//------------------------------//
// Bird in the Hoof, Night in the Slammer 
// Story: My Twilight Facade 
// by axelsempai 
//------------------------------//

It was about a week before the Running of the Leaves was set to begin when Spike and I were running errands around town.  Spike sat on my back while I walked along, and we discussed what we still needed to do.

"So we took care of groceries, bills, and entertainment."  I recounted.

"And a bigger bed just for me!"  Spike added happily.

"That's right."  I gave him a smile.  "What else were we missing?"

"Celestia wanted us to go to Sugarcube Corner to reserve it for tomorrow's brunch."  Spike dutifully reminded.

"Ah, that's right; good man."  I thanked.

I turned down the appropriate street and easily found the way to Sugarcube Corner.  There was a short line at the counter, but I wasn't here to place an order.  While Cup was busy at the counter, I figured Carrot was my best shot at delivering the good news.  Just in time, the lanky stallion came out the back with a tray of shakes for two foals at the center table.

He placed the tray and wished the affluent fillies well as I came by.  "Morning Mister Cake.  How's business?"

"Oh, just fine, thanks for asking!"  He gratefully replied.  "If you're looking for Pinkie, she's baking up a storm in there!"

"That's good to hear, but I actually came here to deliver something."  My horn burst with energy, conjuring a scroll that fell into my outstretched hoof.  "I have here a document for you and the missus, straight from Canterlot."

He picked up the scroll curiously.  "What is it?"  He asked, opening and skimming it.

"It's a request of service from Princess Celestia; she wants to use your establishment for a brunch tomorrow morning.  Don't worry, you'll be well compensated for agreeing."

Carrot's eyes bugged out without even seeing how many digits were on the paper.  He trotted urgently to the counter, pleading for attention from his wife.  "Honey..."

Cup just finished ringing up another order and regarded her husband with worry.  "Yes, dear?"

I edged myself between them, seeing where this was going.  "Now's a good time to mention she doesn't want ponies to panic."

I was ignored, with Mister Cake hoofing over the scroll with frightened stuttering.  "P-p-princess... b-brunch..."

Missus Cake began reading, so I leaned in and tried once more to be the voice of reason.  "Remember, a calm mind is a happy mind."

As with all things related to the princess, reason was ignored in favor of frenzied theatrics.  "The princess is coming here?"  She yelled, startling many of the customers.

"Hello panic, nice to see you again."  I deadpanned.

"Oh no, we need time to prepare!"  She declared.  "Sweetie, close the shop and get the customers out!  We need to reorganize!"

"You're going too far."  I reminded softly, uselessly.

Cup hobbled to the back while Carrot took charge of the room.  "Everypony, I'm sorry, but we have to close for the day."

The ponies all moaned in disappointment.

Pinkie popped her head into the room.  "Don't worry, everypony!  I'll still be taking your orders from the back door!"

The ponies murmured with renewed approval and quickly filed out.  Carrot flipped the door sign to closed and ran to the back.  The banging of pans and the like rang out immediately, signalling the start of a hectic day of over-preparation.  Meanwhile, Spike and I were left alone in the dining room, forgotten.

"Well, that could have gone worse."  I noted.

"Are we the only sane ones in Ponyville?"  Spike asked.

"Probably."  I guessed with a shrug.  "Let's go home."

"And set up my new bed!"  Spike added with vigor.

"Eyes on the prize, huh?"  I chuckled.  "Can't blame you."





Starting the next day meant helping Celestia with the brunch that morning.  Still thinking of me as her most faithful and organized student, she left many of the organizational obligations to me while she spoke to the mayor about the upcoming Running of the Leaves.  I guess they had to discuss promotion and budgeting.  My responsibilities were far less stressful.

I arrived an hour before it started with Spike in tow, checklist in hoof and apathy on the mind.  I didn't really want to oversee things, but I wasn't about to say no.  If I could have been just a guest, I would have been allowed in with my friends without any obligations to split my attention.  Nuts to that, though, I had shit to do.

I looked over the list.  The first item was to ensure the building had security.  I directed my gaze between the two royal guards stoically glaring into the distance on either side of the door.  "Well, first item's checked."

"I guess it won't take too long to get through the list, then."  Spike figured.

"One could hope."

I stepped up to the door, but the stallions blocked the door with their armored wings.  "Halt!  Who goes there!"

"Aw, seriously?"  I griped.  "Does Celestia not brief you guys on her own student?  Doesn't she have a picture posted in the break room with my face labelled 'kind of important'?"

If my question bothered them, they didn't show it.  They lowered their wings without a fuss.  "Go on in."

These guys seemed like they were going to hound everypony that tried to enter.  I'd keep an eye on them.

The interior of Sugarcube Corner was decorated in full Pinkie Party Mode.  A table full of presents dominated the center of the room and all manner of streamers, balloons and banners covered the place.  The display cases by the counter were removed in favor of more space in the dining room, though one couldn't tell that they used to be there considering how polished and perfect the whole floor was.  Somepony had to work all night on getting this place as immaculate as it was.  Maybe this was something greater than Pinkie Party Mode?  Maybe we'd call it Princess Panic Mode.

I wasn't the first to arrive.  Rarity strutted gracefully in her magnificent pink dress, decorated with pink gems and purple trim.  She wore a golden tiara in front of her horn that spoke of regal flair.  All of it was unnecessary, but she wanted to dress formally, I guess.

"Hello, darlings!  How are you this morning?"  She greeted.

"Always a good morning with you."  Spike answered dreamily.

I shrugged indifferently.  "Had worse.  So, did you cancel on a fancy gala, or is that fancy get-up for today?"

