//------------------------------// // 17. The Zero Point Centennial Celebration! // Story: Adrift Off Fiddler's Green: The Final Conversion Bureau Story // by Chatoyance //------------------------------// Adrift Off Fiddler's Green A C o n v e r s i o n B u r e a u S t o r y By Chatoyance 17. The Zero Point Centennial Celebration! sunshine Laughter turned to the rest of her spouses - all seven of them - and shook her head. "I don't care how many times I see that, you ain't catching this pony doing crazy swirl like that. And I've got cinnamon wings!" Rose Vale laughed. "I wonder if it hurts?" "I would suspect that it does, briefly, during the impact." Snowflower carefully watched the gray earthpony with the borsalino exit the stairwell and walk to the edge of the Tudor skyscraper. He laughed, though no one could hear him above the noise from the crowd below. Then he jumped, again, this time arching his back, head down, as if diving into a pool. The splat on the cobblestones formed a red mist. Moments later, the patch of crimson horror faded away, leaving pristine streets once more. The crowd of ponies cheered and stomped their hooves in approval. Suddenly, in a flash of light, the gray earthpony popped back into existence within a nearby respawning tent. A spellwrought stone, much like the ones used for commercial teleportation, had been set upon the ground there. The gray stallion had previously touched the stone, now he was spawn-anchored to it. "I don't think he cares one lone bit." Honeydrizzle's face took on a look of distaste. "I think he just loves the attention whatever the price." "Isn't he that famous old P.E.R. guy?" Newmoon turned to Lavender "The... oh, he was supposed to be the head of it all or something." Aquamarine nodded, as she nuzzled Goldenrod. "Yes! Um... Grey... something... Grey Paladin? Grey Guardian? Something like that?" "Nopony cares anymore. One hundred years since the last human to convert." Sunshine chuckled. "I guess you got to get your ya-ya's however you can. I guess jumping off buildings is something." She stretched her wings and yawned. "Hey, let's get some snacks, set them up here. This roof works for me, how about you?" The others agreed. It was a fine location which no other pony had found yet, and while they waited for the parade to begin, they could always watch the gray earthpony dirt diving over and over. The conquering of death was very new and thus still somewhat entertaining. The poor little megalopolis of Ponyville was bursting at the seams. Never in the entire history of Equestria had there been such a crowd in one single place. It was standing room only, on every street, and above every street it was hovering room only. There was not a rooftop left that was not host to far more ponies than it had ever seen, and if not for the unique physics of the universe, structural collapse would have been a concern. There were ponies perched on windowsills, ponies sitting on the arches of spritelight streetlanterns, ponies on bridges, ponies on flagpoles. If there was four square hooves of space, anywhere in the vast city, there was a pony on it. Or a griffon, or a diamond dog, or even a dragon. Most of the dragons, however, simply chose to circle above in the sky. It was the best possible view, and it was impressive and intimidating. Most dragons tended to like being seen thus. They had been requested to open their ranks a little, however, simply to let more sunlight reach the ground. Grumbling, they agreed. Literal fortunes were being made for the owners of every restaurant, cafe, bistro and salt pub in the city. Fortune was also favoring every other business as well - hotels and inns were beyond peak levels, packing visitors within rooms that could barely contain them. Naturally, statistically, in a population this large, there were terrible accidents of all kinds. Hundreds of deaths had occurred by noon alone, many of them, as a surprised Great Police Chief Chua discovered, happening to the same few unlucky, or daredevil, ponies. Chua was determined to file reports for every single death, but it was beginning to register to him that just investigating the events of this one day would cause him a backlog of filling out forms for the rest of the year. He began considering a new career very seriously. The entire staff of the Canterlot Querier was spread across the city, with every employee turned instant cub or stringer, from the copyeditor to the typesetter out taking pictures and writing grafs. Every newspaper was doing the same - there was too much to cover, and it was all once in a... lifetime no longer applied. A lifetime was forever now. Then... once in a century then, and this was the very first time. Every employee of the Querier was on the job, made reporter for the day whatever their previous work, save one. Frontpage did his best to stand still. It was not at all easy, because there was kissing to be done, and that somehow seemed to take priority. "Sir!" The Royal Valet To The Guests Of Canterlot was not having an easy day. "I appreciate the fascinations of newly established matrimony, but I have been charged by the princess herself to see you properly attired. I must insist - please remain still! I assure