//------------------------------// // Humans in Ponyville Chapter 7 // Story: Sunflower - Life in Equestria // by Hoopy McGee //------------------------------// The regret was already waiting for Tony as he began to wake, lurking in the hazy mists of his hangover like a particularly sadistic ambush predator. It was a nebulous sort of regret; the kind that produced a vague sense of unease, but which didn’t have any specific incident tied to it. At least, no incident yet, but it was hard to remember much with the way his skull was pounding. He poked his dried-out tongue around his teeth, grimacing at the foul aftertaste of what had undoubtedly been an epic night of drinking as he tried to work some moisture back into his mouth. In the meanwhile, his aching brain was trying its best to complete an audit of his current circumstances, hampered considerably by the waves of nausea that kept crashing into him like a ship being rocked in a storm. The first item of interest his brain managed to catalog was that he was in a bed. The second was that his stocking-clad feet were dangling off the edge, hanging out in the open air. The third was that he was extremely warm, and fourth, that most of that warmth seemed to be coming from a large, fuzzy pillow lying next to him. He opened his grit-filled eyes and looked around, grateful that the shades were down. Confusion rolled over him as he realized that he wasn’t in his room at the hotel. In fact, he had no idea where he was. It was like Costa Rica all over again, except he didn’t think Ponyville had tattoo parlors. Jerry’s gonna kill me… It was during this stock-taking that something heavy shifted on the bed, bringing Tony’s thoughts crashing to a jangling halt. It had seemed to come from his side, somewhere near the fuzzy pillow. Confused, he poked the object, and the pillow grunted, rolled over onto its back, and smacked its lips. Tony stared in blank incomprehension at the pony, taking in its sandy brown coat and short, dark brown mane. Several facts were stampeding towards him at an alarming rate, and the only reason he wasn’t already panicking was due to the fact that his brain seemed to have entirely shut down for the moment. Oh, God… was the only thought his aching brain was currently capable of producing. It latched onto that phrase, repeating Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! before summing it up with the realization that Jerry probably actually would kill him this time. The pony he’d been in bed with chose that moment to open her bright blue eyes. She smiled up at him and said, in an entirely too-masculine voice, “Hey. Good morning. Feeling any better?” Tony couldn’t stop his eyes from flicking downwards where, thanks to the fact that the pony was lying on its back, he could confirm that it was, in fact, very definitely a pony of the male variety. “Hey, sweetie,” the stallion said, levering itself up into a sitting position and looking towards him. “Everything okay?” Tony’s stammering attempt at a reply was cut off by a feminine voice from behind him. “Just fine, hon,” the voice said. Tony let out a startled grunt and immediately sat up, an action he immediately regretted as pain spiked through his skull and the room tilted and swayed around him. He regretted it even more a moment later when he realized that he was, with the exception of his socks, completely and totally naked. With a hoarse yell, he gathered the blanket up around him as best he could before looking at the other speaker. In the bedroom’s doorway was a small, light blue pegasus mare with a yellow mane and amber eyes. She gave him a quizzical look before looking past him to the stallion he was sharing a bed with. “You guys want breakfast?” the pegasus asked. “I’m no great cook, but I managed to make some haycakes that aren’t too badly burned.” “Haycakes!” the stallion said, rolling out of bed. “Awesome! You’re the best, Sassaflash!” The stallion trotted up to the mare and gave her a quick nuzzle, which she giggled and returned. “How about you, Tony?” Sassaflash asked. “Hungry?” Tony’s stomach did a slow roll at the thought of food. “Thanks, no,” he said slowly. “What the hell happened last night?” The ponies exchanged a glance. “You don’t remember?” the stallion asked. “I… I went out to get a few drinks…” Tony mumbled. “That was a few?” Sassaflash said, eyes wide and disbelieving. Tony ignored the mare’s incredulous tone. “I remember something about singing… And... a statue. Something about some bushes?” Oh, yeah. He’d had to take a leak. He shook his head and hurried on, hoping that he wasn’t in violation of some pony ordinance. “And I think there was some kind of game with peanuts? I don’t remember meeting you guys, though.” “Oh. Well, I’m Caramel,” the stallion said, holding his hoof out. Tony shook it awkwardly. “This is my marefriend, Sassaflash.” “Tony,” Tony replied awkwardly. “Uh. I guess you already knew that?” “Yup!” Caramel grinned and nodded. A silence descended, one that slowly became awkward as the ponies’ smiles slowly went from chipper to confused. “You okay there, Tony?” Caramel asked. “Why was I in bed with you?” Tony blurted out. The two ponies shared a look that lasted until they both grinned at the same moment. “Why do you think, sexy?” Caramel asked, waggling his eyebrows, his voice bright with suppressed laughter. “Gah!” “Oh, don’t