I was not a big believer of miracles or heroic deeds. I might have boosted about those in my acts, but those were as they were – acts. A magical show is run according to a strictly organized script. Everything has to fall into places and come onto the foreground at the exactly right moments, or else the whole show will fall apart, and there will be no show, only sadness and scorn.
But after meeting Twilight and her friends, I’m beginning to believe that there might be miracles, and if the world’s a stage, then they’re the heroes.
They are very averse to be called that, going so far to say that they would prefer a world without heroes, only courageous common ponies. But the facts are stacked against them. Why? Well, who, other than a hero, can withstand a blast that so devastating that it flattened the entire royal garden? Who other than a hero can survive a trip from the other side of the world and bring in more followers from the distant lands? There’s also of course Rainbow Dash, who’s all but in name a respected leader of a long-lost pony nation because she so bravely fought on their behalf.
Trixie likes to be optimistic at times of this. The triumphant return of heroes, coinciding with the return of an honored pony nation. Everything should be alright in the world again.
That’s why after Twilight came back, Trixie was amazed and overjoyed… until I actually met the mare herself.
She was not quite broken, not in spirits anyway, but physically her prognosis is bad. Ears pierced, eyes seared, legs broken, magic wonky. Even though the power of Elements seemed to have restore her hearing some time ago, there is no further progress on that front. It’s simply disheartening.
The most damning of all is that she has almost lost all her memories. This fact alone casted a dark cloud in the hearts of all that are close to her.
Sometimes I think to myself, carelessly cruel to be honest, that whether the purple mare is still the Twilight I knew.
Don’t get me wrong. I still love her for all the things she helped me with before. I will never leave her for anything that happened. She was selfless and helpful to the point that I think it was unreal. And to an extent she still is the sweet mare in the core. Impossibly tolerant and allowing for those who she loves and cares for.
But it pains my heart even more to think about it. How can something so wrong happen to such a good mare? And more selfishly, I can’t help but be unable to shake off the thought that without the experiences and memories, she was not the same mare I knows anymore.
She was placid, she smiled, and she complied to my every request. That was a far cry to the Twilight of yesteryear. That Twilight was plain-spoken, but also quietly confident. She seemed to have a plan for everything, and she was incredibly prescient. She was almost unswayable and unshakeable in her resolve.
Despite the fact that we two are similar in age, it was never a trouble for me to look up to her as my teacher. She was like a tall tree, impossibly old and gave off an aura of natural protectiveness. I am sure that given time, she would grow into something much more then she already was. An Alicorn Princess, perhaps?
But now… It was like having looked up to a towering tree, and suddenly turned to find that the tree was no more, only a stump with a small green shoot. It was a confusing feeling, and I hate myself a lot for seemingly blaming Twilight for something that she couldn’t control and certainly didn’t wish for. But my irrational bad blood eats away at my heart, finding no escape and only accumulating in my mind.
Twilight’s other friends are working tirelessly at their respective duties or jobs. I also came to know about the details of their plan to use the Tree of Harmony to heal Twilight.
I am delighted, of course, to know about a way that could potentially bring Twilight to health, or if Harmony takes pity on us, also gives Twilight her memories back. However, I am at the same time saddened that apparently I was not in the plan of the Spirits of Harmony. While the others are toiling away in pairs hoping to trigger the next miracle, I am just sitting here hoping. It feels like such an empty gesture, and it tortures my conscience.
That’s why when Rainbow Dash invited me to take care of Twilight when Spike was out on a trip, I eagerly agreed.
I never thought that it would be so emotionally draining.
It’s simply so hard to spend time with someone that you know so intimately know of, and seeing this. I never expect it to be such a difficult task to put up a brave and smiling expression in the face of such despondence. It was a thousand times worse than having to dig gems in the dark.
But all of my rumination changed in one warm afternoon at Fortaleza…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Twilight, Twilight?”
Trixie called out for the purple mare outside the wooden door. Her quarter in this part of the barrack was closely modelled after the Golden Oak Library, with hanging lights and a smaller, similarly crooked and emptied oak tree as its body.
After Spike’s departure, Rainbow Dash felt not at all safe to let Twilight stay alone in her library. Even having Trixie live in with Twilight was not enough for her. At the end, she proposed to move Twilight to the barrack, which sat solemnly on the other side of Saddle River, just outside the expanding city circumference.
