Hello everone fixed a bit of chapter 1, chapter 2 is out and if you love the cover art please go thank http://sketchydoodlepony.deviantart.com for the new cover. Have a nice day everyone.

Since me wearing the dress was deemed to be too ‘Distracting…’ and we are suppose to be ‘incognito.’

And I imagine the explanation abruptly ended there.

I asked, while swinging my arm

You forgot for a moment we were writing about magical horses.

“My friend Ssssss-” he stopped and glanced at me “-Sssspoky made it fireproof."

It sure is fun to see this character carry his secrets right on his face.

I felt the cool air in the hotel but where it came from was a good question. Thankfully, the fire outside kept this place well lit at least and not in a totally creepy way. The back wall had rows of bottles some were alcohol others I couldn’t even pronounce. To the left, there were wanted posters all over, like a terrible wallpaper collage around the door. The right wall had a large hoof drawn portrait of nightmare moon laying on a couch with her hoof outreached becomingly.

I am surprised to only see a setting description of this quality so far into the story. Setting descriptions had mostly been bland and uninspired for the past two chapters. Suddenly, we have this intriguing new location with an alluring attention to details that begged dozens of questions about its inhabitants. And more importantly, it makes a reader pine for their stories. Why weren't there more of these kind of descriptions before?

Slamming down on the table gave me a nice reminder that my bandaged hoof was still injured.

Silver's childish personality is more prevalent than before, I notice.

A cold breeze passes by sending shivers down her spine.‘Shutters’

This line here is too noticeable to forgive. Something like this just breaks the immersion instantly.

“Can I try this out?” I ask while pointing at the rifle.
Crescent took a sip of his drink.
“Read the manual first and be careful” he responded.

How nonchalant. That under-reaction works for him.

I shifted so my back was to him and kept on talking to pinkie.

It's like a comedy routine with these characters! The expressions carry as much, and possibly more, weight as the dialogue.

Does it even matter if she looses her job the world is supposed to end anyways.

Silver is asking the real questions in this tale of intrigue.

The mechanics have been improved, but there are still issues with the grammar and spelling that have proven distracting. There is still that perspective-switching between third person and first person, which does little to help the already erratic flow of the story. Baltimare proved to be a rather uninteresting setting, and it seemed that there were no more unique description like the one for Crescent's house. The bland narration meant that the dialogue and character expressions really had to be stellar to keep the chapter interesting.

Fortunately, the two main characters have a great dynamic. They're a couple of screwball improv artists who never quite grew up, yet gained wisdom on the fly. They share together some genuinely funny dialogue and some great characterization through their actions. Pinkie Pie, for the fleeting moment she was involved, was also quite a memorable character, yet the rest of the cast were quite forgettable. The story really only kept me intrigued when Silver and Crescent were up to their usual antics, which is disappointing, since the plot driving the story has a lot of potential.