//------------------------------// // Meanwhile, in Equestria... // Story: Principal Celestia Hunts the Undead // by Rune Soldier Dan //------------------------------// Princess Twilight Sparkle all but bounced down the street, basking in Celestia’s sun as she made her way home. Another beautiful day in Ponyville had passed into evening, and she was going to enjoy what remained for all it was worth. The day had not been without hiccups, of course. The great Everfree spider migration had passed through Ponyville, bringing not only screaming terror, but an important lesson about not squishing innocent creatures. Thank goodness Fluttershy was there. Twilight and her friends worked through as they always did, and wrapped things up in time for snacks at Sugarcube Corner. Twilight shivered, losing her spring as she approached the castle. That feeling of spiders running up her legs… some friendship lessons came easier than others, and a living testimony to the fact waved at her from the castle stairs. “Hi, Twilight.” Starlight Glimmer barely croaked the words before degenerating into a phlegmy cough. She swallowed and sucked on the smoking rod between her lips, brightening its glow. Twilight’s bounce ended with a facefall into a mud puddle. Her head snapped up with a shocked expression and a pink glow snatched the stick from Starlight’s mouth. “What’s this!?” Twilight shrieked, knowing full-well the answer. “It’s a friendship stick!” Starlight coughed one more time before turning an excited grin on Twilight. “Queen Chrysalis gave me a whole box of them. She said humans exchange these sticks to show friendship; the more I use, the better friends we are. This is great! I think I’m finally getting through to her.” “Show me the box,” Twilight commanded. When Starlight complied, Twilight snatched it too and incinerated the lot in pink fire. “Those are cigarettes. It’s not friendship, it’s…” Her breath came in with a hiss, and a pained smile formed. “You know. Chryssi being Chryssi.” “Oh.” Disappointment came to Starlight’s face, followed by curiosity. “‘Chryssi being Chryssi’ in the ‘plots to take over Equestria’ kind of way, or the ‘comments on the flavor of pandas in front of Fluttershy’ way?” “Somewhere in between.” Twilight shrugged. “Anyway, I’m going to have a talk with her. I’ll tell you about these later, but long story short, they’re not friendship sticks. They’re like, anti-friendship sticks. You should probably go rinse your mouth.” Starlight kneaded her tongue in her teeth, making a disgusted face. “You didn’t need to tell me that. Good luck with Chryssi.” Twilight sighed her thanks and proceeded into the palace. A few glittering corridors brought her to the castle’s pride: the friendship classroom, complete with desks and chalkboards. Chrysalis sat in her assigned seat, seemingly engrossed with her copy of Basics of Friendship, by Twilight Sparkle. Twilight took in the scene just long enough to see that yes, the nullification ring was still on Chrysalis’ horn. With a knowing frown, the princess lit her own magic and yanked away the textbook, revealing the latest issue of Tall White Mares propped up behind. Chrysalis shoved the magazine behind her back and grinned widely. “Oh, hi Princess. Get all the spiders out of your hair?” “Almost.” Twilight shuddered, reflecting on the fact this was the first day in weeks Chrysalis wasn’t her biggest aggravation. There was a long shower with Twilight’s name on it as soon as she was done here. Her magic formed a pink bubble around Chrysalis and hoisted her to the air, a process now familiar to both of them. “I saw the ‘friendship sticks’ you gave to Starlight.” “Neat.” Chrysalis smirked with the slick pride of a cheating student. “Do you want some? I still have a few packs.” The magic pulled her over to press nose-to-nose with Twilight, who was smirking rather more angrily. “As it happens, I’ve been to the human world as well.” “Oh.” Chrysalis’ smile dropped. Twilight’s grew, though it was more stress than joy. “Yes, and now we are going to add ‘Why lying is bad’ to the curriculum. “Hey, come on, it was a harmless prank.” Twilight rolled her eyes. They left the classroom, the floating, wheedling Chrysalis helpless at her side. “You know, friends play pranks on each other. It’s not like I did anything harmful, like put bricks in a sandwich or anything.” A twitch birthed in Twilight’s eye and traversed all the way to her tail. Maybe that last dig wasn’t intentional, but Chrysalis had long lost the benefit of the doubt. Twilight’s nose went up as her hooves carried them to the castle basement. “Chrysalis, as your friendship teacher, I’m starting to have some