Luna sat on the balcony outside her bedroom, looking up at her handiwork. She loved nothing more than to come out here in the quiet hours between when she raised the moon and filled the night with her beloved constellations and when she had to return to the throne room to rule over the night court. It gave her an opportunity to reflect upon her life, all the weighty issues she was responsible for as Princess of Equestria, and the great mysteries of the universe.
Or, as on nights like tonight, on how incredibly bored she was. It wasn’t that she didn’t have anything to do. There was a stack of reports and her subjects' petitions that was slowly taking over every square inch of the surface of her desk. She just couldn’t bring herself to engage with any of it. She’d been back from the moon for several years, but she still felt like an outsider looking in on her sister’s perfect little kingdom. Celestia had been so perfectly understanding, and so had the other ponies she dealt with every day. Or at least they faked it well enough. It still didn’t feel like they were equals. Her own public audiences attracted maybe a tenth as many ponies as those of her sister, and if anything seemed to draw an even greater share of noble ponies who clearly only cared about her as a means to improve their favor in Celestia’s court. The “real” court, in their eyes.
Naturally she had played along, not revealing her true feelings to any pony. She knew that any one of them wouldn immediately run to her sister at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction; “Hey, remember how you thought your sister felt before she turned evil and tried to kill you? Well she might be feeling that way again now.” No, that wouldn’t do at all. Better to pretend that she was content with the situation and try to resolve it privately with Celestia later on. Still, it wore on her. The doublespeak that ponies in her court transparently flattered her with. The thoughtless whining of ponies who expected her to magically resolve their personal problems. None of it was worth her time.
Luna’s ears perked up as she became aware of some pony coming towards her bedroom. Her room, like Celestia’s, was thoroughly insulated from everything else in the palace by an entire wing of guest bedrooms that were barely ever used. Not that Luna was complaining, since it allowed her a great deal of advance warning whenever any pony tried to corner her in her own bed chambers. She turned her focus towards the approaching pony. Her ears, capable of listening in on the whispers between the stars billions of miles from Equestria, were more than up to the task of picking out the voice of the approaching pony, and even the words he thought he was mumbling only to himself.
It was one of her bureaucrats, Pencil Pusher, who she had spoken to in the last few days. And based on the speech he was rehearsing under his breath as he approached he wanted to speak to her about the current level of agricultural subsidies and why the nobles from rural provinces felt they should be increased.
She suddenly felt the irresistible urge to go for a midnight flight over Canterlot. She chose to indulge it.
Sending a quick telepathic message to the pair of guards by her bedroom door that she would be unavailable until future notice, she spread her wings and leapt into the night sky. Soon, the Princess of the Night was soaring over the city, invisible to her subjects below against the jet black sky.
Luna couldn’t help but admire the view. The simple pleasures of rulership were always the greatest, and she never tired of soaring above the city her sister had constructed for them in her absence. Even late into the night, there were ponies walking the streets. Restaurants were open and businesses thrived on the patronage of ponies who were out and about, enjoying her night. Her pleasure quickly turned toxic. Even this had been handled more effectively under her sister’s rule. Before her exile, ponies barely gave her night a second thought. Now there were plays, movies, restaurants, art galleries, all sorts of entertainment open to ponies who wanted to do more than just sleep through the magnificent display she devoted herself to providing for them every single night. None of which, she noted with a touch of resentment, she’d had anything to do with.
Banking around in a wide circle, she pointed herself back towards the palace. There was a great deal of work to be done, and only a little time before her court opened and the nobles began demanding answers on the proposals that she hadn’t yet bothered to read.
Luna had almost reached her balcony again when she was roused from her reflections by a loud cheer from somewhere below her. Glancing downward, she saw that one of the buildings on the palace grounds that was still lit up and noisy with the sounds of combat. Weighing her responsibilities to her court against her desire for some diversion from that dreadful tedium, she quickly decided that the commotion below was well worth investigating.
