idiot. "Well, we're here. Gala's supposed to be today. Where should we drop you off Lyra?" I asked as we approached the city limits. "The gate to the castle, I'm going to the Gala too you know." Then the mint unicorn pulled out a ticket of her own, and with a quick flash of her horn, pulled a floral pattern dress from her saddlebags and slipped it on, all in about four seconds. My crew simply put on our sunglasses. "Well alright then. Trixie hop on." "Got it." The unicorn jumped my back, and Gilda grabbed Lyra, and helped Shimmer onto her back. Nadene jumped on Maria, Etch and Growl on their birds, and the rest of the crew on theirs. "Captain Griffin, so glad you could arrive." A pegasus guard stated from off the port side. "Yeah, mind if we set the ship over there?" I pointed at a tower, near the Gala building. "We'll just pass it along. Oh, I almost forgot, tickets please?" I just lowered my shades and glared at him. "I don't need your damn tickets." "Fair 'nuff." Those without rides just dropped down by rope onto a landing at the castle. Once everyone was dismounted, we walked up to the doors. We all just walked into the Gala room, the guards looked like they were going to try and stop us, but I just glared at them. They swallowed hard and started sweating visibly under my gaze. 'Suckers. And, am I really that scary? I guess I do have a reputation, and am going to a formal party armed to the teeth.' Once we were in, we split up. Lyra went down to the stage, the cats and griffins fanned out to do various things, Steelhorn looking a bit out of place, seeing as how he was so much larger than most ponies, Gilda and Shimmer going with him to ease the awkwardness, and the Freuds mingling quite well, despite their metal extremities. Trixie and I were quickly approached by Princess Celestia, and a changeling. We both tensed up, preparing to squash the bug at a moment's notice. The insect pony's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw us. "Captain Griffin." Celestia started with a bow, although not a very low one, she couldn't be seen bowing to a pirate after all. "I thank you for your timely arrival. I'm also glad you requested an invitation, instead of simply crashing the party, although I can't understand why you had to frighten my guards to get in, did you not receive the ticket?" "Oh, I got it, gave it away. As if I need something like that to get in. I go where I want, you ought to know that by now." We shared a quick laugh. "I'd also like to introduce you to my new friend, Knightmare." She motioned to the changeling at her side, almost cowering behind her. He seemed to twitch when she mentioned him however, his little bug eyes filling with glee. "This is the best day of my life!" He exclaimed. I just glared at him. "Mind telling me why you have a changeling here? I figured after the wedding fiasco, you wouldn't be too keen on keeping them around." "I think he could answer that better than I." She nudged the changeling forward from behind, he looked like he was about to cry. "Um, do you like bananas?" He offered weakly. I gave him a wicked smile. "That depends bug, whether you want them here, or ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAA BEEEYATCH!" He visibly relaxed, wiping sweat off his brow that had been accumulating there. As a changeling, he looked a bit different than the ones I remember. He had four wings, arranged in an 'X' on his back, had a strange looking ax with guitar strings, and was a bit bigger than the drones. Okay, so he was armed, but the look in his eye said it all. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! If he's ever been in a fight and won, then I play Halo against extremely high voiced adults who have all slept with my mother. "Seriously though, a changeling fanboy?" "Fuck that bro, THE Princess Celestia just called me her friend! Mein gott, ever since I got hooked I've been her biggest fan!" Mein gott? Great, he's german. Don't mention the war, don't mention the war, don't mention the war. "Right.... so, you're one of us, and Celestia is your favorite? I can't imagine why......" Troll.exe initiated. Celestia snickered, being quite used to my puns, while the changeling just pouted. Aha, he jelly! Suddenly, it was replaced with a grin. "I even had a life size plushie of her." Oh god he's a perv. "Do I even WANT to know why you had that?" "You probably don't but I assure you it was not sexual in nature.... I like cuddling." BULLSHIT! We're cut from the same cloth, I know what you do with that plushie at night! I cringed at the thought. "Am I the only one creeped out by this?" Trixie asked, quite annoyed. "Trust me, you're not the only one." "I happen to like cuddling." Celestia said while pouting. The changeling looked like he was about to suffer from a d'aww attack. It wasn't that cute. Man, if he knew what I've done, he'd probably die. You know what, why not tell him? "As long as we're on the topic of cuddling, I hugged Fluttershy, and she called me soft. Any arguments beyond this point are now invalid." The human-turned-bug started to stutter incomprehensibly at the thought, and Celestia looked like she might possibly glomp me just to see if my claim was correct. Honestly? It was kind of creepy. Eager to get away from the subject, I moved to another. "Oooookaaaaaay then. So Celly, what have you got planned? Some kind of epic prank? Planning session? Badass mission you want me and the kid to do?" The changeling then snapped out of his flutter-snuggle-thought-induced stupor, and put on an indignant face. "KID!? I'm twenty four ya doof!" Doof? DOOF? I take it back, he's not a kid, he's a geezer. Seriously, he talks like he's eighty. "You're older than me, yet ten times the dork. Why am I not surprised?" "One learns fast to never be 'surprised' when it comes to Knightmare." Celestia said with a grin. Just what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Is she hiding something? Something