you that your lovely mare will still be there when I am finished!" Frontpage pulled his head back from the eager administrations of Crimson Acres. "Ah, uhm. Sorry. It's been a bit of a marmalade dropper all around." He found himself desperately wanting to lean forward again. Crimson just looked so amazing in that gold and burgundy baroque gown. She seemed even more eager than he, which only made it worse. "You can't believe what we've been through." The Valet had Frontpage raise his head so that he could arrange the Breezie silk ascot that had replaced the reporter's usual tie. Gotchararzzi had insisted that he wear a tie, and after several years he could no longer imagine going out without the adornment. Puffpiece had made fun of him initially, but then, after Frontpage got a raise, soon started wearing one as well. Earth fashions were haute couture in the Canterlot region. "I don't believe what we've been through, and I was there! Twice!" Crimson laughed, and Frontpage joined in. "Sir! Please!" The Royal Valet had passed Flustered and was entering the harsh landscape of the Annoyed. "Sorry, Sorry. It's just, seriously, you can't imagine." "I am certain I cannot. But we need to work together to properly dress you sir! The princess commands it!" Frontpage grinned. "Yeah, yeah. She's a stickler for details, I know. You should switch over to the night shift. Luna's the fun one." "SIR!" The valet was positively offended. And a little afraid. "Sorry. Again." Frontpage tried to be contrite. "But's it's true. You know it's true." He was laughing, because Crimson was laughing. "Please sir, do not compare princesses in my presence!" The middle of Annoyed was a bad place to be. "Sor... Ah, I'll just shut my yap and let you get on with it." Frontpage managed to stop giggling for no reason. Closing his eyes helped. Crimson was being silly to trip him up, and it was just too much. "Sir is truly a gentlesire." In his mind, the Valet added 'Not!', but did not speak it. Reporters and farm hooves as royal guests of the highest station! Canterlot was better in the old days. A thousand and some hundred years had not improved things one bit. It was hardly worth it being returned from the dead, if this was the sort of thing that... The princess Luna, diarch of the night, entered the chamber. Today marked a rare appearance while the sun was ascendant. It was a unique day. Ponies bowed, low, all around. Save for one. "Hey, toots - we were just talking about you!" Frontpage tried to wave, but his forelegs were tangled in cloth, pins, and measuring tape. Unicorns had been re-sewing his sleeves while the Royal Valet dealt with the details. The Valet cringed at the words. "How now, Frontpage. Becometh thee a poppinjay, hath thou? Any betterment of thy state could ne'er be too timely." The Valet softly chuckled at that. "Lady Crimson, thou art most resplendent indeed." Luna looked over the proceedings and nodded. "Ready them most swiftly, the procession doth stay upon their arrival." The Royal Valet and the Unicorns In Waiting immediately returned to their jobs. "While it is not ours to pry into our reporter's words about us, we feel ascertained, by the virtue of his great reputation..." Luna winked at Frontpage "...that whatso'er he may hath said about us must assuredly be naught but the most veritable of truths." It was only by the greatest of efforts that Frontpage and Crimson kept from laughing until the princess had entirely left the room. Derpalina made faces in the crystal surfaces of the roots of the Tree. The Tree Of Harmony was relatively small above the surface of the ground, but it was vast below it. Endless caverns under the ancient ruin of the castle of the Pony Sisters radiated in all directions from a central chamber. The caverns ran across the whole of Equestria, recently deep into the Exponential lands. They were filled with crystaline, magictechnological roots that maintained and supported the very world. When the Sisters first wrested Order from the Chaos of their mad brother, Discord, they soon discovered that preserving their work was problematic. Chaos gradually devoured their early attempts at stability and constancy, and it seemed unbeatable. It was the sister that would eventually call herself Luna that suggested an attempt to duplicate the mechanisms of the great ship, the Multiversal Mover, that they existed within. They dare not mess with the machinery that supported and generated them, but if they made their own... The result looked nothing like the invention of the mysterious Builders, the Krawlni. The living crystaline thaumotechnology was inferior, but it worked - and it could grow and spread on its own. They appended their work to the heart of the great ship, and when at last they had divided the chaos with land, the crystal Tree maintained and supported their work. It was their first true success - Order in the midst of disorder. The Tree Of Harmony was the foundation of all Equestria. It held and bound reality itself together. "You know, my lovely Derpalina, this whole thing is a bit of a tosh work. It's basically a duct-tape job, when you get down to it. But in the end, it's not the least rubbish. They made it work, and work it has - over