Slowly I began to regain conciousness as I awoke from my sleep. I lay there, trying to recollect the previous days memories and then I felt the gravity of the situation finally bearing down on me. Tomorrow I was going to have to make an impression on nobles from across the globe, ones which I had no clue on the background of them. First things first, I need to get a shower, or at least some sort of bath. They really hadn’t given me anything really to wash myself, and as it is, I smell in lots of places, mouth included. I suppose I’d better go and ask them for some amenities and supplies now.
Easing myself over the edge of the bed, I sat and faced the large mirror in front of me. “Hello?” I called out towards them, my voice a little mumbled from only just getting up.
“Good Morning Tommy, have a pleasant sleep?” It wasn’t anyone I had heard before. It was feminine and sounded bright and joyful.
“Yes thanks. Is it possible to get a shower or bath?”
“Oh yes, of course. We don’t want you to be too smelly, would we now? Do you require anything else?”
“Erm… yes, in fact I do. I need a toothbrush and toothpaste as well. Is that possible?”
“Oh yes, that is quite possible. Just wait a moment darling and we’ll be back before you know it.” I couldn’t help feeling like I had forgotten something, something that had been been bothering me for quite sometime. Oh yeah, that was it, massive hunger pangs that coursed through me every so often.
“Could I get something to eat as well, I’m starving as it is.”
“Oh yes of course deary. There should be something waiting for you after you finish cleaning yourself.” At that comment, my stomach let out a pained moan. Yeah, yeah, just hold on there little guy.
Looking to the base of my bed, I found my suedes tucked slightly out of view. Inside were the pair of socks, by now there were really starting too reek, despite my lack of physical activity. Pulling on the black fabric, I let my mind wonder to what I could possibly say to there dignitaries. For sure, I couldn’t act like a massive asshole. Yes, I know what I’ve been doing to Celestia and Luna and I feel a little sorry for that, but I couldn’t really too sorry, considering the fact that I had basically been locked up in a cell and I had had to do my business in a weird sort of bucket they floated in here when I complained I needed to shit or piss.
But these creatures were leaders of their respected areas or whatever, which if I offend they could just hire an assassin to go and shank me or strangle me in a broom closet or something. My clothes still wouldn’t be the best either, considering A. The fact they are starting to smell, or B. The fact it had an alien space monster with half of its fucking head torn open exposing weird green and red bubbling flesh. Some of them seem less threatening then the others though. All the ones with ‘King’ or ‘Queen’ seemed to have some intimidating or ‘scary’ sounding name to them, where as the princes and princesses seemed to have much more lax and silly sounding names. Seeing that I am the only one of my species, that seems to be a massive indication that I am going to have to be an ambassador, not only for my me, but my entire species and planet, whom had not a fucking clue that a semi intelligent metal head is going to attend a summit for a bunch of mythical talking creatures. I just pray to Ra, Odin, Zeus, whatever, that I get out of this with my head still on my shoulders.
However, I won’t be alone in the summit. I still have the princesses who I hope will try to cover my ass in the event of offending one of them, plus I am technically under their custody/care, so I at least have some protection in this place. Maybe the voice will give me some guidance on what to do, cause I feel like I’m going to need his help quite a bit.
‘You called?’
Hullo again, now down to business I suppose.
‘Business? Who are you and what have you done with the real Tommy?’
Yeah, thanks… Anyway I need you to give me some guidance on what to do when meeting them. I mean, I can’t exactly act the way I have been doing recently, because you know… I don’t want to piss off some dragon or minotaur or whatever they have in this fucked up world that is apparently sapient.
‘Yeah, yeah I know this has gotta’ be really big for you. On a side note thanks for the recommendations, Fury was awesome.’
Dude, that’s really not helping right now. I really starting to get freaked the fuck out about this situation right now.
‘What’s there to worry about? You’ve been in front of large crowds before and you don’t mind making a bit of an ass of yourself.’
OK, big difference there. I don’t honestly care what some random middle class guy thinks of me strutting around on stage. I DO care about being in front of a world leaders that could condemn me if I screw up even a little bit.
‘I’m sure they will understand. I mean, if it was an actual ambassador and they completely bucked up and offended them, I would expect them to be coming hard down on their plot. However, you are just a random guy who just so happens to be from another dimension or planet or whatever. Point is, if you fuck up and offend them, they have to show some tact and understanding, considering the fact you got here around a week ago and have little to no understanding of their culture. If you deliberately try to piss them off and its obviously deliberate and not being unknowledgeable of their customs, I would expect some issues. So just treat them with respect and use manners and answer any questions within reason and you should be fine.’
