It's Not Fine

by Inky Shades

Chapter I: Guilt

It's Not Fine

Written by

Inky Shades

Sunset knew it was a nice day. She knew. Pretty purple, and yellow flowers bloomed along the edge of the sidewalk, releasing their sweet fragrances into the air. Yet their scent brought her no joy. Today was a beautiful day. If she tilted her head towards the sky, she knew she'd be greeted with the sight of deep cerulean. On any other day, she'd enjoy the cloudless morning and the rays of sun bathing her in warmth instead of thinking about how the heat made the back of her neck sweat.

Her face scrunched when a gentle breeze blew a lock of hair in front of her eyes. 'That's one of the reasons why I wear my hair up.' The memory stopped her in the middle of the sidewalk. She stumbled forward a few steps. Why? A moment passed before she registered that someone bumped into her.

“Sorry,” the person said. “I should've watched where I was going.”

But all she acknowledged was the speaker's feminine voice. Sunset noticed the girl's shadow shift on the sidewalk. Why did she just stand there? Then she realized the girl might want a response from her before leaving.

“It's fine,” Sunset said, vision trained on her own shadow.

“Oh, um, okay. Have a nice day then.”

“Yeah.” She watched the girl's shadow leave from the corner of her eye. Sunset sniffed and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. Pull yourself together.

The strap of her backpack dug into her shoulder. She shifted it into a more comfortable position. When did her school books become so heavy? They didn't used to be. Could it be because she hadn't had to carry them for so long? No. Not even a month had passed yet.

'Am I nervous? No, no. Well… maybe a little. I know it's silly since everyone is so nice, but after the Friendship Games… Let's say I feel better knowing you're with me.' Sunset shook her head, clearing her thoughts.

“I need to do this,” she said and continued down the sidewalk.

The familiar horse statue came into view. She made it. Canterlot High. But she went no farther than the statue. She simply watched. Watched the students flow into its doors. Watched them laugh and talk with friends. Watched them have a perfectly normal morning. How could they act like everything was the same?

Did you expect them to still be sad? Yes, she—no… How could she think they'd feel the same way? No one can feel like you though, can they? Not even your friends. The school blurred in her vision, but she quickly wiped her eyes.

This was a mistake. She wasn't ready to be here. That's all you say anymore. That you're not ready. Then why did she bother to get dressed and leave her apartment? You know why. Today was supposed to be her first step… If you don't do this—She made it to the front of the school. Good enough. But what about your friends?

Right. Her friends. Don't you want to see them? You know they're worried about you. She thought about it for a minute. It would be nice to see her friends again. Well, most of them, anyway. But not like this. She couldn't let them see her like—What? Do you think they haven't already seen you at your worst? They need you almost as much as you need

Not today.

Tomorrow, she decided. With one last glance at the school, she turned around. You'll never come back…

“Sunset?” A soft voice, a gentle touch of her shoulder.


Sunset paused to put a smile on her face, but the edges wavered when she turned to face—“Fluttershy,” she said.

“You're here,” Fluttershy said. “Does that mean you're—”

“I'm not staying.”

“Oh…” Fluttershy ran her fingers through her pink hair. “How, um… How are you doing?”

Sunset felt a flicker of undeserved anger over her question. However, the feeling came and went in a flash. “I'm… fine,” she said. But you're not, are you?

“You don't look very fine.”

A match struck in her chest. “How am I supposed to look, then?” She regretted her tone when she saw fluttershy flinch away from her as if slapped in the face. Why did she do that? Sunset held her arms. “Sorry, Fluttershy. I didn't mean to raise my voice.”

“It's okay,” she said.

“No, it's not. I should go. It was a mistake to come here.” Sunset turned to leave.


Fluttershy's exclamation stopped her.

“Can you… Can you at least let the other girls know that you're okay?” Fluttershy's voice wavered. “Please? You never answer your phone.” There was hurt in her voice, and it pained Sunset to know that she caused it.

Tears stung her eyes. “I'm sorry.” She had to get out of here.


“I can't deal with this right now!” Sunset ran.


But she didn't stop until Fluttershy's voice faded to silence. Why did she do that? Why did she run? Sunset sat down on a bench to catch her breath and wipe the remaining tears off her face. Would it have killed her to say hi to the girls? It was a simple enough request and yet the thought struck a panic inside her core. Why though? Why, why, why? She didn't have answers.

What was it she feared? That they'd pity her? Treat her like a glass doll that'd shatter at the slightest touch? Hate her? Why shouldn't they? It was her fault after all. They had every right to blame her like—How you blame yourself? You saw Fluttershy. You know she doesn't blame you. And you know the others don't either. You know what the reason is. What if they wanted to help her?

There was her answer, and she felt the truth of it grip her with its icy claws. But she didn't want their help. She rejected it. Every pang in her chest, every tear that stained her cheek, she deserved all of it. Because if it wasn't for her, Twilight would still be alive.