//------------------------------// // Introduction and Intercourse // Story: Nock One Up // by Pony with a Pen //------------------------------// A certain smell hung in the air. Most ponies would call it “spring”—blooming flowers, fresh air, and amorous feelings—but Celestia couldn’t care less what ponies called it, she just wanted it to go away. As she conducted the Royal Court from her throne, listening to yet another love-struck couple asking for her marriage blessing, the stench of emotion and hormones filled the room. The scent wafted throughout the castle, thanks in no small part to the servants opening all of the castle’s windows. It was spring, and more specifically, it was a week after Hearts and Hooves Day. “May your marriage be prosperous, fruitful, and above all, joyful.” “Th-thank you so much, Princess! W-we-we’re honored,” the stallion stammered as he was escorted out of the room with his fiancé. “Royal Court is adjourned! If you still wish to speak with Her Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, you may…” The pony droned on, but Celesta’s mind drifted off. That was the thirty-sixth couple today, and she would undoubtedly encounter more tomorrow. She rose from her throne and gracefully strolled to the private chambers behind the throne room. There, she shed her regalia, approached the sink, and sighed as she dipped her hooves in the cool water from the running faucet. The Sun Princess’s crown fell onto its holder with the help of her magic, and Celestia slowly rubbed her face while staring at her reflection in the mirror. She tried to make her best cute, pouty face. It was passable. It had been a long time since her last suitor, and even longer since her last lover. For the past few centuries, her little ponies had seen her more as a god than a pony, let alone a romantic prospect. Of course, this was a ridiculous notion—she was no more heavenly than angel food cake—but she had already tried to dispel the myths. Ponies will believe what ponies will believe. Normally, it didn’t bother her, but a solid week surrounded by lovey-dovey ponies does things to a “happily single” mare. Hearts and Hooves Day celebrates the bonds between lovers, but Celestia had no one to celebrate it with. Hearts and Hooves Day held no flowers for her, no box of chocolates, no romantic dinners, and no “nighttime activities.” She blushed profusely at that thought. The castle didn’t generally celebrate the holiday other than through small, informal gatherings organized by the staff. Celestia was almost certain this was for her and Luna’s benefit, and she greatly appreciated it—but the stream of couples visiting the castle afterward was insufferable. And as much as she wanted to gag each time one of them entered, she couldn’t help but feel a pang of envy. In the first centuries after Nightmare Moon’s banishment, Celestia indulged a couple trysts here and there, and even a few genuine romances, but those had long since passed. Now, the only pony still with her was that lonely old nag in the mirror. “Celly! Why the buck does the castle not have any chocolate?” “And Luna,” Celestia thought as she sighed. “I don’t know, Luna. Have you asked any of the kitchen staff?” she said, trying to keep her tone even. Her Sister had caught up with the times remarkably fast; however, she had also picked up on some… unbecoming mannerisms along the way. Celestia overlooked Luna’s less desirable habits as long as she could behave herself in public—which, thankfully, she did for the most part. Luna trotted through the chamber’s other doorway with a plain brown box full of what Celestia could only imagine was enough sugar and calories to kill two full grown ponies. “Ah, they said something about Hearts and Hooves Day, but that was a week ago. They should have already received another shipment by now. I had to run to a convenience store on the other side of Canterlot just to find some.” With the chocolate gripped in her magic, Luna flopped onto a couch on the opposite side of the room before unwrapping a candy bar and chomping down hungrily. “Mwant some?” she asked between bites. “Thank you, but no thank you, Sister,” Celestia replied. “I think our nutritionist would throw a fit if I ate any more sugar today.” “Bah, all these new ponies are so troublesome—nutritionists, fitness coaches, fashion consultants,” Luna said as she twirled her chocolate bar around. “When did paying other ponies to discourage you from having fun become a thing?” “About fifty years ago. Besides, they mean well, Luna, and you ought to take their advice. Encouraging our little ponies to develop healthy lifestyle habits begins with us.” “Ugh, if you care about the health of Equestria, we should just reinstate the military draft. You should see how ‘healthy’ this new batch of Royal Guards is,” Luna said with a wink. “If you know what I mean.” Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes, Luna. Yes, I know what you mean. What I don’t know is how you think those are appropriate thoughts for a Princess of Equestria.” “Oh come on,” Luna said incredulously. “Maybe you can’t get any action, but that doesn’t mean you can force an oath of celibacy on the rest of us. “I am not forcing, nor have I ever forced celiba—wait, what do you mean?” “Well, I saw this one earth pony—ooh, he was hot, let me tell you. So, I was thinking that—” “No, no,” Celestia interjected. “The part about how I ‘can’t get any action.’ I can most certainly ‘get action,’ but I believe that developing proper relationships is far more important than just hooking up with the first stallion I can get into my bed.” “More like drag into your bed,” Luna retorted. “And what is that supposed to mean?” “Nothing,” Luna said nonchalantly as she rose from the sofa. “It’s just that, you see, I remember your plot being much more shapely one thousand years ago. Must have grown a bit from all that cake.” Celestia glared. Luna flashed a quick grin at her Sister. “Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s a stallion out there who’s into that sort of thing.” Celestia scowled. “I mean, probably. You’d be amazed by the fetishes I see in ponies’ dreams.” Luna paused for a moment to smirk. “I’m sure ‘smothered to death by bloated Sun Princess’ is somepony’s kink.” Celestia breathed in deeply before speaking. “Oh, really? That’s good. Then there must also be somepony into smutty emo-princesses who snore, too.” Luna gaped at Celestia as she gave a smirk of her own. “All right then,” Luna said as she collected herself. “No need to demean ourselves any further with petty insults and false accusations.” “Quite right,” Celestia said coldly. “We’ll settle this like adults.” “We have a question of the utmost importance for you, Captain,” Celestia said with a deadly serious edge in her voice. “Yes, Your Highnesses?” Captain Bronze Lance’s back straightened as he focused intently on the Princesses. “Ask anything of me.” Luna drew in close. “This conversation is off the record, and it will not leave this room. Is that understood, soldier?” “Of course, Princess,” said Bronze. “Bad things happen to ponies with loose lips, Captain.” Luna said as she loomed over the Royal Guard captain menacingly. “Nightmares are especially common among those with careless tongues.” Celestia nodded solemnly. “I… I understand Princess,” Captain Lance said nervously. “Good. Now,” Luna said as she turned to Celestia. “Who is the most eligible bachelor in the Royal Guard?” “…What?” “Who is the most eligible bachelor in the Royal Guard?” Celestia repeated. “I-I don’t… Why—” “You don’t need to know why, Captain, you just need to know who,” Luna interjected. Bronze Lance bounced his eyes between the Sisters, dumbstruck, while Celestia and Luna stared at him expectantly. “Uh, well, Lieutenant Ironhoof recently got back into the dating game, and there’s always Private Flash Sentry.” “Those are the most desirable stallions the Royal Guard can produce?” Luna said with a hint of disgust. “Nnnooo?” Bronze responded hesitantly. “Do we no longer enlist fetching young stallions? Surely there must be one among the recent academy graduates,” said Celestia. Increasingly unnerved, Bronze replied, “Well, I know some of the maids have been staring at one of the new rookies.” “And why have they been staring at him, Captain Lance?” Celestia asked. “Well, I’m not really the best judge of—” “Why have they been staring, Captain?” Celestia interjected irritably. “It wouldn’t be appropria—“ “Yes, Captain, I would like to know as well,” Luna said as she locked her eyes on the stallion. Bronze stared ahead blankly while his hooves shook beneath him. “He earned top marks in the academy; he has a stellar record,” he replied anxiously. The Sisters’ gaze lingered on the Captain Bronze Lance, probing him for more information. “And?” Celestia said. “Very desirable,” he said nervously. “Very single.” “And?” Luna pressed. “You haven’t answered our question, Captain.” Silence dominated the