ten thousand years and still ticking over. Brilliant!" "Have you fixed it aaaalllll up?" Derpalina was beside him now, hovering in the air. Her little gray wings beat quickly in excited hope. "Can we go to th' party? PARTY! PARTY! Lil' Dinky is waiting for us!" Time Turner finished adjusting the last of the gem-like root nodes with his sonic 'wand'. The device hummed and whirred as he held it in his teeth. "'Er! Uhn!" He put the device away within the thick and coarse stands of his tail. Friction kept it in place very neatly. "That does it, then. Equestria won't explode after all! Isn't that wonderful my lovely? I'm quite chuffed!" "Whadid you do? Whadid you do?" Derpy tended to forget things easily. Turner thought for a moment. He smiled. "Equestria was going to pop like a balloon, because it was was being... over inflated. So to speak. Celestia had been a bit numpty about the whole 'life and death' business. No use in getting into an argy-bargy about it with her - not that she'd listen to me anyway - so we popped down here and did a spot of hyperdimentional plumbing. Drain's clean, nopony the wiser, and no more shambolic Equestria. Everything is tickety-boo now!" "WOW! Tha's wonnnnderful!" Derpalina did a little loop and smiled widely. "But what did you DOOOO?" Turner chuckled. "I fixed everything. Literally. Literally everything. I fixed it." Derpalina dropped to the soil of the cavern and pressed herself into her husband. "You are soooooo smart!" "Yes, well." Turner gave her a little peck on the poll. "Shall we head back to the barn then, and get to that rather large knees up they're throwing?" "PARTY!!!" Derpalina loved parties. Especially ones with cake and muffins. "Right then." Turner gave Derpalina a large kiss, which made her golden eyes roll for a bit. "Off we go!" The delicate white mare bounced along on pearlescent hooves. She pranced giddily among the other ponies, as they marched in the massive parade. Suddenly, she stopped, stared, and did a very cute leap and twirl of joy. "Look! Look big sister! Can you see? Can you see???" Nutmeg joined her jubilant junior. Ginger was easily excitable at the best of times, but she did her little jumping pirouette only for extraordinary matters. "What is it, Ginger? It's hard to see anything in this crowd!" "There! Over there!" Ginger leapt up, jabbing the air with a dainty forehoof. "Hanging from the street lantern! All the street lanterns!" Nutmeg did her best to try to see over the floats and banners and prancing, dancing ponies. This was the largest celebration Equestria had ever known, and even the megalopolis of Ponyville could barely contain it. Ginger kept gesturing, leaping and pointing, and eventually Nutmeg understood what - amidst everything else that was going on - had so excited her little sister. It was a piñata. Piñatas hung from every street lantern - and anything else that had an overhang - everywhere in this part of the city. Of course! This was the Spanish district of Ponyville. The vast city had many such districts, representing just about every culture and background from the long vanished earth. The reason was less culture than food. Fantastic dining was generally considered to be the newfoal's greatest gift to Equestria by most ponies. Burritos, tacos, enchiladas, cheesy-beany-carbohydrate rich deliciousness that was beyond delight to almost all ponies. The Spanish district was just across from Pony Italy - Nutmeg could never, ever, ever get enough pasta or pizza - and right after that district lay Little Russia. Sweet Celestia, but there was a fantastic borscht joint just off the Stirrup Street Overpass. Nutmeg found Ginger in the colorful crowd. Her simple shimmery white coat, mane and tail made spotting her less of a chore against a background of rainbow equinoids. "Yes! I see! Very festive!" Ginger seemed almost hurt. "Nutmeg! Nuuutttttmeg! It's a piñata! A piñata! Like from our very first mission for the P.E.R.!" Nutmeg stumbled. Oh, That was a century ago! And utterly mad. Ginger's ludicrous plans... and all of their misadventures... and... other events. "Nutmeg?" Ginger was beside her now. "What's the matter? We had such fun back then, though I can barely remember any of it. Oh!" "What is it, Ginger?" The snow-white mare bounced on her little hooves. "I remember! I remember something! I know why we needed a piñata! I think I remember anyway!" Nutmeg did her best to keep up with her now gamboling sister. "What? Why did we need a piñata?" For a brief moment, Ginger stopped in the street. Her face took on a comical look. "We did it... FOR THE FOALS!!!" Nutmeg groaned and shook her head. "I can't believe you actually did that, Celestia." Discord slithered through the air and conjured up a chair to sit in. "The griffons will be absolutely outraged... the diamond dogs won't understand it, so they aren't even an issue, but the dragons - Oh! The dragons will be furious! There'll be a war, you know that don't you?" Celestia sipped her tea. "Perhaps." "You can't fight it for them. That's why you need a royal guard, or have you forgotten? If you use your true power, the continents will all be broken apart, and everything everywhere will be destroyed. Or is that your plan?" Discord