I should know about? Seriously! What does she mean by that? My thoughts were interrupted when the doors to the kitchen burst open, and Luna RCV'D all over the place. "SISTER! WE HAVE PROCURED A DELICIOUS CAKE FROM MISS PINKAMENA DIANE PIE! SHE HAS REQUESTED GIFTING IT TO SIR GRIFFIN AND HIS CREW!" Why is she using that awful dialect again? It's like the comic sans of speech. Oh, right, subjects, gotta keep up with the 'royal we' and all that. A truly massive cake was wheeled in, swords and knives made of fondant, sugar that had been melted into a mold, then flash frozen to make chains, cherry filling made to look like blood, and the theme of the cake? Paint It Black. Super dark chocolate. Pinkie, you've outdone yourself. "Bloody hell! that's the most fucking metal cake I've ever laid eyes on!" Sure pal, just drop the f-bomb in front of all these ponies at megaphone volume. I at least try to keep my language in check in front of the natives. I could see several mares putting hooves to each other's ears comically to blot out the innocence robbing sailor talk. I'm allowed to use it because I AM a fucking sailor. My ship is moored to the fifth tower! "That.... is a damn good cake." I really didn't know how else to describe it. "Well? Aren't you gonna have some?" Luna asked. Wait.... hold on....... IT'S A TRAP! First Sugarcube Corner, then the Pinkie-style treats at the colony...... they're trying to give me diabetes and kill me. I can already feel the stomach ache. It's a conspiracy I tell you, a conspiracy! Okay, maybe not. Still, not having any. "Urk, no thanks Luny." I cover my mouth to prevent the gag reflex. "I've had more cake in the past few days than my entire life before being dragged here." "Wow..... I didn't think it was possible to get sick of cake...." Celestia said, shocked at my refusal. "Can I have your piece?" "Sure..... knock yourself out." The sun princess just about squee'd as she used her magic to get herself a slice. The changeling walked up to me, less afraid now... more curious. He decided to strike up a conversation. "Soooooo. You're the famous 'Griffin the griffin' huh? I guess that makes me 'Knightmare the changeling.' Pleased to meet you." He holds out a hole filled hoof, which I grip forcefully and shake. You know, the 'crush your knuckles' grip? But not too hard, I don't doubt that in this form, I might actually crush his hoof. He didn't seem too bothered by it. 'Right, exoskeleton. They're only squishy on the inside.' "So, you named yourself after an Equestrian villain, with a K in front? Lazy ass. That's unoriginal, will get confusing really quick, and you missed a fantastic opportunity." "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?" Must. Resist. Urge. To. Crush. Skull. Whew. That was close, Celestia wouldn't be happy if I killed her number one fan. "You should have called yourself Chuck Testa. Just think about it for a second." He sat on his haunches and put a hoof to his chin. Suddenly, his eyes filled with realization, and he looked at me. "You son of a bitc....." He face hoofed, cutting off what he was about to say. Fairly obvious that he wasn't used to his new body, because he would have known that even with an exoskeleton, the feet, or in this case, hooves, are the hardest part. They also have a point on them, which he hit himself on the head with. He actually punctured a hole in his own head. Everyone who saw it started laughing, that is, till we saw the pool of blood starting to form around him, at which point, it abruptly stopped the guffaw. "Did... did he really just knock himself out?" I asked. Celestia glared at me. "If he's seriously injured, I'm blaming you." She picked him up with her magic then walked off to I presume to be the hospital ward. "Hey, it's not my fault he's an idiot." "I seem to remember you telling us a story about how you jumped off a cliff, hoping your new body would know how to fly instinctively." Trixie pointed out. "Trix, shut up." The gala was still in the preparation stage, so I hung out with Luna for a bit while Trixie rode around on my back, making all who saw quite confused, impressed, or jealous. After a while, she brought me into a hall off to the side, where I saw none other than Queen Chrysalis. I didn't even bother drawing my sword. When she saw me, all I had to do was smile. "Oh Luna! You brought me someone to play with! And since Trixie is here, she'll get to have some fun too!" I say sadistically, making the Queen shudder, then drop to the ground and put her hooves over her head. Yep, she remembers me. "Yes, that is indeed part of the reason you were invited. The changeling queen requested a truce, and while she's here, we wanted to make sure she was on her best behaviour. Isn't that right?" Luna smiled evilly. "Guh." The queen just about choked on the air in her lungs. "Just, keep him away from me." "Aw, y u no liek me? I hadda wotta fun when we pwayed wast time." I replied with a childish grin. "Trixie, show her the leg." At my command, my rider lifted her prosthetic up to let the queen see. Chrysalis looked at her own hoof, the one I had cut off, then dug at the ground nervously. "Well, as long as nothing like that happens again, we won't have a problem." I smirked. "Come on Griffin, play nice." Luna scolded. "Didn't you read the label? Does not play well with others." "Oh you." "Well, see ya around Queen Bee. I'm gonna go check on the moron." I wandered off, looking for Knightmare. I would probably feel a little bit bad if he died or got the brain damage, and the brain damage, and the brain damage, damn it team four star. After wandering the castle halls for about an hour, Trixie and I both came to the same conclusion. "WE'RE FUCKING LOST!" And Knightmare is from THIS fic over here. That one. Just clickity click the link, if you haven't read it already. And no, I'm not going to kill him for posting early. He has to go to work. Wouldn't want him to be late.