4943132 And you sir, are quickly becoming one of my favorite readers! I can't seem to get anyone else (new or re-reading) to let me know what they think of the revised story. You stay classy, internet guy!
4964772 Aw, it's all right. You found your way back, and that's all that matters!
Since you came in on the rewrite, you're completely in the dark as far as future events go. Solara... you'll just have to wait and see for her. Also, don't be surprised if you see that your prediction about Doc's gadgets comes true in the future. ;D
That Bobulator's a swell guy, I tell ya.
4965081 Nope, she was conscious and listening the whole time. Just gagged. Mach's not related to RD though, I'll say that much. What his father deleted will be made clear in time.
The alignment issue's not much of a problem. Everything starts off parallel to Littlepip's adventure, but Mach breaks away and starts his own quest early on. He'll only be getting snippets of what's going on in LP's quest as the story progresses, which serve as an indicator of how much time has passed in both stories.
He'll be learning a pretty brutal lesson about the wasteland very early on, as you'll be seeing soon. He's got the heart and the military training, but does he have the right experience to deal with everything the wasteland can throw at him? We'll see!
I'm glad you're enjoying the story so much thus far! If you do decide to write something, I'll be sure to take a peek at it!
Hahaha! Woo, I finished this nice and done. Woot! But, now I wanna read more... Must... Not... Look... at... Google Docs. >.>
In this 'finale' installment he's enslaved some kids and it seems is getting into the wrong side of things. Goodness, I can see you're trying for the grey character. The guy who wants to do good, but because he's ignorantly stupid about shit and apparently racist as well, he's not having a good time of it so far. Griffons are wonderful little creatures in the mlp universe. They're so pretty, I love that they're so abundant in the Fallout Equestria universe! It was real fun followiing him as he took on his first mission of the wasteland. I was laughing the whole time when he started thinking maybe they weren't raiders. No, buddy, you gone killed some good guys. (I think.) Those foals are gonna go and have a rough time of it now. Sad sad sad.
Honestly I don't have much to say in this chapter. But what I've read so far has been amazing and I've very much enjoyed it. It's hard to do first person and ya doing first person here. So great job buddy. I'd like to see more now, but at the same time I'mma hold myself back so I can get the better quality on top of that first time read feeling. From here on I don't know what'll be next. Where the tale will take him. But you've finished the book, you know, you just gotta polish it and send it out again. And then, I get to read and know! Yup! *Drinks monster* Gosh I'm a little hyper and babbling now...
What I can say is you've got my imagination a stirring for writing my own fallout Equestria story. I love that you're intermixing Mach into the actual tale and every reference and little scene that mixes him up with Katt's characters just puts a big smile on my face. But now I'll have the issue of forgetting who's who, and if it'll be your OC or Katt's. XD
Wonderful story here yet again. Good luck with the writing and editing and I hope to see more soon!
4968046 Sorry for taking so long to respond. I've had some real life stuff going on, and... yeah. Your comments did make me happy, though!
I wanted to remove Mach's ability to fly and still have a way of returning it to him fairly easily, and this was the best way I could see to do it. In the original draft, his wing was shot through with a magical energy weapon, and MEW damage is supposed to be permanently scarring. The introduction to the Wasteland went a lot better the second time around, I think. The first time it was just: crash land, hobble to town hall, pass out.
Food will actually be a primary plot point across the entirety of the story. Make sure you keep a close eye on Mach as the story continues to progress and see if you can notice the subtle effect eating has on the narrative. You're very right, though. Horrible things will be happening. C:
4969517 Yep, this is the only time Mach interacts with major characters from the original story. It's a polarizing issue, but the general consensus seems to be that I handled it very well, and I'm glad to hear it.
You may have noticed that Mach has an anger problem. Well... the struggle with his inner demons is going to be a recurring issue throughout the story. Will he succumb to his inner savagery, or will he beat it back and remain the steadfast hero? Only time will tell.
I will admit it was a little abrupt, but it's supposed to be remeniscent of the single wandering Enclave eyebot the Lone Wanderer runs into while passing through Springvale in Fallout 3. In the original draft, Watcher snuck up on him while he was busy trying to raid a Sparkle~Cola machine, so it's definitely much more abrupt here.
I don't really want to get into the reader issue, suffice it to say that I hear what you're saying from a lot of different people. I don't know why I don't get much traffic, but it's always been this way. I've grown used to it by now. I care less about views and more about great readers like you who take time to write a comment after reading. Hearing what people think really boosts my confidence.
4970258 Don't do it. Don't you do it! The original story's first few ten or fifteen chapters are a terribly written mess, and you'd only be doing yourself a disservice!
That's Mach all right, the blundering well-meaning hot shot. I wouldn't really paint him as grey, true grey characters are surprisingly difficult to write for. He's more... lawful stupid. It's okay though, they won't be slaves for long! Littlepip will be there to save the day eventually!
I'm delighted to hear that you're enjoying the story so far. I only hope I can continue to entertain you as I move forward.
4970309 Any reader of mine who stops to write comments like you is a pal of mine, friend!
Oh no, you taking a little while was perfectly fine. I was just a little curious is all. S'not like I just read fanfiction all the time waiting for my favorite stories to update. Nope, I totally don't have an addiction. :P
The thing about food in the wasteland is that it baffles me. The ground is too radioactive to grow vegetation, but all of the pre-war snacks and wrappers saved it from being too poisonous to eat? I swear there's gotta be at least a couple of farms still oporational. I mean, in Pink Eyes, we had at least one farm. *Can't remember if there were more.* And there are plenty of caves or tunnels that would have survived the radiation to keep furtile soil. So when people get upset about farms in Fo:E it baffles me... Anyways, still looking forward to what he eats and where that takes him from there.
You know, I used to be pretty active in the Redwall archive over at fanfiction.net and I'll tell you what. They didn't have many readers there, but we all became a little community where everyone left reviews and stuff. I mean, there were some really good stories and authors there that would help you and review your stuff for you at one point. I also got to a point of leaving +1000 word reviews. It was super fun and I learned so much from everyone there. But alas, the community slowly died with each person being overwhelmed with school/work or simply deciding they were ready for original fiction/professional writing.
Do you have a skype? PM if ya do and would like to chat. I'm looking for more brony friends that enjoy writing as much as I do. :3
4993859 Wait a little while and you'll see what I do as far as food in the wasteland. We should get there in 5-6 old chapters (which should equate to about 15-18 rewritten chapters).
I do have a Skype. My contact info is on my profile page, but I'm a little occupied tonight, so I won't really be able to chat much.
4994226 It's a vague estimate. I'm flying blind here and just using the current pattern of one old chapter=3 rewritten chapters to guess the total. It's entirely possible that with content cuts and rearrangements, it won't wind up being nearly that long a wait.
And so it begins, my favourite FoE sidefic is back. Hell yeah! Anyway, I went and set myself the challenge to rewrite the wiki articles on this properly once the story's fully updated, I mean, Brightlance has an article and Astral doesn't! I personally find the new first few chapters not just much better but also helpful since I'm planning to include the Enclave, and in particular Soarin' R&D, in a fic of my own. "Eventually," Yeah… Pip didn't quite make it in time; "you only have to kill one of them in front of the others to take the fight out of them."
4995075 Tonto was making most of the articles for Outlaw until he burned out on building up the wiki, which is why the articles of my cast are so spotty. I was going to make an article for Astral, but I didn't want to do it until I'd made a vector of her, and then I just forgot.
