Red Vs Blue: Epsilon in Equestria

by The Sentient Cloud


Chapter 1: Introduction

The UNSC Archives:

Church looked from Washington, to Caboose, to Sarge – dumbfounded.
“You’re working for Carolina.”
“Well…” Washington leaned against the doorframe. “Kind-of. It’s complicated.”
“There’s nothing complicated about it.” Church snapped. “Don’t you remember what happened with her - and her AI’s?”

“Of course I do.” He replied. “But she seems okay… so far.”
“I’m sure she does.” Church shook his head. “You know you can’t trust her.”
Washington was quiet for a few seconds, putting the room into an uneasy silence.
“Well?” Church pressed.

Washington shrugged. “Church, this is our one shot to get to the Director. Without you-” He glanced at Caboose. “-They couldn’t convict him of anything. He’s done so much, to me… and to Carolina. With all of us here, we can take him down.”

Church shook his head. “It’ll never work. He’ll just slip away again. There won’t be enough evidence. Carolina wants to kill him.”

Washington lifted his gun, leaving the unspoken statement hanging in the air.

“Oh.” Church replied, before turning to Sarge and Caboose.
“And what did they tell you to get you into this?”
“Hey, I want to find this guy too.” Sarge barked. “Let’s see if this Director-guy can tell the difference between a real shotgun and one from a simu-whatsit when it’s jammed against his forehead.”

“And you, Caboose?”
“We’re throwing him a surprise party!” Caboose exclaimed cheerfully.
Church was about to reply, when Carolina returned from the fighting.

“I hope you guys are done swapping stories.” She reloaded her rifle. “Because we need to move. They’re coming in through the exit point. Caboose, toss me the memory unit.”

“Okay!” Caboose shouted. “I’m helping!”
He bent down and picked up the memory unit, throwing it underarm in Carolina's general direction…
Right through Church.

“Wait, Caboose, no!” Shouted Washington, diving forward.
Too late.

The unit came into contact with Church’s hologram, and with a flash, he was sucked inside it.

“Oh no.” Caboose sighed dejectedly.
“Caboose!” Carolina shouted as the memory unit sailed across the room and collided with the wall.

***

Church was falling, spiralling down and down through an endless void, broken only by vertical strings of ones and zeroes flying past him.

Oh no…” Sighed Caboos's voice, leaking in from the outside world.

He didn’t shout, or scream. This was all just coding, and he was in no real danger.
‘I don’t remember falling the last time I came in here.’ Church mused, his arms and legs tingling. ‘And I don’t remember this weird feeling.’

Caboose!” Carolina’s voice shouted.

The tingling intensified, and church started to feel very uneasy.
‘Something must be wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t-“

His thoughts were interrupted by an ear-splitting crack, and the entire world shook violently.
Church hit something. It wasn’t very substantial – almost like glass – and it shattered under the force of his fall.

Now he was worried.
Church let out a shout as he emerged from the black void into a clear blue sky.

This wasn’t good.

“Oh FUCK!” Shouted church as he dropped - spiralling down to the ground, which was so far below that he couldn’t even see it. He was above the clouds.

Church dropped, still screaming, his mind a blur.
What’s happening? Why is this happening?
“Holy Fuck! I’m going to Die!” Church shouted, even as his subconscious reminded him at he wasn’t even in a real body.

Church dropped through the clouds, giving him a clear view of the ground only a few seconds away.

“Fuuu-“ Church started to yell, before he was cut off by a sudden yank on his leg.
“Yeah! Gotcha!” Came a shout, as Church was yanked sideways, his fall stopped completely by the sudden catch.

What had caught him? Why had they talked? What could they possibly be using that could let them talk directly to him?

Church was hanging upside down, staring directly at the ground – which seemed to be comprised of rolling hills and a large town. That, however, could wait until he had figured out what had happened.
“What the hell-“ He twisted around in midair, trying to look at what had caught him.
“Hey!” Shouted his saviour as they started swooping down, drawing closer to the ground. “Don’t do that!”

“What?” Church continued struggling, twisting around awkwardly to try and get a look at-

-A horse. A blue horse, with a spiky rainbow coloured mane, and wings.
“What the fuck?” Church stared at the horse, wondering where its rider was – and why there was a horse, - and why the horse had wings. “Where… What the Fuck?!”

The horse turned its head to look at him. “What?” it exclaimed. “I just saved your life!”

