chapter 2
Skyfire sat 3 meters away from the vault door controls, staring dumbly as though it were some technology he had never seen before, expecting something or some pony to jump out and show this as an illusion. As much as he wanted this to happen, it never did, he just couldn't believe that he accidentally found vault 15, one of the unknown number of bunkers unaffected by the war.
After what could have been anywhere from 10 seconds to 3 hours, Skyfire broke out of his stupor with a shake of his head. Having had enough of just staring at the control panel, Skyfire trots up to it and pushes a lever on top of it with his right, hell fire Armour clad, hoof. His action finishes with a beep followed by a red light turning green on the console, starting the opening mechanisms for the giant gear shaped vault door. With a "Thunk" and a "Clunk" sound, shortly followed by the ear piercing scream of metal grinding against metal, the vaults sealed door is pulled backwards and rolls sideways.
Bright light spills into the once dark, damp cave, almost blinding Skyfire with the rapid change. As the light fades to a bearable level, 3 armored ponies come into view, all 3 are earth ponies in combat Armour, armed with varmint rifles at their sides. They trot towards Skyfire, who is now drawing his customized Gauss rifle.
"who are you? from where do you hail? state rank and faction. refusal to comply will end in immediate execution." one on the ponies ask, unable to see their appearance through their armor.
"Gentlemen. I am Captain Skyfire, of the Pegasus enclave. Well, i used to be. Before i was sentenced to death for refusing to kill harmless foals. But, how did you know i am a soldier, without leaving the vault before?" Skyfire asked through the hell fire armors helmet.
"We have hacked into..." the guard that was speaking is quickly silenced when they are knocked to the ground by the guard next to them.
"We are sorry but that info is classified." The other 2 guards say at the same time, clearly scowling at the now injured guard.
"I wish to meet with your overseer. Or at least talk to them through radio." Skyfire declares, receiving nervous glances from the guards.
Nodding, the guards lead Skyfire over to a intercom on the wall and press a small button on the speakers frame with their muzzle. "Overseer, sir. An Enclave exile is here, he wishes to speak with you." the guard whispers, voice only now losing its conviction and revealing that this guard is a young mare, probably not been a guard for long.
"Ma`am, how long have you been in your vaults guard unit? You seem rather effective at disguising your voice. So, would you kindly take me to see your overseer?" Skyfire asks, placing great emphasis on the words "would you kindly".
"Y, yes. Right away sir!" she replies and hurriedly brings Skyfire to the overseers office via the maintenance tunnels that run through the bottom of this vault.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Flammenwerfer · 269k words · 1,603 57 · 30k views
- Dalek IX · 27k words · 283 5 · 8.9k views
- Princess OtakuGeek · 20k words · 511 19 · 11k views
- spy11887 · 3.4k words · 533 24 · 9k views
- SilverShield · 17k words · 125 2 · 5k views
- Onomonopia · 95k words · 1,105 71 · 16k views
- J-90 · 74k words · 784 47 · 12k views
- Jashin · 28k words · 175 6 · 5.1k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.077 seconds
Total duration
1,040 users online
1,922,055 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I'm going to just correct the description, title, chapter names, and the picture.
The picture is of Pride, one of Calamity's older brothers. Might try finding a better generic Enclave soldier.
Title should be capitalized and probably be formatted better:
Should also be noted that that title is a bit unwieldy, but that's minor.
The title of Chapter 2 should be capitalized.
Declaired: Spelled wrong, I suspect you meant Declared
Triator: Spelled wrong, probably meant Traitor
By: Should probably be Of
Enclave: Proper noun, needs to be Enclave
Hidding: Not a word, probably meant Hiding or Hidden, depending on the tense
Which: Sounds better if it doesn't exist.
Only he had returned and thus lead to him being classed as a traitor: this entire sentence is clumsy. I'd write it like this, Only he (had) returned from the mission, thus leading him to be classified as a traitor.
He hides: Should be Hid or Hiding. Also needs a comma before He.
Hellfire Armour: Hellfire armor didn't really exist within the original. Maybe the Wonderbolt's armor, but keep that in mind.
Stays: Should be stayed if it's in past tense.
Caves: The cave is possessing secrets, and thus this should be Cave's.
Shall: Should Will if it's in past tense.
But: But should be capitalized.
5298016 thank you for showing me these errors. I will fix them as soon as I can
5298125 No problemo.
I like it, but why so short??? Your driving me crazy! On a side note I am loving the amount of detail
5372666 sorry about the length, however, I hope to bring out a new chapter soon.
Its great to know that you like the detail part, but I dont think it is as detailed as I would like, so maybe I can improve that in the next chapter.
anything special you want to happen in the next chapter, or future chapters?
5374733 To be honest I was looking for a fic to read and the name Skyfire popped out to me, he is my favorite Transformer, so I started reading it. Ideas, I'm all out, I too am working on a FoE fic that failed originally rather badly so I find myself rewriting it and hopefully adding more to it. Detail is always a hard thing to get into because you don't want to drown the reader in specifics, you could go into it a bit more, like his surroundings, and what he walks over or around when he is being escorted and such. I'd like to see where you are going with this one in particular!!! Keep up the splendid work
5380159
Good luck with your foe fic!
5381241 Thanks, I'm going to need it, lol. Just keep up what you are doing and yours will be magnificent!
The story's likely dead seeing as how the last update was a year and a half ago, but I'll leave my thoughts anyway:
It's pretty decent, got a good story arc and motives, although the pace for the story was a bit too fast and their could be better grammar/spelling correction. Also it seemed like there's a few holes in the story itself so far. All in all, it could be better, but I've definetly seen worse. This does have quite a bit of potential
7355475 writers block is annoying. i'll write a new chapter when i get my imagination back
7356331 Can't wait :)
7356362 thanks for being patient