This move was not without reservation from Twilight’s other friends. While in the barrack, Twilight did have the constant care from the guarding medics and soldiers, others worried about the effect of pulling a recovering Twilight from a familiar environment.
Rainbow Dash was on the other hand highly reluctant to have Cruzesian soldiers streaming through the main street to reach the Golden Oak, for fear that it would further provoke the local populace. The local Ponyvillians were already wary of a foreign horde of soldiers sitting inside the city, given the reputation of them once descending on and occupying Las Pegasus. The current design of the quarter inside the barracks was the resulting compromise.
Trixie frowned when she heard no response. She turned towards the white pegasus standing next to the door.
“Milly, is Twilight inside?”
The white pegasus, Milestrela, looked disoriented for some reason. Her gaze was tired and wary, although she tried her best to maintain a grin as she saw Trixie coming.
“Uh… D- Dona Trixie! Welcome, she’s inside! But… uh, she might not be fit to be visited right now.”
“Why?”
“She’s not very, uh… stable right now. Just now, I went in with a tray of breakfast, but she refused me. When I insisted, she…”
“What did she do?”
The milky white pegasus gulped and touched her forehead. “I don’t really know what happened. She has always been so sweet, unlike that chateação Chrysalis. Dona Twilight had never done such things before…”
“Can you at least tell me what you remember?”
The white pegasus further massaged her forehead, her eyes moistened in apparent pain. After a labored recollection, she sighed and said. “Well, at first, I went in to check if Dona Twilight was already up. She was, and she seemed to be writing something in her diary. When I called out to her, she seemed to be unusally spooked. When I brought her the breakfast tray, she shook her head and said she’s not hungry.”
The white pegasus crossed her hooves and said. “I can’t foul up again in my new task of looking after Dona Twilight, after letting the changeling queen get the better of me last time! Her health is of paramount importance, and so I insist to have her have breakfast. Dona Twilight looked unusually agitated, but I pushed through. T- Then…”
The white pegasus stumbled forward, Trixie immediately caught her with both her hooves and her magic.
“Milly!”
“Sorry, Dona Trixie… My mind began to jumble when I tried to recall that part. But from the bits that I can remember, Dona Twilight… wheezed at me. I saw a flash of green before my eyes, and I heard some muttering of words. Th- Then, I felt like I was up in the air, it was like I was suddenly plunged into a midday dream. It… didn’t feel bad actually, my head was light, and I felt oddly happy. I then wandered out of the room, because… I don’t know, I just wanted to. But before I passed through the door, Dona Twilight caught up to me. She cried and apologized profusely. But I didn’t really know what she’s apologizing about. I simply bowed and walked out.”
Milestrela tilted her head and frowned. “Come to think about it, I should be reporting this anomaly to Her Grace long ago, but something in my mind told me to just stand here outside of the door…”
The white pegasus sighed and held her cheeks with her hooves. “I must be going crazy.”
Trixie listened and her expression turned very grim. She had heard about the changelings and Twilight’s encounter with them on the high seas, and her subsequent affairs with them in Ponyville. This sounded really ominous.
Trixie gulped again and asked. “Milly, do you trust Trixie?”
“Why of course. You’re a good friend of Her Grace, and you’re entrusted with taking care of Dona Twilight, her most treasured friend. In fact, Her Grace told me that I can take orders from you… if it’s not too outrageous of course, ha ha!”
Milestrela beamed innocently, which caused Trixie to feel bad for what she’s possibly been through.
Trixie took a breath and said. “Do you trust Trixie enough to cast spells on you?”
Milestrela’s grin fell immediately, and it was replaced by a clear sign of unease. “D- Dona Trixie, w- what for?”
“You said you feel funny in the head, right? I’m worried that Twilight might have inadvertently casted a… mind spell on you.”
Milestrela’s eyes went as round as a dinner plate. “… O que?”
Although Trixie didn’t know Cruzesian, she realized nonetheless the universal body language of bemusement. “That’s just what I think based on what you said. I’d need to check by casting a spell on you. There’s no danger involved, as it’s a spell taught to me by Twilight herself.”
