State of the Shipper
Today was a great day for a certain orange pegasus. Her house no longer smelled like... well, it was best to not to think about what that smell could be assigned to. It was gone now, and she didn't need to learn about insurance law anymore.
Plus, Scootaloo was free from the threat of inexplicable run-ins with Trixie. The unicorn, according to gossip, had fled in the middle of the night. Any ravings about the magician seeing duplicates were dismissed by the townsponies as the product of exhaustion and overwork. Touring was hard on a star, everypony knew that. Certainly Scootaloo did, when she suggested it.
So Scootaloo's business was well off, a perplexing problem had scarpered, and that stench was gone. The day couldn't get-
“Someone like me?”
A flash and the pop of a party popper, and Discord was looming over the filly. Normally this would be a life-changing, or at least bowel-loosening, event in a pony's existence. But Scootaloo lived in Ponyville, so she was mostly just confused. “Wait- what?”
“I said 'Someone like me?'” Discord repeated grumpily, as if somepony had ruined a punchline- which was possible. He had said it with such aplomb, and it was within his... proclivities. “You were thinking 'Oh, I hope no one shows up to ruin this moment',right?”
“Nooo... I was actually wondering how the day could get better than it already was.”
“Well congratulations, I'm here now. Betterment achieved,” Discord pouted.
Not that Scootaloo could fault his huffiness- entrances were important, after all. Still, it was probably best to redirect his train of thought before it reached Mess-Up-Ponyville Station. “So what's with the visit, Discord?”
“The truth- not that you actually care- is that I've heard about this 'shipping' thing you're doing, and all the wonderful chaos you've been causing.” He snootily crossed his... appendages? “Chaos, I might add, that you haven't been punished for.”
“Chaos?”
“Oh, yes. Or have you forgotten the golem?” Discord wiggled his paw and a nearby bush shaped itself into a diorama of the incident, complete with mini sound effects.
“Wait a minute!” Scootaloo protested. “Twilight said I wasn't legally responsible for that!”
“Regardless, that's why I'm here. As the Spirit of Chaos, it's only right that I get in on this.”
The pegasus' jaw dropped. “You want me to... ship you? You?!”
“If that's what you call it. Should be fun for all involved.”
Fun. Sure. That's a word, definitely, but Scootaloo doubted it would be applicable. But since she didn't really have a choice, she reluctantly said, “A-Alright, but I'll need a little time. And maybe some help...”
“Discord wants you to do what?!”
“Yeah, I know,” Scootaloo said through a sip of tea. “Any thoughts?”
Fluttershy simply sat there staring at the kettle- not the capital S version, just a normal one. Scootaloo didn't blame her. Finally, the yellow pegasus asked, “Not with me, right?”
“I don't think so, but who can tell with Discord? Reason doesn't usually associate with him.”
“That's a relief,” Fluttershy sighed.
Scootaloo winced. “Wow, that was pretty harsh.”
“Oh, don't take that the wrong way,” Fluttershy backpedaled. “Discord's a dear friend to me. It's just...”
“You only want him as a friend,” Scootaloo finished.
Fluttershy nodded. “Exactly. He has enough of a problem with jealousy already. I can't imagine what he'd do if we were together and he found out somepony had a poster of me.”
Scootaloo could think of a few scenarios, all of which could be labeled 'Squicky'. She took another sip of Fluttershy's tea to drive those images away. It really was a good brew, and probably would've been calming if not for the situation.
“I haven't the slightest clue who would be a good match for him. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, Scootaloo.”
“It's alright,” Scootaloo assured. “Honestly, I only came here because I hoped you might be interested.”
“So, what are you going to do now?”
The little filly shrugged. “Guess I'll just ask around. Shouldn't be too hard to find somepony who likes him.”
“No, thank you.”
“Nope.”
“Absolutely not!”
“AAAAAAHHHH!!!”
“Well, that was an absolute bust!” Scootaloo shouted to herself as she slammed her door shut.
Muted bells replied, echoing throughout her house, They got louder as a certain draconequus shimmered into being before her, before cutting off suddenly. “What was?”
“Why are you in my house, Discord?” she grumbled, ears still ringing from the bells' abrupt silence.
“You said you were going to ship me.”
“I'm trying, okay? It's kinda hard when nopony-” Scootaloo gagged as she caught a whiff of something. “Oh, great! Now that bucking smells back!”
“Crreeatoor...” croaked a new voice. The two arguers whipped their heads toward it, as its source emerged from the shadows.
“Wow. I honestly didn't expect to see that.”
The thing was about the size of Winona, or so Scootaloo estimated. Too-large lettuce dripped from its sides, and congealed bacon jutted out. But worst was the chicken. Dear Celestia, the chicken. And...
“Why do you have so many eyes?!” the filly demanded. “And tongues?! How did you grow tongues and eyes?”
Discord clear his throat. “Scootaloo, do you know what this thing is? Because I don't think I made it.”
“It's a sandwich. One I made before my secret was found out. One I then forgot about. Guess it must have... I don't know, mutated.”
The sandwich gurgled. “Crreeatoor. III haave rreturrned. Am III goood, Crreeatoor?”
“Good? More like rotten, if you ask me,” Discord quipped.
“Could you not make fun of my abomination of nature?” Scootaloo glared at Discord, then turned back to the sandwich. “Yes, you're very good little- wait, I just realized you don't have a name. It's got to be something super kawaii... how about Sandwich-kun?
“III like iit, Crreeatoor.”
“Oh brother,” Discord's eyes rolled so hard they popped out of their sockets. Embarrassed, he quickly scooped them up and put them back in.
It was then that Scootaloo hit upon idea. “Hey, Discord?”
“What is it?” he asked as he rubbed his eyes.
“I think I've figured out who to ship you with.”
“Who?”
Scootaloo simply pointed at Sandwich-kun.
“Me and the- thing?” he sputtered. “Have you lost your mind?!”
“Not at all. Think about it.”
Discord grimaced. “I am. I don't like it.”
She shook her head. “No, really think. You're Discord! The Spirit of Chaos!”
“Which is why you should realize-”
“That you should do something different!” Scootaloo interrupted. “Everypony is dating a pony. You've got to change it up.”
“I don't know...” Discord said uncertainly.
Scootaloo could tell he liked the novelty aspect, so she pressed on. “Look, it'd never work with a regular pony. But Sandwich-kun is different! Sandwich-kun doesn't care how weird you are. It may only be a May-December thing- I don't know how SK's going to hold together- but a relationship with Sandwich-kun will be one of the most accepting of all time.”
“It smells.”
“You can literally change that with a snap of your claws.”
Discord frowned, then threw up his arms in surrender. “Alright, fine. I'll give it a try.” He turned to Sandwich-kun. “Would you be my special some... thing?”
“Suuurre.”
“Awesome, I shipped you,” Scootaloo said. “Now both of you, get out of my house!”
A short time latter, after they had left, Scootaloo sat rubbing her forehead. “I need to find a new job...”