Thanks, I really needed that. Anyway I guess I will leave you to your own devices or whatever. You know, since we are gonna’ be bound together for a long time, I suppose I better give you a name. Something that will fit the situation I’m in right now… AH I got it! Your name is Richtofen now!
‘What, like the crazy, psychopathic butcher of a human? THAT RICHTOFEN?’
Well, yes, I mean its fits with the crazy, fucked up situation I’m in right now and
‘NO!’
Spoil sport. Anyway I’ll see…er, think you around then.
‘Bye.’
And with that there was a knock at my door. I don’t really know why they needed to knock, considering the fact that they know when I’m dressed or not and I am still a prisoner under their jurisdiction or whatever. I hear the heavy bolts slide open and the loud clunks of the locking mechanism before the door is slowly eased open. There were two of those guards standing there, one gave me a look of disgust and curiosity for a second. The other gave a small smile, I think, before adopting a stoic, expressionless look like the other. The one on the left gestured to me with his spear, which is somehow being held in its hoof, despite the obvious lack of any fingers to grasp said pointed stick.
Pulling myself off the bed very gradually, I eventually rose to a standing position, albeit a little hunched over due to the pain that still resided in my back. Sigh, I just hope I don’t get into any more situations where I have to get myself injured in some way. Finally making my way to the door, I took a position between the two guards, one in front and the other behind me. Clearly they don’t want me escaping, although I am in condition to try and escape from a bunch of trained guards standing no less than 4 feet away. As we emerged from the cell, I noted how it appeared that the room was located in a different part of the facility, compared to the standard medical room I was put into during my coma.
The walls were still had the same gleaming, well maintained loom that the previous area had, however, unlike the other area, there seemed to be no windows, just a line of about nine or ten doors which led to a small staircase. The front one gestured with a hoof again, pointing toward the stairs. As we began to walk, I wondered what the outside world would properly look like. Yes, I know I did technically see it, but I was in the middle of escaping from a castle, chased by a huge number white armoured guards. Huh, now that I said it, all the guards that I’ve seen were white coated, and for that matter, they all look exactly the same. Glancing behind me, then to the stallion in front, they were, apart from a slight hight difference, completely identical. Their eyes, the same deep blue. Their coats, the same shade of ivory white. The only guard I saw that had a different look to him was that Major, erm, something, I dunno. But I remember his armour looked slightly more embellished and his eyes were a deep yellow colour, almost golden. Either Celestia has some sort of cloning machine to make more of these guys, or she has a very racist restriction on who can join the guard. Or magic, because that’s my go to response for anything I have no fucking clue about in this strange world. My mind told me that it had taken a vacation as it too had not a clue about what was going on in this messed up place. I think I agree with that notion, though I can’t exactly go on holiday when I’m being guided through a medical/detention facility on my way to make myself look pretty for a dragon and a yak. I really wish that had been some stupid joke, but I’m really going to be judged by a bloody YAK of all things.
Why does this world confuse me so?
I wish I had my I-phone with me right now to try and drown out my panic inducing thoughts, but alas, it was sitting inside my bag right now, surrounded by a the huge quantity of books that somehow managed to fit inside the wormhole that was the inside of my school bag. If only I drank, I could sit down in a corner and complain about wanting drink to waste my thoughts, but no, I never cared about the stuff. True, I did bring some cans or a large bottle of alcohol to the very rare parties I went to, but I never wanted to drink the intoxication stuff and, after some forced drinks by my brother, I absolutely hated the stuff. In fact, I hate fizzy drinks for that matter. Getting sidetracked quite a lot, sorry about that. Its just so easy to let your mind wonder when you have nothing to do or an insanely simple and boring task, such as following guards to what I assume are the wash rooms.
After walking down another sterile passage, though it had some potted plants and a few paintings (including one with a blue maned, pink pegasus striking a defiant pose in front of a cloud bank. She looked a little like Rainbitch, though her name was ‘Firefly’, written in what I suppose was pegasus script along the bottom.), we stopped at a pair of doors. The one on the left had a blue pony, the one on the right had a pink one. Guessing that I need to go into the blue one then. Pushing open the door I stepped inside, followed by one the guards, the other standing by the door.
