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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Me like :D
Well, this story came recommended on the Fo:E subreddit and I can see why so far, but ah, I do have two bits of criticism for this chapter. I've only done a quick glance at the second one, so feel free to take my words with a grain of salt.
Anyway, the first one is that...well, you've given me names of the characters, but you haven't given me what they look like. For instance, Rapid Dash: from the name, I can gather that he's a Pegasus, but I'm not sure on that since, like before, I don't know what he looks like. What's his mane color? What's his Cutie Mark? His build? I don't know about any of these, and the same goes for Firefly. At first I assumed she too was a Pegasus due to her name, but rereading the opening bit made me realize that she was a unicorn, but other then that...Yeah, I have no idea what she looks like. That goes for locations as well, I don't know how rooms are structured or how they feel, the sparring arena, for instance. I get that it's dark, but how is it dark? Are there floodlights? Is there a generator humming nearby? Is the arena like a maze? What about the air? Does Firefly's armor cause her to feel hot and sticky because of the heat? Or is it pleasantly cool?
To sum up, descriptions are a writers best friend. You've probably improved in later chapters as your skill increases, but the first chapter is often the most important for anyone looking for a good read. You've got to have good bait for reads after all.
The second one is more of a grammar issue and also kinda a pet peeve of mine. See, when you have a sentence like this:
You can write it as this:
See the comma? It makes the sentence flow easier, gives the impression that the sentence didn't end the same way a period does.
Anyway, that's my literal two cents. I'm going to keep reading to see where the story goes. Also, don't be afraid to edit things in old chapters you think don't stack up to your current ones, there's nothing wrong with redoing things here and there.
A rather enjoyable (and meaty) introduction into the story! Firefly and Dashie seem like they’ll be a fun duo and I hope to learn more about the rest of the team as they head out into Baltimare! It’s very interesting seeing a Stable such as this, and while I realize they probably won’t be back for a while I do hope there’s more of this unique place up ahead! While lighter on description the dialogue showed a lot of personality for the characters. If this was you two years ago, I can’t wait to see what you’re like now!