Dear Princess Luna,
Enclosed, please find my next move in our eternal war masquerading as a chess game. Also, a reading list I think you might find tantalizing, as well as some of my notes on spells of the ninth formation, which I would love some feedback on.
I’m hesitant to ask you, but I have a personal request. Well, personal but also professional. It’s mostly personal.
I know you’re probably very busy! Princesses are busy, as I’ve learned. I mean, I knew that already, but now I really know. Anyway, you’re certainly hard at work dealing with so many pony’s dreams every night that I hesitate to ask this, and I wouldn’t if it weren’t important.
First, I’ll explain myself. I’ve been having nightmares. Yes, I’m bothering you with trifles, I know. Or, maybe they aren’t? I don’t know. I don’t want to presume or anything, but I also don’t want to come off as if dreams aren’t important. I’m still fascinated by the things you can do with and in dreams!
But I’ve been having nightmares almost every night this week and it’s starting to get to me. To be honest, after the one last night, I didn’t sleep at all. I tried. Okay, no, I didn’t. Sorry. I really should be honest here, because I’m asking you for help. I was a little afraid of sleeping after the last nightmare. Does that sound silly, a grown mare and a princess to boot, afraid to sleep because of nightmares? I feel silly admitting it. I’m probably being ridiculous.
But, just this once, could you set a watch for me? I think knowing that you will be there just in case will do wonders. Again, I wouldn’t ask for any special attention if I weren’t losing this much sleep, and if I weren’t seeing my performance suffer. I fell asleep halfway through breakfast this morning, and I worried Spike. Worrying Spike… I’ve done it enough. He deserves a Twilight who at least mostly has it together.
I hope this letter finds you well. Oh! I almost forgot. I just wanted to say, and forgot to say last time I wrote you, that Applejack sends her thanks. Apparently you helped Applebloom with some nightmares awhile back? I told her that she should write you herself, and that of all ponies she should know how much appreciation for hard work can mean. She’s shy about it, though. Said she didn’t want to bother you, and so on. Ha, kind of like me at the start of this letter. So, from both of us, thanks. We appreciate the hard work you do, and I especially know what sorts of things lurk in dreams. Not everything magical is good, after all. And after tonight? Well, I can definitely appreciate what being shielded from nightmares means.
To be honest… I guess, regardless of whether or not you can help, I’ve learned from this experience. Dreams are kind of like… looking in a foggy window on yourself.
With warm regard, your friend,
Twilight
Celestia glanced over the page, and considered what she would say next.
Luna did not wait for her to speak.
“I am the most miserable, distasteful creature that has walked the earth, sister.”
Celestia, still considering, blinked. The mask of a thousand years of ruling alone sat comfortably in place. Behind it, as if she sat in council of war, the sun’s shepherd considered her next move. There were several answers lined up and ready to be fired like a javelin in some ancient unicorn’s magic grasp. They ranged from the most diplomatic and detached to the acidic and frustrated. With care, she regarded her sister’s low estate, eyes hidden and form slack as she laid against the breakfast table.
She settled for somewhere in between. “I wouldn’t say that just yet. Discord is alive and well, after all.”
There was, for a fleeting instant, something like a smile from the mare who currently took up most of the table.
But it died. “Tia, I went too far.”
“I know.”
“How?” Luna stirred, rising a bit.
Celestia put the letter down, folded it neatly, and returned to her donut. It was, perhaps, not the most regal nor graceful of breakfasts. Her cook had been a bit put-out, surely, by being upstaged by Donut Joe. But she had seen this conversation and this morning and perhaps even this letter coming, and knew she would need the fortitude only indulgence could supply.
“Because, and I say this with all love, it is what you do.” She ate and let that linger in the air a bit. “You push. When we were young, you were the impetuous one. Yes, I had my moments, but I never was able to surpass you. I rolled the dice, but you tended to set the whole game on fire.”
Luna wilted even further, if such were possible.
“I have… I have done something terrible.”