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“And the winner, by TKO, is Ironside! Let’s hear it for our victor, everypony!”
Cheers went up throughout the gymnasium. While his opponent had fought well, the winner of the match had been clear by the end of the third round. The two combatants gave one another a respectful bro hoof and stepped out of the ring to meet with their supporters and discuss the results of the match with their respective trainers.
Or rather that’s what would have happened had the Princess of the Night not chosen that moment to burst through the roof.
Debris rained down on the ring as the Princess descended into the center of the ring. She glanced around at her shocked subjects with a small smile; she had always known how to make a dramatic entrance. “GREETINGS, PONIES OF THE GUARD!” she began, oblivious to the ponies closest to the stage who were now clutching their ears with their hooves. “WE HATH TAKEN TIME OUT FROM THE ROYAL SCHEDULE TO DESCEND AND BLESS THEE WITH OUR PRESENCE! WE WISH TO CONVEY OUR APPRECIATION FOR THY LOYAL DEVOTION TO THE THRONE OF EQUESTRIA!” Luna paused to look around at her audience. If Celestia had been here addressing them, they surely would have burst into cheers by now. But these so-called “elite guard ponies” were practically wallowing on the ground, covering their heads. Luna began to wonder if, perhaps, this visit might have been ill advised. “SO, LIKE I WAS SAYING...” she continued, desperate to regain the initiative “KEEP ON... UM... KEEPING ON, AS THEY SAY, IN THE MODERN VERNACULAR!”
Luna was now sure that she had made a huge mistake. Cursing her idiocy under her breath, she made a note to ask her sister how she improvised in situations like these. Glancing around desperately for something, anything, that would help her to salvage this ill-advised visit, she suddenly spotted her sister’s protegee, Twilight Sparkle, amongst the ponies present. What luck!
“AH, TWILIGHT SPARKLE! ‘TIS GOOD TO BE IN THY PRESENCE ONCE MORE! UM... HOW ART THOU DOING?” She asked.
“Just fine, Princess!” Twilight answered “”Would you mind, um, not using the Royal Canterlot Voice? Just for now?”
“WHAT? OH, CERTAINLY, BUT OF... But of course! It would be no trouble at all.”
A sigh of relief went up throughout the room. It was almost as if they didn’t like the Royal Canterlot voice! Luna chuckled to herself at the ridiculousness of the very idea.
“Princess Luna, thank you so much for coming to see us unexpectedly in the middle of this, your most glorious night” began Twilight again, having had enough experience with the Princess to know when she needed to be thrown a lifeline. “It honors the royal guard that you would visit them here, the gymnasium, in which they spar with one another and train to hone their combat abilities, the better to protect the Throne of Equestria.”
“YES! I mean, yes! The gymnasium wherein our elite guard ponies hone their abilities! That is, of course, the building that we knew we were visiting when we came in through the roof. It is exactly the building which we were entirely meaning to visit, and certainly not one that we chose at random!” Luna felt much more at ease. Surely no pony would be able to see through such a clever lie. She was suddenly struck with a bolt of inspiration; the perfect plan to salvage this situation. “So... now that we are here, we feel the need to test the mettle of our guards! Nothing would invigorate us like a round of hooficuffs! What pony here feels able to challenge their Princess in single combat?”
The more Luna considered the prospect, the more sure she felt that this was the right call. Why not challenge the guards to come up with a champion to face her one-on-one? Perhaps it could even become a tradition. Heaven knows Celestia had set up enough of the damn things, accursed yearly obligations she’d been dragged to and forced to sit through year after year. It was about time she started to establish a few of her own.
Shockingly, no pony seemed eager to volunteer. What had become of the guard in this modern age? Luna remembered a time when it was common for a pony to go up against some sort of mythic beast for even the slightest chance to earn the title of Royal Guardpony. Obviously the last millenium had made them all soft. Still, Luna wasn’t about to give up her new tradition so easily. She would just pick one of the ponies in the room and challenge them directly. Of course, there was only one pony in the room whom she actually knew.