tease the poor thing,” Sassaflash said. She sidled up to him and patted him on his blanket-covered leg. “You were having some trouble walking last night, and our house is closer to the bar than the hotel. We let you crash here.” “Oh. Right. Thanks.” Tony looked around the bedroom with his bloodshot eyes. “Uh, where are my pants?” “Washed ‘em,” Caramel said. “You had an…incident last night. They should be up on the line drying, right now.” “Right. Uh.” Tony gathered the blanket around him and stood. “Bathroom?” “Down the hall, first door on your right.” Tony nodded and scurried down the hallway. The ponies shared a laugh, no doubt at his expense, as he closed the door behind him. Damned pony bathroom fixtures, he thought as he looked around. As he’d come to expect, there was a long trough in place of the toilet. The sink was lower than he was used to, and everything was operated by floor pedals. The shower was far too low for a human to use comfortably. He’d be bent almost double trying to rinse off. Tony ran the tap on the sink for a few seconds before vigorously washing his face, scrubbing himself dry with a towel hung up on a nearby rack. He looked at himself in a nearby mirror, taking in the puffy face, the wild hair, the pillow crease along one cheek, and the red-rimmed eyes. I look like death, he thought sourly. After draining his bladder and washing his hands, Tony took a moment to wet down his hair and try to smooth it into some semblance of order. While he was doing that, a knock came from the other side of the bathroom door. “I’ve got your clothes for you,” Sassaflash said. “I’ll just leave them here by the door, okay?” “Thanks,” Tony said. “Hey, wait. They’re dry already?” “Yeah, they’ve been drying all night and out in the sun all morning.” “All morning? What time is it?” “Uh… Almost noon,” Sassaflash replied. “Oh, God,” Tony said. “What’s wrong now?” “Nothing,” Tony replied, all while thinking, Yeah, Jerry’s definitely going to murder me. ”Thanks.” “No problem!” Sassaflash’s hoofsteps faded as she walked away. Tony cracked the door open, scooped his clothes in, and got into them as quickly as he could. His boxers were missing, so he had to go commando. He didn’t want to even think about where they might be and decided to write them off as a loss. He left the bathroom and walked down the hallway, hearing the conversation between the two ponies as he got closer to where he presumed the kitchen was. “I thought humans were supposed to be hairless except for their heads,” Sassaflash was saying softly. “Yeah. I guess that’s wrong,” Caramel replied as he spread jam onto a haycake. “Tony’s got those patches of wiry black hair all over his body. Not enough for a full coat, though. It’s kind of sparse. And his skin is pretty oily.” “Ick,” Sassaflash said with a grimace. “That’s kind of gross.” “Don’t worry,” Caramel assured her. “I’ll wash the sheets after he’s—” he cut off, ears swiveling backwards before he turned and offered up a huge, fake-looking smile. “Heeeey, Tony. Uh. How you doing?” “I, uh… I gotta go,” Tony replied. “My shoes?” “By the front door,” Sassaflash said, pointing a wing. “You don’t want to stay for breakfast?” Tony’s stomach rolled again. “No. Thanks, but no. I gotta get going.” “Alright,” Caramel said. “Let me show you to the door.” The pair proceeded in awkward silence. Tony’s shoes had been discarded by the door, and he hurriedly slipped them on. Caramel watched silently the whole time. “Uh. See ya,” Tony said, opening the door. “Bye,” Caramel said with a little wave. Tony fled into the bright sunlight of a cheery Ponyville day, his head pounding and his skin slick with sweat. A moment later, Caramel’s door closed with a click. He began walking, and quickly realized that he had no idea where he was. Not that it was a big deal. How big could Ponyville be, anyway? ~~*~~ Cody scowled, raising his hand to shield his eyes from the sun as he stared at the flickering yellow lights on the wireless access point. After a few seconds, the lights blinked in unison, flashed twice, then came back as solid green. Cody’s scowl morphed into a satisfied smile. He let out a grunt as he closed the weatherproofed casing back up. This particular wireless access point, situated on the outside of a store called Filly Flowers, was one of a handful of devices that had been stubbornly refusing to connect. After trying to get them all back up remotely for most of the morning, Cody had finally given in and ventured out into the slightly unnerving land of multicolored pony-like creatures in order to power-cycle the blasted things. He took out his tablet and smiled as the color on the mapping application changed from a baleful red to cheerful green. “What are you doing?” a curious voice piped up at him. Cody glanced down to see a little white-coated unicorn with a two-toned pink and purple mane looking up at him with wide green eyes. “You mean with this,” he asked, holding up the tablet, “or the box on the wall?” “Um.” The little pony glanced between the tablet and the WAP. “Um,” she repeated. “Both, I guess?” “Do you know why we’re here?” he asked her. At her hesitant nod, he continued. “Well, this particular box wasn’t working right. I had to power cycle it in order to get it on the network.” “What’s that mean?” “Turning it off and back on again.” “Oh. That works?” Cody chuckled. “A