The inside of the wash room was, varied, to say the least. There was a wall which helped to give a little privacy to the stallions that came in here, which you had to walk around in order to get inside. In one corner was a small row of sinks, the ceramic gleaming in the artificial white light above. Lining the walls was what I could accurately describe as a clean version of my old schools showers. There were a multitude of shower heads, each with a two taps beneath each one, one for hot and one for cold. I noted there were absolutely no privacy screens, like at all. I guess in a world where you don’t wear clothes, being seen cleaning yourself in the open isn’t really that big a step up in all honesty. Plus, this was the males wash room, so it isn’t exactly like anything intimate would happen here. Near the closest sink on a small wooden seat was a large folded towel. On top of it were some cleaning products, including a bar of soap and a small pink coloured bottle I assumed to be shampoo, as well as a large yellow sponge. The only other items I could see happened to be a blue generic looking toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste that looked a little like Colgate.
Now, I doesn’t exactly take a genius to realise that if I wanted a shower, I was going to have to strip naked and go take a shower whilst another living thing was watching to make sure I didn’t do anything to escape. I could potentially wear my boxers, but I would either have to walk around in sopping wet underpants, or go commando, neither of which looked very appealing to me. I could change in one of the toilet cubicles, but I would still be naked when I came to do my cleansing. I decided to just get it over with quickly, like the guard would actually properly watch me washing. He would probably just look to the corner of the room and just look anywhere that wasn’t at me. I hope.
I turned to him, looking at me with a blank expression, though it looked, slightly off. Yeah, listen too me, judging a horses expression like it was a human. Though these ponies did seem to somehow have just as expressive features as we did. “Right, I’m… erm, going to get undressed now.” I said at him. I swear he twitched a smile for a second as he nodded in confirmation, but it must be my imagination, right? Turning away from him, I walked to chair and began to strip. I felt so self concious, but what did it really matter? It wasn’t like he was a member of the public. He was just a guard sent to govern the showering of a hairless ape creature. Letting out a sigh, I pulled off my shoes and socks, placing my feet on the cold, white tiled floor beneath me, which sent a small shiver up my legs. Pushing them under the seat, I removed my shirt, pulling the garment over my slightly chubby body. I mean, I’m not fat, I work out fairly regular and eat sensible portions, but I wouldn’t exactly call myself rail thin or ripped, just a slight bit of pudge that was a little soft to the touch. Folding it up and placing it on my shoes, I loosened the studded belt and began to undo the buttons of my jeans. I slowly dragged them down my legs, still self concious about the whole ordeal. My mind was screaming at me to just forget the shower and just splash some water on myself. As much as I wanted to do that and get this out of the way, it would be just as awkward explaining to the guard why I had stripped almost naked, then immediately put the clothes back on after that. Now, the hardest part, taking off my boxers. It, just felt, wrong. I mean, at public showers in swimming pools, you would every so often see older men wearing nothing on them. I would always take the farthest one possible from them, trying in vain to not look at them. It kinda made me feel nauseous really, due to their usually not so pleasant appearance. Ugh… getting sidetracked.
Grasping the blue elastic waistband, I quickly pulled them down and put them onto the pile of clothes. I figured I might was well get it over quickly, like how one would tear a plaster/bandaid off quickly to get it over with. Letting out another sigh, I grabbed the various bits of required cleaning equipment and trotted off towards the shower. Heh heh, trotted. Approaching the middle one, I stepped over the raised block, meant for preventing water from spilling everywhere. Grasping the taps, I fiddled with the temperature for a little while, eventually getting a mildly hot spray going. It was, pleasant. All I could hear was the sound of water spattering me and the floor and I just let the water roll over me. The only unpleasant thing was the guard, who, when I turned around once in a while, would try too look else where, usually ending up being part of his armour or a very interesting looking sink. This is so wrong…
After a few minutes of scrubbing and relaxation, I finally turned off the taps and turned to my clothes and towel to get dressed and dried. Looking over to the stallion as I walked, I noticed his eye line was looking a little too far south for my liking. Sigh… can this guy stop staring at me like that? It’s really getting bloody creepy.
“Can you please stop looking?” I really wasn’t in the mood for a guy like this. Seeming to break him out of his trance, he looked up at me and gave a sly smile. I really don’t like where this is going.
“Well, if your don’t want me too look, why do you have it out in the first place?” I gave a small grin and took a few steps towards me. Oh shit, this guy clearly has some issues and WAIT, what did he mean by ‘have it out’.
“What did you mean when you said, have it out?” I said, slightly nervously. Look, I’ll admit it, I swing both ways, but that doesn’t mean I want to go do it with A) a creepy guard who has his priorities out of whack and B) the fact he is a weird mutant horse with massive eyes.