The blue unicorn sighed. “Twilight is… not quite herself nowadays. She might have casted a spell on you impulsively. Let me run a check on you and I will go in to check on Twilight herself.”
Milestrela looked sullen. “Dona Trixie… I, uh… I…”
“What’s wrong?”
“I… uh… can’t. I can’t…”
“Why?”
Milestrela maintained a guarded look. “We Cruzesians are very wary of any… unsanctioned spellcasting. Unicorns like Commander Trail are a special protected caste within our society, and we treat every incidence of spellcasting as a very serious matter. If what you said is true, then I must go to Commander Trail and-”
“It will just be a quick spell, please Milly!”
Milestrela closed her eyes and winced. “I can’t! Spiritual cleaniness is a very important matter to us! Our forefathers told us that it’s because we’re impure in our spirits, so that we attract the wrath of the Black Snake!”
“You stil-”
Trixie bit her tongue for almost uttering an insensitive remark, instead she spat and rephrased. “You’re in Equestria! No one has ever been attacked by supernatural force simply because they casted magic or was casted magic on by some unicorns!”
The blue unicorn then nudged further, appealing to emotion. “Are you saying that you think that Trixie’s magic is… unclean?”
Milestrela widened her eyes, and she immediately said with hooves flailing. “N- No, no! Of course not! I… I…”
The white pegasus just sighed. “Please Dona Trixie, I- my head is swirling right now. I can’t even think straight…”
“Milly, you need a check-up on by Trixie. I promise you it would be quick and harmless. I really hope that the spell Twilight accidentally casted, if any, was not harmful. I promise, I solemnly promise!”
Milestrela again tilted her head in a dazed look. At the end, she slowly sighed. “I guess Dona Trixie is a good and upright unicorn. Please, help me so that my head no longer feel hurt and dizzy…”
Trixie nodded heavily. “Trixie will try…!”
Trixie thought for a moment, and then casted a simple inspection spell using her blue magic. Immediately, she confirmed her fear. An unmistakably changeling-tinted magic was inside the white pegasus’s mind. The command seemed to be harmless enough, which was apparently simply just standing outside and not going inside, and its strength was weak. Trixie sighed and used her own magic to dispel its undue influence.
Milestrela gasped, and her cloudy gaze suddenly became clear. She looked up and looked at Trixie right into the eyes, and embraced the blue mare in a fierce tackle.
In midst of a series of rough patting in the back, Trixie closed an eye and said difficultly. “E- Eh? What’s the matter, Milly?”
“Dona Trixie is a mãe-de-santo for sure! Your spell immediately makes me feel better!”
Milestrela then turned fretful. “But Dona Trixie, please don’t tell t-”
“I know, I understand. This is a sensitive matter for you all. Trixie will not tell this to any other Cruzesians.”
“Thank you, Dona Trixie!”
The white pegasus beamed, but it soon dimmed with worry. “Please, check on Dona Twilight quickly as well. I shudder in fear to think what could have happened to my sweet dona to make her act like that.”
Trixie again nodded, and said with gritted teeth. “Trixie will go in now. Milly, please guard the door tight and don’t let anypony barge in while I’m in there.”
“Sim!” Milestrela saluted off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trixie walked up to the door. She attempted to turn the door handle, but it was somehow locked. Trixie closed her eyes and casted a picklock spell she learnt from the days of her magician career, and the meagre lock surrendered to her magic immediately.
Trixie then carefully walked inside the unlit house. The replica of the library was only one storey, with the front as where all the bookshelves were, and the back walled off to form a small bedroom.
Trixie immediately heard something. A low hum, it sounded like.
As she lightly trotted inside with utmost care, the hum became louder, and it was apparently a song. A really sad sounding song, slowly bemoaning her loss of memory, and remembering nothing even seeing the face a loved one.
“Twilight…” Trixie felt wrangled in her heart hearing the dripping sadness in her voice.
She had thought that the ‘new’ Twilight was… for the lack of a better, more benign word, kind… but empty and vapid. She has little to no initiative, and she seemed more than fine to be thrown around like a piece of wash cloth. But perhaps under that placid face hid a deeply fearful and sad soul, lost in the torrents of unfamiliarity.
“W- Who?!” Twilight abruptly stopped singing, and looked back fearfully.