thought for a bit. He created a cup of tea for himself, and tasted it, his littlest claw held up daintily in the air. "That's a bit grim even for you, and you are the grimmest pony I've ever known." "Ponies outnumber dragons now by one hundred and fifty-five thousand to one." Discord let the monocle which he had brought into existence drop from his eye. "Seriously? Ponies marching off to war? You tried that before and it didn't work. You had to bring the griffons in, and they still haven't recovered. Have you been to Griffonstone lately? Lowest standard of living in Equestria. Not a fun vacation spot." "Perhaps you've noticed that newfoals are not entirely ordinary ponies? Their previous nature is almost irrepressible. If the dragons march, I don't think they will stand a chance. Most ponies are newfoals now. Overwhelmingly." Celestia took another sip, and selected a Madeline from the plate on the table. Discord set his cup down. "You're serious! And any creature that dies in Equestria now 'respawns', as the newfoals call it, and when they come back..." "They come back mentally and emotionally... ponified. The age of the Bureaus taught me much, brother. I should have listened to our sister. She and Sparkle both were right all along." Celestia nibbled the pastry held in her hornfield. "And I was a fool." "What of all that brave talk of 'Free Will' and 'The Sanctity Of Culture' and all that rot?" Celestia gazed off, out the window of the castle. "I learned a harsh lesson from the humans. They were the most dangerous, destructive creatures I have ever known. If they could not kill other animals, they killed each other. They destroyed their entire world, Discord." Celestia looked the draconequus in the eyes. "And the thing of it was that they couldn't help a bit of it. It was not simply their culture, it was their nature, their very biology to do what they did, and be what they were." The princess of the sun took another Madeline. "A family cannot remain together unless they share the same values. Neither can a nation... or a world... or a cosmos. This is my house, Discord. I built this universe, along with my sister. The newfoals taught me what being a ruler really means. If I am Law, then the Law must be absolute... and truly universal." "So, you've finally decided on tyranny? Is that it?" Discord leaned forward, his eyes narrowed. "All power is tyranny, Discord. Order and Chaos both. The very limitations of a universe are a tyranny. The humans knew this implicitly, but I refused to admit it. If a nurturing parent prevents their foal from doing something that they want to do, but which will harm them, that is tyranny. If a loving wife insists that her husbands and co-wives help with the chores, and she can enforce that insistence, that is tyranny. Even the kindest things are despised by some creature, and infantile tantrums follow anything that limits the unbound ego. Even the simple act of asking for more tea..." Celestia held her cup out with her hornfield. Discord almost unthinkingly filled her cup from the lovely iron pot beside the plate of pastries. "...is tyranny. Thank you." Celestia smiled a sly, soft smile, half closed her eyelids, and regally sipped her tea. "Tyranny is rule absolute. My Absolute never changes, and it is entirely friendship and compassion." "And what of those who would prefer violence and cruelty?" The princess of the sun became stern. "Such monsters should not choose to die in my home." The Lord Of Bedlam slowly closed his gaping maw. "Of all the things to come out of this little intrigue of yours, the last thing I could have imagined is the spirit of humanity... living on in you." Inkwell pranced happily in her costume. She loved how all the little silvern bells that decorated her jingled musically. Her antique white and pink circus browband was plumed with a great pink feather. Lacy, pink and white inverted scallop barding graced her body, and her rump breeching followed the scalloped design. She wore a bridle and bit, also in pink and white, and her back was graced with a faux silk saddle with ruffled edges. She was quite the little circus pony, and trotted with her hooves high and a bounce in her walk borne of pride and not a little naughty excitement. The circus pony outfit had become her favorite. Petrichor used to wear something very like it, long ago, back when they were on that strange planet thing. A group of ponies on the sidelines gave loud wolf-whistles at her. She shook her rump and performed a little half-rear as acknowledgement. Almost certainly, they were members of Equestria's growing kink community. Food and scary stories weren't the only entertainments that newfoals had brought to Equestria. "Behave!" Joy pulled on the cable with her teeth. A connected lever system administered a loud and tingly spank from a paddle to both Inkwell and Petrachor's flanks. "Hey! Why'd I get spanked? I didn't do anything!" Petrichor was being particularly well behaved today. Perhaps the magnitude of the celebration had overwhelmed her. Joy laughed. "It's both or nothing, Pet. You can blame Inkwell. She's being quite the little showoff today!" Petrichor turned to Inkwell. "That paddle stings!" She half closed the lids of her