//------------------------------//
// 2 - Royally Misgendered 
// Story: Never Wish on a Falling Star While Drunk 
// by Jaygor 
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	Suddenly the headache, the nausea, the burning embarassement all went away, only to be replaced by breath-stealing cold. I came up spluttering and trying unsuccessfully to get a full lung of air. The water was only about waist deep, and I was eventually able to get my feet under me. I slogged back to shore, clothes clinging to me, impeding my motions and my jacket seemed to have absorbed about half my weight in water. 


	        On top of that, have you ever jumped in cold water? I don't mean the "Oh my god you said the water was fine" kind of cold water. I mean the “what the hell is wrong with people who do this voluntarily” kind of gold water. The kind of water where you think you're heart is going to stop, and it makes every muscle in you body contract, including the ones that need to not be contracted for you to breath properly. 


	        I managed to pull myself up on the bank, and then all I could do was concentrate on trying to get enough air into my lungs to stay conscious. What little of my vision that wasn't dazzled by the bright sunlight was obscured by tunnel vision. 


	        "Uh, twi?" Came Applejack's country drawl, "did you forget that winter wrap up was just last week? The ice has barely melted."


	        "Oh. Uh right. Of course I ...uh... Sorry. Are you OK? I mean, you're not a threat are you? You gave the girls quite a scare." A shadow passed over my head. I looked up at a pointed siloette against the sky. 


	        "Who’s the threat to whom?" I don't think it came out as anything approaching words, based on the confused tilt of the head above me. I opened my mouth to try again, but my teeth were starting to chatter. 


	        "I think hypothermia is setting in. I need to fix this.”


	        "Hypo-what?"


	        "He's cold, Dashie," came Applejack's voice. "If you don't think it's a threat, our place is closest."


	        "And if it is, Darling, at least we're not taking it into a populated area."


	        "Thanks, Rarity, that's very comforting. If it had any fight in it, I think Twi's just about drowning it has fixed that for the time being."


	        "I.. I just… Agggghhh!" The pointy siloette loomed closer. "I'm terribly sorry... Ah... Whatever you are. I'd like to take you to somewhere warm. I promise to be more gentle. Is that OK with you?"


	        There was a long pause. The tunnel vision had cleared enough that I could just make out the ponies exchanging confused glances.   


	"That means yes. Sorry I guess hand gest-GAHHH!" I said. 


	        There was a bright flash of violet light, a sense of being surrounded by nothingness, a sense of  falling forever, even though it only lasted a moment. Suddenly, I was on a much harder surface. 


	        "Gaahhhhh!" A second male voice. I guess I wasn't the only one taken off guard by whatever just happened. 


	"Sorry Big Mac. Could I borrow your kitchen for a bit? It's kind of urgent."


	"What the hay is that thing?"


	"We're still working on that. Could you give us some time?"


	"Yep! Yep! Yep! No problem!" he said with high level of enthusiasm. My eyes focused on a kitchen that looked like I'd seen at the living history museum, or maybe "Little House on the Prairie" reruns. There was scrubbed wooden table and chairs, a wood-fired stove, pots and pans hanging on the wall. One wall had a door that was closed, and another had a door that apparently led outside. A red flank was disappearing out it. 


	"Oh. Could we borrow some blankets?" she shouted after him. 


	"Yep!" Came his receding voice as he went out the door. He kicked it closed behind him with more force than necessary. 


	        Twilight stood in silence for a moment, looking back and forth between the door to the outside that Big Mac had just taken and a second door that presumable led to the rest of the house. 


	        Somewhere in the house another door opened. "You don't want to go in there," Big Macs voice came through the door. There was more talking, but that was apparently enough to satisfy Twilight. I guess the big brave stallion had opted to go around the house rather than cross the room with the half-drowned ape thing.  


	        Twilight turned to me, looking a bit more concerned that suspicious now. "You can talk, can't you? I didn't imagine things?" 