“Twilight, it’s just me, Trixie.”
Twilight immediately attempted to trot back from the windowside and distanced herself from the blue mare, but she forgot to grab her crutch and immediately fell flat on her face.
“Twilight!”
“No, please! Don’t get close to me! You might get hurt!”
“Twilight, you aren’t thinking clearly right now! I’m here to help, you’re my friend and ment-”
The purple mare gritted her teeth and barked. “No! I’m not your mentor, I’m not your Twilight! You clearly think so too, right?!”
Trixie widened her eyes in shock and slightly retreated. Twilight’s words were like a sharp spear and struck right at her pained heart.
Twilight rubbed her eyes, and her strained voice suddenly deflated along with her guarded expression. She sniffled and cried out loud.
“W- What have I done? I shouldn’t have casted magic on Milly, and I shouldn’t have shouted at you!”
Twilight covered her face with her hooves. “I… I’m so, so sorry, Trixie, I…”
Trixie leaped forward and held Twilight tightly with her hooves. The purple mare shuddered in her embrace, but at the end she just cried into her chest.
“Twilight…”
“Please… Trixie, please, I can’t be her… I’ve tried my best to act like the Twilight you all know and love, I’ve tried my best to fit the shoe of a royal student, Element bearer, respected Ponyvillean, and even savior of nations, both here and beyond… But I’m none of those!”
Twilight sniffled again. “I tried my best to help in the only ways that I’m capable of… I read her notes and tried to continue her studies… I smile to her friends and tried to be the kind and smart unicorn that she was known for… But I know nothing about her life, and I know nothing about any of you except for what I’m explicitly told.”
She rubbed her eyes again and sighed sadly. “And I can’t even cast unicorn magic… Ever since I heard about changelings and what they do, I sometimes wonder… am I an impostor as well? Am I just some changeling saddled with this appearance, and deliberately stripped of memories in order to appear as a hapless amnesiac?”
The purple mare grinned wryly, though tears still streamed down her face. “Well, the evidences seem to support my hypothesis, as I can indeed cast some sort of mind-bending changeling sp-”
She suddenly gasped in terror. “Oh my goodness, oh dear! M- Milly-”
“Twilight, she’s fine! I’ve already dispelled any undue magical influence myself. I use a spell you…”
Trixie drifted off in uncertainty, as Twilight began to shake in tears again.
The blue mare went silent. She never thought that she would see the mare she looked up so much broke down in such a fashion. At the same time, a strong sense of guilt washed over her mind, both for neglecting to notice the purple mare’s distress, and privately thinking that this Twilight was indeed not the past Twilight.
For some reason, her mind drifted back to the day when she returned to Twilight. She was the one who shook and cried before the wise and steady Twilight. Now though, the roles seemed to be completely reversed.
Her conscience pounded heavily on her mind. Shouldn’t this be the time for her to return the love and care Twilight once showered on her in her time of distress? Even if she had none of her previous memories, knowledge, or even wisdom, she’s still her one and only Twilight.
Trixie took a deep breath and again went near the purple mare. Twilight recoiled in fear and shook her head. “Please, don-”
“No, Trixie is not going to stand there and leave you alone. If you don’t feel comfortable being called a name, then I’m just going to address you as ‘you’ for now.”
“Eh…?”
“You… Trixie has always been looking at you and treating you as some abnormal version of the mare I know. But now I know that you clearly feel immensely pressured by her mantle. Trixie is really sorry, we all have neglected your feelings in our single-minded pursuit to bring back the mare we know.”
Trixie sighed. “I was already concerned when Spike left-”
Twilight weakly smiled. “Spike was with the Twilight he knows the longest, wasn’t he? He’s within every right to feel weirded out and unnatural to take care of me, a mere shadow of his loved one.”
“No! Of course he won’t think that! Whatever you’ve become, we will love you all the same! I’ve heard countless bashful apologies from your other friends that they can’t visit and take care of you more often.”
“… Please, all your care is making me feel more unworthy. Like, what have I done to deserve your attention? I’m just a placeholder, a nobody…”
“Don’t demean yourself! You have done much since you’re back! For instance, your status as the nominal leader of the changelings placate them a lot while they work for Applejack.”
