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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Just decided to check out this story, I'm liking the intro, it's not overly slow and boring, but it's not so fast paced that you hardly know what's going on. Night also seems pretty cool, I'm liking him so far.
Wow! What an awesome Prologue, Gamma Deekay!
It has done a great job of setting the stage for the rest of the story. At first, I thought that Night Flight was going to be a depressed rebellious mommy's boy (even considering the fact that she's dead/KIA) who meets a guy and then runs off with him to go Dashite together, but then the reactor unexpectedly goes critical on the damaged ship and wipes the town off the face of the map. On the bright side, his crush is still alive for now. Actually, this kinda reminds me of a heartwrenching scene from the Gundam universe. I'll have to find a link to it for you sometime.
I totally empathize with Night Flight in being mistaken for a girl in a way. There was a funny time when I was tying something down in the back of my truck bed with my butt up in the air and pointing towards the sidewalk, when out of nowhere, a stranger walks by and cat calls, "Hey gir- *I turn around and face him* -uh man?" It also doesn't help that my face is more towards the androgynous side when I'm clean shaven...lol
P.S. I remember what I said about not reading unfinished stories the last time we chatted, but I was dying to read this, especially after watching your regular updates and progress on it. So, I guess you could say that I'm in it for the long haul.
I was recommended this story by a friend, and so far I'm glad they brought my attention to it. I'm very interested in seeing where it goes.
Reviews... Reviews never changes... Although they have changed a little bit since I always started them with "REVIEW TIME!" in the olden days... Welp guess that I still said it, so it still counts!
So lets get this ride on the road with a prologue happening in... A wasteland school without any propaganda? Honestly, if I hadn't read the title and seen the megaspells and enclave could this have been any other pony story really, and even when we get a snippet of enclave dictatorship thrown our way by the teacher could it just as well have been a comment about how school reforms work in our world today.
This was a shorter chapter, and I know that it is a bit harsh perhaps, but for a first chapter which is meant to grab the reader by the balls and make us want to turn the next page to figure out what there happens next are there lacking a lot of meat on these bones. Beside knowing that our main character have a dead mother, are rather feminine and like stallions more than mares do we not know anything about the character, we do not know how he look in details, which is really odd with the strong focus on his feminine form, neither do we get any details about how the scene it happens in looks like. The later part can be explained by it exploding like it does, but with us not really knowing the characters in the scene does it not really have that much of an effect. I do not feel a loss over most of these ponies dying as the quick picture we get painted of them is of some rather unlikable folks, not even the father figure makes a good impression with how distracted he seems. Again, I know that this sounds a bit harsh, but it is not meant in any aggressive manner, its just my very very honest opinion.
For me did this feel more like the later half of a prologue, it guides us into the plot, but it does not guide us into the characters or the setting, so if you are ever going to re-do this would I recommend doubling the length before the bomb so we slowly can sink into the situation, let us get comfortable before you pull the rug from out under our feet.
" She’d get what was coming to her one day, and when she cried about it, they would be real tears of regret." Damn bro... I know that it is the wasteland and all... but damn!
Nitpicks:
This is where my pre-reader site takes over, and I comment on all of the small stuff that I found in the story that (properly) could be improved on
"Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse." You have a bit of spacing in your ellipses here. Now it looks fancy, but it is technically a boo boo.
"peering out the window that the large black cloudship that sat in the maintenance dock at the other edge of the settlement." I think that you could change the "that" out with an "at" here
"but really why did it matter to anypony else if I like how I look?" Maybe is it just me, but in my ears does this sound a bit clunky. "how I like to look" would properly work better.
"A groan emit from every other student in the room." There are something with the tense here, can't put my Danish finger on it, but it seems wrong
"I wanted to make this quick, but I knew I probably should have been paying more attention in class. “I’ll pay more attention tomorrow, I promise.”" Repeating "pay more attention" so close to each other ruins the flow a little bit
" Another thing that I’d been repeatedly told throughout my life." and we the reader have been told multiple times in a very short time, while his feminine looks are important to the character is showing better than telling.