"Why, this dress is the culmination of my creative ability!"  She boasted.  "I would wear nothing less in the presence of royalty!"

"I see.  And did you realize this was supposed to be a casual affair?"

Rarity was perplexed at the question.  "But this is casual."

"Oh, well you could have fooled me."

"I think you look fantastic!"  Spike complimented.

"Thank you, Spikey."  Rarity replied sweetly.

Spike blushed at the acknowledgment.  I gave him a smirk and turned to my duties.  "Anyway, I'm glad to see you made it.  I have to check on a few things, one of which includes master chef Spike."  I nudged him.  "You hear that?  You're important."

He chuckled humbly.  "Yeah, I guess I am, huh?"

I nodded understandingly.  "Yeah, but that means you'll be needed in the kitchen."

Spike sagged at the reminder.  "Oh, yeah."

"Yeah, so mingle while you can.  You're not needed for another half hour."

Spike straightened.  "You're right!  You mind if I stick with Rarity for a while?"

"I dunno."  I turned to Rarity.  "How would you like an honorable drake to you escort around the ballroom?"

Rarity held out a hoof for the dragon with a kind smile.  "I'd be delighted to have your company, Spikey."

Spike's mind was dominated by the thought of merely walking by her side.  He gently grabbed her hoof in both claws.  "Thank you, princess."

I was pretty sure Spike was referring to Rarity there.  They walked away together, to which I could only uncertainly wish Spike the best of luck with a "Go get 'er, tiger."

I checked the list again.  There wasn't that much, but laziness demanded bitterness regardless.  I poked my head into the kitchen to quickly check on the food.  In a rare instance of me getting the drop on Pinkie, I saw her working alongside Mrs. Cake on fixing a variety of food from salad to cookies.  One of the ovens was lit with intense heat, so it must have been baking a delicious confection.  Maybe I'd get to see it in an hour.  In any case, there was a lot of freshly prepared food stacked on trays.  Food was definitely covered.

That was honestly most of the list.  Security, decorations, and food; so all that was left was the guests.  I made my way back to the dining room, past Rarity keeping distance from the pony she was talking to, and stood beside the door to keep tabs on whoever came in.  All I had to do was make sure that no disreputable ponies sneaked in.

The place filled up with ponies pretty quickly.  Once word gets out that the princess was eating brunch with complimentary food in the most popular establishment in town with basically no reservations, ponies unafraid to get a little close to royalty were sure to come in.  Of course, that didn't mean there was a large number of ponies, but just enough to make keeping up with food a constant worry, though food was on hold until Celestia arrived.

The first such guest was Applejack, trademark Stetson on her head and handkerchief around her neck.  The Element Bearers were almost obligated to show up, after all.

Applejack smiled and sped up her trot to greet me, but the guards raised their wings to block her.  "Halt, who goes there?"

"Okay, seriously, are you guys going to do that to everypony?  Because that's going to be obnoxious."  I asked with a glare to the back of their heads that they didn't see.  They didn't answer, to which I sighed.  "She's the Element of Honesty.  Just let her in."

They lowered their wings, and Applejack trotted past them nervously.  "Land sakes, is the princess here, already?"

"No, she's still in a meeting."  I informed.  "The guards here are just zealously hounding everypony who comes by.  Don't worry about it too much."

"Ah, okay.  So are the others here, yet?"

"Pinkie's cooking and Rarity's in the corner trying not to touch anything."  I motioned inside.  "Rainbow and Fluttershy aren't here yet, and I'm here in charge of the guest list."

"Ya have a guest list?"

"Pfft, no."  I scoffed at the notion.  "I'd have to write that list myself, and I'm not about to do that."

"Then how are ya keepin' track a' which ponies are allowed in?"

"By the seat of my pants."

"By the seat o' yer- what?"

I rolled my eyes.  "I'm winging it."

Applejack looked concerned.  "Uh, ain't that a bad idea?"

"I'm pretty sure I can keep the malcontents out."  I claimed.  It's not like Ponyville even had malcontents.

"Well, if yer sure."

I patted her on the shoulder.  "Relax, I've got things covered.  Go on in and mingle for a bit."

Applejack nodded and went right past me.  I turned my attention to the door, only to find a short line of ponies blocked by the guards.  Yep, the guards were definitely doing that for everypony.

I took a deep breath and rolled my shoulders.  "Alright, let's get started."  I took position and listed off everypony as they came up.  "Okay, she's the nice pony that sells blueberry jam, so she's okay."  Next pony.  "I highly doubt the local plumber is a bad guy, so he's good."  Another pony walked up.  "She sells carrots."  One more pony.  "Jeweler."  More ponies.  "Vintner, mailpony, weather team member, cobbler..."

The last anonymous pony who showed up was a dapper stallion in a black cloak and top hat, with a finely oiled handlebar mustache tilted by his snidely smile.  I snickered.  "Okay, I just like the cut of this guy's jib."  He went right on in.

Two more ponies came by until a beige earth pony with a curly pink and dark blue mane trotted past without the guards even trying to stop her.  She greeted me kindly and continued on her merry way.

I had an odd sense of déjà vu, but I ignored that in favor of the guards negligence.  "Why didn't you guys stop her?  What makes her so special that she gets a free pass from Celestia's finest?"

Just outside, Rainbow alighted upon the ground and walked to the door.  The guards raised their wings to block her as she got close, startling her.

"Oh come on!"  I cried, throwing my hooves up.  "That's the Element of Loyalty!  How and when did you guys get so selectively awful?"

When they lowered their wings, Rainbow hurried inside, giving the stallions outside passing looks.  "Wow, things are tense around here."

"I know, I think I'm getting an ulcer."  I mumbled.