concerns about your progress. I don’t think you’re taking your lessons seriously.” Twilight said a couple more things, but Chrysalis tuned it out as they descended the stairs. Friendship, harmony, blah, blah, blah. “Anyway, here we are!” Twilight’s voice grated as they came to a final door. Chrysalis looked up, then around, and shrugged. A basement this might be, but it was every bit as bright and shiny as the floors above, and the door before them was unremarkable. Sadly, she saw nothing interesting enough to distract from Twilight’s words. “This is the friendship remediation room. A nice, soft little place for you to deescalate and reflect on your actions.” Laughter bubbled up through Chrysalis’ mouth. “‘Friendship remediation room?’ That sounds dystopian.” “It is nothing of the sort!” Twilight announced with a frankly suspicious amount of cheer. “Just some stuffed toys, padded walls, and a speaker system with our greatest spontaneous musicals on endless loop.” Horror briefly flashed on Chrysalis’ face, followed by glowering resignation. “You enjoy my torment.” “Of course not, Chryssi.” Twilight beamed back at her, deploying the hated nickname. “It’s not a punishment, it’s an opportunity to think about how you can do better next time.” Glowing in Twilight’s magic, a key fit the lock and pulled the door open. Padded purple walls greeted them, with the carpeting lost to a pile of plush toys. From hidden speakers, a horrible yowling filled the room. “Come on everypony, Smile, smile, smile, Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine…” Hopelessness gave Chrysalis strength. Though she shuddered as Twilight floated her through the doorway, she spun herself upside-down in the weightless magic and smirked back. “Hey.” “Hm?” Closed eyes, still smiling that too-bright smile, Twilight tilted her head. “I porked your brother.” Twilight’s smile vanished to a flat glare. Her magic winked out, dropping Chrysalis head-first to the ground. “Gets her every time.” Chrysalis pumped a hoof into the air as the door slammed shut between them. Between the brother dig and the cigarettes slipped to Annoying Purple Unicorn #2, the day’s battle had ended a draw. That was as good as it got these days. “All I really need’s a smile, smile, smile…” Chrysalis hated this song, but the magic speakers were keyed to Twilight’s horn. Nothing for Chrysalis to do but distract herself until it passed. She grabbed a stuffed likeness of Rarity and began tossing it up and down, pointedly talking over the music. “You know, Annoying White Unicorn, I think out of all Twilight’s idiot minions I dislike you the least. You’re a whiny twerp, but they all are, and you make me pretty dresses. I can admire that. I’m a queen, you know, I have to look good.” “I like to see you grin, I love to see you beam, The corners of your mouth turned up is always Pinkie's dream…” Chrysalis cocked her ear. Wasn’t that the second refrain? She had already been in here a few minutes, the song should be over. Painful as it was, she listened. The Pink Thing’s annoying voice squeaked out the last verse, then fell to silence. Then, “My name is Pinkie Pie…” “It’s on repeat!” Terror and rage blurred together in Chrysalis’ scream. She leaped from the ground and screamed again to the walls, “Twilight Sparkle, you monster!” Lacking subordinates, she made do with strangling the stuffed Rarity. “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you warn me against bringing up her brother? She always gets me back for it!” “Smile, smile, smile…” “This is torture,” Chrysalis declared, tossing her plush scapegoat to the side. “This is a gross violation of the Geneighva convention, and I will be writing Princess Celestia about it.” “If only I could!” With a hateful roar, Chrysalis bucked one of the stuffed mountains with all her might. The toys scattered, but the one at their core held firm. Chrysalis’ mouth fell open, for there stood Princess Celestia herself. Not the real one, sadly, but a very excellent stuffed replica. Life-sized, it loomed above even Chrysalis, thickly-stuffed and balanced enough to stand on its own. “Smile, smile, smile…” Chrysalis tackled the stuffed Celestia. Her magic jammed a smaller plushie in each ear and she curled up with the cotton alicorn clutched tight to her chest. It was soft, downy and warm, surely like the real thing… “Not so bad,” Chrysalis admitted. Her impromptu earmuffs hid the music, and the pile of stuffed toys made for a comfortable bed. She settled her head down on the beautiful white neck, her mind already scheming for a way to smuggle the prize to her room. And then take over Equestria, but this would do for now.