First off the bat, the recollection of Sandy's time at the facility in the beginning was great. The characters and their interactions are so easy to visualize. We're starting to connect with Sandy and get a feel for what sort of life he's had.
the most miraculous site she'd
"Site" here should be "sight."
Again, character interactions are really what shines here. Seeing the others apologize to Sugar, and getting to see that deep down she really is still a kid, is an example of what makes this story stick out in a good way.
The question festered in her mind. Harassed her every thought. She tried to remember them...but no matter how hard she tried she simply couldn't. This was a new kind of torture entirely. She could never fall asleep like this. Her brain wouldn't let her escape . So she laid on the couch and watched the lamp. Watched the green droplets of fluid slowly float up to the surface and disappear. Just like her memories… Where did they go? For what felt like an eternity she watched the lamp, praying it would somehow magically answer her question and put her mind at ease. But it never did
I loved this passage. Your ability to make the audience feel like they're in a character's head has shot up dramatically.
"No I call her Rock because
Missing a comma in here.
Okay, Skitz really freaked me out there.
The fight scene was nicely done. Kept a good brisk pace. Easy to visualize.
Oddie brothers head
Missing an apostrophe.
She asked in an absolutely bone chilling manner.
"Absolutely" doesn't have much of a place in descriptions, in my opinion at least. Kinda sounds like someone trying really hard to make something sound badass. Which it is, but still.
the filly gazed in her jaw dropped. Sugar sat down hard, then without changing her awestruck expression, shifted her focus to Grass.
Think you jumbled some words in that first sentence fragment I quoted. But FUCK YES I WANNA SEE SUGAR ATOMIZE SOME BOUNTY HUNTERS! :D
Sugars cry echoed into the night.
Missing another apostrophe.
Poor Smokey. RIP in piece.
Man, poor Sunshine. Somehow, a young child seeing a person she idolizes attack her own mother is more heartbreaking than any number of random gory deaths.
Okay, so this chapter was a long one. But a good one. I hate to sound like an English teacher, but seriously, the quality of the writing is improving noticeably. The instances of "telling" rather than "showing" have gone down a lot, though they're still there sometimes. The reader can really tell that you like to get inside your characters' heads. They're realistic (relatively, heh) and interesting. And the scenarios and interactions they experience are that much stronger for it. Looking forward to chapter seven!
5651429 So I've gone back and touched up on those little grammatical errors. They're hard to catch! I've got two editors and a couple of pre-readers and those little things still slip by! Hell I'm sure there are even a couple in there that we all still missed. That's why people hire professional editors haha. Also I changed "absolutely" to "the most" I think that sounds a little better.
Glad you're still liking the story! I've tried really hard to work on the things you've pointed out previously, especially show vs tell, which I probably consider my biggest weakness. It's really reassuring to hear you say I'm improving :)
And you're right. I LOVE getting in my characters heads! Good characters make a story. I've done everything I could to make my girls as entertaining and engaging as possible. Glad to see hear you say it shows :)
Chapter 7 is coming along pretty slow but I'm gonna try and get it out as soon as I can. These little chapter reviews you leave really help. They sorta light a fire under my ass and make me want to work to make the next chapter even better.
Thanks for your input again man. Really appreciate it :)
(Sorta surprised you didn't comment on the very last line of the chapter. My pre-readers and editors wigged out about that haha)
5960380 Not only is the new chapter coming soon but I also have a new FoE story underway that will be here in a few months. So just be a little more patient and expect a new chapter sometime this month :)
a thought just crossed my mind... Your Scar is exactly like my Psych... In way to many ways... Only things different are species and coat color.... Just... Da hell?
6057269 psych is on paper one time, i think mine is less cimplex by that logic. Then again, psych is a stone throw away from being a raider, only thing stopping her is that she hates them with a bloody fucking passion.