	        "Ye-ye-yeah," I stammered with a quivering jaw. I sat up and hugged myself. All that seemed to do was squeeze more cold water out of my clothes and against my skin. 


	        "And you're not here to attack Ponyville or anything like that, are you?"


	        "Nu-nu-nu-no!"


	        "I'm so sorry about the pond and everything. I don't know what I was thinking. We've had a couple attacks this week, and I might overacted just a bit." 


	        Ya Think? I kept it to myself though. The door behind her opened slightly and a red muzzle appeared just long enough to drop a multicolored quilt on the floor. The door was closed again before the blanket had even hit the floor.  


	        I shifted closer to the stove. I was stiff and shivering. The heat was hitting my face and hand. It felt good. "Can we talk after I get out of these clothes?" I said, slowing bringing my feet under me. 


	We stared at each other blankly for a long moment before she gave a small gasp of realization. "Right. You'd probably rather undress alone. I'll leave you to it." A pinkish-red blush appeared on her cheeks. How did that work. How does fur blush? I dunno "magical ponies." That's the only answer. 


	She retreated through the door backward. Just before her head disappeared, she shot me an apologetic look and closed her eyes. There was a brief glow from her horn. I couldn't help but brace myself, but nothing happened. The glow died and she disappeared behind the door. 


	        What was that? Ward against my escape? Tracking spell in case I did? Eavesdropping spell in case I started MWAHAHAing? I just shrugged and turned to the stove started peeling off my wet, clingy clothes. The sudden dip in the pond had done a surprisingly good job of washing off the...stuff. My stomach was still a bit tender to think about it. I guess it hadn't had time to penetrate. Whatever. I was in Ponyville now. The local designated overanalyzer was on the other side of the door behind me. I should probably just lay off for a bit. 


	Some chairs made an impromptu clothes rack. The cold had sunk through to my bones. The heat from the stove felt GOOOOD, but it was just surface warmth. Worse, it was only one side. I found myself rotating like a rotisserie chick in a shop window, always bringing my cold side forward to warm, only to find my other side getting cold. The quilt would help. I didn’t want to move away from the stove, but I needed that quilt. I was across the room and lifting it off the floor when the outer door slammed open. 


	        "I really wish she'd warn us when she was going to do that," Applejack said over her shoulder. Then time stood still. 


	        AJ was already in the room. Pinkie and Rarity were mostly in. Rainbow Dash had been taking up the rear, but being in the air meant she could see clearly over the other ponies heads. 


	        "What's going on?" Came a soft voice from the back. Fluttershy reared up to get a view, then brough a hoof to her mount. "Oh. Oh my." 


	I scooped up the quilt and swept it round my waist in one smooth movement. OK. I'll admit it. You know how sometimes you pick up a blanket and go pull it over you only to find that you grabbed it in the wrong place and it's not fully unfolded, so then you shift you grip and that seems to somehow make it worse, and then you try again.... It was more like that. After what felt like half an hours of that, I gave up and wrapped the still-mostly-wadded blanket around my midsection. 


	        The reactions from the ponies were varied. Dash was clearly trying not to laugh, but not entirely succeeding. She had a hoof stuffed against her mouth and was making snorting noise. Pinkie was doing a slightly better job. Only slightly. Rarity had managed to find one of the decorative plates hung on the wall indescribably facinating. Fluttershy had apparently recovered from her initiatial shock, and now she looked...studious. I couldn't be sure.         


	Applejack, on the other hand, had a face that  spoke volumes. It was saying something like "I've got three days worth of chores to do in the next two. The weather Pegasi have moved up the schedule for the next storm. Granny is giving me gyp over changing her pie recipe by one lousy teaspoon of butter, and now there's YOU. Yes You, right here, naked and dripping water all over my kitchen. I wonder who's going to get to mop that up? Isn’t this my lucky day. 


	"Um..." I ventured. "Is there a more appropriate place I should hang my clothes?" 


	"No," she said with a sigh. "I recon that'll do just fine."