surprising amount of the time, yeah. Turning it off and back on again has been part of the troubleshooting handbook for decades.” He kneeled down to show the tablet to the pony, who approached it skittishly as if it were going to explode or something. Trying on his best smile, Cody pointed at the digital map of Ponyville that was displayed. “See here? This shows how strong the signal is in all the different locations around Ponyville. Dark green means a good, strong signal, like right here. Light green is still good, but not as strong. Yellow is iffy, and red means no signal at all.” He didn’t bother explaining that the map would be much more accurate on Earth, where he could synch his tablet up with GPS satellites for a more accurate placement. He didn’t relish the thought of spending the next hour explaining that to the small filly. He’d had to enter each installation site in manually in order for the app to work. “Oh, I see.” Her little muzzle scrunched up. “I think. So, why is it all red around the edges of Ponyville?” “The town is too big,” Cody said. “It would take a lot more than just the few of us a lot longer than a week to get the whole town wired up.” The pony cocked her head at him. “Wired? I thought this was all wireless.” He chuckled. She reminded him almost of a little dog with her head tilted like that. He quickly quashed the impulse to scratch her between the ears. “Oh, it is. ‘Wiring up’ is just an old term for getting a network set up.” Of course, if he’d had his way, the town would be actually wired up. Fiber—or, at least copper—running between all the access points running back to a central hub. Which definitely would be in a more appropriate location than Erin Olsen’s spare linen closet. “Oh, I get it,” she said. “So, does that mean everything is working now?” “Just about. See these yellow and red blotches on the map here, here and here?” he asked, pointing to each in turn. “Those should all be green, so I have to go figure out why they’re not and go fix them.” The little pony had her muzzle nearly pressed to the tablet’s glass. “That’s… Sugarcube Corner, Barnyard Bargains and… I think the movie theater?” “Yup, that’s right.” Cody straightened up, frowning a little when the pony skittered back from him. He hadn’t meant to startle her. “I have to go see why those access points aren’t working right.” “Can I come with you?” she asked, eyes sparkling as her ears jutted forward. “Uh. Well, it’s not like it’s all that exciting,” he said. It wasn’t that he minded the company, and she was beyond adorable. His seven-year-old daughter, who had been absolutely obsessed with the ponies since she’d seen the first pictures on the internet, would have traded her left arm to be anywhere near this filly. “You’ll probably be bored out of your mind,” he warned her. “No, I won’t!” she promised. “And I won’t get in your way, either. And I promise I won’t try to help.” He puzzled over that last one for a moment before shaking his head. “You what?” The pony wilted, ears drooping as she scuffed at the ground with a hoof. “I only mess things up when I try to help.” “Erk,” was the only thing Cody could say in response to such a perfect picture of pony misery. Every instinct was telling him to gather her up into a hug, but he could only imagine how the ponies would react. If he had to guess, it would be much the same as if he’d tried the same thing with a random human child back on Earth. He cleared his throat. “Well, I’m sure it’s not as bad as all that. Tell you what, I’d be happy for your help.” She looked downright doubtful about that. “You sure? But what if I mess up again?” Cody shrugged. “I trust you,” he said. “If you’re careful, and if you promise to do exactly what I tell you and no more, then it’s my fault if anything goes wrong.” “You mean it? I can help you?” “I’d love your help little filly,” he said. “By the way, my name is Cody.” “Sweetie Belle,” she replied, holding out her hoof. Cody chuckled and lowered himself back down to one knee, reaching out to bump the filly’s hoof with his fist. “Nice to meet you, Sweetie Belle. Now, let’s go fix some wireless access points!” “Yes!” Sweetie Belle cheered, the force of her exclamation seeming to lift all four hooves off the ground in a little hop. “Cutie Mark Crusader wireless access pointer, yay!” His grin froze in confusion. “Huh?” ~~~ As it turned out, Sweetie Belle wasn’t a bad little helper. Cody had no intention of letting her touch anything delicate, but she nearly glowed when he asked her to hold the weather-proofed casing for the various access points. She even tried holding the first one in her magic, her little horn sparking with a flickering green glow before she gave an embarrassed shrug, ending up instead holding it in her forehooves while sitting on her haunches. The whole while, she peppered him with questions, which he was more than happy to answer, even though she didn’t seem to understand most of what he said. There wasn’t a whole lot of thinking to do with this particular task, mostly just opening the case, resetting the equipment and waiting, so a little bit of distracting conversation was actually pretty nice. “They don’t really think,” Cody was saying in response to Sweetie’s last question. The two of them were at the last troublesome access point, which was on the side of Ponyville’s single-screen movie theater. “They