Rainbow looked around the room.  "The princess isn't here, yet?"

"Not yet, she'll be here in a bit.  Go on inside, I have to supervise these guys and make sure they don't stop their own boss."

"Right, good luck with that."  She lightly punched my shoulder on the way past.

My gaze followed her for just long enough to notice Pinkie Pie watching the pony in the top hat performing card tricks.  Pinkie noticed me just as I saw her.  Just as fast as she found me, she bounded across the room and smiled excitedly.

"Twilight!  I'm so happy you're here!"

I returned the smile with one that was much more reserved, but no less genuine.  "Happy to be here.  How's the food?"

"It's the best ever!"  She exclaimed happily.  "Hey, you have to come over and see Mr. Whiplash do magic!  He's doing the things you do, but with cards!"

I chuckled.  "I love a card trick as much as the next pony, but I can't at the moment."  I puffed out my chest with my head held high.  "Duty calls."

Pinkie's eyes shimmered.  "That's so hot."

I relaxed to my usual posture.  "Actually, the temperature has been dropping.  It's getting close to winter time, after all."

Pinkie smiled wider.  "If you say so, Twilight.  Are you sure you can't spare a moment?"

"It'll be fine."  I assured with a pat on the shoulder.  "We'll have plenty of time when Celestia gets here."

A third armored pony walked right next to me, and like an asshole, he blared his trumpet into my ear.  I could only glare at him before he made an announcement to the room.  "Introducing the Princess of Equestria, Princess Celestia!"

"Ah, there she is."  I noted dryly.

The princess strode regally into the room.  She always made an impact among the populous, but she held something in her magic that caught my eye: a golden cage with a dopey looking bird perched inside.  With its pitifully dull feathers and screwed up expression, this was not a bird that impressed.

Celestia smiled warmly down at the two of us, but me in particular.  "Twilight, you seem to be doing well."

"Always am."  I remarked.  "How are you?  Was your meeting alright?"

"It's always good to meet with such an understanding mayor."  She replied.  "But enough about business; we're here to unwind with a late morning meal."

"Looked more like a feast last I checked."

Celestia just smiled.  "So a meal, then."

I chuckled the affirmative.  "If you say so."

"And I do."  Celestia walked across the room, not even bothered by the bowing ponies around her.  "Let's take a seat."

I made to follow, but I remembered the troublesome guards outside.  "Hey, fellas, let everypony in, okay?  Just stay here like backup."

They snorted, which I couldn't identify as either a yes or a no.

"Uh, good.  You get right on it."

I left my post to join the princess and the girls at the head table.  Celestia set the bird cage on the table next to her seat.  Applejack sat a ways down near the end of the table, failing to look as casual as possible.  Rarity wasn't doing much better, considering she was so flustered trying to keep everything away from her dress.  At least Rainbow wasn't that bad, though she was still acting a bit inconspicuous in the corner, taking deep breaths.  Out of every pony in the room, only Celestia and Pinkie seemed relaxed.

I lowered myself into the chair next to Celestia's, but a little too late, as Pinkie did the same.  With both of us sitting in the same chair, we turned to each other.  Pinkie smiled wide.  "Oh, looks like we wanted to take the same seat by complete accident!"

"Ah, sorry about that."  I got up to take a different chair.

"Wait!"  Pinkie hopped up and pulled the chair out for me.  "You can have it."

I blinked.  "Oh, okay, thanks."

She pushed the chair in for me as I sat.  Nice of her, I guess.  She sat next to me in a different chair.

Celestia noted our little interaction.  "So, how long has this been going on?"

"The brunch just started."  I stated obliviously.

Ceelstia chuckled about something.  "So it has.  How were the preparations?"

"Autonomous and stress-free on my end.  I can't say the same for the Cakes."

"They stayed up all night polishing the floor!"  Pinkie added.  "We had lots of fun last night!"

"Right, some considered it a blast."

Celestia nodded at the information, neither bothered or impressed.  "How about security?"

As if to answer for me, the pony in the top hat hopped in front of us with a grunt.  He whipped out a deck of cards, grinning mischievously.  "Pick a card, any card."

Celestia shared a look with me.  "Who is this stallion?"

"I have no idea."  I admitted.

Celestia tutted, and turned to the stallion.  "Very well, I choose this card."  A card floated out of his grasp and faced it toward us, displaying its three hearts.

The stallion grasped the card with boundless confidence.  Without a word, he shuffled it into the deck, each move of randomizing the cards forcing us to lose track.  In a surprise move, he threw the cards into the air and scattered them about him.  He grabbed out seemingly at random, catching one card floating anonymously among the others.  He showed us the card.

I scoffed.  "She didn't pick an ace of spades."

The stallion chuckled at me like I was clueless.  He waved a hoof over the card, morphing it to the selected three of hearts before our eyes.

Celestia and I nodded our approval.  Pinkie was much more vocal with her clapping.  "That was spectacular!"

"Yeah, I gotta admit, that was pretty good."

The stallion tipped his hat to us.  He flipped the card in his hooves, and showed us that it was a shiny gold card with a top hat printed on it.  He slid it into Celestia's necklace, patting it once in place.  "Remember my performance."  He whispered.

"I think I shall."  Celestia agreed with a nod.

I levitated the cards back into a neat deck for the stallion.  "Here you go."

He grabbed the cards and stuffed them in his cloak with a bow.  He left us there with an amusing diversion and nothing else, I'm sure.

"Anyway, that guy was there because I let him through.  Your security was a little strict, I think."

"My little ponies just get a little protective."  Celestia assured me.

"Of the most powerful sorceress in Equestria?  Seems like a waste of time."

"Well..."  She leaned in a bit, lowering her voice.  "You aren't wrong."

