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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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A very minor suggestion, but might you switch those two sentences? I feel that the order reversed flows more smoothly.
That is just cruel to think, Firefly. If you keep making sociopathic remarks like that, the reader might think you are a robot.
I would cut this line out, because the paragraph it's part of is an introduction for many other named characters, who you want the reader to be aware of. If Firefly said it was a boring scene, then the reader might just agree and skim the passage. Not an ideal reader reaction.
Not to mention, it contradicts the final sentence as far as the whole paragraph is concerned: "Interesting." I know that was a comment referring to the judge, but still...
Lovely line there. It solidifies exactly what the antagonist is: the wasteland itself.
Whoa, whoa. You mean the previous head of security never even noticed that two officers were pregnant as they went on a wasteland expedition? That is insane! How bad was the management during that time that they failed this spot check?
I was relieved to see this bit of conversation, though it was definitely a tad too short for impact. It was a long overdue moment for Dashie to actually express his opinion and show characteristics other than lust and obedience. I would definitely like to see more out of Dashie as a character, rather than as a mere companion. Let his personality shine through; have him lend a contrasting perspective to Firefly's; give him space and words to grow.
You have just stepped on an explosive strong enough to launch you backwards. Most certainly your condition is critical. With all due respect, ma'am, you should probably be reacting a little more and expressing more pain and shock.
I am really taking an interest in this sense of separation in the stable. Security and the other managers of the stable definitely appear at odds, which could make for some lovely conflict of ideals!
Maybe it is the character who says these lines or the terse delivery, but I definitely felt sympathy for these two characters, Hot Range and Firefly's mother, by the end of the paragraph. That would be a sign in my mind of a well-executed reveal.
I love alliteration.
Perhaps you can use something other than "thick" as an adjective for his sarcasm. Maybe a substitute that emanates or is blatantly noticeable. That way, it would fit perfectly with the metaphor.
The change in perspective this time around definitely lent a lot more to the narrative than the one last chapter to Dashie's perspective. Pumpkin may not have much to distinguish her as a character, but the separation from Firefly's viewpoint allowed the reader to learn of valuable backstory and view the security team of Stable 30 in a different light. Mend the doctor was definitely a welcome addition as well to the narrative. He is someone who is willing to criticize Firefly and show that there are cracks in the situation she often sees as 'status quo.'
Unfortunately, for all the great new developments in the story, there is a sizable number of scenes that feel too brief. The shower scene for Firefly; the reveal of Frosty's mother and the offers from Stable 30; Dashie's first breakout character moment. They all explore very interesting ideas from sexual frustration to personal relationships versus duty, yet the narrative only affords these scenes as many words as are necessary to advance to the next scene. Those ideas only get hinted at or quickly explained before the plot is moving along again.
This story is remarkable for how many dynamics and conflicts are at play: Stable 30's sense of division, order versus chaos, desire versus duty, and so on. It only grows grander in scale and puts more and more at stake for the characters. I enjoy the direction you are taking this story, and I will be looking forward to the next chapter.
"Are you sure you're not simply looking for somewhere else so you can take the Stable's defenses and abandon us?"
Wow, rude. Four ponies leaving is hardly a sizable chunk of stable security, even with the obviously touchy topic of the last excursion before Firefly's. So this guy is either an asshole, or maybe there's something too that. I might just be thinking a bit too far into it, but it's still something to consider!
Also, rude doctors are the best doctors. They get shit done, and are quick to remind you that should you fuck up like that again, guess who isn't going to give you treatment? That's the best incentive not to get hurt, really.
'who was covered in a sort of armored barding made of clipboards.'
Ah yes, the impenetrable clipboards. Unfortunately, while they may deflect bullets, they don't really work against landmines...
'A coffee mug had had the bottom bored out and used as an improvised horn guard'
That however, I wouldn't have thought about. They are pretty unbreakable in the games as well I guess! Gotta hand it to you, that's pretty neat!
And of course, Bang! Woosh! Cliffhanger!
Interesting chapter overall really! Felt a lot shorter than it's word count would lead you to believe! I'm looking forward to the next one.