No, my happy feels! It's been too long since I've read FoE, I thought Pip busted into Old Appleloosa and freed all the slaves! D:
4996460 It's implied in a terminal entry that one of the foals in Old Appleoosa was killed to keep the others in line, so for Big Boom, (working title, I'll upload it when Chapter 1 is done) I made it one of the colts from the manor. I guess the filly would have sufficed to, but she's waaaaaay to important for that. Sorry about your feels man. Btw, thanks for inspiring me to write an MLP fanfic that isn't just a random daydream written down (I have like 6 on my hard drive that I'll never release.)
Does this pegasus ever not act like an asshole? Talking to his family: Being an asshole. Talking to superior officers: Being an asshole. Held at gunpoint: Being an asshole. Meeting and fucking his girl friend: Asshole who never shows any emotion other than lust and reluctance. Never even said "I love you", or "thanks for being my cumdumpster." nothing. Saving his father by taking the blame: Being an asshole. Begging for medical help, almost dead: Being an asshole. After attacking Talons unprovoked and being captured with a gun to his head: Being an asshole.
Seriously, the guy has one mode: Asshole.
Is he the villain? I mean, don't get me wrong. He has anger issues and I get that, but no one is that angry every moment of every day from the second they are awake. No one can function in society purposefully verbally attacking people all the time. Besides, he is a pegasus, he's living the upper-middle-class lifestyle of the wasteland. He was never beaten or raped as a child, or had his family burned alive or any of the common things that happen in the wasteland but the first horrible thing that happens to him he turns into a complete psychopath and rips a pony open because she made him not pretty any more... seriously, that is a really fucked up thing.
Seems to me like you’re just looking for reasons to hate the story now.
Talking to his family: Being an asshole.
Only to his father, and their relationship is complicated and hasn't yet been explored, because we're only 6 chapters into the story.
Talking to superior officers: Being an asshole.
He has issues with authority. This is intentional.
Held at gunpoint: Being an asshole.
This is explained in the story. It's a coping mechanism. People are different, and not everyone reacts to nervousness/stress the same way. Some get terrified, shiver and plead for their lives, some break down and cry, and some can't control their fast mouth. Mach is the latter.
Meeting and fucking his girl friend: Asshole who never shows any emotion other than lust and reluctance. Never even said "I love you", or "thanks for being my cumdumpster." nothing.
If you didn't notice from the bits revealed by his friend Duster, it's an abusive relationship and she uses him for sex.
Saving his father by taking the blame: Being an asshole.
Again, their relationship is strained. If you desperately sought your father's approval and sacrificed everything to gain it only to have him chastise you, can you honestly say you wouldn't be upset?
Begging for medical help, almost dead: Being an asshole.
Railright wasn't the least bit hospitable towards Mach, and it took Calamity to get him to budge. If you were bleeding out and the only person who could help you refused, would you smile and say: "Thank you anyway, sir!" ?
After attacking Talons unprovoked and being captured with a gun to his head: Being an asshole.
He's racist against griffons. This was explained. This is the one situation out of every single one of these where acting like an asshole should be expected.
His behavior is a large part of his upbringing, but the rewrites haven't progressed far enough yet for the reader to understand why. If it wasn't clear, his father was emotionally cold and incredibly strict and demanding of him since his foalhood while showering his younger sister with love and adoration. On one occasion he nearly killed Mach.
I'd say hang in there and wait, but from the feedback I've been getting from you, I really don't think it would be worth your time. You're clearly not enjoying the story one bit, so I'd suggest moving on to something else.
5080915 >>His father... If you are about to leave and never see your father again, unless you are a total and complete lunatic, you can have a human moment and say good bye.
>>Abusive relationship... If she says, "Lets go somewhere private" and you jump in a tank with her it's not abuse that's just rough sex. That's whiny, entitled, pitty me, attention whore mentality to call it abuse. He's in the military, he's already on the higher up's hit list, and he decides to jump into a tank for some rump thumping with a pushy girl. That's not abuse, that's just bad judgement.
>>He has issues with authority. You must have never been in the military or known any military families. Authority issues are very common in young people from those kind of families. All militaries have a thing to take care of that, it's called boot-camp. If he was a pegasus under my command and he spoke to me like that I would have his ass demoted and sent back to basic training with the colts. That kind of attitude does not fly in any military, ever.
Look at the Wonderbolt Training that they showed Rainbow Dash going to. You think they would have stood for him being disrespectful to his superior officers like that? He would have been out of service in a wingbeat. He would have had to be Celestia's first born to get away with that much attitude in the military. You can disagree with your C.O. all you want, but you do not do so by telling them off unless you wish to explore an exciting new career path as a cell warmer in military prison.
>>Railright wasn't the least bit hospitable towards Mach... Yes, that is true, but Mach was dying unless you are a total and complete idiot, you beg, plead and bribe for help but you don't demand it and you certainly don't give the person who can save you attitude about it unless you are a total entitled cunt which is what he comes across as. How DARE Railright take his things! Those goggles are HIS goggles! That is the reaction of a man-child or a sociopath. How about you start off the conversation by saying, "Thanks for that whole keeping me alive thing." it would have gone a long way towards making his life easier.
You say he has a problem with authority, but I haven't seen anyone yet he doesn't seem to have a problem with. He even yells at his best friend and what are his first thoughts when he has a chance to rest and recover in the wasteland? Oh, poor me! Oh, how horrible my choice turned out to be! He doesn't think about his best friend, his girl, his family, no one but himself. He has never spared anyone a single thought that wasn't motivated by self-interest. I'm telling you dude, he's the villain in his own life.
>>You're clearly not enjoying the story one bit. Actually I am, I like how you are coming at the wasteland from the perspective of an outsider not from a stable and how you are weaving the story into the folds of the main story, but on the same note: You're coming so close to greatness and falling short because your characters have no depth. If you can summon up the characters in your story with one word summaries then you need to flesh them out and your characters, almost all of them, have been that way. His sister had depth, The Doc had depth, even his mother showed a little bit of willful duplicity once his father had left the room but Mach is Angry. Railright is angry. Calamity is oddly uninterested in the first pegasus he's most likely seen in 10 years. The doctor who fixes him up is never even seen and that doctor, would have been a great opportunity to have a character who could give him words of wisdom like, "In the wasteland, you need friends." but you just skipped over the one pony on the ground who is actually motivated to care about him at all, completely, so you could send him off to shoot things.
You are writing the story like a videogame and not like a story about a pegasus. It's good, as it is, but it could be amazing. Slow down, take your time, plan out what you need to accomplish. You should have a set of lists for every chapter. Character Arc progression on one list showing which characters you want to expose/grow/devolve emotionally and an action/event list of things you want to happen. You are doing good with the former list, you are moving the story along well and the pacing is going well, but try putting more thought into what you want to develop for the characters personalities and how you can accomplish those goals. To paraphrase Oprah. "You get a character arc! You get a character arc! Everyone gets a character arc!"
Start planning out the development of the characters ahead of time and your story will go from good to awesome.
If she says, "Lets go somewhere private" and you jump in a tank with her it's not abuse that's just rough sex. That's whiny, entitled, pitty me, attention whore mentality to call it abuse.
Wasn't talking about that. I was talking about:
“Hey. Hey, ‘member that time y’ pissed her off, an’ she beaned y’ with that hailstone the size o’ a melon?”
and
“Or how ‘bout the last time, when she took a leaf out o’ yer own book, stole a thundercloud from the armory an’ used it t’ hit y’ with a bolt o’ lightnin’?”
Physically abusive. It's not a healthy relationship, but bogging the story down to expand on it when it becomes irrelevant within three chapters seemed like the opposite of progress. I touch on it later when it actually does become relevant.
He would have had to be Celestia's first born to get away with that much attitude in the military.