“Come on, don’t play dumb. If you didn’t want me, why take it out of your sheath.” He said in what I could only guess was a seductive look, but really it only sounded like he was about to commit rape, oh yeah. Oh, oh, oh, right… I see the problem here.
“Humans don’t have sheaths. That’s part of the reason why we wear clothes.” I dead panned. This seemed to phase him, with the hint of a blush creeping into his cheeks. Letting out a disgruntled sigh, I walked over the towel. Suddenly he reached around me and fucking TOUCHED ME in the my junk. My mind suddenly just started to blare alarms. It was the rape alarm and I didn’t need telling twice that this decision was bad news. NO, you can’t play back there, “Get the FUCK OFF ME!!!!!” Without thinking, I slammed my elbow into his forehead, right under the helmet. This was followed by a satisfying CRACK as I connected with him. This was then followed by a thump as his body collapsed on the floor. Turning around to finally face him, I could see that there was a large bruise in the middle of his forehead. I don’t know how you could see a purpley-red mark under white fur, but whatever. Then the gravity of what I had done just hit me like a freight train full of bombs. I had just assaulted and knocked out a royal guard. Oh shit… They are never going to believe me when I say he had tried to sexually assault me. Wait, hold the phone… I can get away with this. The royal sisters seem to be able to distinguish lies from truths. I mean, when I said those fairly convincing lies, they just shrugged them off. Hell yeah, I’m saved!
In that second however, the door burst open the reveal the second guard, looking visibly shocked and panicked as he looked over at his unconscious comrade. Pointing his spear towards me, he gave me a steely glare. “Get down on the floor now, you worthless maggot!” Quickly obliging, I dropped to my knees and put my arms on my head, all whilst I was still naked. If this wasn’t so serious, I probably would make a sex joke out of this, but I decided against this. I was going to open my mouth to try and plead, but he twisted the spear around and struck my jaw. Instantly pain rocketed through it, leaving me quite surprised that it didn’t break. “Did I tell you to talk, you bucking piece of shit!” I watched in both horror and slightly morbid fascination as he drew his spear back to hit me again. I closed my eyes, waiting for the blow, but it never came. Opening and eye, I saw the guard looking towards the spear head looking bewildered. Following his gaze, I saw a floating talon, about the size of my hand, grasping the end of the point-ed sick. OK, I’ve seen some weird shit in the past but, that, that takes the cake.
After a few more seconds of gazing at this apparition, a body materialised behind it, and hot damn, was it a body. I guess it looked like a dragon at first glances, but the way it was shaped, just, freaky. It looked to be made out of parts of many different creatures, just like in lots of ancient mythologies, such as sphinxes and manticores. It had a long brown body, which joined to 4 completely different limbs. Lion paw, lizard and pony legs, this was starting to get really freaky. As well as this, it was tall. I know I reach Celestia’s height(minus horn) when standing, but he towered over the cowering stallion. I just smiled and plucked the spear from the stallions grasp, then turned it into a long stick of rock, like you get at the seaside. I wish I was making this up. I so, so wished I would wake from this nightmare. The guard just grew more frightened, then he was interrupted by a burst of laughter from the satanic being.
“HAHAHAH, OH HAHAHA HA, you should see the look on your face, PRICELESS!” Then the guard collapsed. Rising to my feet, I slowly began to back away from the abomination. However this was quickly stopped as he snapped his fingers, er, claws, I guess. Suddenly I was dry and back in my clothes once again. I just stared at him, mouth agape, which it took this opportunity to stuff the huge rod of hard sweets into my mouth. Spluttering and coughing, as it had gone down a little too far for my liking, spat out the stick. Looking back up at him, I noticed an entire sun lounger had materialism out of god know where. Actually, god doesn’t probably know. Snapping its fingers again, one appeared behind me and I slowly eased myself down onto. “You must be the Hoo-mun that ‘Tia keeps talking about.” it said in its low voice. It reminded me of a Star Trek character, but I couldn’t remember which one. I think his actor was called John DeLancie, but I can’t be sure.
“Y-yeah, that’s me. So who are you, if I must ask?” He seemed to give me a slight ‘are you serious’ look.
“I, my interesting friend, am Discord, the master of chaos and disharmony; would you care for glass of chocolate milk?” I’m still hungry so hell yeah!
“Yes please.” I think that’s the most sincere I have every been with anything every since I got here. And he is looks like genetic engineering gone wrong.