room. Sweat dripped from the guard captain’s quivering features, and as Celestia and Luna leaned forward, his face blanched. “He has a nice plot.” Slowly, the Princesses turned to each other. “Bring us his report.” Small, bright embers flew wistfully out from the fireplace in Celestia’s bedroom as the sun lowered behind the mountains of Canterlot, painting the skies with shades of pink and orange. “Is this a proper representative sample, though?” Celestia asked from her spot near her bedchamber’s fireplace. “Would you prefer to put out a poll in the Equestria Enquirer?” Luna replied from the balcony. “Oh my gods, no.” Celestia replied, shuddering at the thought. “But is asking one stallion about who he would rather… Come to think of it, what will we ask him? “I guess we haven’t thought about that yet.” Luna put a hoof to her chin. “Which one of us is hotter?” “Really?” Celestia threw up her hooves. “Sun Princess.” Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine. Whether he prefers young, shapely princesses or ancient, gluttonous princesses.” She faced away from Celestia, but Luna could feel her Sister’s ire directed toward her. “Yes, and perhaps, afterward, we can ask if he prefers crude, foalish princesses or kindhearted, mature princesses,” Celestia retorted. “Well, we could just ask who he’d prefer to sleep with,” Luna suggested. “And you don’t think that two of Equestria’s most powerful beings standing over him—asking him which one of them he would rather buck—won’t be the least bit intimidating?” “One thousand years ago, our advances were considered a great honor,” Luna replied indignantly. “He ought to be flattered.” “Yes, Lulu, but he won’t be.” Celestia sighed. “He’ll be anxious, confused, and terrified. We couldn’t possibly get a straight answer out of him that way.” Behind Celestia, the fireplace glowed with heat and light as darkness began to envelop Equestria. Luna guided the stars into place while she stood out on the balcony, the moon slowly rising into position. Between the two Sisters sat the report of the Royal Guard’s most eligible bachelor. “Ugh, what is asking him even going to prove?” Luna groaned. “How can we know what’s running through that stallion’s mind when he answers?” “What goes through the minds of stallions is a mystery not even Clover the Clever could solve,” Celestia mused. “I think,” a devious smile spread across Luna’s face, “we should just do it.” “Do what?” “Do it.” “I don’t understand. Do wha—” realization struck Celestia. “No. No, Luna, we are not—” “You said that you can still get some action, right? Why not prove it?” “Luna, are you suggesting we compete to seduce a stallion?” “More or less,” Luna replied flatly. “Really?” Celestia asked incredulously. “Use some innocent, oblivious stallion to prove that one of us is more enticing than the other?” “I don’t think he would object,” said Luna. “That’s beside the point.” Celestia blushed. “It’s distasteful.” “So?” “It’s immoral.” “Because?” “It. Is. Wrong,” Celestia said slowly. “We would be toying with his emotions. Think, Luna. Asking a stallion about it is one thing, but actually having sex? How devastated will he be when he finds out that we were only interested in him because of a bet?” “What if it wasn’t just because of a bet?” Luna slowly walked into the room, shutting the balcony doors behind her. Staring off to her side, she muttered, “It’s been a while for both of us, Celly.” “Yes.” Celestia thought back to the last time she felt a lover’s embrace; she didn’t want to count the centuries. “However, that doesn’t—” “You know as well as I do about all the trysts that happen inside the castle,” Luna continued pleadingly. “What’s one more?” “No, Luna.” “Besides, when was your last roll in the hay?” Luna said with a knowing grin. “That’s private information.” Celestia looked away from Luna hurriedly, and directly at the folder containing the guard’s report—just in time to see a photo levitate out. Crouching behind her, Luna brought the photo mere inches away as she whispered directly into Celestia’s ear. “Well, the next one certainly won’t be with him. It looks like I’ll have him all to myself.” Luna couldn’t see Celestia stare longingly into the photograph, but she knew what was happening. Hunched over her older Sister, Luna could almost swear she heard Celestia’s heart begin to race. She didn’t move as Celestia craned her neck to look back at her. “Really, Lulu?” “Really,” Luna replied. “Oh, we’ll see about that, Moonbutt.”