I made it clear in the prologue that his father is an extremely powerful figure in the military. That's precisely the reason he hasn't been thrown in the slammer or kicked out on his ass, it's why his little sister has such an important position and rank, it's why both siblings are surprised to hear that he's been grounded by the High Council, and it's also a large part of why his relationship with him is strained.
unless you are a total and complete idiot
I don't know if you realized this, but Mach is a total and complete idiot.
That is the reaction of a man-child
Bingo.
The doctor who fixes him up is never even seen
I cut that scene out because we all know who it is. Candi. I was treading dangerous ground as it is writing for canon characters, I didn't want to push it further than I already had. That's the whole reason I didn't make Calamity more excited about seeing Mach. If I did, I'd be completely negating the excitement he feels when meeting Radar for the first time.
plan out what you need to accomplish. You should have a set of lists for every chapter.
This is going to surprise the hell out of you, but I do. Mach doesn't develop over the period of a few chapters, he slowly changes over the course of the story. As he meets his first companion and she starts to chip away at his shell, that's when he stops becoming such a huge asshole to everyone. It's been said time and time again by readers that Mach isn't their favorite character, and that I excel at writing supporting characters, which is probably why he isn't endearing at all to you. It's also worth nothing that this is actually two chapters' worth of content that I divided into six separate chapters for the rewrite, so it seems like the story has advanced further than it actually has.
I'll admit that I'm not doing the best I possibly can. I own that. I'm a one-man band, and stuff slips through the cracks as a result. I haven't met anyone that is invested in the story enough to the point where I can actually trust them with the responsibility of editing (or, I suppose it would be pre-reading or something, since I tend to be pretty good about spelling and grammar). I absolutely will not just foist the responsibility off on someone who has no stake in the story. I want someone who enjoys the story and who has both the ability and the desire to help me make it the best it can possibly be. Finding someone like that is really not that easy.
>>Physically abusive. >>That time she did the same thing to you that you did to her.
Again, that's rough sex between two people into rough sex, not abuse. I've known people like this. They punch each other, pull each other's hair, bite each other until it leaves bruises and it's still not abuse because they love each other dearly and that's what turns them on. If you want it to come across as abuse, and not just two adults with a power-switch fetish it needs to be explored more when you first introduce the concept.
>>but bogging the story down to expand on it when it becomes irrelevant within three chapters seemed like the opposite of progress.
That is the mistake you are making in a nutshell. You seem to be writing the story with the goal of "Getting it done." instead of writing the story to "build the story". Look back at the story that spawned the fandom, FOE. Between the prolog, the intro and the first part of the first chapter where the main character is thinking about the society she is born into and what her place in it is, there are 1,300 words (16 paragraphs) before the first time a character ever even speaks.
That is because the writer was using "Show don't tell" to set up the world. Just saying, "I hate my cutie mark because it's a pipbuck, something everyone has." wouldn't be as powerful as the time KKat takes to envelop the reader in the world and show why it's true. You want us to know that Mach's father is important to the Enclave but you never show us why. What does he do? What could he possibly be in charge of that would let his family get away with such completely inappropriate behavior? If you introduced us to his life and showed us the conflicting philosophies and ideals of his life vs his father's life at the start, it would have made for a much more engaging character that we could sympathise with and learn to care about instead of just two assholes butting heads over the dinner table because one of them won't give up his dream of being a rock star flyer and the other one thinks dreaming of being a rock star flyer is dishonorable. (Which no pegasus ever thought, ever.)
You have a prolog in your story which is essentially a disjointed rambling about him waking up in the morning with a hangover followed by a pony in deadly power armor meeting him and offering the chance for him to come clean. His life is threatened by someone in deadly power armor, someone working for someone high in the chain of command or some rogue element, then after the guy goes away Mach just trots on about his day like it's no big deal.
Picture this happening in the real world. Picture yourself as the son of some important military figure, a five star general in charge of the nuclear launch codes or something, and a heavily armored man in military gear corners you in the park and says "Is there something you want to tell me?" while acting threateningly. You don't just blow that shit off. This is not a "Whatever, YOLO!" moment. If he was being threatened by someone in rare and expensive, military stealth-gear then his families lives could be in danger and he totally shrugs it off like it's no big deal because he's too concerned with being angry at his father.
You could have made the existing prolog part of chapter 1 and made an actual prolog (Prologs are about the world around the character traditionally, not the character themselves) a short one page story about the night before the hangover showing what he and his friends were doing to be so wasted, while showing his father doing whatever it is his father does to earn such respect. It would have shown the great dichotomy between father and son. It would have let us understand why they are at such opposing view points. As it is, we're on page 7 and all we know about Mach and his father's relationship is that they are assholes to each other. He's an asshole, Mach's an asshole, the only people not assholes in their family are his mother and sister and we have no idea why.
It would have shown the reader why Mach gets away with what he gets away with instead of just some nebulous excuse that we have no context for. You seem to have this cognitive dissidence when it comes to your character and the world your character lives in.
>> I don't know if you realized this, but Mach is a total and complete idiot.
That point you are making very clear, the question becomes, why in Celestia's blue sky is he being given military responsibility much less trusted to test dangerous, experimental, technology. That's like handing out machine guns to the winners at the Special Olympics!
There is a difference between "Not that bright" and "Mentally handicap", Mach is the latter. His bulb isn't just dim, it's barely on at all. No one would trust someone that stupid with dangerous military technology. He is so oblivious that he just glazes over the fact a pony in classified, deadly, power armor is making vague threats because he is too busy lamenting his father won't let him chase his dreams about being in the Wonderbolts. Most ponies would need to be on Moondust or high on MedX to be that freaking oblivious.
Either he's a totally hard core bad-ass who barely even flinches when raiders try and rape him, which would indicate some prior experience with conflict and trauma which let him not freeze up and end up being victimized OR he's a complete fucking idiot who is use to living a totally pampered life where his every need is met and he gets away with walking all over people but you can't be both. You can't be a hard core killer and a incompetent moron at the same time just like you can't be a moron and a trusted military test pilot at the same time.
Has his mother been putting high doses of ritalin in his food all these years or something?
5082080 Okay, look. I'm going through some shit right now, and it's hard enough to keep focus without arguing my point and wondering if I should just unpublish the story and put it up again once I've sorted some of this out. The only thing that's stopping me is that it's one reader's opinion. If I had some consenting opinions from others, I'd be more inclined to seriously consider changing some of the things you have a problem with.
You make some good points. I acknowledge that, but there are things we disagree on, such as how much of an idiot/asshole Mach really is. Many of these things are explored later in the story, in sequences that explain bits of Mach's past and underline how much he's changed as a character from his foalhood, to the time the story starts, to the chapter during which the flashback(s) takes place. That being said, you seem to be holding me to a standard unreachable by someone of my experience and current lack of 'staff.'
Can't do it on my own, guy. As much as I'd love to. I tried that once and look where it got me--rewriting. Apparently I haven't quite gained as much experience as I needed, because we're still having problems.
Do what other writers do. Start a google doc, keep it hidden and invite the people you know you can trust to be editors on it. You can have a group of friends help you with it and if something goes horribly wrong, there is a feature where you can go back to a previous version.
Very few people write alone. Even Stephen King has a group of people he runs his work by and gets them to critique it before he releases it to the public.
5097780 The problem here is that the only group of people I have that could possibly help in this situation all defer to me. I use them as a sounding board all the time, but they have a difficult time actually helping me with the important stuff. I don't have anyone is my problem. I know very few people write alone. I know that. I just can't seem to find anyone with the knowledge and wherewithal to jump in and help.
Pop over to here: http://cloudsville.forumotion.com/f7-fan-fiction and start a thread. You'll find tons of people who want to help. I follow the [Grimdark] thread for Fallout: Project Horizons there. It's a good place to hook up with editors and writers. PM me for my gmail account for the docs if you want me. Always glad to help.