“By sitting here and doing nothing?”
“H- Hey, don’t you say that you can chat telepathically with them using your magic?”
Twilight shook her head slowly. “Only the changeling lieutenant named Allela ever talked to me after the initial ruckus. And I know while she’s polite and respectful enough, what we’ve talked is simply platitude. She thinks of me like nothing more than a figurehead, and I did nothing essentially.”
“… What about your input when they want to build that ‘radio’ machine? Your help was really important, they said!”
“I’m just someone who happens to sit on a pile of notes. And I did some basic organization before sending them out in bulk.”
She sighed resignedly. “I don’t even get to add to them or anything. The blueprints and commentaries were just there for me to bundle into a pile. I guess they were not implemented for some reason, maybe she’s too busy. Again, I have little to no initiative in that.”
“Now, after you come here, you began to sift through the Cruzesian texts they bring here, didn’t you?”
Twilight’s sullen look briefly thawed, as she sported a thin smile. “… That’s my own idea, yes. I’m surprised, because I’m able to grasp Cruzesian at a faster rate than I thought.”
“That’s because you knew it before.”
Twilight looked at Trixie uncertainly. “But I find it very difficult to read with my bad eyesight. Not even the glasses Rarity got for me helped a lot. There are just spots in my eyesight that cannot be corrected no matter what… As a result, progress has been really slow. Although I did learn a great deal about Cruzesian history, there’s nothing too concrete that I could use to help Rainbow Dash and her followers. Given how I now lack knowledge in even how Equestria is run, I’ve since switched back to read about Equestria first.”
“Just so you wait, they’re working hard to appeal to the Tree of Harmony. It’s their efforts that awaken you and heal your hearing in the first place.”
“I know it’s silly to doubt that, because I know from somewhere deep in my mind that the Tree of Harmony won’t lie. But I still can’t shake off the feeling that I’m useless and phony.”
She sadly sighed. “I bet the real Twilight would never cast a mind spell callously at her caretaker.”
Trixie carefully thought. This was not the time to mention that she heard from Twilight’s friends that the old Twilight really disliked messing with minds. “… Not that I heard of. Though she did once accidentally turn her parents into potted plants during her entrance exam into the School for Gifted Unicorns.”
“R- Really?”
“Nopony is perfect. And you’re comparing yourself to a non-existent ideal that others craft for Twilight Sparkle. Admittedly, Trixie is also one to blame, because I must’ve given off the impression that I desperately want the ‘original’ Twilight to return to us as soon as possible. But this is really unfair to you. You’re what you’re now, and you should be treated as you alone.”
“… What should I do, Trixie? Will I ever become the Twilight you all know and love again? I don’t want to sit here and languish in my self-pity, but I’m confused, and I don’t know what I can do to move forward. Every day it’s like waiting for an opportunity to wake up from a dream that never ends.”
“You don’t have to go out of your way to become somepony that you aren’t yet. Everything is in the plan of Harmony. You must give faith to your friends, and most importantly, yourself. For now, you should just act in the way that is most comfortable with yourself. Whatever comes comes. Even if you stay the way you’re for years to come, Trixie will still stand by you, so will the others. So take it easy, and be yourself.”
“But I don’t know what to do with myself… I’m a unicorn who can’t even cast magic natively, only relying on the green changeling magic… which is proven to be dangerous...”
Twilight looked up to Trixie wistfully. “Will Milly be okay? I hope I didn’t cause any lasting damage with my outburst…”
“She’ll be fine. I’ve already cleansed all remaining influence of the green magic. Don’t worry, even though like other Cruzesians, she’s prone to the occasional unfounded fear for magic, but she’s also the quintessential Cruzesian – light-hearted, carefree and good-humored. She’d forget about all these by tomorrow morning, after slurping a copious amount of apple margarita tonight.”
Twilight’s sad expression gave way to a giggle, and Trixie let out a hoof to stroke Twilight’s disheveled mane. “For now though, you should just relax. Everything will fall into places, just as the way it’s intended.”
Twilight looked at Trixie with two glossed eyes. She winced and tried hard to focus her remaining eyesight, but at the end, she simply shook her head and broke into a soft chuckle.
“… I don’t know why. Even though I’m still as unsure about myself as before, but listening to you calm me down by a lot.”