I didn't doubt it.  I looked over the ponies gathered.  "Fluttershy's still not here."

"Is she the pony who cares for animals?"  She asked.

"That's her.  I wouldn't blame her for missing out on this, though; she'd have to get through the guards."

"It would be a shame for one of the Element's bearers to miss this."

"Yeah, speaking of which, I should probably go over and make sure.  The guards don't exactly have a list..."  And I'm not sure if they actually listen to me...

Celestia asked for clarification as I got up.  "Didn't you make the list?"

"Nope."

Celestia frowned, but I didn't notice.

I checked out the door just in time to see Fluttershy rushing up.  "Oh, Fluttershy, you actually made it!"

Hearing my greeting, the guards let her through without incident.  The timid pegasus slid to a stop in the building and let out a breath.  "Am I late?"

"Nope.  As you can see, the food hasn't even come out, yet."

The door to the kitchen swung open.  Carrot Cake pushed out a cart filled with food.  "Er, food's ready!"

I turned back to Fluttershy.  "Never mind, the food's come out."

Fluttershy grimaced like she really messed up.  "Oh goodness, I meant to get here earlier, but I was helping Mr. Mousey, and before I knew it Angel was telling me that it was time to go, and I came here as fast as I could, and I'm so sorry I'm late!"

"It's okay, there wasn't a scheduled time to get here."  I explained in hopes of calming her down.  "It didn't really matter when you got here; we're just glad you're here."

Fluttershy relaxed and smiled.  "Oh, I'm so glad."

"Yeah, there's no need to worry.  So how about we go to the table on the far side of the room with the rest of our friends?"

There's a reason I neglected to mention that was the table with the princess, because as soon as she looked over, Fluttershy squeaked and hid herself behind me.  "Um, maybe I could find a nice seat in the corner?"

I stood as relaxed as possible for Fluttershy's benefit.  "There's no need for that, either.  Celestia might be a princess, but you would have to do something incredibly stupid to get on her bad side.  Really, she's a lot nicer than her regal demeanor would suggest."

Fluttershy barely peeked out from behind me.  "I know, but she's just so... big, and important."

I gave her a reassuring smile.  "It'll be okay.  Come on, lets go take a seat; you'll see that nothing particularly stressful will happen."

Fluttershy nodded.  "Okay..."  She didn't sound very sure.

I led her confidently to the table and took my seat.  Pinkie apparently got bored or something, so she disappeared.  Fluttershy sat next to me instead, sitting as small as possible.

"I'm back with my friend Fluttershy."  I told Celestia.  I leaned back to let her get a better view of my friend.  "Come on, Fluttershy, she's non-toxic."

"H-Hi."  Fluttershy offered meekly.

"Hello, Fluttershy."  Celestia greeted without missing a beat.  "I'm glad you made it.  This wouldn't be a very successful brunch without everypony's friends."

Fluttershy nodded.

Celestia and I shared a look, as if to say we needed more to coax her into conversation.  I took point.  "So princess, I see you brought a bird."

"Hm?"  Celestia pulled the cage over for a better look.  "Oh, yes, this is my pet, Philomena."

The bird coughed pitifully.

There was a brief moment of silence among us.  "Is, uh, your bird okay?"  I asked.

"She'll be fine."  Celestia assured.  "This happens on occasion."

"You mean sickness?"

"Something like that."

While this conversation was happening, the Cakes were setting all the food on the table.  An assortment of salads, sandwiches, and sweet treats covered the table in a tasty display of pony culinary prowess.  Our conversation was interrupted when Carrot set a teacup in front of Celestia and filled it with the steaming drink.

Celestia offered a thanks for the drink and took a gracious sip.  She set the cup back down with a satisfied smile.  Carrot took this opportunity to pour a little more tea back into the cup.

Celestia and I shared another look.  I noticed at this time that Carrot was almost imperceptibly shaking with nerves.  Celestia said another thanks and took another sip.

He filled it back up again.

I glanced up at Celestia, but I noticed an impish twinge.  She downed the whole cup.

Carrot responded predictably, filling the cup back to the brim.  The two went back and forth like this for three more rounds of increasing speed.  Finally, I noticed Celestia fake a sip.  She set the cup down and waited for Carrot to do it.  He totally did it, pouring more tea into the cup only to find that it overflowed from the tea Celestia didn't drink.

"Gotcha,"  Celestia said with a serene smile.

Carrot broadened his smile as if to force out a laugh that never came.

Celestia chuckled calmly.  "You don't have to stand by me and cater to me, if you wish."

Carrot stepped back with a gracious smile.  "As you wish, your highness."

He eventually left us, but we made sure to watch as he did.  "I'm glad you're not like that, anymore."  Celestia admitted.

"Overbearingly subservient?  I'm glad I ditched that, too."

"I wish you weren't the only one."  She motioned to the rest of the restaurant.

I looked around and really focused on their demeanor.  Most of the ponies were lost in conversations, but their lip movement suggested they spoke of princesses with a few tentative glances coming our way.  Their eyes looked away just as quickly, going back to their previous activities.  Even my friends weren't doing so well, since Rainbow just flat-out disappeared, Rarity pushed her chair far away from the cupcakes on the table with wary eyes, Applejack was fretting over which food item to eat first, Fluttershy had her eyes locked on the bird, and I had no idea where Pinkie was.  You'd think ponies who've seen Celestia relaxed before would take a hint, but even they were skittish.

"Huh, so you deal with this often?"

Celestia nodded minutely.  "Every day for over a thousand years."

I let out a sympathetic breath.  "Yeah, sorry to hear that."

"No need to worry for my sake."  She assured me.  "I have ways of coping."