6109915 Well glad ya like it haha. I'm still working on the next chapter. Real life has been getting in the way a lot but it is on its way. Chapters might take a little time in between but I have no intention of ever giving up on this story
I'm making this comment because I want there to be 40 comments.
loving the story nice work. definitely better than mine, keep up the good work
P.S: love the dark comedy, and comedy.
5608666 Thank you for your kind words and I'll be sure to keep the story rollin'
First off the bat, the recollection of Sandy's time at the facility in the beginning was great. The characters and their interactions are so easy to visualize. We're starting to connect with Sandy and get a feel for what sort of life he's had.
"Site" here should be "sight."
Again, character interactions are really what shines here. Seeing the others apologize to Sugar, and getting to see that deep down she really is still a kid, is an example of what makes this story stick out in a good way.
I loved this passage. Your ability to make the audience feel like they're in a character's head has shot up dramatically.
Missing a comma in here.
Okay, Skitz really freaked me out there.
The fight scene was nicely done. Kept a good brisk pace. Easy to visualize.
Missing an apostrophe.
"Absolutely" doesn't have much of a place in descriptions, in my opinion at least. Kinda sounds like someone trying really hard to make something sound badass. Which it is, but still.
Think you jumbled some words in that first sentence fragment I quoted. But FUCK YES I WANNA SEE SUGAR ATOMIZE SOME BOUNTY HUNTERS! :D
Missing another apostrophe.
Poor Smokey. RIP in piece.
Man, poor Sunshine. Somehow, a young child seeing a person she idolizes attack her own mother is more heartbreaking than any number of random gory deaths.
Okay, so this chapter was a long one. But a good one. I hate to sound like an English teacher, but seriously, the quality of the writing is improving noticeably. The instances of "telling" rather than "showing" have gone down a lot, though they're still there sometimes. The reader can really tell that you like to get inside your characters' heads. They're realistic (relatively, heh) and interesting. And the scenarios and interactions they experience are that much stronger for it. Looking forward to chapter seven!
5651429 So I've gone back and touched up on those little grammatical errors. They're hard to catch! I've got two editors and a couple of pre-readers and those little things still slip by! Hell I'm sure there are even a couple in there that we all still missed. That's why people hire professional editors haha. Also I changed "absolutely" to "the most" I think that sounds a little better.
Glad you're still liking the story! I've tried really hard to work on the things you've pointed out previously, especially show vs tell, which I probably consider my biggest weakness. It's really reassuring to hear you say I'm improving :)
And you're right. I LOVE getting in my characters heads! Good characters make a story. I've done everything I could to make my girls as entertaining and engaging as possible. Glad to see hear you say it shows :)
Chapter 7 is coming along pretty slow but I'm gonna try and get it out as soon as I can. These little chapter reviews you leave really help. They sorta light a fire under my ass and make me want to work to make the next chapter even better.
Thanks for your input again man. Really appreciate it :)
(Sorta surprised you didn't comment on the very last line of the chapter. My pre-readers and editors wigged out about that haha)
I want more FoE:DD :( :( :(
5960380 Not only is the new chapter coming soon but I also have a new FoE story underway that will be here in a few months. So just be a little more patient and expect a new chapter sometime this month :)
Oookay, this is pretty good. This is *very* good. Occasional grammar issues, but this is... something new.
6014021 I try to go back and fix the grammar issues as often as I can and there's a lot less as the story goes on
6014021 and that's what I was going for! Haha. A fun story that hasn't been seen before
a thought just crossed my mind... Your Scar is exactly like my Psych... In way to many ways... Only things different are species and coat color.... Just... Da hell?
6057128 Coincidence. Scar is not a terribly complex character yet.
6057269 psych is on paper one time, i think mine is less cimplex by that logic. Then again, psych is a stone throw away from being a raider, only thing stopping her is that she hates them with a bloody fucking passion.
6109915 Well glad ya like it haha. I'm still working on the next chapter. Real life has been getting in the way a lot but it is on its way. Chapters might take a little time in between but I have no intention of ever giving up on this story