5097987 I would've thrown out a call to arms long ago if I wanted any old person willing to help. I want someone who's going to be invested in the story and legitimately wants to see it improve. Ideally someone already familiar with the story. There's a difference between offering one's knowledge and perspectives to be helpful and truly diving into the story alongside me to help guide it in a steady direction.
I'm also notoriously difficult to work with. Whoever decides to help has to be thick-skinned and extremely patient, and I've found that it's difficult to find people possessing both qualities.
I almost forgot! I try and spread the word about this program as often as I can. It's a free writing program that is just invaluable if you want to write fiction. This is a link to a youtube video showing what it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI3zRTWyCGg It's a writing program that lets you create chapters, and scenes within those chapters, you can create "character profiles" which detail the characters you'll be using and let you map out their personalities, hopes, dreams, appearances, and so forth.
There is a tool for saving profiles on special objects like if you were to be using the elements of harmony in your work you could create a profile for them detailing what they do, what they look like, how they work and so forth then then ever you use them in a chapter you can drag that profile to the chapter and have easy access to all your notes.
It lets you create outlines so you know where you are, where you are going in the story and helps you break the story down into scenes that serve specific purposes instead of just rambling. You can outline your entire book, the characters and so forth then create the chapters knowing where you are headed and what you need to do in each part.
Absolutely free and if you learn to use it your work will improve massively. Setting up all the characters, locations and objects lets you really flesh out the world and having those notes as easy reference also lets you be consistent. http://www.spacejock.com/yWriter5_Download.html
Disclaimer: I have never read the original version of Outlaw, nor do I have much of an idea where it's going.
Oh god this chapter was just a horrifying tour of misinformation for Mach. He's kind of got this aggressive-asshole core driving him to lose his temper. Poor guy's gonna have to learn to rein that in, and I wonder if it'll be when he finds out what he did to those foals, if he ever does. The one that cuddled up to his wing was fucking heartbreaking, and I hate you for it. My only consolation is that in a few days they'll all be freed by Littlepip, but still. Not much consolation. It's not even really Mach's fault, Railright duped him into it.
On a different note, I actually liked how Mach reacted to Reggie. It makes perfect sense that he'd be racist against griffons. Hell, it makes more sense than ponies still begrudging zebras. It's an irrational hatred carried by a violent temper (and holy jesus, Mach has a violent temper), but it does make logical sense.
Looking ahead, I just know that somewhere along the end of this story, Operation Cauterize is going to be involved. I just hope Mach has made himself some goddamn friends by then or else he's fucked six ways from Sunday.
5111395 Oh, he'll learn. Eventually. He'll remain blissfully unaware of what happened to the foals, though.
Funny you bring up the logic of holding a grudge against the zebras. I feel like it's not really much of a spoiler, so I'll say that Mach actually doesn't harbor any grudge toward them. Just those damn dirty catbirds.
Yep. Way near the end, though. He'll have plenty of friends by that time, and some of them aren't as likely as you'd think.
The bold word should be *vice* if you're referring to the workbench clamp.
No... No, vise is the correct form here. Vise/vise-grip is the proper spelling for the tool. Unless of course you're British, in which case this entire thing is a cultural misunderstanding. We American butchers of the Queen's english use vise to denote the tool.
I think 'puzzle' could do to be replaced with *sift*. I'm not sure if you're implying the same thing, but a better word can do to replace it.
I'll consider that one.
Swap the em-dashes for commas.
Dashes vs commas is more a matter of preference in this particular circumstance. My (brand new!) editor prefers commas here but I'm more fond of dashes.
Adding the bold words makes the sentence read more smoothly.
Overall, it's a good read thus far. Can't wait to see what's in store.
I think you misunderstood my intent with that sentence. By weathered, I meant to imply that the bottle had persisted through the harsh conditions of war, not that it had been scored and physically weathered by it. I will concede that it is a bit murky, and I've gone ahead and reworded it to clear that up.
5121661 oh, I know they're only visible there. My hesitation was more whether I should wait for the rewrite to finish, forge ahead or read the first edition and make that decision later. Reading it now though.
If anyone can post a chapter on anything with no errors whatsoever, they deserve a medal. Don't beat yourself up over that, it happens.
I dunno, I'm a sucker for a cliffhanger. These are pretty well done so unless you really mess one up you could keep with it for 60 chapters and I'd be fine.
now here's the real question: why won't it tell me you responded?! I switch viewing places and you respond; I can see it and I'm replying to it. No notification though.
Dashes vs commas is more a matter of preference in this particular circumstance. My (brand new!) editor prefers commas here but I'm more fond of dashes.
I respectfully disagree. It's not really a matter of preference than it is being grammatically correct. From a grammatical perspective, em-dashes are used to indicate a sharp transition from one section of a sentence to the next. Commas are better used in this instance after the fact
Oh damn, I didn't think you were gonna bother with a comment. Dammit Bobulator, I told you not to say anything. Now I've got no choice but to get off my ass and start Frozen Skies. I just want to try and get a little more writing done first. I'm already over a month behind schedule.
Ok, I had read a while ago to pre-rewrite a couple chapters past Mach and Greaser meeting, so there will be some comparison here.
You poor soul. I'm so sorry you had to see that.
Believe me, I'm very aware that what happened in that office was completely unprofessional. On top of that, he never requested permission to speak freely, so that whole scene requires a certain amount of suspension of disbelief.
Admittedly, I fall into the camp of avidly awaiting that smut of them, canon or not.
God dammit, you're supposed to be on my side in this, Relentless. >.>
Gust and Gale
Yeah, they're coming back. A few times, actually. Let's just say that vengeful streak from the original draft is still there, and Mach will be receiving the dividends of their loathing for him.
I'll admit I could've handled the mission a bit better, but part of my goal was to seriously dial down the sue. Axing Mach cutting down an alicorn without any kind of problems seemed like the way to go. On top of that, I figured it made more sense to order Mach back to base given the fact that his father was already under suspicion for treason, and he himself was also under close scrutiny for the same. A hoof out of line to help wastelanders=guilty.
If you've read up to when I introduced Greaser, then you know exactly what kind of storytelling method I employ in that very same chapter. Those are quite frequent throughout the story funnily enough, I was a special snowflake in that regard until Bobulator and Memories came along, and are used to delve into Mach's past. They deepen relationships between his family and friends, and many many questions are answered through them. The journal doesn't even come into play until chapter 28.
It wasn't exactly an interrogation, though I definitely should've been more clear about it. There was no concrete evidence, and the Inquisitor didn't expect it to erupt into violence the way it did. His bodyguard was there only as a precaution, and admittedly as a way to make things more difficult for Mach. Mach's father's 'interrogation' was more like the scene from the prologue where Mysterious Pony #1 is trying to get Mach to confess of his own volition. I'll toy around with it and make it a little more clear.
You'll see more of those two in the aforementioned storytelling device. Plus, well... you've seen the cover. You must know Solara's coming back.
That was the name of the game for the rewrite. Make Mach less sue. Now I'm taking away all of the things he treasures and beating the shit out of him to show people that I mean business. I don't cotton to any sues in these here parts, and I was young and reckless when I wrote that first chapter.
Pfft, have you seen any of Adder's reviews? I can take constructive criticism, and I welcome it. I only wish I knew how to give it, but I'm not a very good reviewer. If you've seen any of my comments on TLS, they're all me singing Adder's praises. That's really all I know how to do, so that's probably what you'll be seeing when I mosey on over to Frozen Skies.
Also, kudos. I fucking love Mighty wings, and it fits Mach.