“Would that be glass or crystal?” He gave me a mischievous smirk, which rang alarm bells. Against my better judgement, I decided to play along.
“Glass?” Almost immediately a clear glass holding a brown substance immediately was placed in my hand. Even without properly examining it, it looked, off. Placing it too my lips, I tipped it back, only to have a absolutely vile taste suddenly invade my mouth. Spitting it out quickly, I examined the chocolate milk, to find it was completely solid. I, on the other had, had been drinking LIQUID GLASS, as shown by the area at the top which had been shortened slightly. At this, Discord threw his head back in laughter.
“Oh, did I say a glass of chocolate milk, I meant a chocolate milk of glass. BWAHAHAHAH!” Rolling my eyes, I placed it down on the small table beside my chair, which it vanished into thin air. Discord glanced back over and gave me a curious look once, you know, once he had finished laughing at me trying to drink something no human, correction, no living being should be drinking. Except him, which he poofed another one out of thin air, before necking it like a shot of vodka.
“Your taking this surprisingly well, considering you have never seen anything like me before.”
“Oh trust me. I’m freaking out inside so much. I’ve just gone with the flow really, just excepting magic, flying pegasi and talking ponies. To be honest, you aren’t really the scariest thing I have ever seen anyway.” He chuckled at this statement.
“Oh, your too kind, though, same can’t be said for your would be sexual assaulter. I’m don’t know weather to be impressed by your ability to bring down a member of the guard, or be ashamed to live in a country with such a pitiful guard force.” He glanced at the unmoving body, then turned back towards me, pulling out a fan and wafting himself, like he was actually sitting on the poolside or on the beach. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll be sure to tell Celly about his actions.”
“Three questions.” I said. I wanted to get some answers.
“Fire away” he said, which he punctuated by suddenly appearing in a cowboy outfit, complete with toy revolvers, which when he fired let off a small pop each followed by small flags which read ‘bang’.
“Why were you watching me?” I said. I really want to know why he appeared just in time to prevent a massive beat down. Quickly changing outfits again, he appeared in a red suit and tie, complete with ski mask, which made his sickly yellow eyes look even more intimidating. Sure, I guess he somehow has knowledge of TF2?
“Well, I had just got back from my sight seeing trip to the second dimension. Quick bit of travel advice, never go there, you can only see flat lines and the souvenirs are tacky and fragile. Anyway, I had just been floating around in a few windows listening to ‘Tia prattle on when I heard she talked about an alien in the castle infirmary and dungeons. So I came down here and found you, though it did take a little sneaking around. Did you know that all the passages have guard check points now? So anyway I looked into the male bathroom, which you didn’t see me coming in, so I just went invisible and watched. I must say, you are rather well hung.” He let out a little chortle after that, making me blush a little. His abilities are really creeping me out now. I mean, of course he can just travel into the second dimension and turn invisible, that perfectly makes sense. I’m seeming to get the impression that this is what Richtofen was talking about when he mentioned a being that could make the laws of physics his bitch.
“Right, so, why did you help me. Not that I’m complaining of course, but you could have just stood back and watched me suffer.” He looked to be taken a bit back by this comment.
“Watching ponies getting hurt isn’t really my thing. Physically of course. Mentally I can do but I can’t really stand the sight of blood and gore too much. Yes, I can manipulate pretty much anything that takes my fancy, but watching things getting hurt is a little too harsh, even for me. I much prefer mind games. To finish, I knew you did nothing wrong, apart from defending yourself, so I felt as a reformed spirit of Chaos it was my job to do what was right. An act of kindness for a friend, which dear little Fluttershy taught me about.” Oh, OK, now I know why he isn’t turning reality on its head. He was reformed by those 6 ponies, some how. Glancing down at his paw, I noticed a large watch, which was shaped like one out of a Picasso (I.E. melting). He scrunched his face up in annoyance. “Well, looks like I’m going to have to send you back to your cell now. Terribly sorry about this, but I have to be going somewhere to meet a friend for tea. I can’t be too late, otherwise she would never forgive me.” Getting rid of his silly spy get up and our chairs, he quickly gave me another look, this one of remembrance. “Oh, I almost forgot, you had one more question. What was it?”
I pulled a small smile as I remembered the ridiculous question I had. “Discord, Can I play with madness?” I let out a small chuckle at this. However, he gave me a small frown.
“No, he’s gone out ” And with that he snapped his fingers and I reappeared in my room. Then I threw up on the floor and promptly passed out.