eyes. "Act up some more, okay?" From the gigantic, colorful, wildly decorated airships, the megalopolis below was a churning, multi-hued mess. The entire, vast, city of Ponyville was celebrating as one. Banners flew from every Tudor skycraper, parades marched, danced, and sang down every street, and above all of that aerial rivers of pegasai - led by the Wonderbolts themselves - performed stunts and acrobatics between the towering edifices. It was the happiest day that Equestria had ever known. It was certainly nice enough that all of that business with the strange world Celestia tried to save was a full century in the past. It had been a difficult time. But it was far more splendid and magnificent that the princesses had found a means to conquer death and old age forever - and physical suffering as well. A bright, fresh, perfect new body was only a single cliff-dive or a respawn clinic away... and it didn't even leave a mess. For long, anyway. Every loved one, every famous historical personality was back. Starswirl himself gave a lecture on his life from long, long ago in Milan and of his human birth in Vinci. The second newfoal ever, his amniomorphic spell had helped unite the three breeds into one people by assuring that no pony line ever bred true. A pegasus could randomly birth a unicorn or an earthpony, and because of this, separatism became meaningless. In the afternoon, princess Luna joined the Lady Soliloquy to present a remembrance of the very first days of Equestria as a universe. The attendance was so overwhelming that repeat performances were demanded by half the entire city. Celestia gave a gentle and praising speech about the invaluable contributions that newfoals had made to Equestria, and how proud she was of all her little ponies everywhere. In the late afternoon, as dusk was made to approach, a vast and silvery disk hovered over Ponyville. It was countless furlongs in diameter, the shiny metal interrupted only by large black zebra stripes. The entire Canterlot region became a mass of wide eyes and gaping mouths. The voice of a zebra could be heard everywhere and nowhere, as if by magic. "No longer phonies, we hail clever ponies!" That was all, just that. And then the most marvelous light show graced the evening. It was far more than fireworks, but it glowed and shone just as brightly. Some newfoals thought it looked like holography, but that didn't exist in Equestria, did it? It mattered not one bit at all. The show was grand... and then there was music too, from the sky! A strong beat sent everypony to dancing and the revelry lasted until morning when sleepy ponies and other creatures raised their heads from the great pile they had made in the streets - only to notice that the gigantic saucer had entirely vanished. Then Day Two began. The party lasted a week. Somehow, at that point, everypony decided that enough was enough, and began working together to clean up the unimaginable mess and beautify the city. Several days later, they finished, and life went on - though not entirely as before. Through it all, far up on Canterlot Mountain, a little blue cat sat in a window within a tower of Canterlot Castle. She remained there, watching through yellow eyes. Occasionally her servant, Luna, would pop by and provide magically created tasty fish for her to dine upon. The poor pony creature was utterly daft, but the fish she created with her powers served well enough to make up for her faults. Chang'e, the little cat, stared down at the mass of noisy prancing ponies. She flicked her tail dismissively. "Feh. Newfoals." -30- The traditional 'end of story' mark used by journalists. This has been the final book of the Conversion Bureau saga. Thank you to all loyal, true and good readers everywhere. May we all, in our own way, take the purple within our own hearts. - Petal Chatoyance, 2016 The Lost In The Herd Series: One: The Big Respawn, Two: Euphrosyne Unchained, Three: Letters From Home, Four: Teacup, Down On The Farm The Conversion Bureau Novels: 27 Ounces: A story of eight and one half ponies The Taste Of Grass The Conversion Bureau: Code Majeste The Conversion Bureau: The 800 Year Promise The Conversion Bureau: Going Pony The Reasonably Adamant Down With Celestia Newfoal Society! Recombinant 63: A Conversion Bureau Story HUMAN in Equestria: A Conversion Bureau Story The PER: Michelson and Morely Little Blue Cat Cross The Amazon Adrift Off Fiddler's Green: The Final Conversion Bureau Story The Short Stories: Her Last Possession The Conversion Bureau: PER Equitum The Conversion Bureau: Brand New Universe Tales Of Los Pegasus The Poly Little Pony The very first and original Conversion Bureau Group archives only the best Three Rules Compatible stories! Optimalverse Works: Friendship Is Optimal: Caelum Est Conterrens Leftovers: A Friendship Is Optimal Story IMPLACABLE My Life In Fimbria Injectorverse Works: I.D. - That Indestructible Something The More Conventional Fanfics: The Ice Cream Pony Summer Around The Bend PRIDE related works: Transspecieality My FREE music streaming service! Rare, personally chosen anime, SF and fantasy television, movies, and comedy music. A truly unusual collection to listen to, featuring Spot Announcer Dr. Sandi!