5198420 Oh, no. No, not by a longshot. I just moved a couple weeks ago, and my mother just had surgery for a pinched nerve on Wednesday, so I'm a little behind on my writing currently. The next chapter is only at around ~3400 words at the moment.
5366887 Yeah, actually. Talk to Veradon Chimera, he took it upon himself to put together a three-volume .PDF of the unrevised story, but I'm afraid I've lost the links.
Chapter 6 was good Tofu, sorry I took so long to read it. It feels really well done, lots of thought and effort put into it. Keep at it Tofu. I'll have more to say on chapter 7.
OK, it's not often that I see someone use the words "coach gun" in a fic, and I commend you for having class to name what a shotgun was originally called.
This is shaping up to be quite the story!
4934566 Sadly I knew something like that would happen.
Okay so Mach finaly has some medical treatment, has found ponies who don't want to kill him, even if they are needlessly confrontational, and has a chance to get his bearings, let's see what comes next.
I was awoken from my slumber the next day by quite the ruckus. Or perhaps fracas would’ve been a more apt descriptor for the clamor.
Ah, I'm guessing Littlepip just arrived in town. Also, very nice wording there story. Pinkie Pie would approve.
and the dislocated joint of my right wing was nothing more than a dull ache
And even that ache will be gone in no time after a few doses of Candi's 'special' medicine.
a spot on my leg that had been shaved bald.
One of the lesser talked about issues with Pony medicine, all that fur getting in the way.
but I’d gladly set my recovery back if it meant flying was once again an option.
Damnit Mach. I get really wanting to get in the air again, but would you rather be able to fly at full power, or take a few half assed trips around and wreck your ability to fly permanently by over exerting still healing muscles? That said, yeah you need to work it out and get it used to being used again, and hasn't been down for TO long, so a few short flights shouldn't be to bad so long as you don't over do it.
levitated a badly wounded raider mare
Yup. Ohai Littlepip!
over to a bloodied examination table
Unhygienic! Seriously Candi, with all the booze you pass around, do you at least wash that thing down with some alcohol between patients?
the ponies of New Appleloosa had found the corpse of Garrote and were attempting to revive her,
Yeah more then a little late for that Mach.... not a lot of necromancy at work down here. Though as irrational as that idea is, it was out of fear and guilt, and yeah wasn't something he had thought out so it does work well.
it was crystal clear that I wasn’t welcome in New Appleloosa.
For absolutely no good reason at all. Beyond adding more conflict to the story when it really wasn't needed. (Yes still don't like that part and don't think it works.)
Leaving the ponies to tend to the wounded raider, I slipped quietly out of the door with the intention to make tracks.
Ummm, aren't you forgetting some things? Like, your weapons and the rest of your equipment?
Railright said, glowering at me menacingly.
Oh shut up you fucking ass hole. (Yeah him being an utter ass hole is perfectly in character, just makes me loathe the useless sack of politician shit even more.)
“Yer not leavin’ until y’ cough up enough t’ cover what it cost us t’ treat ya.”
Which would be Candi being the one getting paid, not you. Then again this bastard is just as likely to take the money and come up with some BS about how it's a tax or some such and screw Candi out of it.
but Railright was hardly on the moral high ground himself.
You don't know the half of it Mach.
or Ah’ll take it by force. Yer call.
Please choose force, please... kick his sorry ass. Yeah not the smartest idea but, I just really want to see him get a good pummeling.
holed on up in yer fancy li’l time-capsule paradise above the clouds.
Again, seems like they know way more about it then they should, even with Calamity.
Though if I were feeling generous, could figure he made a few remarks now and then, and Railright is just piecing together what little he said, filling in the rest with bullshit, and just using it as an excuse to be an asshole. So it could work for him, just not if this is some widespread thing.
I guarantee the gold used to mint those bits is worth a whole lot more than the steel in bottlecaps.
Not really. What use is gold to a place like this? It has no practical value or use. Steel could at least be smelted down and used to create useful tools.
by sellin’ all yer stuff.
Yeah, ya did kind of forget something Mach.
There was the wing relocation—that there’s a specialized procedure, givin’ we don’t ‘xactly deal with yer kind often, if ever. Bullet removal, blood transfusion, an’ saline t’ rehydrate ya. Ah believe the total cost came down t’ about three-hundred caps.”
Again, Candi is the one who did all that and the one he owes for it, not Railright, unless he really is trying to screw Candi over.
that a group o’ li’l foals an’ their escort were captured by some raiders. Ah don’t much care fer their chances o’ survival in raider custody. Either the poor li’l young’uns will be killed by the bastards, or their innocent li’l minds’ll be warped by ‘em an’ they’ll prolly turn raider themselves. Ah’d like y’ t’ head on over an’ bust ‘em loose.”
Oh fuck you! Fuck you you scum sucking, shit talking, cowardly, Celestia damned, Luna forsaken, sack of crap! Luna rape your ass with moon rocks while Celestia gelds you with sunfire!
“Iffin’ Ah give y’ all o’ yer stuff, then there’s nothin’ keepin’ y’ from just flyin’ on off without takin’ care o’ muh problem.
And you are an utter fucking moron. So, you want to get this done, and then hamstring the pony you are trying to make get this done by not letting them use the best equipment they already have?
So going with the Metroid Other M approach to things? Yeah cause that worked out SO well....
“Old Appleloosa’s ‘bout an hour’s train ride from here.
No way, it was WAY more then an hour. Littlepip and co were already well on the way back when they got ambushed by the slavers and cut the train free, and the fact they were so far from New Appleloosa was a major detail, given they didn't think the foals they had rescued would survive the trip to New Appleloosa across the Wastes and had to get a second train sent out to pick them up. It's at least a few hours long trip.
Them little young’uns was rustled while they was on their way from here t’ there,
Okay this I'm not buying. Yes New Apploosa traded with the slavers, knowing full well they were slavers, but that was just them being practical, or so they liked to tell themselves. They weren't really helping them enslave ponies after all.... and I could certainly see Railright just outright being willing to help them do so while keeping it secret. But no way would they be sending a shipment of foals to them intentionally, and no way would Railright go that far, and be able to hide it.
“Calamity don’t owe me money, that’s why,”
Riiiight, also he knows Calamity would just as likely blow his head off for even suggestion he help what he knows are slavers.
Right around the time the waypoint marker on the ScoutBuck’s automap
Wait, he still had that? Didn't they take that as well as everything else? Why would they leave such an obvious pace of tech on him, but take some old set of flight goggles? It's not like this is a PipBuck that you can't just take off.
A large princess-sized bed
Versus 'king' sized, yet again, never thought about that before, and yet it makes perfect sense.
three, all told, along with their earth pony escort, bound and gagged.
So not some do gooders trying to keep the foals from the slavers... rival faction trying to poach the old Appleloosan slaves? Or just a group working for them that wants more money and is holding off delivery till then?
Both colts were dead to the world, snoring obnoxiously
Wait, were the foals bound and gagged, or just the escort? If the latter, okay might be some do gooders, since said 'escort' is one of the slavers.
or was I missing a piece of the puzzle?
Ding ding ding!
Regardless of whether or not I was missing something, I had a job to do.
Luna damnit Mach... still reckless, impulsive, leap before thinking, yeah this is par for the course for him, now how long is it going to take him to learn how screwed that will get you down here?
The ScoutBuck was still refusing to provide me any feedback on potential hostile targets,
And yes, do like that it's been toned down, makes more sense it shouldn't be easy to pair down a PipBuck into something like that without losing far more features.
“WOW, A PEG—” the little filly squealed excitedly, and I quickly slapped a hoof over her mouth before she could continue.
“Nah. I got a better idea. Follow my lead.”
Make with the killing as an example to do gooders trying to save foals from being enslaved?
“Hurry up, Mister! Let’s go!”