	The second door opened just wide enough for Twilight's head to appear to look at the other ponies "Oh high girls." Then at me. "Oh." Then back at the other ponies. "Why don't you come in here and get comfortable." If possible, her voice went up another octave with each sentence and doubled in speed. 


	Applejack lead the way across the room. "Don't mind if I do, seein' as it's my house." She shot me a sidelong glance that did more to secure my good behavior than whatever spell Twilight could have passed. 


	With the ponies safely on the other side of the door, I retreated to the wood stove and repositioned the quilt into a proper wrap. Now what?  With a certain amount of shame, I opted to eavesdrop on the conversation in the other room. They weren't exactly being quiet. 


	Rainbow Dash's brash voice came through the door. "So what is it, anyway? I haven't seen anything like that before." 


	There was a long pause. 


	"Why are you all looking at me?" came a soft voice almost too quiet to hear. 


	"You're the animal expert. Any guesses?"


	"Well. If I didn't know better, um, I'd think it was some kind of big monkey."


	"Ah monkey? That ain't like no monkey I've ever heard tell of. Don't monkeys have tails?"


	"The poor thing may have lost it to a predator."


	"And more fur," said Rainbow Dash. "Like. A lot more fur." 


	"Maybe it has mange. I'm sure I could get it back into good health. Let's see, if I clear out the-."


	"Your concern is admirable Fluttershy," Twilight cut her off, "but this isn't a lost woodland creature. Let's not forget that she's wearing clothes-"


	"WAS wearing clothes," Pinkie cut in. “You took care of that.” 


	-and can talk," Twilight finished, ignoring the interruption. Wait, did she say “she?” I just misgendered by flying purple pony princess. This was going to be a day of firsts. 


	        "Yep. Right up until you dunked it like a donut in coffee. Hmmm. Now I want donuts." 


	        "Ok. Ok. I could have handled that better." 


	        "Uh, Twi," Applejack said as though broaching a difficult topic. "You do know that's not a she."


	"No?" 


	"No."


	"But what about the ...uh." 


	"I don't rightly know, but that ain't no mare. Or whatever."


	"Applejack's right. And it's consistent with monkeys to have...you know... Those parts on the outside." 


	Ok. Enough was enough. This was getting out of hand. Worse, my headache reasserting itself and settling in for a long stay. Time for my grand entrance. I pushed the door open and stepped in. “Human. Ladies. If you want to know my species, it’s called human.” I pulled myself up to my full height as I stepped through the door with all the dignity I could muster. And promptly lost it all as I caught my forehead on the doorframe. “Son of a….”


	Note to self: Pony archetechture is just a bit shorter than you might expect. 


	I recovered quickly, and stood up again. Dignity. I was radiating dignity. From my wild, dunked-in-a-pond-and-never-combed hair, to my body wrapped in a borrowed blanket, with apples on it, to my bare feet. Yep. That was dignity alright. 


	“Is that a type of monkey?” Pinkie asked. 


	“No. Not a monkey.”


	“But it’s related to monkeys, right?” This was Fluttershy. 


	“No. Well yes. Distantly.” 


	Fluttershy’s eyes roamed over my bare arms. “I have some salves and poltices-”


	“I don’t have mange!” I may have said that with a bit more heat than I intended. I took a deep breath, concentrating on relaxing as I let it out. “Thank you for the offer, but Humans are mostly furless. This is my normal condition, if you don’t count my splitting headache.” 


	I caught Applejack leaning in close to Rainbow Dash, bringing her mouth close to the other mare’s ear. “So he’s supposed to look like unbaked pie dough?” Dash stifled a snigger. 


	Twilight cleared her throat, drowning them out. “Maybe we should start with introductions. I’m Twilight Sparkle, but I get the impression you already knew that. What’s your name.”


	“Cliff.” 


	AppleJack raised an eyebrow. “You mean like on the edge of a mountain?” 


	Rainbow added with a smirk “Do you have brothers named things like outcrop, or bluff?”