process information, very quickly, but they only follow instructions. Computer programs have been getting a lot more capable recently, but we still haven’t crossed the border from ‘smart’ to ‘self-aware’.” “What’s the difference?” Sweetie Belle asked. “Well, let’s take you, for example,” Cody said, watching as the lights on the WAP blinked yellow. “You can learn things all on your own. You can decide to do things, other than what you’re told to do. A computer can’t do that. It can only do what it’s programmed to do.” “Oh…” The filly frowned down at the cover in her hooves. “That makes me kind of sad. For the computers, I mean.” “Well, it’s not like they suffer or anything,” Cody said, nodding in satisfaction as the lights came back up green. “It came back up just fine. Here, let me have that.” He held out his hand towards Sweetie, who obediently passed over the cover. “Computers aren’t self-aware. In other words, they don’t have personalities, or feelings to hurt,” he continued as he snapped the cover back into place. “They can’t get bored or upset. They don’t suffer, because they can’t feel anything.” “Okay,” Sweetie said, sounding a little unconvinced. “I saw my sister’s tablet, though, and it talked to her and understood what she said.” “Yeah. I admit, that can seem pretty strange. But it’s still just a computer program. It’s not even aware of itself as an individual.” Sweetie Belle shook her head. “I get it, I guess.” “Also, computers can’t do abstract thought,” Cody said, making a few notes on his tablet. “What’s that?” “Thinking about things that you don’t have input on. Like daydreaming, or thinking about thinking.” Sweetie’s face screwed up, confused. “Thinking about thinking? I’m not sure I know how to do that, either.” “Are you thinking about how you’re not sure if you know how to think about thinking?” Cody asked, grinning at the little filly as the confused look on her face intensified. “Uh, I guess?” Sweetie ventured. “Congratulations, you’re doing abstract thought!” Cody pulled up the heat map once again, grinning as the color changed to green. “Looks like we’re good. All I have to do now is one last check and go through the logs.” “Can I help with that?” He chuckled at the idea of Sweetie Belle trying to decipher the log files. He didn’t want to disappoint her by saying no, but fortunately, he had an out. “I wasn’t going to do that now. As long as I was out, I was going to take a break for lunch.” “Oh…” Cody smiled down at her. It still hit him, from time to time, how weird it was to essentially be talking to small, alien equines. But her expressions—currently downcast disappointment—and her constant barrage of questions reminded him so much of his own daughter that it was easy to forget that they weren’t human. “You were a great help, Sweetie Belle,” Cody said as he started walking. Sweetie, trotting alongside him, looked up with a disbelieving smile. “Really?” she squeaked. “Yeah, really.” “But all I did was hold stuff.” “Yeah, but that did help. Also, it was fun talking to you. It made things go a lot faster.” “Oh. Well, thanks! It was fun talking to you, too!” They rounded the front of the theater, and once again Cody had to shake his head at the marquee. Wizard of Oz. Someone was taking advantage of the fact that the film had just been released into the public domain, and he was pretty sure he knew who that was. “So, you planning on seeing that movie?” he asked, jerking his thumb towards the marquee. “I think so,” Sweetie said. “It depends on if my parents let me. Or my sister takes me.” She scowled and kicked at the dirt. “I’m not supposed to see movies unless my parents or sister says it’s okay.” “Yeah, parents can be funny with rules like that. If it helps, you can tell them that I let my own daughter watch it. She’s only seven, and she loves it.” “I’ll tell them.” Sweetie smiled up at him. “Anyway, I think it would be fun to see a human movie. We’ve only seen human documentaries at school. Though, they were kind of neat. And in color!” “Hm. What ones did you see?” “Ooh, there was one about volcanoes, and one about dinosaurs, and a bunch about animals, and one about…” she trailed off, looking up at him with huge eyes. “Did humans really land on your moon?” “Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?” “It’s amazing! I wasn’t expecting it to be just rocks and dust, though.” Cody chuckled. The moon landing had happened well before even his grandfather had been born, so it was hard for him to get too excited. It was kind of refreshing hearing the amazement in Sweetie’s voice. She really had made the day much more pleasant. On a whim, he switched directions, heading towards the large, pink gingerbread house of Sugarcube Corner. “You know,” he said as they approached the bakery, “you’ve been a really good assistant today. I was thinking I should give you a reward.” “Really?” Sweetie asked, her voice breaking again. “Yeah. You think your parents would be mad if I bought you a treat here?” Sweetie looked up at the door of Sugarcube Corner while chewing on her lip. “Probably,” she admitted. “Want one anyway?” Cody asked. Sweetie’s grin was all the answer he needed. With a smile, he opened the door for her. ~~*~~ “How the heck did I get myself into this?” Tandy wondered out loud. “Because you were bragging about how fast you were,” Rainbow Dash replied. “You