The frozen wastes of Stalliongrad teem with conflict and strife as pony, machine, and the wild battle ferociously for control. One unicorn, on a mission she did not ask for, makes her way into Tartarus itself.
“Okay, so I was wrong.” He shrugged as though it was of no consequence.
Our new character displays an irritating amount of stoicism. He makes jabs and casually tosses around either threats or accusations, but there is no personality in any of those actions. He just seems... like a stereotypical tough guy in his introduction. Not even a hint toward what his real personality is like. He should inspire interest, but he does not do so for me.
I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Please. I’m mended and just fine, thanks to you.”
Quite a savvy response you wrote there. It feels like a natural reaction to someone who has repeatedly made these death threats.
I blinked, confused by what I saw. “Just how many different demons are there?”
How curious. She labels the skeleton "Demon" instead of something holy like "Angel." A winged pony after all had clear connection to the Princesses Silver reveres. Then again, she does think the wasteland is hell. But surely Stable 46 has such a concept as fallen angels. It is an intriguing detail and a reminder that the religious upbringing of Silver should be explored more in the story.
Much the same was done for our dead in 46.
A great detail in environmental design that invited a welcome epiphany for our protagonist. The way this epiphany is understated makes it all the better.
Ghost suffers from a lack of generated interest due to a lack of personality. The case should be the opposite, since such a character needs readers invested in his enigma. Other than my misgivings with the new character, I had few problems with the chapter. The moments that need attention receive the minimum needed, and the story benefits from the downplayed element. Though I would like to see more done with the religious and moral conflicts within Silver (at least beyond just the matter of killing), the way this story unfolds has been enjoyable.
So that whole chat log scene, one thing to remember about Fallout is that while they had a lot of awesome tech did their computers lack behind, and they never got the hang of the internet. Sure you could connect computers up on a network, but it was closed networks, so one building/company could not talk with other networks unless you really went out of the way to draw giant cords trough the ground. Like one of few times that we find something like the internet is Vault-tec and how they connected a few select systems up so they could talk with each other. Most of the time we see long range communication do we see radio communication, which is also why there so often are missing info, people would share info over the radio, someone would have to write it down, and if you didn't hear your info, well tough luck. So my point with that long rant is that you would properly not find a chat log in a Fo inspired computer, and that they properly would have called it the old school "mail" instead of chat. A minor nitpick I know, but small things like that really bugs me.
I, like your other commenters, also like your Stygians, gotta love a new monster in the wasteland.
Nitpicks " He pushed passed me and down the stairs." that should just be a past " my simultaneous murderer and savior asked" She is not dead yet, she can still dance and can sing, so I do not think that he is a murderer, maybe assailant, but not murderer. " and the second you step hoof out that door, you’ll be eaten in ten seconds flat" Repetition is bad for a story, so the first second could perhaps be turned into a "moment"? "Though he added that my pipbuck’s illumination spell is too weak to do so." Past tense, and if light hurt them would it properly only annoy and aggravate them, a point that could make the situation even more tense and show how much of a fish out of water our main char is. "Several small torches in glass housings dotted the home;" You did properly mean "candles", I have never heard about small torches. "
Good chapter, interesting idea with the Stygians.
Our new character displays an irritating amount of stoicism. He makes jabs and casually tosses around either threats or accusations, but there is no personality in any of those actions. He just seems... like a stereotypical tough guy in his introduction. Not even a hint toward what his real personality is like. He should inspire interest, but he does not do so for me.
Quite a savvy response you wrote there. It feels like a natural reaction to someone who has repeatedly made these death threats.
How curious. She labels the skeleton "Demon" instead of something holy like "Angel." A winged pony after all had clear connection to the Princesses Silver reveres. Then again, she does think the wasteland is hell. But surely Stable 46 has such a concept as fallen angels. It is an intriguing detail and a reminder that the religious upbringing of Silver should be explored more in the story.
A great detail in environmental design that invited a welcome epiphany for our protagonist. The way this epiphany is understated makes it all the better.
Ghost suffers from a lack of generated interest due to a lack of personality. The case should be the opposite, since such a character needs readers invested in his enigma. Other than my misgivings with the new character, I had few problems with the chapter. The moments that need attention receive the minimum needed, and the story benefits from the downplayed element. Though I would like to see more done with the religious and moral conflicts within Silver (at least beyond just the matter of killing), the way this story unfolds has been enjoyable.
I look forward to the next chapter!
So that whole chat log scene, one thing to remember about Fallout is that while they had a lot of awesome tech did their computers lack behind, and they never got the hang of the internet. Sure you could connect computers up on a network, but it was closed networks, so one building/company could not talk with other networks unless you really went out of the way to draw giant cords trough the ground. Like one of few times that we find something like the internet is Vault-tec and how they connected a few select systems up so they could talk with each other. Most of the time we see long range communication do we see radio communication, which is also why there so often are missing info, people would share info over the radio, someone would have to write it down, and if you didn't hear your info, well tough luck.
So my point with that long rant is that you would properly not find a chat log in a Fo inspired computer, and that they properly would have called it the old school "mail" instead of chat. A minor nitpick I know, but small things like that really bugs me.
I, like your other commenters, also like your Stygians, gotta love a new monster in the wasteland.
Nitpicks
" He pushed passed me and down the stairs." that should just be a past
" my simultaneous murderer and savior asked" She is not dead yet, she can still dance and can sing, so I do not think that he is a murderer, maybe assailant, but not murderer.
" and the second you step hoof out that door, you’ll be eaten in ten seconds flat" Repetition is bad for a story, so the first second could perhaps be turned into a "moment"?
"Though he added that my pipbuck’s illumination spell is too weak to do so." Past tense, and if light hurt them would it properly only annoy and aggravate them, a point that could make the situation even more tense and show how much of a fish out of water our main char is.
"Several small torches in glass housings dotted the home;" You did properly mean "candles", I have never heard about small torches.
"