" still hated that I inherited her looks in the first place, even if I’d grown to like them" Wait... do you hate or do you like them?
" The warm sunlight that beamed down felt fantastic on my skin" So far I know is skin mostly used on things with fleshy parts showing, like humans, for a pony would I guess it would be hide, or just body.
" Our home was much bigger than the apartment we’d used to own in the city, but it felt so empty with just Dad and I here." Dad is not really a name, but a "nickname" so no need for the capital D here
" I trotted into the other room and set my bags down on the couch." should be past tense, "sat"
" not taking his eyes off the picture the three of us took last year" I am pretty sure it should have been "had taken", but could just be me
" I don’t know what I’d do to make it up to him." tense shift, unless you litterary mean that he don't know what he could do to make up for it as he tell us the story.
" I was like a hot knife cutting through ever cooling butter," Never heard someone commenting on the temperature of the butter when they cut through it
"and a few quilts were hung around the walls like the tapestries that used to hang in Canterlot before the war" For a dude that slack on his history classes, and lives under a dictator that likes to erase all parts of the world down under the clouds is it amazing that he know such a thing.
"The blast wave slammed into the mountain hard enough that it threw me off of it." Sounds a bit clunky for me
"With the main effect of the blast gone," Effect makes it sound as if it is some kind of special attack in an RPG that just happened, not a whole town being destroyed.
"The truth was that Dad, Mrs. Chalk. Everypony was fucking dead!" Since there are no "and" am I pretty sure that you wanted to make a list here, so an ellipse showing the fact slowly seeping in would properly be better here.
". I simply lay on the rocks, and stare out into the void under the clouds." This is in present tense, not past.
Ohh and PS: the coding in the description is not working as intended, which is sad since it is an interresting pic
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Howdy there, and thanks for giving the prologue a shot! I know it's constructed a bit oddly, and that it's far from well formatted, but I did at least have some reasoning behind a couple of the issue's you've found!
I know it's not excactly good form to throw a reader in the deep end without lots of setup, but I'd planned for it to end up like this. When we're introduced to Night, he is disconnected from everything, and sort of lost in the world around him. Everything's out of focus and semi-unimportant to him with the exception of certain things that don't ever change, like the idea of being bullied because of his looks, and the fact that he's wrestling with his own want to form a relationship with somepony. Speaking of, his dad being just a quick thing is supposed to imply that while he's still in Night's life, it's only just barely now. The point was to build seperation from the Enclave and his old life in preperation for going to the wasteland while still giving the reader the barest idea of what life up in the clouds was like.
This is why when the town is destroyed, it doesn't REALLY mean much to him outside of the fact that his dad is dead now as well. And so when he breaks down, it's not because everyone's dead, it's because again everything he knew is truely gone. The town was just a backdrop to Night, unimportant filler in the gap that his mother left, and when it explodes, he's left with that gap again.
Again, thank you for even taking a look at it, and I hope what I was trying to go for makes a bit more sense now. I understand that this is not generally a 'good' way to set up a story, and you're totally right. But with every story I've written, I've experimented with it in one way or another, and Long Haul is no different. I've been trying to get a bit more in depth thoughts out behind overall scenes, and it's been pretty much hit or miss this whole time. The editing and grammar of it I can't really excuse other than the fact that I've always had one pre-reader, and I'll be fixing the things you pointed out as best I can here in a minute or so. (With the exception of the image on the title page. I know it's been busted for some time now, but it seems that the [img] tags are a bit broken, as I've tried (obviously unsuccessfully) to make it work several times.)
How come every main character in FoE stories is a raging homosexual?
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Blackjack is bisexual so I don't think that counts, puppy smiles is a little kid so nothing of that sort happens to her. Your have to list off any other Fo:E stories before I go on otherwise you'd get confused.
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I'm pretty sure murky number seven was straight
Good story, can't wait to see how your version of the frozen north pans out.