These foals seem awful calm and oblivious given what's been going on, how the hell did they get captured in the first place that they are being this chipper?
Raiders didn’t like their merchandise running out from beneath their noses.
Do you want to pull the cart, or do you want to hop in back and defend us
Hmmm, Earth Pony, or pegasus with military training, which would be better pulling, which better shooting?
Though if the cart is small enough, Mach could just fly with it couldn't he? Then again might strain his wing a bit to much.
“Hey! Hoovsies to yourselves!” I chastised as the filly began rubbing her face up against my feathers and sighing contentedly.
Awww, poor little filly, knowing what's going on.. I really like her. Still curious how she ended up captured by slavers in a way that isn't leaving her traumatized and scared, but still. But on the plus side Mach's screw up isn't going to effect the foals TO badly, since they will only be there for a day or two before Littlepip breaks them free for real.
Also, she is keeping her Hoofsies to herself, she's nuzzling your wings.
I ducked as a gunshot went whizzing by my head,
So they are shooting at the cart full of the foals they are trying to save? I can get trying to take down Chain Link, but you'd think they would make sure to get clear shots in at him.
but I’d spent enough range time with scoped energy rifles to know how to brace for recoil, even if energy weapons had none.
How does that make any sense? "I learned to compensate for something the weapons I used did not have."
An eerie magical glow enveloped the pony as my final shot hit home, and he simply disintegrated on the spot,
Well crap, when/will Mach learn he just killed some ponies only trying to protect their foals from slavers?
“Try not to land yourselves in trouble! There won’t always be a hero to come rescue you, y’know?”
Damnit mach.. you mean well, but you are an IDIOT! Just be glad there WILL be a hero coming along to save these foals... several times in a row at that.
to protect my friends and family, should we ever go to war again. I still didn't think much of the ponies down here, but maybe they weren't all savages. I'd just been blackmailed into liberating a group of foals from raiders, after all.
Alright story, playing up the "He just condemned foals to slavery without realizing it and thinking he was doing a good thing" thing a little to hard. Just a little. I think that nail is as embedded as it's going to get, you can stop hammering on it.
There’s a band o' mercenaries out here who operate out o’ a nearby rail junction—Junction R-7.
So, Mach isn't trailing along behind Littlepip, he's out in front showing up ahead of her and then leaving her to clean up his mess? Though yeah guessing that won't last TO long.
What’s the worst that could happen?
Celestia fucking damnit Mach, do you WANT to make things as difficult as possible?
I grunted as I was driven roughly to the ground and my face was mashed into the dirt by a massive clawed appendage
Gee, who could have seen that coming? Gawd didn't take kindly to him showing up I take it.
“Who do you work for? Is it Deadeyes? Answer me!”
Ummm, technically YOU work for Deadeyes... no wait, she works directly for mister Topaz, Deadeyes is just the intermediary. But, going after him for thinking he's one of Deadeyes' spies or something, rather then the whole Enclave thing, that works. Even if Gawd is one of the few I'd actually buy having those sentiments this early.
Given the chance, I’d kill every last one of you,
Damnit Mach. NOW IS NOT THE TIME! Then again given this is Gawd, she'd likely be more receptive to believing him acting like this rather then try to sweet talk his way past her.
A gruff female voice exclaimed, her tone rife with experience and world weariness.
AH so that isn't Gawd holding him down..... Reggie?
“Got a new toy, Reggie?
Okay, and makes more sense, Gawd would likely be a bit calmer about dealing with things, but we didn't see what started it so could have been justified.
“Flew into our airspace and opened fire on us when we moved t’ investigate,”
Like that....... I need to start a "Mach doesn't want to live" counter for all the stupid shit he says and does that will do nothing but bring him pain and he should know that.
and I realized too late that I may have made a mistake in letting my prejudice determine my response
YA THINK!
they were the enemy. Ever since we’d attacked their homeland
And he does not even see the issues with that line of thought. "They were the enemy ever since we launched an unprovoked attack on them and made them our enemy for no reason beyond greed and idiocy."
past a massive energy cannon mounted to a train car that instantly drew my eye like a magnet.
Nice bit of detail there. Again SO love things like this, and the "princess sized bed" that show how much you are thinking things through, trying to make sure this really fits into the established setting.. just.. love it so damn much. And makes stuff I don't quite agree with, like the anti-pegasus stuff, not as big a deal cause I can see how you are trying and, just have a different take. Still yes little details like this DO matter and do make the story work so much better.
I struggled against her hold as she undid the straps on my battle saddle, as well as my pistol holster and knife sheath
You really need to learn when to shut up Mach.
Then again, there really was no kill like overkill.
"There is no such thing as overkill. There is only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload'."
It wasn’t like I couldn’t just shoot straight up if I’d really wanted to flee,
And she could likely grab you leg before it got out of range and slam you into the ground, or simply take off after you if you tried.
that means you’re the only person I can use to get this job done.
Sending him on a scouting mission? he really is forging right ahead of Littlepip isn't he?
Well, I’ll tell them exactly where you are and that they can come and collect you
I'd say she's bluffing, cause why the hell would she ever contact the Enclave, or even know how to do it. So yeah... granted this is mach so he's not likely to call it as a bluff.
“Tell me, Enclave, what do you know about Stables…?”
Hmmm, okay not what I thought. This should be interesting. Okay okay, random ass guess, he goes out looking for the stable, and ends up doing so, and going through the stable itself, for so long he comes back just after Littlepip has come in, torn shit up and left.
Overall, nice chapter, Mach is trying to settle in, find his place. He still wants to do good, to help out if he can. But isn't to idealistic about it. Just, he'd prefer to do things he can feel good about doing, but will take other jobs if he has to. Railright, yeah he is even more of a detestable piece of shit then he already was. Kind of wish we had gotten another bit between Mach and Calamity, just to set him straight a bit, cause he needs it. He means well, but is still an impulsive idiot. Granted Calamity isn't that far behind him in that regards.
The whole helping to send foals into slavery, yeah it's bad but, he thought he was helping, plus it's not that bad given, as noted, Littlepip will be freeing them in a day or two anyway. Wait, okay be more then that, but still within a week. plus they'll have Velvet looking after them there.
So yeah now Mach's wasteland adventure really starts and, can't wait to see where it take him.
Wait he helped enslave the foals didn'the he? That was new.
4934394
Sadly, yes. Unbeknownst to him, our well-meaning but naive protagonist has indeed helped to enslave those poor little foals.
I absolutely love the direction you are taking this in. This is quickly becoming one of my favorite stories.
4943132
And you sir, are quickly becoming one of my favorite readers! I can't seem to get anyone else (new or re-reading) to let me know what they think of the revised story. You stay classy, internet guy!
4964772
Aw, it's all right. You found your way back, and that's all that matters!
Since you came in on the rewrite, you're completely in the dark as far as future events go. Solara... you'll just have to wait and see for her. Also, don't be surprised if you see that your prediction about Doc's gadgets comes true in the future. ;D
That Bobulator's a swell guy, I tell ya.
4965081
Nope, she was conscious and listening the whole time. Just gagged. Mach's not related to RD though, I'll say that much. What his father deleted will be made clear in time.
The alignment issue's not much of a problem. Everything starts off parallel to Littlepip's adventure, but Mach breaks away and starts his own quest early on. He'll only be getting snippets of what's going on in LP's quest as the story progresses, which serve as an indicator of how much time has passed in both stories.
He'll be learning a pretty brutal lesson about the wasteland very early on, as you'll be seeing soon. He's got the heart and the military training, but does he have the right experience to deal with everything the wasteland can throw at him? We'll see!
I'm glad you're enjoying the story so much thus far! If you do decide to write something, I'll be sure to take a peek at it!
