Page generated in 0.023 seconds
Total duration
944 users online
95,954 hits today, 2,314,256 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Classic justification for murder from the classic Jackboot. The whole scene is reminiscent of his relative walk in the park in the first chapter's conflict.
This is quite a difficult scene to read through, so it is only right to say that you wrote the dark stuff well. Given a full chapter of the fresh start Jackboot before, the moment is not as repugnant as it could have been. Still a shock, but considering that he was threatening Foxglove much the same way, right down to the "Never my fault" game seen in this quotation, the impact is not as strong. At least for me.
Now that was a good epiphany. Maybe a little expositional in the whole paragraph, because readers should be able to derive the meaning pretty quickly.
The back-and-forth internal argument felt rather bipolar up to this line. Jackboot just sort of jumps to the decision about two lines after he said it was pointless. In a decisive manner. Really, there was no gradual push toward making the trip to the hospital; he kept reasoning not to go, then this line comes along and sets him going, in spite of the previous paragraphs. The decision making here got rushed, I feel.
Clever use of the audio tape to introduce the monster.
That one is just too obvious not to laugh at. Goodness, Jackboot, it's only the first thing you learn in survival 101. Even with that adrenaline rush and tension in the scene, you should be aware of that fact.
That one-liner... meh. That is all I can say about it. Sort of corny without all that satisfying a payoff.
The chapter had a strong beginning half with an effective shocker and a well-delivered turnaround for Jackboot. The second half, which consists of the entire foray into the hospital, was quite average as far as action scenes have gone in this story. The timberwolves were definitely a cool inclusion to have in the story, and the justification for their being in the hospital is at least reasonable; however, they were used like any other unrelenting predator in this story: hellhounds, ghouls, etc. They were merely unstoppable monsters that the protagonist had to outrun until a weakness is discovered. Such odd creatures could definitely have a more interesting dynamic in the claustrophobic hospital setting.
It may just be me, but this chapter also seemed rather heavy on its use of exposition for Jackboot's thoughts, which makes a lot more sense in the narrative than having imaginary personas battle in his head. Still, the great reliance on explaining feelings and thoughts makes reading those sections slightly dull. While there are some qualms I have about the action and narration, I do want to address the fact that the chapter had some really great ideas that expressed tension and epiphany in creative ways. Those are listed above. More moments of unordinary storytelling would greatly enhance the reading experience.