make a claim like that around me, you gotta back that up.” The two of them were currently in one of Ponyville’s parks. Dark green grass tickled at Tandy’s ankles, and she briefly amused herself by wondering if ponies kept the grass short by grazing on it. “I said I was the fastest human on my college’s women’s track team.” Tandy let out a snort while leaning forward over her outstretched left leg. “I didn’t say I wanted to race.” “You’re not backing out, are you?” Dash asked. She was also stretching, extending one leg at a time. “I really just wanted to see how fast humans could be.” “Short, middle or long distance?” Tandy asked, now stretching out over her other leg. “Uh. All three?” “I really don’t feel like running a marathon.” Tandy replied, looking around. A small crowd of curious ponies, having heard the word “race”, had gathered around and were currently engaged in whispered conversations. Tandy was almost certain she saw the glint of bits changing hooves. Great, they’re taking bets, she thought with a roll of her eyes. “Why not?” Dash asked, then added, “What’s a marathon?” “A really long race. About twenty-six miles.” “Whoah, really? Not many ponies run that far in one shot. Not even earth ponies.” She sounded impressed, which brought a grin to Tandy’s face. “Well, it’s not like we’re all-out sprinting that whole time. It takes hours. My record is two hours and twenty minutes at Boston, but that was when I was twenty and thought I might be going to the Olympics. I’m not in that good of shape, anymore.” “I bet I can do it faster,” Rainbow stated. “I’m sure you can. But I don’t want to run that long right now.” A sour look crossed the pegasus’ face. “But you can still run if it’s a short race, right?” “Oh, yeah. I still keep in pretty good shape. I’m just not as crazy about it as I used to be.” She stood up, adjusting her red running shorts until they were comfortable. She felt nicely limber and ready to run. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something…” Rainbow said. “Yeah?” “Didn’t your hair look different yesterday?” “Heh.” Tandy ran a hand over the top of the baseball cap she was wearing. No wig today, not if she was running around and getting sweaty. “I wear wigs, usually.” “Uh.” Rainbow tilted her head quizzically and stared at her. “Why?” Tandy shrugged. “Why not? I like looking different every day. Most people just change clothes, but changing wigs doesn’t take that much time, and I always have a fresh look.” Dash snorted. “I think you’d get along with Rarity. Anyway, you ready?” “I guess,” Tandy replied with a shrug. “So, what’s the finish line?” “How about…” Dash looked off into the distance. “You see that tree?” “The one by itself on that little hill?” “Yeah. I thought we’d start with a short race, just to warm up. First one there wins.” It was only about thirty yards away, up a very slight incline. As Tandy gauged the distance, she felt a little echoing spark of her old competitive spirit. It was a nice feeling, and one she’d dearly missed. “Yeah, got it.” They roped a bystander pony into counting them down. Tandy crouched down into a starter’s position, head down. It had been years since she’d sprinted competitively, but the pose felt just as natural as ever. Tandy grinned. Win or lose, this was going to be fun. “You running on all fours, or something?” Dash asked, giving her a weird look. “Nope. This is just how I like to start running.” Tandy kicked the toes of her running shoes into the earth, trying to give herself as much purchase as possible while wishing she had starting blocks. Rainbow shrugged and lined up. Her own starting position just had her standing almost normally, though with her head down and her front legs slightly bent. “Ready!” said their starter-pony, a mare with a silver mane and a light blue coat. “Set!” Tandy brought her knee up off the ground, her muscles coiled like a spring and ready to explode. She felt the grass under her palms, and the rich smell of the soil filled her nose on every inhale. It was a moment of suspended potential, just waiting for the word to release her. “Go!” shouted the mare, and Tandy launched herself forward nearly as smoothly as she had in her college days. A startled protest from Rainbow Dash sounded from behind her, but it barely registered. All of her focus was on the tree, which was getting steadily closer as her long legs flashed over the ground. The wind rushed over her skin as her hands, flat as blades, sliced through the air at her sides. She didn’t slow down until she was past the tree. Dash trotted up a few seconds later with a scowl on her muzzle. “Okay, that was pretty fast,” the pegasus admitted. “I guess that starting pose of yours is worth something, even though it looks ridiculous.” “It’s not ridiculous if I win,” Tandy pointed out with a grin. Dash grimaced. “Fine! Want to try again?” “Sure. Pick your target.” Tandy waited for the rest of the pony crowd to trot up while Dash looked around the park. “That slide over there,” the mare said, pointing a hoof at some nearby playground equipment. Tandy judged it to be about one hundred and fifty yards away. Still within sprinting range, with the course running gently downhill. Time to see if the internet was right about bipeds versus quadrupeds in short races. “Fine by me.” Once again, they got into their starting positions, and once