Hahaha! Woo, I finished this nice and done. Woot! But, now I wanna read more... Must... Not... Look... at... Google Docs. >.>
In this 'finale' installment he's enslaved some kids and it seems is getting into the wrong side of things. Goodness, I can see you're trying for the grey character. The guy who wants to do good, but because he's ignorantly stupid about shit and apparently racist as well, he's not having a good time of it so far. Griffons are wonderful little creatures in the mlp universe. They're so pretty, I love that they're so abundant in the Fallout Equestria universe! It was real fun followiing him as he took on his first mission of the wasteland. I was laughing the whole time when he started thinking maybe they weren't raiders. No, buddy, you gone killed some good guys. (I think.) Those foals are gonna go and have a rough time of it now. Sad sad sad.
Honestly I don't have much to say in this chapter. But what I've read so far has been amazing and I've very much enjoyed it. It's hard to do first person and ya doing first person here. So great job buddy. I'd like to see more now, but at the same time I'mma hold myself back so I can get the better quality on top of that first time read feeling. From here on I don't know what'll be next. Where the tale will take him. But you've finished the book, you know, you just gotta polish it and send it out again. And then, I get to read and know! Yup! *Drinks monster* Gosh I'm a little hyper and babbling now...
What I can say is you've got my imagination a stirring for writing my own fallout Equestria story. I love that you're intermixing Mach into the actual tale and every reference and little scene that mixes him up with Katt's characters just puts a big smile on my face. But now I'll have the issue of forgetting who's who, and if it'll be your OC or Katt's. XD
Wonderful story here yet again. Good luck with the writing and editing and I hope to see more soon!
Quaver Ava
4967339 Bobulator is a pretty cool guy. I kind of wish I could be his friend. :P
And maybe yours too.
4968046
Sorry for taking so long to respond. I've had some real life stuff going on, and... yeah. Your comments did make me happy, though!
I wanted to remove Mach's ability to fly and still have a way of returning it to him fairly easily, and this was the best way I could see to do it. In the original draft, his wing was shot through with a magical energy weapon, and MEW damage is supposed to be permanently scarring. The introduction to the Wasteland went a lot better the second time around, I think. The first time it was just: crash land, hobble to town hall, pass out.
Food will actually be a primary plot point across the entirety of the story. Make sure you keep a close eye on Mach as the story continues to progress and see if you can notice the subtle effect eating has on the narrative. You're very right, though. Horrible things will be happening. C:
4969517
Yep, this is the only time Mach interacts with major characters from the original story. It's a polarizing issue, but the general consensus seems to be that I handled it very well, and I'm glad to hear it.
You may have noticed that Mach has an anger problem. Well... the struggle with his inner demons is going to be a recurring issue throughout the story. Will he succumb to his inner savagery, or will he beat it back and remain the steadfast hero? Only time will tell.
I will admit it was a little abrupt, but it's supposed to be remeniscent of the single wandering Enclave eyebot the Lone Wanderer runs into while passing through Springvale in Fallout 3. In the original draft, Watcher snuck up on him while he was busy trying to raid a Sparkle~Cola machine, so it's definitely much more abrupt here.
I don't really want to get into the reader issue, suffice it to say that I hear what you're saying from a lot of different people. I don't know why I don't get much traffic, but it's always been this way. I've grown used to it by now. I care less about views and more about great readers like you who take time to write a comment after reading. Hearing what people think really boosts my confidence.
4970258
Don't do it. Don't you do it! The original story's first few ten or fifteen chapters are a terribly written mess, and you'd only be doing yourself a disservice!
That's Mach all right, the blundering well-meaning hot shot. I wouldn't really paint him as grey, true grey characters are surprisingly difficult to write for. He's more... lawful stupid. It's okay though, they won't be slaves for long! Littlepip will be there to save the day eventually!
I'm delighted to hear that you're enjoying the story so far. I only hope I can continue to entertain you as I move forward.
4970309
Any reader of mine who stops to write comments like you is a pal of mine, friend!
4993023
Oh no, you taking a little while was perfectly fine. I was just a little curious is all. S'not like I just read fanfiction all the time waiting for my favorite stories to update. Nope, I totally don't have an addiction. :P
The thing about food in the wasteland is that it baffles me. The ground is too radioactive to grow vegetation, but all of the pre-war snacks and wrappers saved it from being too poisonous to eat? I swear there's gotta be at least a couple of farms still oporational. I mean, in Pink Eyes, we had at least one farm. *Can't remember if there were more.* And there are plenty of caves or tunnels that would have survived the radiation to keep furtile soil. So when people get upset about farms in Fo:E it baffles me... Anyways, still looking forward to what he eats and where that takes him from there.
You know, I used to be pretty active in the Redwall archive over at fanfiction.net and I'll tell you what. They didn't have many readers there, but we all became a little community where everyone left reviews and stuff. I mean, there were some really good stories and authors there that would help you and review your stuff for you at one point. I also got to a point of leaving +1000 word reviews. It was super fun and I learned so much from everyone there. But alas, the community slowly died with each person being overwhelmed with school/work or simply deciding they were ready for original fiction/professional writing.
Do you have a skype? PM if ya do and would like to chat. I'm looking for more brony friends that enjoy writing as much as I do. :3
Quaver Ava
4993859
Wait a little while and you'll see what I do as far as food in the wasteland. We should get there in 5-6 old chapters (which should equate to about 15-18 rewritten chapters).
I do have a Skype. My contact info is on my profile page, but I'm a little occupied tonight, so I won't really be able to chat much.
4993912 That's a long time to wait there! DX
4994226
It's a vague estimate. I'm flying blind here and just using the current pattern of one old chapter=3 rewritten chapters to guess the total. It's entirely possible that with content cuts and rearrangements, it won't wind up being nearly that long a wait.
4994454 Well alright. :3
Sent ya that skype request. :D
And so it begins, my favourite FoE sidefic is back. Hell yeah!
Anyway, I went and set myself the challenge to rewrite the wiki articles on this properly once the story's fully updated, I mean, Brightlance has an article and Astral doesn't!
I personally find the new first few chapters not just much better but also helpful since I'm planning to include the Enclave, and in particular Soarin' R&D, in a fic of my own.
"Eventually," Yeah… Pip didn't quite make it in time; "you only have to kill one of them in front of the others to take the fight out of them."
4995075
Tonto was making most of the articles for Outlaw until he burned out on building up the wiki, which is why the articles of my cast are so spotty. I was going to make an article for Astral, but I didn't want to do it until I'd made a vector of her, and then I just forgot.
No, my happy feels! It's been too long since I've read FoE, I thought Pip busted into Old Appleloosa and freed all the slaves! D:
4996460 It's implied in a terminal entry that one of the foals in Old Appleoosa was killed to keep the others in line, so for Big Boom, (working title, I'll upload it when Chapter 1 is done) I made it one of the colts from the manor. I guess the filly would have sufficed to, but she's waaaaaay to important for that. Sorry about your feels man.
Btw, thanks for inspiring me to write an MLP fanfic that isn't just a random daydream written down (I have like 6 on my hard drive that I'll never release.)
5078284
It made more sense in the original draft, but I'm really not in the mood to argue, so I'll just remove it.
Could've fooled me.
Does this pegasus ever not act like an asshole?
Talking to his family: Being an asshole.
Talking to superior officers: Being an asshole.
Held at gunpoint: Being an asshole.
Meeting and fucking his girl friend: Asshole who never shows any emotion other than lust and reluctance. Never even said "I love you", or "thanks for being my cumdumpster." nothing.
Saving his father by taking the blame: Being an asshole.
Begging for medical help, almost dead: Being an asshole.