"A thousand years of well-meaning isolation?  How do you you do it?"

She just smiled at me.  "I spend a lot of time with friends."

"Friends?"  I gave that some thought.  I wasn't aware of Celestia's friendships, after all.  Secretive as she was, she wouldn't hide that would she?  I had no idea who she could be visiting so often, apart from myself.

And that's when I realized... "You visit me every week.  Are you referring to me?"

Celestia's smile didn't alter in the slightest.  "One would think it was obvious."

I laughed with wry reservation.  "Friends with a princess, who could have predicted it?"

Celestia levitated a sandwich mirthfully at my words.  "Friendship ignores station, Twilight.  Those who look past royal titles and see the pony beyond are the ones really worth your time."

I smiled sadly at the touching sentiment.  While I would have normally just accepted such praise, it felt a little bitter knowing that I was going behind her back.  "You really think that, huh?"  I shook my head with a sigh.  "Mane, do I feel like an ass."

The self-deprecating statement caught the princess off guard.  "Twilight?"

"Out of curiosity, what would you normally do to ponies who've used dark magic?"

She didn't need to think too hard on the answer.  "Normally, we would affix anti-magic rings to their horns and gave them therapy until such a time where the magic was no longer in danger of controlling them."

I chuckled darkly.  "And you're giving me special treatment.  I guess I should feel flattered."

Celestia lowered her sandwich to lower herself closer to me, hushing her voice to have a more secretive conversation.  "What's bothering you?  Most ponies would be walking on clouds for days when a princess counts them among her personal friends."

"Because there's a dull ache in my heart whenever I feel like I'm letting my friends down."  I rubbed my chest over the aforementioned organ.  "Now that I know what you're thinking of me, you're another pony who I can hurt."

"Twilight...?"

"I was going to study dark magic, despite your warnings."  I said suddenly.  "You and your sister warned me against it, but I just wanted a cheap power boost.  I was working on a spell to hide the energy emissions from my experiments in dark magic so I could be unopposed.  Without your interference, I would have broken all barriers in the way of understanding the dark side of something we all take for granted."

She eyed me critically.  "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because, Celestia,"  I gave her a companionable pat.  "I'm not going to let my friends down.  A princess I can disobey, but I'll listen to my friends."  I levitated a cup of tea for myself.  "For your sake, I'm gonna forget about my research."

The edges of Celestia's mouth twitched upwards.  "Then I'm glad we're friends.  Seeing a good pony like you fall to dark magic would be tragic."

"Hah!  If I'm a good pony, then there aren't many bad ones."  I joked.

Celestia pulled her head back, not quite sure how to take my joke.  "Are you talking down about yourself?"

"I'm lightening the mood with self-deprecating humor."  I corrected.  "I guess you could say it's a way to acknowledge my faults without feeling bad about them."

"I think you need to talk to somepony."

"I'm talking to you, aren't I?  Besides, it's not like I've hurt anypony for a while."

Celestia didn't seem convinced.  "There has to be a better way for you to find joy in your life."

I would say that she was exaggerating, but between all the times I cheer people up with self-inflicted mishaps and jokes at my own expense, any argument would've been pointless lies.  Instead I countered with "Maybe you just need to relax."

Celestia pouted indignantly.  "I can relax just fine."

"Hah!  I know a thing or two about denial, so you aren't fooling anypony."

"It's true!  I relax with tea, good books, and bubble baths!"

"Mane, who said relaxing had to be quiet and boring?  Give me soda, video games, and rioting any day."

"W-what kind of pony likes riots?"

I raised a hoof.  "I do.  Obviously."

Celestia, as incredulous as she was, didn't get to ask the question on her mind.  A pony in gold armor trotted next to her and interrupted our conversation.  He whispered something to her that I couldn't hear.

"Oh dear,"  Celestia said in response.  "But how could that have happened?  There are only two keys to the vault, and I have one..."  She lifted her necklace and felt around for whatever key she was looking for.  "Where did my key go?  I know I had it on me."  All she found was the golden card which she examined for a brief moment.  "Distressing."

Celestia stood from the table.  "I'm sorry, Twilight, but something just came up.  I'm afraid it requires my immediate attention."

"Ah, I understand.  Don't let me keep you."

Princess Celestia bid the restaurant goodbye, announcing she was leaving.  The guards followed her away and effectively ended the brunch right there.  Whatever thief stole Celestia's key, whoever they were, had hell to pay for ruining things.

Ponies filtered out of the building pretty quickly.  I saw Rarity leave first, warning everypony to keep away from her dress, followed by Applejack carrying a lot of leftover food.

Meanwhile, as many of the others were leaving, the beige pony from earlier approached me inquisitively.  "You must be Twilight."  She noted in a familiar voice.

I narrowed my eyes a bit, but kept up appearances.  "That's right.  Who're you?"

"Bon Bon."  She answered casually.  "You were talking to the princess awfully intently.  What were you talking about?"

"What's with the questions?"  I asked.  "Can't a pony speak with her mentor about things?"

"As long as they aren't creepy, impostor things, yes."  She conceded accusingly.

I recognized that tone and that voice.  "Wait a minute, I know you."  I glowered.  "You're that ninja that set fire to my basement!"

"W-what?  Don't be absurd!"

"You owe me money!"  I declared.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!"  She denied further.

Pinkie Pie emerged from behind her slowly.  "Actually,"  She began, startling the unaware, undisguised ninja.  "It's partially my fault.  If I didn't startle her, she never would have dropped the paper into the candle that burned your things."  Pinkie grinned sheepishly.  "Uh, heh heh, sorry?"

"Oh, uh, okay.  Accidents happen."  I said, effectively forgiving her.