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE, WE CHALLENGE YOU TO A MAGICAL SPARRING MATCH! YOU WILL FACE US IN GLORIOUS COMBAT!” Luna promised herself she wouldn’t crush her too badly. She was sure she could get her sister to forgive her later on for any semi-permanent damage the match might cause. She also resolved not to do anything the young unicorn couldn’t recover from within a year or two. After all, she wasn’t a monster. Not anymore, anyway.
Although the gym had been packed to capacity a moment ago, Twilight suddenly found herself several feet away from any other pony in the room. Refusing a direct challenge from a princess was out of the question. Seeing no other choice, the unfortunate unicorn trotted up to the ring, and the Princess within it.
“JUDGE!” demanded the Princess as she turned to address Fair Fight, the gymnasium’s referee. “Tell us, what are the limits of combat in this arena? May we assume that the Marequis of Queensbury rules are still the order of the day?”
“Well, Princess, this is an elite military facility with the goal of preparing soldiers for the most brutal combat conditions, so we don’t really have that many formal rules. Pretty much anything goes, fighting wise. The match ends either when one of the competitors is unable to continue fighting or the referee decides that the danger to the participants is too great to continue.”
“Very well, we can... adapt. We are nothing if not adaptable! Twilight prepare yourself for no-holds-barred magical combat!” proclaimed the Princess.
Luna watched Twilight step up to the ring, but before she could cross into it two dull orange hooves yanked her away and dragged her over to a corner of the gymnasium where a poster of the legendary boxing champion Rocky Mareciano was hung beside a speed bag. The two seemed to be in the middle of an animated discussion. This wouldn’t do. She’d need another distraction soon or she’d be faced with another awkward silence. Perhaps if she set something on fire...
Even with her mind occupied trying to pick out the most flammable object in the room, Luna couldn’t help overhearing a few snippets of the whispered discussion happening on the other side of the room.
“...completely irresponsible....”
“... a freaking goddess...”
“... outclasses you by several orders of magnitude...”
“...dumbest idea I’ve ever heard...”
Ah ha! This must one of those “pep talks” Luna had read so much about! This other stallion must be Twilight’s coach or instructor. She made a mental note to compliment him for the training Twilight had received after Luna had ruthlessly crushed her. Suddenly the unicorn stallion Twilight had been speaking to called out from across the room.
“Princess, while I’m sure any of us would be honored to face you, Our code is quite clear. Doing harm to a princess or any other pony under our protection would be an unthinkable breach of duty. So while I know Twilight would just love to accept your challenge...” Reinolds began to subtly push Twilight towards the door.
“Fear not!” called out Luna from inside the ring “I hereby decree that any violence or crime committed against me by Twilight Sparkle in the course of this challenge is preemptively forgiven and pardoned! Is there any other objection you wish to raise?”
“...No princess, none that I can think of” said Reinolds.
“Wonderful! Then let us begin without further delay. Come now, Twilight, we are most eager to ‘throw it down’ with you” said Luna.
Sensing that she was out of options, Twilight grudgingly approached the arena and stepped inside. She took the Training Amulet offered to her by Fair Fight and placed it around her neck. The judge offered another identical amulet to Luna, but she waved it off. What a ridiculous notion! The idea that a mortal unicorn would be able to seriously hurt her? It was laughable. “I am glad for thy sake that thou shall be protected, for we do not intend to hold back! Nor would we expect you to do so” said Luna.
“Princess, I was just thinking. You know what’s way more exciting than magical combat? Chess! In fact, I think I have my emergency chess set in my saddlebag so if you wanted-”
DING DING
Twilight’s last ditch attempt to escape was cut off as the bell rang to signify that the match had officially started.
Luna smiled and lowered herself into a wider fighting stance. “Come now, my little pony. Let’s begin.”