again the silver-maned mare counted them down. There was no surprised shout from Rainbow Dash this time, only the furious pounding of her hooves as Tandy loped down the gentle hill towards the slide. She maintained a steady speed for most of the race, kicking it into high gear once the slide was only about twenty yards away and pushing for all she was worth. It was a near thing, but Dash managed to pass her at the last second, zipping past the slide a split-second before Tandy managed the same. Her confident smirk back on her muzzle, she turned to Tandy and said, “Well, that was still pretty good, but it looks like I won.” “Congratulations,” Tandy said, grinning back. She’d worked up a little bit of a sweat, now, and her muscles were nice and loose. “That satisfy your curiosity?” “I want to try a long race,” Dash said. “I said I didn’t want to do a marathon,” Tandy reminded her. “Just a couple of miles,” Dash pleaded. “Come on, you’re not afraid, are you?” “Afraid of what?” Tandy replied, rolling her eyes. “Afraid I might lose? I’d have to care, first.” Rainbow looked at her with wide, purple eyes. “You… you don’t care about winning or losing?” Tandy snorted and shook her head. “Nah. My competitive days are long over. You want a real long-distance race, you should try Emil Okar.” Rainbow tilted her head quizzically. “Who’s that?” “Just the last World and Olympic champion long-distance runner. He’d be better at showing you how fast humans can be over marathon distances.” “Okay, what is ‘Olympic’?” “The Olympics are a contest that happen every four years where the world’s best all compete.” “Huh. Can’t be the best,” Rainbow said with a smirk. “They’ve never invited me.” Rolling her eyes, Tandy shrugged. “Whatever. Anyway, I guess we’ll just have to call our races a tie.” Dash’s head drew back sharply. “What? No! I won that race!” “And I won the first one. So, we’re tied, one each.” The pegasus blinked at her for a few seconds. “What. No! No way! Now you have to race me!” It seemed like Dash was the type to take a tie as less than a victory. Tandy’s grin widened. “Nah. I think I’m done. It was fun, Dash, but I’m going to head back to the hotel now.” “Oh, come on!” Dash lifted off the ground as Tandy started walking, flitting in circles around her head. “Please? One little race! Just through Whitetail woods! It’ll be fun! I won’t even try my hardest! Please?” “Rainbow, no,” Tandy said, starting to get annoyed. “You want to do a race, but there’s no course set up. I’d have no idea where I was running to!” “There is a course! It’s the one we use during the Running of the Leaves!” “Yeah, and I’m not familiar with it,” Tandy said. “I’d have no idea where I was going.” “That’s no problem as long as you don’t fall too far behind to see me.” Tandy stopped, staring at the pegasus with narrowed eyes. “Oh, it is on, little pony.” Dash pumped a forehoof in the air. “Yes!” She might end up regretting it, but there was no way that Tandy was going to let Dash get away with that kind of cocky attitude. “Lead the way to the course, pony,” she said. “You got it, human!” Dash said, flitting up higher in the air. “Keep up if you can!” Rainbow shot off into the sky as if fired from a bow. Tandy groaned, wondering what she’d gotten herself into, then loped off after her. ~~*~~ Jerry sighed, bracing himself to do one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do in his life. “I’m sorry, Pinkie Pie. But my answer is still no.” Pinkie’s lower lip wobbled dangerously. “But whyyyyy?” “We’re leaving on the noon train out of town tomorrow. There won’t be time for a big party.” There was no shift to the pleading look on Pinkie’s face, so he tried for a compromise. “Why can’t the party be tonight?” Pinkie Pie pouted. “I can’t tonight. The Cakes need me to babysit for them. It has to be tomorrow! Are you sure you just can’t leave later?” Jerry shook his head and continued packing up his suitcase. “Sorry, it’s the schedule we were given. Not to mention, if we don’t get back to Canterlot in time, we might miss the portal to Earth for this week. If we miss the portal, then we don’t get to go home.” “Yeah…” Pinkie sat down and rubbed a hoof along her jaw, an expression of deep thought on her face. “And if your Farewell Party makes it so you can’t leave, that will be like one of those paradox things Twilight is always talking about.” Jerry stopped packing for a moment, trying to absorb that logic. “If you say so, Pinkie,” he said eventually. “Oh well,” Pinkie said, slumping and walking towards the door. “I guess I’ll just have to give up on the idea of having a Farewell Party for all of you.” “Sorry, Pinkie,” Jerry said, for what felt like the hundredth time since Pinkie had shown up in his room. He stared at the door for a minute or so after she left, then went back to packing his things. He was almost done when a wild-eyed Tony burst into the room, reeking of sweat and with his clothes horribly wrinkled. “This town is bigger than I thought!” Jerry folded his arms across his chest and scowled. “Got an explanation for where you were last night?” “It’s no big deal,” Tony said, suddenly very interested in a flaw in some of the wooden trim on the wall. “I just stayed with some friends last night.” “Don’t tell me. You meet these friends at a bar?” “Okay, yeah, I had a couple of drinks. Nothing too serious, I swear!” “Right,” Jerry