Celestia hummed.
Truth be told, she was less in control of herself than she appeared. There were two warring instincts within her, primarily. The first was the older of the two: shield Luna, comfort Luna. The other, younger and insistent, was harsher: Defend Twilight. Be harsh with your sister.
She tried to keep the middle path. Twilight was her own pony, and she did not need Celestia to hover. Luna was her sister, but she needn’t be coddled. Leaning too far one way was injustice. Sitting in the middle was still choosing. A thousand years alone, and still she found that the world cooked up paradoxes that vexed her. Some days, she found it a bit exciting. Today was not one of those days. Today was a day where she wished quite fervently that life would be easier, and that love was easy.
“Perhaps.” Luna would explain herself in time. She always did, one way or another. The trick was to wait, to give her room to maneuver, wait for her to set up battle lines, and then encircle. That was how one found out the truth.
“Something is deeply wrong with me, sister.”
“Luna, what happened? Not just last night. With all of this.”
“I have dishonored the task that was given me. I did to a pony that thing which I swore so long ago to defend all ponies from. I… I went too far last night, farther than I intended. Much, much farther. I didn’t mean… no I did, I…”
Celestia sighed, forgot breakfast, and laid a hoof on Luna’s mane. Together, like this, in a place too open for Glory but perfect for the intimacy of family, neither wore their regalia nor did they disguise their forms. Luna’s light blue mane was short again, as it had been the night she was freed.
And so, for a few moments, the conversation stalled. Celestia stroked her sister’s mane and waited, and hoped, and doubted.
“I thought about the Nightmare,” Luna began at length. “And how my resentment formed. The difference between what was and what is, as we talked of once.” When Celestia nodded, she continued with even pace. “I had to find a way to engender such a conflict in Twilight, or so I thought, and only then would I have satisfaction. It was beyond selfish. I, myself, am beyond selfish. I was blinded. Not once did I pause to consider what it was I meant to do.”
“You touched her spirit, then, I take it.”
“Yes.”
Celestia sighed again.
“I found… I found a thread. Something which hurt to touch, something secret and compromising and buried, and I… I pulled.”
“And you built a dream using it?”
“No. It built itself. I know better. I should know better. I can create dreams, yes, but I can also prod the dreamer to create their own. You remember this, surely.”
“It comes back to me, yes.”
It really did, all coming back at once. You could do a lot of things with suggestions, hints, subtle words… You could do a lot. That’s how it had all started. Unchecked rumor and unanswered suggestion. How had the great schism ended? She remembered what ponies who had been bathed in her sister’s glory looked like.
Celestia fought a grimace. She could not be too swift to say anything. At least ponies subjected to Luna’s aura lived.
Luna groaned softly, and nuzzled her sister’s hoof. “Twilight created her own dream, born of this secret long hidden and long buried, this private shame, and with it came a host of insecurities. But it was I who let those insecurities free.”
Celestia withdrew her hoof slowly, so as not to be mistaken, and reached with her magic. A parcel came floating from deeper in her chambers, and she laid it on the table before a puzzled Luna.
“I too received mail around dawn,” Celestia said, her tone as gentle as she could manage.
She wasn’t angry. Or, rather, she wasn’t angry enough to let that anger motivate her. Anger was often a useless emotion, destructive more than constructive, binding more than freeing. She was frustrated. Disappointed. Perhaps sick at heart. It had been easy, with separation, to forget how troubling it was not to be alone.
Luna shied away from the papers. “From Twilight? Oh, sister, than you know.”
“I do.”
Luna shielded her eyes. “I do not have anything worth saying.”
“I am not sure of that just yet. There are things yet to be said.” Celestia unfolded the letter and read, keeping her voice even.
Dear Celestia,
First, I hope you enjoy the notes I’ve attached to this message. I’m sending Luna a copy of them as well, and I would love your input. I’m trying to find a workaround to the old problem of the Ninth formation. Energy use and loss. Nothing more invigorating then cheating entropy, really. It’s been a good distraction.
