You spelled Equestria wrong. It'd be best to fix that because having the title misspelled is incredibly off putting.

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this sucked

Let's get this out of the way right now, rather than later:

Fallout Equistria: Red, Blue, and White

Right from the get-go, you've misspelled Equestria. You might not think this is a big deal, given that 'Equestria' is not a real word, but the name is derived from the adjective Equestrian—of or relating to horses and riding—and as such is the canonically accepted spelling. Just look at all the 'Fallout Equestria' stories in the list of similar fics on the right-hand side of the page. There's certainly a common theme beyond the subject matter.

With that out of the way, I'd like to move on to the 'Prologue'. For such a small chapter, there is a very big issue right off the bat. What might that issue be? Content: there is very little of it.

What I mean by it is that there is very little happening. Beyond the characters speaking in every paragraph but the first, very little occurs or is at all described. You 'tell' the reader little, and show them even less. For reference's sake, the most 'descriptive' part is the first paragraph. I use descriptive in the loosest sense in that the paragraph consists of a number of vaguely related things—ones better served expanded upon in their own paragraphs each—that are strung together in such a way that just barely paints an image for the reader.

Imagination can only go so far when there is very little of which to base mental imagery. Who are these characters? What do they look like? It's not enough to just place a number of characters in a situation with little context and then make them have sex. Does Sacred Song know the stallions Red and Blue beforehand? Or did they just happen to stumble upon her and save her life? Without such context, it comes off as two strangers saving a 'helpless' mare, which just makes what's to follow harder to swallow. That turns into an image of a mare so thankful to have been saved by 'superior' stallions that she simply must have their babies. It's one thing to write a one-off story with sex for the sake of sex, but at least pretend it isn't.

The next issue I need to point out in this chapter fragment is this:

“Excuse me, who are you three?” The pony behind the bar said. She took off her hat and placed it on the counter. I stood up with a grunt.

The problem here is that you are treating 'The pony behind the bar said,' as a complete sentence, when it is only one half of the equation. What did the pony say? What is being said is the subject of the sentence. By capitalizing 'the' in 'The pony behind the bar...' you are marking it as its own sentence rather than the dependent clause. The final punctuation mark inside dialogue is always treated like a comma when the dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag. For more information on this, please refer to the wonderful Writing Guide penned by fimfiction's very own Ezn.

After that, comes perspective. The change in perspective between the prologue/epilogue portions of the story and the two 'primary chapters' is entirely unnecessary. Oh I understand why it might have been done that way, what with you being male and having no personal experience in sex from the female point of view. The change is nonetheless jarring, and were I not a better man, I might even state to be quite 'telling'. There are a few situations where changing perspective from first person to third is appropriate for narrative, but it is not appropriate when there is very little to work with from the start. Pick one and stick with it.

There's not really much to say about the sex that hasn't already been said about the story by this point in my critique. In lacking detail, the story lacks emotion and soul. It ends up boiling down into the skeleton of a stereotypical porn.

"I am female and you have saved my life."
"We are males."
"Let's have sex."
"Yes, let's."
"I am having your babies now."

Like I stated before, it's quite blatantly sex for the sake of sex without any of the qualities that would make this point otherwise redeemable. It's all quite stilted, robotic even, and reminds me of the things I've observed to have been written the preteens who pop up on deviantART from time to time using a fake date of birth. That stuff, I generally refer to as suffering from 'Talking Head Syndrome', though I suppose a puppet show might also be an apt descriptor. I suppose in terms of quality, that makes this puppet pornography.

Beyond what little tell there was in the prologue, there is very little to even tie this to the FoE universe. One could even argue that the Fallout Equestria title was slapped on as an afterthought in order to garner more attention than this might otherwise receive. Unfortunately, in a community that is inundated with stories penned by many Kkat or Somber wannabes, it only makes it much easier for those who are critical of such stories to find and dismantle.

I hope you can take what I have stated regarding this story with some grace, and learn from it so that in the future, you might improve.

5715103 Just wanna start off by saying thank you for taking your time to post an in depth review. Also, thank you for pointing out my misspelling in the title, I thought I had fixed that but I suppose not.
Now, I'd like to point out that this was a story that was requested of me to do. He wanted a short sex story with his OC's. He also wanted the perspective to change from first person to third person and for it to be set in the Fallout Equestria universe. He enjoyed what I put out, so I think I have achieved my goal in what I set out to do for this story.
I do agree with just about the rest of what you said. These were some things that I did not take into account and I thank you for pointing them out to me.

5740140 Thanks c:

Not bad for a short clopfic. I enjoyed it!