Pinkie squealed and hugged me tightly.  Just a few short months ago, this would have been enough to crack my ribs, but now it was actually pretty bearable.  Anything to make hugs better, right?  Not that this meant I forgot to let Bon Bon know I was watching her with a few gestures.  She just glared at me and left.

Pinkie let go and smiled deeply in my eyes.  "Thanks for not getting angry with me.  I'll definitely make it up to you with a great big surprise!"

"The last time I got a surprise from you, I spent two hours cleaning cake frosting from over two hundred books.  I'm not even sure I got it all."

Pinkie was undeterred.  "I know; fun right?"

"Er, sure..."

"Anyway, Spike's gonna play the clean-up game with us.  You should probably check on Celestia's pet bird."

"Ah, thanks for reminding me."  I commended.

"You're welcome.  Just remember, Fluttershy went back to her house while you were distracted."

"What?"

Pinkie hopped backwards towards the kitchen.  "See ya later, Star!"

She disappeared into the back, leaving me confused.  I never really wanted to ask what the deal was with her sudden change in topics, but I always felt the need to ponder.  In any case, I looked back to find that the cage was still there.  Yeah, it was a good idea to bring that to Celestia.  It was only a matter of taking it with me and finding her at the Town Hall, presumably.

Celestia would be grateful to know that her bird was okay.  Well, besides that coughing, anyway.  I was sure that everything was going to be fine.

Except the cage was empty.

Oh shit.

I looked around the room for a frantic moment of searching, finding nothing in the empty dining room.  Celestia's bird was abducted, and I didn't know where to look.  Whoever took the bird must not have been motivated by money, though, since the cage was still there.  So why would someone abduct a sickly bird?

Wait, it's as Pinkie said:  Fluttershy.  She must've taken the bird for some reason.  It's not hard to determine what that reason was.

I wasn't about to waste any more time.  I grabbed the cage in my magic and left for Fluttershy's cottage, thankful that I had a psychic friend.  Hopefully Fluttershy was having luck with her endeavor.





The cottage was quiet.  Standing outside, there were no sounds to hint that anypony was even home.  I knew better, since Fluttershy was a friend of mine, and she would be far too quiet for anyone to hear through the walls.  That just raised the question where her animals were.  It was pretty uncommon for her house to be empty, even if I knew it wasn't.

I knocked on the door, not expecting much in the way of an answer.  The door very slowly opened.

Fluttershy's head emerged tentatively, nerves wrecking her reaction.  "O-oh, h-hi Twilight.  Lovely b-brunch we had."

"It was, wasn't it?"  I smiled casually.  "I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Did you get anything out of it?"

Fluttershy squeaked and shrunk back.  "N-no!"

She was lying, but I couldn't blame her.  "That's a shame, I could have sworn you made a new friend."

"No I didn't!"

"Really?  Then who's..."  I fired up my horn and flashed through space, finding myself just inside her cottage.  Fluttershy shrieked weakly at the sudden teleportation, but I ignored that in favor of finding the bird I was looking for.  What I saw cut off my thoughts.  "Jesus."

An already pitiful bird looked even more pathetic.  Large clumps of its dull pink feathers were gone, and in many cases replaced with tape.  Actual scotch tape.  The poor thing was having trouble breathing, notable even without its occasional hacking coughs.  Its eyes weren't focused, merely glazing over with its pale blue hue.  This thing was on the brink of death.

"What have you been doing here?"  I asked.

"Um, trying to help Philomena?"  Fluttershy supplied.

"Are you sure you're doing it right?  She looks worse than when you started."

The bird coughed, as if we didn't already know.

"I've been trying, but nothing's working!"  Fluttershy wailed.  "Bed rest, warm soup, medicine, aromatherapy..."

"Do you normally use aromatherapy?"  I asked curiously.

"In extreme cases."  Fluttershy explained.

"Damn, then this is really extreme."  I looked over the bird, who plopped off the stool.  "And I'm sure the trauma of falling isn't doing any favors.  Huh."

"What are we going to do?  I've tried everything, and I've only made things worse!"  Fluttershy was hyperventilating now.

I put a hoof to her chest to calm her down.  "Hey hey, relax, we'll figure this out.  Maybe this is just a rare type of bird with allergies."

The bird coughed from the floor.

"Yeah, I can't imagine why that's the first thing I thought."

Fluttershy shut her eyes tight and took a few deep breaths.  "I... I'm not sure what she is.  I've never seen a bird like her before!"

"I have, but only as an illustration.  I actually have the book marked for transport."  Said book popped from my magic and into my hooves.

Fluttershy stared at the book.  "Do you always have Nature Walk's Possibly Mythical Monsters Manual ready?"

"Yes."  I grunted and brought the book closer to my face.

I flipped through page after page of weird, possibly too-stupid-to-exist creatures, looking for the drawing I vaguely recalled.  After about a hundred pages turned, I found the picture.  It showed the same failure of evolution currently in the room with us.  I turned back a page to see what the creature was called.



Phoenix



I dropped the book roughly and glared at the bird.  "You little bitch,"

Fluttershy stammered.  "O-oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you..."

I waved her down.  "Not you, Fluttershy, you're perfect."  I towered threateningly over the diseased phoenix.  "Philomena and I need to share a few words."

"Please don't hurt her!"

I sighed dejectedly.  "Fine.  Philomena, there are two rules in Ponyville:  When invited, go to Pinkie Pie's parties, and don't mess with Fluttershy."  I roughly prodded the bird, plopping her back onto the floor.  "You've been messing with Fluttershy.  You're a sick bird, and I'm not talking about your coughing fits."

"What's going on?"  Fluttershy asked, completely lost.