“Holy shit!” Church shouted, squirming around. “A talking horse! What the fuck is going on here?!”

“Stop squirming! Hey!” The blue horse warned as Church squirmed frantically. “Don’t do that! We’re still too high! Don’t-“

Too late.
Church came free, and he dropped.

He flailed his arms as he plummeted a good thirty meters to the ground, his panic interrupted by one thought.
What happened to my hands?
Church hit the ground.
Hard.

***

Church hazily swam back from the depths of unconsciousness – or whatever applied to AI’s. His head was thumping, and his entire body hurt.

“Is he going to be okay?” asked a female voice
“How should I know? I’m not a doctor.” Replied the voice of the strange blue horse.

He let out a little moan, barely loud enough to be heard by even himself.

“So he just fell from the sky?”
“Yeah. I was starting out on cloud patrol, and… this happened.”
“Hmm…” mused the newer voice

There was silence for a few seconds.

“A pony falling from the sky… I think Princess Celestia will want to hear about this.”
Church let out another moan, trying to put as much volume as he could into it. The result was barely any louder.

“Did you hear that?”
“No.”
“Oh.” There was a brief silence. “How long do you think Applejack’s gonna take? This guy doesn’t look too good.”

Church’s throat hurt like hell, and he wasn’t really focussed on the conversation – his head was throbbing too hard - but he could recognise the familiar patterns of time wasting.

It was painful, a feeling akin to having his throat blended, but Church managed to let out an even louder groan, sounding almost like a wail.

“Ooooooh…” He rasped, dragging out his words. “Fuuuuuck…”
And that was all he could produce.

“Oh!” Exclaimed the newer voice, suddenly coming closer. “Hello? Can you hear me?”

Church let out another moan.

The voice was talking again, but Church couldn’t make out the words. His thinking was getting more sluggish.

With a little groan, he passed out again.

***

…nasty fall…
…be okay?
…a little magic… …right up…

Church moaned, cracking his eyes open.
“Hey, he’s waking up!” Said one voice.

The room fell silent as Church cringed away from the light flooding his eyes.
“Oww…” He groaned. “Turn the fucking lamp off.”
“Oh, right.” Said one of the voices, followed promptly by a click.

Church blinked twice as the light disappeared, revealing seven horses standing around his bed. One of them looked familiar.

“What…” He looked around, blinking again. “I… What? Why are there horses…” He looked around, realising that he was in a bed, with medical curtains on either side. “…in a fucking hospital?”

One of the horses – one dyed very close to orange – looked at a purple one.

“And why are they all so… fucking colourful?” Church continued.

“Uhh…” Started the orange horse. “Why’s he talkin’ like that?”
“I don’t know.” Said the purple one.

Church stared in shock at the two horses.
Holy shit, those things are talking.
He opened his mouth to say the same thing, but all that rolled out was a flat: “Uhh…”

“But isn’t it obvious?” Another horse – a white one – spoke up. “He’s had a nasty fall. The poor dear’s brain is scrambled!”

Holy-fuck-holy-fuck-holy-fuck-holy-fuck.’ Church’s mind raced, staring at the three horses.
“What?” He spat the word out like it was poison. “What is going on here?”

“He’s funny!” Yet another of the horses chirped, this one wearing a pink coat.

Church closed his eyes. “What the fuck is going on here? You can’t actually be talking.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” The purple one asked, a confused edge to her voice.

Church’s eyes opened again, and he pointed at the horse.
“Because horses don’t fucking tal-“ He started venomously, before trailing off.
He was pointing at the horse, but what he was pointing with was shocking.

He didn’t have any fingers – Hell, he didn’t even have a hand.

Church stared at the stump, realizing that it was in fact a hoof. A horse hoof.
“What?!”

The orange horse stepped a little closer to the bed. “Uhh… What were ya saying about ponies not talkin’?” She raised an eyebrow, her voice also tinged with confusion.

Church wasn’t listening. He was too busy staring at his hoof, tracing it back to his forearm, then his shoulder. None of it looked human, with all of it shaped like a horse’s front leg, covered in cobalt hair.
“I’m…” He whipped his head around, searching for a mirror. “I’m a…”
Church found a hand mirror, wedging it between his two hoofs and lifting it awkwardly to look at his face.

He was silent for five whole seconds, absorbing the sight.

Pointed ears.
A green-blue mane.
A muzzle.
A horn.

“I’m a fucking HORSE?!