Illicit Snacks

by tosety

"Lyra gets the goods" part 1 (by Tosety)

Lyra wobbled a bit as she stepped forwards, balancing on her hind hooves. Her forehooves were hidden by the sleeves of the trench coat and the mask of a human face hovered in her mint green aura an inch from her face.

“G’day mates,” She greeted the pony guards at the portal.

The guards nodded a greeting to her as she awkwardly walked past. “Have a nice trip back, Human McHumanface.”

Lyra stepped through the portal and felt the familiar magics toss her between worlds. She landed roughly on the human side of the portal and fell to all fours, her magical aura slipping and dropping her mask for a brief moment.

She quickly stood up and fixed the position of her mask. “How’s it hanging, homeboys?”

The guards stared in confusion.


Lyra started sweating, afraid their confusion was evidence that her cover was blown. “Just, uh, crashing at my pad, ya smell me?”

The guards looked at each other as they both tried to figure out what to say.

“Tee Tee Eff En,” Lyra stammered out as she turned and walked as fast as her two legged balance allowed.

“Was that...” one guard asked carefully.

“A pony? Yeah,” the other guard replied.

“Was she talking slang at us?”

“I don’t even know anymore. I don’t think it’s healthy to question what those ponies do.”

Lyra approached her contact in the human world at one of their ‘farmer’s markets’.

“Hey, Sarah, I got the goods,” Lyra said in a whisper, opening her trenchcoat to reveal bunches of carrots and celery. “Equestrian grade, certified earth pony grown.”

Sarah facepalmed. “Quit acting suspicious. Just set the bag under the table.”

“You got the cash?” Lyra asked, pulling the trenchcoat closed.

“Of course. One hundred dollars for six pounds of carrots and four pounds of celery. Just hurry up and put them down. I don’t want a cop seeing you dressed like that.” She pulled five twenties out of her till and passed them over.

Lyra, having seen the cash for herself, busied herself getting the produce out of her coat and under Sarah’s table.

Lyra glanced around the aisle before quickly levitating several economy size boxes of single-serve doritos, chips, candy bars, and other assorted snack foods into her carriage.

A case of Coca-Cola rose into the air before falling a few inches as a case of Pepsi overtook it. The two warred in Lyra’s magical aura as she tried to decide.

“Buck it,” Lyra whispered to herself as she placed both into the carriage.

She stopped her rapidly filling cart as she spotted a jumbo bag of “Gummy Bears”. Her eyes widened and she reverently levitated the bag into the cart, not noticing the child staring at her from the end of the aisle.

The cashier watched the exceptionally strange pony ‘walk’ up to the register.

“Shalom,” Lyra greeted, waving a glove at the cashier before attempting to move her purchases to the belt.

After a few failed attempts, she lit her horn and used her telekinesis to assist her hooves in picking up the items.

The cashier tried to ignore the fact that the pony’s badly disguised hooves were a good three inches away from the purchases she was lifting as she rang up the purchase.

“So, how about that weather?” Lyra said, attempting small talk.

“Uhhh... sunny?” the cashier replied.

“Yeah, and those Lions! They’re doing great this season!” Lyra continued.

“Huh? I thought they lost to the Patriots.” The cashier countered. “Well, anyway, your total is $85.42.”

“Oh, uhm, yeah.” Lyra started sweating as she pulled out her bit purse and levitated her newly acquired cash.

The increasingly confused cashier accepted the money out of Lyra’s aura and proceeded to make the proper change.

An agitated Lyra took the change and receipt and galloped out of the store, carriage of snack food in tow behind her.