"Philomena's a phoenix, meaning she could just set herself on fire at anytime and resurrect from the ashes.  She is in literally no danger from this illness of hers, and she's been using it to force sympathy out of you for some sick game."

Fluttershy looked betrayed, eyes slightly misty.  "Are you sure?"

I glared down at the strangely stoic bird.  "Are you ashamed yet?  Fluttershy's been worrying about you all this time, giving you food and medicine, and you've just been playing with her.  For the love of God, you even picked on the only pony in Ponyville you're not allowed to!"  I brought a hoof to my chin thoughtfully.  "Yeah, the wrong pony..."

"What?"

"Okay, first, I'm gonna need you to apologize to Fluttershy for what you did."

Philomena crossed her wings defiantly, as if to say "Make me."

I prodded her roughly again, knocking her prone.  "Do it."

Philomena brushed herself off and, reluctantly, bowed to Fluttershy.

The pegasus shrunk back nervously.  "Oh, it's okay..."

"Good, now Philomena,"  I lowered myself to the little bird's level with a devilish grin.  "Are you ready to take things up a notch?"

Interested, Philomena sat down and stared intently.

Fluttershy interrupted.  "Are you planning on doing this to somepony else?"

I chuckled darkly.  "Oh no, I plan on doing something vastly different.  One could say that things might get a little... heated."

"I don't like where this is going."  Fluttershy meekly protested.

"It'll be completely safe, I assure you."

I pulled Philomena close and whispered the plan.  The crux of this plan was that fire doesn't kill phoenixes permanently, as they just revive from that.  It didn't take much to convince her.  With a nod, we pulled apart.

"Alright, we just need an outsider witness to get things started."

There was a knock at the door.  Perfect.

Fluttershy looked to me for advice.  I just smiled.  "You should get that."

Hesitantly, she did so.  She peeked outside to see who it was, and she froze in shock.  The door swung past her and revealed who was there.

It was a pair of royal guardsmen.  I came so close to laughing at how perfect that was.

The two stallions marched right in like they owned the place.  "Twilight Sparkle, we were told we could find you here."  Said the one.  He noticed Philomena by my hooves.  "Good, I see you've found the princess's pet."

"Not so much found as 'took her with me'."  I feigned in confession.  "It's just that poor Philomena here was sick with the flu, and I hoped Fluttershy could prescribe a remedy."

The stony faced guard wasn't impressed with what I had to say.  "You should know better than to take somepony's pet without permission."

"I know, but Celestia just left her behind, so I had to do something.  Besides,"  I smiled wide.  "I know how to rid Philomena of her dreadful cough."

"How-"

Before the guard could finish asking his question, I lit my horn with a powerful evocation.  Fire engulfed Philomena to my glee, catching her by surprise.  The tiny bird flapped her useless wings wildly and squawked shrilly.  The consuming fire reduced her to ashes in a matter of seconds.

I smiled at the guards faces.  The stony indifference was successfully replaced by complete shock.  Hiding the laughter in my voice, I delivered the good news.  "There, no more flu."

That didn't seem to help.  So flabbergasted they were that the only way I knew they weren't completely frozen was them exchanging glances.  Their decision on what to do next was both unanimous and swift;  the guards rushed forward and slammed me to the floor.

I grunted at the impact.  "Oh yeah, I knew you wanted me!"

One guard kept me pinned while the other pulled out a set of chains with metal cuffs.  "You're going away for a long time, criminal scum!"

I wanted to make a retort, but I had my mind on the chains.  "Where were you keeping that?"

He didn't answer when he slapped them on.  The other guy dragged me to my hooves and pushed me to the door.  "You're going to explain yourself directly to the princess."

"I'm looking forward to it."

The chains rattled with my hindered gait.  The angry guards forcefully pushed me forward to keep me going, meanwhile Fluttershy actually kept a calm mind and tried to argue.  Tried, but unobtrusively.  "Um, the book says fire doesn't harm phoenixes..."

The guards, now with a bad guy to keep their focus, weren't listening.  I wasn't too bothered, though.  If these guys didn't even know who Celestia's personal student was, their ignorance was gonna fuel our laughter in the near future.

I also had to admit that their restraints could use some work; they didn't block my magic or anything, so I wasn't in any danger of getting thrown in prison.  Maybe they just didn't have an anti-magic ring on them.

Just because I was getting arrested didn't mean I couldn't be friendly, so I struck up some conversation.  "So, does guard work get good benefits?"  They pointedly ignored my inquiry, presumably because I was a criminal.  "'Cause I was thinking about joining up if this librarian thing didn't work out.  I guess it didn't if I resorted to setting birds on fire to make ends meet.  You know what that's like?"

"Stop talking."  One guard commanded.

"You can't make me; we might be living in a diarchy, but we still have free speech.  Too bad you guys don't have Miranda Rights you could give me, cause that might actually shut me up."

They didn't react to my retort, but I knew I was getting on their nerves.  I looked back to see Fluttershy following us.  I flashed her a smile that she couldn't quite return.

"Anyway, I guess the only thing I don't understand is how you guys can stand wearing that armor all the time.  Is it made of actual gold, or is that just paint?"

No answer.

"That's not even mentioning that you all look the same.  Would I have to turn myself into a white stallion to join up, or would I have been working at night?"

We arrived in town by this point.  Ponies looked on curiously, some even loudly proclaiming they saw this coming.

"Yeah, you guys are very informative.  I'm glad we had this talk.  Hey, remember when I tried to get into Sugarcube Corner and you guys didn't know who I was?  Our friendship has come a long way.  You didn't even know my name, and now you've given me an affectionate nickname."