said. “By the way, a nice mare by the name of Sassaflash stopped by this morning.” It was an effort to keep the scowl on his face when Tony’s face morphed to one of pure terror. It helped that he was still more pissed off than he was amused. “She said she’d forgotten to get some of your clothes off of the clothesline.” He jerked his thumb towards Tony’s bed, where a pair of boxers were prominently displayed. “You want to explain to me how a pegasus mare managed to get a pair of your underwear?” Tony stammered and stuttered for a minute before blurting out, “It ain’t what you think! I was coming home after the bar and I fell into a pond. That pony was nice enough to let me crash at her place while my clothes dried.” Jerry nodded and lost the scowl. “All very reasonable.” Tony sagged with relief. “Yeah. I mean, I would have called you if Ponyville had cell service, right? Let you know what was up. But you know me, man. I wouldn’t do anything to embarrass the team, right? I was on my best behavior, I swear it!” “Right,” Jerry said, nodding. “Well, you’d better get showered. I can smell you from here, man.” “Damn. Okay. I’ll go do that.” Tony scampered off. Jerry shook his head and shoved the last few items he wouldn’t need tonight into his luggage. Sassaflash had stuck around for a few minutes after dropping off the boxers, which Jerry had been tempted to tell her to drop in the garbage. Or maybe to just burn them. He’d gotten a much clearer picture of what had happened last night than what Tony had told him, and the very last straw was the lies the other man had told him. If Tony had come clean, he might have gotten away with another written warning. As it was, Tony would be looking for a new position after their return to Earth. The man was just too big a liability. The fact that they’d been coworkers for decades couldn’t be allowed to alter that decision. It didn’t mean that he was happy about it, though. He glared at Tony’s bed, which still had the pair of boxers resting on top of it like a beacon of shame and regret. “Screw it,” Jerry muttered. “I’m going for a walk.” He left the room in a foul mood and almost collided with a sweat-soaked Tandy coming up the stairs. “Oh, hey boss,” Tandy said with a weary grin. She wasn’t wearing her expected wig, instead opting for a baseball cap with the Windy City Thunderbolts logo across the front. Sweat was soaked into the band of the cap, and Tandy herself looked more than a little shaky. “Okay. What the hell happened to you?” “Got into a race with a pony and lost,” Tandy said, still grinning. “Made the little punk sweat for it, though.” “A race?” “Through a forest called Whitetail Woods. Beautiful place, I wouldn’t mind running it again.” She wiped a hand over her face. “But now I need a shower. Desperately.” “You’ll have to wait. Tony’s in there now.” Tandy grimaced. “Damn, really?” She shuddered. “Ugh. I hate using the shower after him. I always feel like I need to clean it first.” She perked up suddenly, her grin reappearing on her face as if by magic. “Oh! Maybe I can just go swimming. I won’t even need to worry about cleaning my swimsuit. Ponies don’t have anti-nudity laws, right?” Jerry didn’t have a chance to respond to that before Tandy turned and shot back down the stairwell, waving a hand in farewell before she disappeared around the corner. ~~~ It was very close to a perfect day, which went a long way towards alleviating Jerry’s foul mood. The unrelenting cheerfulness of the ponies of Ponyville did the rest of the job. Every time he made eye contact, he was met with a smile and a nod, and cheery hellos followed him wherever he went. That was a far cry from where they’d started nearly a week earlier. When the team had first arrived, the typical pony reaction had been wariness tempered with careful curiosity. Now, though, it seemed like the ponies in general accepted them all. There were a few exceptions, obviously—ponies who refused to make eye contact, who stopped and stared, or who retreated from any humans they saw. But Ponyville in general had become as open and inviting as any small town Jerry had ever visited. More so than most, if he were to be honest. So, his mood had improved considerably by the time he reached the small park. The grasses in the park were a little longer than he was used to back home, and there were a startling number of statues—mainly of ponies in various poses, though there were a few that looked a lot more abstract. Little dirt footpaths wound their ways between the low, flower-covered hills and the occasional fountain, and ponies of all colors and descriptions were wandering around and chatting with one another. It was, in fact, far too interesting of a place to not sit down and soak in a little bit of the atmosphere. He found a bench—wrought iron with wood slats—and lowered himself into it. It was a bit closer to the ground than he was used to, but it was comfortable enough, especially with his legs sprawled out in front of him. Jerry closed his eyes and leaned back, breathing in the smell of green grass and flowers. His tension flooded away and he found himself nearly dozing after an unknown period of time. A rustling to his left roused him and he opened his eyes to see a tiny orange pegasus with a purple mane staring at him. “Hey,” the pegasus filly said. “Hay is for horses,” Jerry said, then