	“No,” I said flatly. “And can I just point out,” I pointed to each pony in turn. “Meteorological event, oddly colored dessert pastry, lack of abundance, time of day, portmanteau of an insect flight pattern and a personality trait, and …” my mind blanked when I got to Applejack, but then a shadow of a memory floated back from my Saturday mornings watching cartoons. “…a breakfast cereal.”


	There was a long uncomfortable silence until Pinkie said “Portman-what?”


	“Later Pinkie,” Twilight said, then turned her eyes at me. “It’s nice to meet you Cliff. I’m sure we can all sit down and figure all this out reasonably. Have a chair?” Her horn was glowing and felt a chair from the kitchen bump against the back of my legs. My knees buckled and I was sitting with a bump. 


	“Geez! A little warning? Maybe even ask first?” The words came out before I  could stop them. 


	“You know he’s got a point Twi,” Applejack put in. “I know you’re the Element of Magic an’ all, but when it comes to that, you can be a little… grabby…sometimes.”


	“Yeah.” Rainbow kicked in. “Like when you grab my tail just as I’m taking off. You did it just the other day.”


	“You were about to fly straight into a bugbear hive.”


	“I’m not sure Spike appreciates the way you’re always picking him up.”


	Twilights ears shot back and her wings flicked out in surprise. “Spike doesn’t mind…does he?”


	        I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands while the conversation went on around me. Here comes the hangover headache. Way to go Cliff. You’ve been in Equestria maybe an hour and now you’re in the middle of an intervention.


	“Guys,” I finally said. “Can this wait? I think you have something more pressing right now.”


	That stopped the conversation. “Maybe you’re confused sugar cube. We’re all gals.”


	“Sorry. Where I come, the word ‘guys’ has become almost completely gender neutral. Look. Do you have aspirin here? I could really use a couple.”


	“Aspirin?” 


	“Yeah. Acetylsalicylic Acid. Extracted from willow bark.” 


	“Oh I know what you mean. Just seems a bit backward is all.”


	“Well whatever you got. I could use some.” Then I remembered I was a guest, or was it an invader? Or many a captive? How about emissary? Probably, nobody knew at this point. I might be considered a threat to Equestria. Heck, maybe I am and I don’t even know it. A certain amount of discretion was probably a good idea. Don’t be a pain. Don’t make waves. “If you don’t mind that is.” 


	“Sure thing sugar cube. Be right back.”


	“Thank you.” 


	Silence descended as she disappeared further into the house. There was a grandfather clock on the wall who’s tick-tock, tick-rock filled the room. And also started to echo in my skull in an unpleasant way. They were all sitting, some on chairs, some on floor, and looking at me. I’d always thought those big soulful pony eyes were endearing. Don’t get me wrong. They are. Also, for someone like me who isn’t always the quickest at picking up on facial cues, they’re like a big print book of facial expressions. That said, having five pairs of big pony eyes fixed on you can be…intense and unnerving. 


	Finally Twilght cleared her throat. “On the, um, subject of guys and gals….” 


	“Yeah,” Rainbow cut to the chase. “Are you’re a dude, right?”


	“Yeah. I’m a dude.” 


	She pointed a hoof at Twilight. “Told Ya.”


	“Okaayy,” Twilight said slowly looking back at me. Her cheeks were a delicate lavender-pink. “What about….” She brought up a hoof and indicated two points on either side of her chest. 


	As I’ve already mentioned, I’m a big nerd, and I can have this tendency to fall back on a thing; call it the “nerd shield.” When in an awkward, uncomfortable, or ever scary situation, it helps to fall back on the technical, the jargon, the most precise, scientific, and technical language you can, robbing the topic of any emotional meaning. I guess I did it here, falling back on my past readings of evolutionary theory. 


	“Yes,” I said. “They’re there, and they are what you think they are.” I flashed my chest. That was probably a miscalculation, as it earned a small gasp from several of them. Shockingly, Fluttershy recovered fastest, and then looked… studious. She was obviously still working on slotting this fascinating new specimen into her taxonomic view of the world. 