"I said quiet, criminal!"

"Yeah, that's the one."  I chuckled.

We arrived at town hall just in time to see a prison cart manned by two more identical guards.  Mr. Whiplash was glowering from within at the princess listening to him ruing the day.

"I was so close!"  He growled.  "If only you hadn't traced my calling card to my location, I would be ten thousand bits richer!"

"And now you're going to jail for a long time."  Celestia shot back.  She smiled at the guards around her.  "Good work, everypony.  This is one thief whose obsession with gold landed him in the most resplendent prison in Equestria."

One of the guards in front of her coughed and pointed in our direction.  Celestia turned curiously and froze at the sight of me in chains.

I looked around the plaza to see the many ponies spectating the arrest.  My friends were all there, all concerned and surprised at this turn of events.  Spike was there too, but he was trailing a claw down his face, mouthing "Damn it, Dusk."  I don't know what his problem was, since this was really only a matter of time.

Celestia blinked uncomprehendingly.  "Twilight?  What is... why are you...?"

I sighed dramatically.  "Mane, you pee on the sidewalk one time, and you get branded for life."

One of the guards lightly smacked me in the back of the head.  "Stop that."

I smirked defiantly.  "Make me, tough guy."

"Stop."  Celestia intoned powerfully.  "Why have you arrested my faithful student?"

The guards slumped slightly, hesitant to bear the bad news.  The guard farthest from me took the stand.  "Your highness, we have bad news.  Twilight Sparkle murdered your pet."  He held out a bag filled with ashes.

I burst out laughing.  "Oh my God!  You put her ashes in a zip lock bag!  That's fucking hilarious!"

The guard slapped me in the head again.  "Don't be rude, criminal!"

"Wait one moment, you mean to tell me that Twilight killed Philomena?"  Celestia asked.

"Yes, princess."

"What was the murder method?"

"Incineration, your highness."

Celestia's left cheek puffed out as she tried to keep a straight face.  "Incineration, you say?"

"Yes.  Twilight Sparkle brazenly cast a fire spell on your beloved pet and reduced her to ashes."

The crowd of onlookers gasped.

"What?"  I asked with faux confusion.  "That's not illegal!  I set things on fire all the time."

"It's very illegal to set birds on fire!"  Argued the guard.

"How was I supposed to know that?  Not all of us are psychic!"

"You don't need to be psychic to understand basic empathy!"

"I didn't take philosophy in college!"

"It's comes naturally to most ponies!"

Celestia called for us to stop.  "Hold on a moment, I need to make a few things clear."  She took a deep breath to regain her fraying composure.  "Now, can anypony tell me the species of my pet?"

Nopony answered, which left me to say something.  "... bird?"

"It's a type of bird, yes."

"Pelican!"

Celestia hid her face with a hoof.  She didn't want anypony to notice her smile.  "Oh goodness, I wonder how long you can keep this up."

"Long enough to run out the statute of limitations."  I boasted.

Celestia shook her head with a gleeful sigh.  "Twilight, in all seriousness, do you know what kind of bird she was?"

"Yeah, I knew."  I admitted.  "That's why it's funny."

"And you know you really shouldn't be pranking my guards like this?"

"Yeah, but who could resist?"

Celestia apparently agreed, because she laughed.  Her tranquil laughter confused absolutely everypony except me and Fluttershy.  Looks were passed around in search of some kind of answer, but none were found.

When her laughter finally ceased, she smiled calmly at the guard holding the bag.  "Please open the bag."

He did so without any hesitation.  The very moment the bag unsealed, the ashes swirled into the air like a cyclone.  The guard dropped the bag in shock and backed away at the shocking turn of events.  Were these ashes haunted?  Well, I knew better, but nopony else did.

The swirling of ashes was interrupted by a blinding flash of light, leaving a majestic fiery red bird in its wake.  The newly resurrected Philomena alighted to the ground with a radiant heated trail.  If she looked pitiful before, she was magnificent now with her glowing yellow eyes like the core of a burning flame and stature rivaling any grown pony.

"Damn, that's a cool bird."  I said.

"As everypony can see, Philomena is a phoenix."  Celestia explained.  "Fire rolls right off of her, but she ignites when the time is right for her to renew herself.  Twilight never harmed her."

"So it was all just a prank?"  Rainbow asked from the sidelines.

"Yeah, Philomena and I agreed to do it together."  I revealed giddily.  Philomena hovered over and lifted a wing for a high five.  I didn't question how a bird would know the method, so I made my hoof ethereal long enough to slip it out of the cuff and revert it in time to slap some feathers.

Celestia walked close to us, smiling serenely as ever.  "That was very amusing."

"I knew you'd like it."  I said with a wink.

"Of course."  Pause.  "You realize that you'll need to pay a fine, right?"

"To see a friend smile?  Worth it."

Celestia's smile widened a bit.  She beckoned her bird.  "Come, Philomena, we're going home."

The phoenix flapped twice and landed gracefully on the princess's back.  She waved at me, and I waved back.

"Goodbye, Twilight.  I hope next time you don't pretend to do something illegal for a cheap laugh."

"No promises."  I smiled and waved.

The guards removed the chains, giving me a dirty look, and pursued their princess.  They brought the jail cart with them, and the royal visit to Ponyville concluded once more.

My friends gathered around me with varied expressions.  Rainbow was smirking in approval in stark contrast to Rarity and Applejack.  Pinkie was smiling broadly at me in a mysterious manner.  At least Fluttershy merely looked perplexed at the series of events.  Spike, on the other hoof, was unimpressed.  I might be off the hook once I explain that Fluttershy was the original pranking victim.

We'd have to talk it out over lunch.  I haven't eaten all day.