winced. The response, honed through decades of being a dad and granddad, had popped out without any direct input from his brain. The filly gave him a look that started out confused before changing to the realization that she might just be dealing with an idiot. “Yes,” she said, drawing the word out. “Also for ponies. Anyway, can I ask you something?” In for a penny, in for a pound, Jerry decided. “You just did.” The pegasus hesitated and then nodded, clearly decided that she was, in fact, dealing with an idiot. “Can I ask my question or not?” “Sure, go ahead.” “Do humans have sports?” Jerry sat up and regarded her solemnly. “Sports,” he repeated, as if he’d never heard the word before. “Yeah, you know… Hoofball, cloudball, races, archery… sports, you know?” “Archery? How the heck does a pony…” Jerry stopped. That way madness lay. “Nevermind. Yeah, we have sports. All kinds, really.” The filly perked up, her eyes sparkling. “What kind of sports?” “Well, we don’t have hoofball, but we do have football. Two different kinds, in fact. No cloudball, but we have basketball. And races? Kid, if it involves movement, a human will figure out a way to make a race out of it.” Tiny orange wings buzzed on the filly’s back. “Cool! Can you tell me about them?” “What, races?” “No! Human sports.” “Which ones?” “All of them!” Jerry stared at her for a long moment before breaking into a low chuckle. It wasn’t exactly how he was planning on spending his afternoon, but he could think of worse ways. “Alright,” he said. “Let’s start out with hockey, the most important sport of all.” ~~~ Chaos. That was the best way to describe the events that preceded the humans arriving at the train station. Mixed up luggage, a lack of packing, desperate last-minute organization, the works. It didn’t help that Radio Wave, the pony technician who was supposedly going to be responsible for maintaining the gear that the humans had installed, had insisted on asking dozens of last-minute questions about the gear, as well. If Jerry were to guess, it would actually be Erin Olsen who ended up doing the tech support for the town. Radio Wave seemed much more likely to break something while trying to fix it. Erin, at least, was familiar with human technology. Which is why he’d left a copy of basic troubleshooting steps for both Radio Wave and Erin. They’d finally arrived at the station, just in time to board their train and pile into their reserved car. Shortly after that, there was a jerk, and Ponyville started dropping off behind them. Jerry slumped in his seat with a sigh. There had been issues, sure, but everything had worked out in the end. If he were to be completely honest, the project had gone much smoother than he’d anticipated. The sour knot that had formed in his gut over the last few days was starting to unravel, his shoulders already felt lighter, and his good mood was starting to return. He’d worked himself into a tizzy, expecting something to go wrong at the last minute. Experience had told him that there would always be a last-minute— “Surprise!” a pony shouted in his ear. Jerry shouted and flinched away from Pinkie Pie, who was smiling far wider than physics or biology should have allowed. He stared at her, and he wasn’t the only one. All conversation had come to a halt, and every human in the car was staring at the pink apparition who, Jerry was certain, hadn’t been in the train car just a moment earlier. “Where the heck did you come from?” he managed to ask once his pulse dropped back to near-normal. Pinkie tilted her head. “Well, when a mommy and a daddy pony who own a rock farm love each other very much—” “No, I mean... How did you get in here?” “Through the door, silly!” Jerry blinked at Pinkie. Pinkie smiled back. “Okay. So. What are you doing here?” Pinkie’s grin, unbelievably enough, managed to get even bigger. “It’s time for your Farewell Party, of course!” She leaned closer and said in a stage-whisper that could be heard through the whole carriage, “I couldn’t let you leave without one. And this way, you won’t miss your train, because you’re already on it!” He couldn’t argue with that logic. “Alright, Pinkie. You win.” “Yay!” Pinkie cried out, and from somewhere, she pulled out a freaking cannon and set it off in the small confines of the train car, causing everyone to shriek and hunker down, and making Jerry wonder if this was how he was going to die before he became aware of the confetti. There was a lot of confetti. Also streamers, perfectly set up all over the car. And a banner that read “Goodbye humans! We’ll miss you!”, which appeared to be covered in signatures. And a cake. A cake which was set up on a table that Jerry honestly couldn’t recall being there a moment earlier. Next to the cake was a nearly-overflowing punchbowl. Jerry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Trying to figure out how Pinkie had managed it was sure to fracture his brain. It was better to just let it go and enjoy himself. “Alright, everyone,” Jerry said as he stood up. “Let’s get this party started!” Cheers from the team answered him. It was, by far, the most unusual project-end celebration he’d ever attended. And, he reflected as he ate some of the delicious cake, he wouldn’t have changed a thing. Except for finding the Cutie Mark Crusaders stowed away in their luggage, that is. He could have lived without that.