And I needed a good distraction.
I’m not really sure how to write this letter. I’ve tried several times (I had a lot of time to try) and I’ve gone back and forth about what to say and why and how and when, and finally I’m not sure if I can stand to write another draft, so this one will have to do or else I’m going to lose it. So, I apologize if it comes across as rambly or strange. It’s been a rough night.
I had a nightmare tonight. It was… bad. But, because I couldn’t go to sleep, I thought a lot.
My nightmare was about you. And me. And somepony else. No, I should start at the beginning. I was going to say, “you probably didn’t notice” but I’m almost positive you did. I mean, hello, we both know how much you notice, especially about your students. Looking back, I realize you were always nudging me towards making friends! I guess I was just too boneheaded to take the hint. Sending me to Ponyville was kind of the last ditch effort, but hey, it worked! So no complaints there. I’m glad you did.
I had a massive crush on you when I was young. Like, the biggest. And I guess, if I’m honest, it continued into my teenage years. It didn’t die naturally so much as I just sort of bottled it away and aggressively buried it, mostly just because I was gangly and awkward and insecure, like any filly my age… and because I guess I idolized you. I mean, not that I don’t think the world of you now!
But I know you better now. Before you get worried, I’m not coming on to you.
I kind of just wanted to admit that for my own sake, because I turned something that was probably natural into something that certainly wasn’t. This huge inferiority complex disguised as romantic longing that was probably unhealthy. So what does this have to do with my dream?
Well. My dream was that somehow, you and I were… together. Okay, please don’t judge too harshly, I know this is ridiculous to read. But we were. And I was so, so happy. I was coming to Canterlot every week to see you and everything was wonderful. But I came early, and you were in a meeting. The meeting wasn’t a meeting so much as it was a rendezvous. Of the carnal kind, you know? Not with me, who you were with. In the dream, I mean.
Okay. I’m going to move on from that because it was kind of traumatic but also its super embarrassing, I realize, to tell somepony, “oh by the way I had a dream we were together and you cheated on me, isn’t that neat?” because it’s pretty weird and a little uncomfortable for everyone involved.
You didn’t give a reason, I don’t think. I’m not entirely sure, some of the memory has faded. But what I do remember is how it was hard for me to remember to call you Celestia, instead of Princess, and that’s what I dwelled on most of the next three hours. And, you know what? The rest of it is bonkers, but that part is true. I think it might be important. So! This is a friendship report, I guess.
Tonight, I think I learned a lot about myself. Bottling up your insecurities, being down on yourself all the time over silly things, all that dumb mind game stuff, is a load of baloney. And it’s bad. It can hurt you and your friendships with other ponies, because you can convince yourself that they don’t want to be your friends, and furthermore that you don’t deserve to be their friends.
And you know what? I think that’s really foolish. So, I’ve resolved not to keep doing that. I can’t just fix everything all at once. I know that. You don’t just become not shy or not nervous by saying you aren’t and “toughing it out”. But I think that you can try to be better for your own sake, and trying is important.
I’m going to stop calling you Princess forever, if that’s alright. (I mean, if it isn’t you should totally tell me because I mean, I don’t know, maybe you’d rather that? I mean, lots of ponies have two names and prefer one, and I guess princess is sort of like a name?) I’m going to try my damndest not to get so hung up on myself. Let’s be friends. I mean, we are, but there’s so much I don’t even know about you and that isn’t right. Like, and this is true, the third thought I had when I woke up was: does Celestia even like mares? I don’t know! I never asked! Do you? Is it weird to ask that in context?
I guess my point is… You’ll always be my Princess, Celestia. You’ll always have been my teacher and mentor. And you’ve always been my friend, in one way or another. But tonight I learned that I’ve not been the best friend in return. What I was worried about with my Ponyville friends, that having a fancy title would make me seem distant, I kind of turned around and stuck on you. That’s not fair. Friends should talk, and not just when there’s business or a national crisis or something. If I had a friend, or worse yet someone I was in love with, who always called me princess and never Twilight... That would be sad. Not sure how else to put it. Too tired.
