You close the door behind you when you step inside your home. It was kind of the restaurant not to charge for the wine, but it's the last thing that's on your mind.
Dash... loves you. The words weigh on you like a cross on your back. You take a deep breath, and try to breathe out your anxiety, but you aren't that lucky. You drag your feet across the floor of your home and walk upstairs.
How could you not have seen the signs, you idiot. You could say some witty line about hindsight, but what's the point? Now she doesn't even want to be around you. Because it hurts her too much.
It makes sense, that feeling that you had towards Applejack must have been doubled inside of Dash. And then, you let her watch as you asked a different pony out. The thing she probably dreamed about was happening directly in front of her eyes like some horrific nightmare that she couldn't stop. And she still took the time to be your best friend after that.
She... did everything she could for you to be happy. But it hurt her. It hurt her that she couldn't have you.
And, you aren't sure how that makes you feel.
You have all of this knowledge and you aren't sure what to do with it. Rainbow Dash is in love with you. The words swirl through your head, but the very phrase seems... like some terrible joke. You enter your bedroom and stare directly at the bed.
A memory of Rainbow peacefully lying in bed enters your mind like an unwanted house guest. You feel as if a stab of pain rings through your chest and through your whole frame. Then, the picture exits your mind, and instead leaves unmade covers of an empty bed. And, you feel warm. Your fingers trace the side of the bed where she laid, and you feel a dull prickle run up your arm, as if your fingertips were numb and blood flow were returning to your limbs. You bite your bottom lip and turn away.
No. She loves you, and it hurts her for you to be around.
You turn away and move to the bedroom window. Outside you see the tree that's not far off from your front door. The tree Dash decorated for your Christmas. She knit you that scarf by hoof. She probably had to -learn- how to knit. How could you not see this? It's so obvious. What the fuck is wrong with you, you pathetic-
You place a hand to your forehead and shake your head.
"Being mean to myself isn't going to solve anything."
You move to your bed and lie down.
"And it won't bring her back."
You ponder over the words you just said. They came naturally. You didn't even think, you just did. Did you really want her back?
Well, of course. She's your best friend. Losing a best friend is hard on anyone. Why wouldn't it be? All you have now is the good times.
When she tried to impress you one day after walking home. Dancing with her. Letting her sleep on you at the movie theater. Laying beside each other out at the lake.
An ache forms in your chest as you roll to your side of the bed, where you woke up to see Rainbow sleeping beside you.
Suddenly, your bed feels as if it stretches for miles. Empty. Quiet. You're alone. The world is a cold, quiet, small place. And you are trapped. And you pushed away the one pony who you understood. The one pony that understood you. Who with the time flew and the two of you could accomplish anything, no matter what the difficulty. Who you could lean on through thick and thin.
You made each other happy. And you broke it apart like a child squishing a helpless ant. And the ant still tried to help the child tie his shoes.
Reaching out your hand to the empty bedside, you're greeted by nothing but cold sheets. How are you going to handle spending the rest of your days in Equestria? There's no known way back to Earth. There's not much else really here in Ponyville.
Why DID you stay in Ponyville at all?
You scoot over to the side where Rainbow laid, not wanting to see where she was anymore. Not wanting to get that peaceful, happy image of her laying beside you out of your head.
You bury your face into the pillow, and you smell something. The faint scent of blueberries. The smell of Rainbow Dash's mane conditioner. And then, you close your eyes. But not to sleep. You close your eyes, because you feel like a part of you is leaking. You're slowly breaking, oozing out the essence of who you are and who you were, steadily morphing yourself into an empty husk.
Maybe it's what you deserve.
"I wish I knew," you murmur.
Then what? What would you do with that knowledge? Are you feeling guilty because you broke her? Are you feeling bad that you hurt her feelings? Because what would be worse would be to date her just because she wants to. If your heart isn't really in it... then what sort of relationship is that? Are you really that scummy of a person? That would be an all new low for you, Anon.
Taking a deep breath, you roll over and stare at the ceiling.
Except, maybe you need to just... not think. You open your mouth and say the facts out loud.
"Rainbow is gone. And I feel broken," you pause, letting a silence hang in the air.
"I don't know what I'm going to do now... I feel like there's a hole in my chest." You pause for a moment. "My heart."
You look to the alarm clock on the bedside table. It reads 12:00 AM.
"She's smart. Funny. Takes care of herself... and I can tell her absolutely anything."
You sit up in bed, clutching the bed sheets. You think of that kiss. You think of the way it made you feel whole. Just thinking about it makes your lips tingle. You bring a finger to your lips and furrow your brow.
"And I need her. I need her in my life."
You leap to your feet. You don't care how late it is. You don't care how much it might hurt you. You run down the stairs so fast that you almost fall down. You run to your closet and immediately find the scarf she made you, out in the open. The first thing you grab whenever it's chilly out. As if your subconscious has known all along that you were too stupid to realize.
The door slams loudly on the way out of your home. Your eyes focus on the path to Rainbow Dash's cloud home. Your legs take off as fast as they can carry you.
The fact is, this may be your one shot. And you aren't going to waste it. Even if she says no, after all the horrible things you put her through, you have to try.
Because if you don't, you know you'll regret it the rest of your life.