She sighed with a sad smile. “I too began to calm down when Spike told me stories he read in that Daring Do book, but since he’s not here with me, my worry built up to a point that I freaked out in front of Milly and you. I must’ve appeared to you like a foal.”
“Of course not. Everypony has vulnerable moments, and they need support from the others from time to time. None of us can carve out a place of our own without somepony else’s helping hooves. For instance, if not for Rarity, Trixie could’ve still been slaving away in the dark mines, without realizing that I too have othes magical talents in addition to sleigh of hooves.”
Trixie gently approached the purple mare and softly breathed towards her, sending a shiver down her spine. “Say, what do y-”
“Can you call me Twilight again?”
“… Eh?”
“It’s come to me now… that while it’s an insurmountable task to chase memories which are yet lost, it simply sounds not very personable to not have an identity to call myself with. Moreover, now that you’ve lifted a deep-seated worry in me about chasing her past, I’m now more comfortable to reclaim her name.”
Trixie slowly smiled. “Alright then, Twilight, can you then tell Trixie what you’d like to do? In fact, since Trixie is here, I can help you read the books that you can’t see so clearly. I know a spell that sharpen the outlines and enlarge the font.”
“That’d be great! Heh, in fact, I’ve also been itching to talk to someone about the Cruzesian texts that I’ve read, but Milly… um…”
“Yeah, Trixie knows. Books do bore her mind out of her head. It’s also not really in her nature to listen to old pony’s tales. In fact, she’s told me that the only time she dared to openly complain about Rainbow Dash was when she decided to bring books and texts on their ships instead of more rum. She was so not chuffed to be ordered to do 50 more laps, but now she sees you and she understands.”
Twilight again chuckled, then she began to perk up and said. “Hey, Trixie, do you know that the Cruzesians might not be so alone?”
Trixie leaned in and listened. She did not really have much knowledge about the world beyond Equestria, but she showed an attentive smile anyway. “Really?”
“When I dug into their oldest annals, I saw not only mentions of Crystal Empire, both the old one in the East and the new one in the North; the various nations in Equestria before they unified into one; Griffon chiefdoms, duchies and kingdoms, Camel shiekhdoms and kingdoms… There are also mentions of ponies, apart from Cruzesians themselves of course, that appeared to have arrived in the ‘new world’ before the Equestrians did, and there were also mentions of native inhabitants that they encountered.”
Trixie shook her head. “I’ve heard none of those.”
“That’s not your fault, Trixie. I’ve given a glance to all the common Equestrian history materials I could find, and they mention almost nothing about the time before the official arrival of the ‘three tribes’, which was another suspected myth in itself... But I digress. Even Cruzesia, a veritable nation of its own and a nation that has deep tie to the crystal ponies, received the barest of mention.”
Twilight then smiled curiously. “In these old Cruzesian texts, however, there were mentions of a great rival to the Cruzesians, one pony tribe that rebelled against the old Crystallian Emperor but defeated by the combined forces of Crystallians and Cruzesians. This nation, called Astyria, nonetheless flourished and spread across the seas, but entirely disappeared in a catastrophic event, rumored to be related to their encounters overseas with the inhabitants of the new world.”
“Are you saying that there could be more long-gone pony nations resurfacing, like Cruzesia and Crystal Empire?”
“That’s a possibility, an interesting and highly influential one. Not only pony nations, but maybe non-pony ones that originally inhabited the lands in this part of the world. Incidentally, after the Cruzesians filled the power vacuum the Astyrians left, they consistently referred to certain parts of the ocean as ‘Sea of Miasma’, wherein every entering ship will disappear into oblivion, that’s why the entire Amarezons isn’t mapped yet, because the Sea border a good part of it, and the Cruzesians have long since forbidden any foray. Some insidious forces must be in place there.”
“Whoa, that’s some intriguing mystery.”
“I’d love to know more, but my eyesight and my imperfect Cruzesian is a great obstacle…”
“No worries, Twilight. Let Trixie help you!”
Twilight beamed. “Thank you, Trixie, you’re such a great and valuable friend.”
Trixie briefly blushed, and then broke into a gentle chuckle. Suddenly, she felt not so useless compared to Twilight’s other friends anymore.