	“But they’re not functional.”


	“So you don’t give milk?”


	“No Rainbow. I don’t.”


	“Well I should hope not,” Applejack said from the doorway, mouthing around the jar in her teeth. I took it gratefully.


	“I’ll get you some water. Do go on, this is fascinatin’. It’s an odd house that has a spigot where there ain’t a well.” 


	I took a deep breath. Time for a deep dive. “The prevailing theory is that an important process in my species’ recent evolution is neoteny, or the preservation of juvenile features into the adult. That includes things like bigger heads, bigger eyes…” I trailed off as I looked at the ponies in front me. Hmmm.         I’d apparently lost Pinkie and Dash, who’s heads were canted at sharp angles. Rarity had a hoof to her mouth and was looking at me, but otherwise appeared lost in thought. Twilght and Fluttershy, on the other hand (hoof? Whatever)…  They were nodding along. 


	“One side effect of neoteny, at least for our species, is decreased sexual dimorphism. There are still differences, but some of those differences got erased. I guess you could say the reason males have them is because women need them, and there’s no easy evolutionary route to take them off men without also doing so with women, or at least impacting their function. I’d say it’s just an accident, but that’s probably teleological. I mean…“


	I trailed off, my train of thought derailed. Fluttershy was still looking thoughtful, but Twilight had gone through some sort of transformation. She was resting her chin on a hoof, looking at me through dangerously lidded eyes. Had her eyelids gotten darker? She had an odd little smile. “Please continue,” she breathed. “I haven’t heard such a detailed account of…well… anything, since my student days. You’ve obviously read quite a lot. Perhaps some Steven Neigh Gould?” 


	Inside my head, the echo of a previous thought bounced off the back of my skull and came forward again. Don’t make waves. The voice in my head was then replaced by a new sound. It was the “AH-OOOH-GAH” you hear in sub movies right before “Dive! Dive!” Then came an air raid siren, then a fire engine. 


	“I read …ah some— OH Crap!” I looked back toward my soaked jacket in the kitchen. “I had a book in my pocket when I went in the lake.” 


	Twilight was passed me almost before I was done talking. “Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I can fix this.” Applejack had to jump to one side to avoid being bowled over, splashing from the glass she was carrying in her lips. She just rolled her eyes and held the glass out to me. “Don't you worry none. Twilight might be a bit excitable today, but she knows all about taking care of books and such. I’m sure she has a spell or two to fix water damage.”


	“Or a dozen,” Rarity added flatly. When crate of the old, musty things shows up, we know we’ve lost her for days. 


	From inside the kitchen, I thought I could hear muttering. “Low grade wood pulp. Heavily oxidized. Did they do this on purpose? No linen at all.  Good thing I got to it while it was still wet…”


	“Ya gonna take yer aspirin?”Applejack asked. 


	I looked down at the jar in one hand and the glass in the other; the glass that had so recently been carried by mouth. If I was going to be here any time, I guessed was just going to have to get used to constant low level exposure to horse saliva.  


	I opened the jar and shook out, of course, a horse pill. At least that was what my grandfather would have called the enormous oblong thing taking up a sizable fraction of my palm. I never truly understood the word until the summer I spent on my his farm and saw what the pills you give horses look like. I remembered watching him have to use a tube to blow some enormous pills down the throat of an ailing but reluctant stallion. 


	“Ya gonna take those or do I have to get the tube like with a little filly?” 


	Damn. I guess it’s a thing here too. “No. Thank You!” I choked down a couple pills with a big swig of water. Then another as they stuck somewhere in in my esophagus. Then another. 


	Twilight voice came from the kitchen. “Oh. A deck of cards. Guess I’d better restore— what the hay is this?”


	The cards. Those damned cards.


	I was NOT making a good impression with Applejack. I really wish I hadn’t had a mouth full out water at that moment.