So, next time I have a free weekend, how does tea sound? I’ll bring Go. No one plays in Ponyville and I’m dying to play. Do you know how? Probably, but if you don’t, I’d love to teach you. Also, if you do, prepare your A-game because Spike has gotten really, really good from the several dozen times I’ve made him suffer through this week and I think the idea of me having a new partner might be the best news he’s had all month.
Your friend, forever and always,
Twilight Sparkle
Celestia folded the letter and floated it gently back to its resting place inside, on her private desk.
“For the record,” she said lightly, “my tastes as far as the carnal have changed little since we were parted, and I do in fact play Go. I am very good. I am quite looking forward to that.”
Luna was silent. Confused, possibly. But mostly silent.
So, she kept talking. “Luna, you went too far. You injured your integrity, yes, but the mare I see before me is very different from the one who twisted ponies before. The one I see, sharing breakfast with me before she turns in for the day, is hurt. Very deeply hurt. Imperfect, yes, but not beyond help. If I truly thought you could not somehow mend this breach... “ She shrugged. “This conversation would be different. I hope you believe that.”
“I… are you not dismayed by the revelation?”
“To be honest, I am unsure how I feel. I did know, when she was growing up.” Celestia allowed herself a smile. “Truly, it was rather endearing. Many young fillies and colts have crushes on figures of authority, ponies they trust and like and want to be approved by. Teachers, mentors, and so on. I thought she’d grown out of it a long time ago. I’m humbled, if anything, and I’m grateful that despite going through this, she has proved herself to be as thoughtful and as honest as ever. I do not think you have done any lasting damage, sister.” A thought occurred, and the smile slipped away. “Though it was painful to read that even a pale imitation of myself would do such a hurtful thing to a pony I love. Twilight learned a lesson, but I myself have been thinking on why I was sparing when choosing lovers.” She glanced down into her mug. “Perhaps too sparing,” she said.
“I am sorry. If I had known for certain… If I had been able to alter the thread-dream in anyway, I would never have let such a lie take place.”
“I know. I knew before you told me, sweet sister.”
“I am glad to hear it.”
Celestia nodded, and sipped at her coffee--again, for fortitude--before she finished. “But I do think that you should consider long and hard what you will say to her. Tonight?”
“Yes. I could not bear another night of waiting.”
“I do not think I could either,” Celestia said softly. Then, a bit louder. “Be that as it may, I urge you to be honest with her. Twilight is just as imperfect as you are. But I believe in her. I think your real satisfaction still lies with her. Just not in the way you expected.”
“I think you are right. I fear the audience.” Luna sat back in her chair. Slouched, really.
As you should, a part of Celestia thought. She continued to sip, and said nothing. The part of her that was vengeful was glad. The part of her that was merciful was sated. The part of her that loved waited hopefully.
But she had faith in Twilight. After all, had she not once said to Luna: have you considered my servant, Twilight?
And she chuckled. Well, not a servant. An equal now, finally. As she had been all along, though it took pain to see it at last. Twilight was right on one count: when she wished to be, few ponies could match her for sheer boneheaded tenacity about the worst things. Sometimes she needed a push.
She and Luna were alike that way.
Not that she appreciated the nature of the push. But castigating Luna for an act she was already so miserable about was neither profitable nor wise. No, as emotionally fulfilling as lashing out could be, it was far better to heal. She just wished healing wasn’t so messy.
And, further down, she wanted to apologize to Twilight herself. Though there were tied that bound her, ancient oaths and laws of the deeper magic, she had never been denied the power of her words. In some other world, perhaps she had turned Luna from this and saved them all the trouble. Perhaps tonight she would ask and see what might have been.
Between coaxing Luna into eating and mentally preparing herself for the day, Celestia daydreamed of board games, and she smiled. Perhaps there was hope yet.