After attacking Talons unprovoked and being captured with a gun to his head: Being an asshole.
Seriously, the guy has one mode: Asshole.
Is he the villain?
I mean, don't get me wrong. He has anger issues and I get that, but no one is that angry every moment of every day from the second they are awake. No one can function in society purposefully verbally attacking people all the time. Besides, he is a pegasus, he's living the upper-middle-class lifestyle of the wasteland. He was never beaten or raped as a child, or had his family burned alive or any of the common things that happen in the wasteland but the first horrible thing that happens to him he turns into a complete psychopath and rips a pony open because she made him not pretty any more... seriously, that is a really fucked up thing.
The more I read the more this character makes me think of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CjjC7B6v8Y
Seems to me like you’re just looking for reasons to hate the story now.
Only to his father, and their relationship is complicated and hasn't yet been explored, because we're only 6 chapters into the story.
He has issues with authority. This is intentional.
This is explained in the story. It's a coping mechanism. People are different, and not everyone reacts to nervousness/stress the same way. Some get terrified, shiver and plead for their lives, some break down and cry, and some can't control their fast mouth. Mach is the latter.
If you didn't notice from the bits revealed by his friend Duster, it's an abusive relationship and she uses him for sex.
Again, their relationship is strained. If you desperately sought your father's approval and sacrificed everything to gain it only to have him chastise you, can you honestly say you wouldn't be upset?
Railright wasn't the least bit hospitable towards Mach, and it took Calamity to get him to budge. If you were bleeding out and the only person who could help you refused, would you smile and say: "Thank you anyway, sir!" ?
He's racist against griffons. This was explained. This is the one situation out of every single one of these where acting like an asshole should be expected.
His behavior is a large part of his upbringing, but the rewrites haven't progressed far enough yet for the reader to understand why. If it wasn't clear, his father was emotionally cold and incredibly strict and demanding of him since his foalhood while showering his younger sister with love and adoration. On one occasion he nearly killed Mach.
I'd say hang in there and wait, but from the feedback I've been getting from you, I really don't think it would be worth your time. You're clearly not enjoying the story one bit, so I'd suggest moving on to something else.
5080915
>>His father...
If you are about to leave and never see your father again, unless you are a total and complete lunatic, you can have a human moment and say good bye.
>>Abusive relationship...
If she says, "Lets go somewhere private" and you jump in a tank with her it's not abuse that's just rough sex. That's whiny, entitled, pitty me, attention whore mentality to call it abuse. He's in the military, he's already on the higher up's hit list, and he decides to jump into a tank for some rump thumping with a pushy girl. That's not abuse, that's just bad judgement.
>>He has issues with authority.
You must have never been in the military or known any military families. Authority issues are very common in young people from those kind of families. All militaries have a thing to take care of that, it's called boot-camp. If he was a pegasus under my command and he spoke to me like that I would have his ass demoted and sent back to basic training with the colts. That kind of attitude does not fly in any military, ever.
Look at the Wonderbolt Training that they showed Rainbow Dash going to. You think they would have stood for him being disrespectful to his superior officers like that? He would have been out of service in a wingbeat. He would have had to be Celestia's first born to get away with that much attitude in the military. You can disagree with your C.O. all you want, but you do not do so by telling them off unless you wish to explore an exciting new career path as a cell warmer in military prison.
>>Railright wasn't the least bit hospitable towards Mach...
Yes, that is true, but Mach was dying unless you are a total and complete idiot, you beg, plead and bribe for help but you don't demand it and you certainly don't give the person who can save you attitude about it unless you are a total entitled cunt which is what he comes across as. How DARE Railright take his things! Those goggles are HIS goggles! That is the reaction of a man-child or a sociopath. How about you start off the conversation by saying, "Thanks for that whole keeping me alive thing." it would have gone a long way towards making his life easier.
You say he has a problem with authority, but I haven't seen anyone yet he doesn't seem to have a problem with. He even yells at his best friend and what are his first thoughts when he has a chance to rest and recover in the wasteland? Oh, poor me! Oh, how horrible my choice turned out to be! He doesn't think about his best friend, his girl, his family, no one but himself. He has never spared anyone a single thought that wasn't motivated by self-interest. I'm telling you dude, he's the villain in his own life.
>>You're clearly not enjoying the story one bit.
Actually I am, I like how you are coming at the wasteland from the perspective of an outsider not from a stable and how you are weaving the story into the folds of the main story, but on the same note: You're coming so close to greatness and falling short because your characters have no depth. If you can summon up the characters in your story with one word summaries then you need to flesh them out and your characters, almost all of them, have been that way. His sister had depth, The Doc had depth, even his mother showed a little bit of willful duplicity once his father had left the room but Mach is Angry. Railright is angry. Calamity is oddly uninterested in the first pegasus he's most likely seen in 10 years. The doctor who fixes him up is never even seen and that doctor, would have been a great opportunity to have a character who could give him words of wisdom like, "In the wasteland, you need friends." but you just skipped over the one pony on the ground who is actually motivated to care about him at all, completely, so you could send him off to shoot things.
You are writing the story like a videogame and not like a story about a pegasus. It's good, as it is, but it could be amazing. Slow down, take your time, plan out what you need to accomplish. You should have a set of lists for every chapter. Character Arc progression on one list showing which characters you want to expose/grow/devolve emotionally and an action/event list of things you want to happen. You are doing good with the former list, you are moving the story along well and the pacing is going well, but try putting more thought into what you want to develop for the characters personalities and how you can accomplish those goals. To paraphrase Oprah. "You get a character arc! You get a character arc! Everyone gets a character arc!"
Start planning out the development of the characters ahead of time and your story will go from good to awesome.
5081088
Wasn't talking about that. I was talking about:
and
Physically abusive. It's not a healthy relationship, but bogging the story down to expand on it when it becomes irrelevant within three chapters seemed like the opposite of progress. I touch on it later when it actually does become relevant.
I made it clear in the prologue that his father is an extremely powerful figure in the military. That's precisely the reason he hasn't been thrown in the slammer or kicked out on his ass, it's why his little sister has such an important position and rank, it's why both siblings are surprised to hear that he's been grounded by the High Council, and it's also a large part of why his relationship with him is strained.
I don't know if you realized this, but Mach is a total and complete idiot.
Bingo.
I cut that scene out because we all know who it is. Candi. I was treading dangerous ground as it is writing for canon characters, I didn't want to push it further than I already had. That's the whole reason I didn't make Calamity more excited about seeing Mach. If I did, I'd be completely negating the excitement he feels when meeting Radar for the first time.
This is going to surprise the hell out of you, but I do. Mach doesn't develop over the period of a few chapters, he slowly changes over the course of the story. As he meets his first companion and she starts to chip away at his shell, that's when he stops becoming such a huge asshole to everyone. It's been said time and time again by readers that Mach isn't their favorite character, and that I excel at writing supporting characters, which is probably why he isn't endearing at all to you. It's also worth nothing that this is actually two chapters' worth of content that I divided into six separate chapters for the rewrite, so it seems like the story has advanced further than it actually has.
I'll admit that I'm not doing the best I possibly can. I own that. I'm a one-man band, and stuff slips through the cracks as a result. I haven't met anyone that is invested in the story enough to the point where I can actually trust them with the responsibility of editing (or, I suppose it would be pre-reading or something, since I tend to be pretty good about spelling and grammar). I absolutely will not just foist the responsibility off on someone who has no stake in the story. I want someone who enjoys the story and who has both the ability and the desire to help me make it the best it can possibly be. Finding someone like that is really not that easy.
>>Physically abusive.
>>That time she did the same thing to you that you did to her.
Again, that's rough sex between two people into rough sex, not abuse. I've known people like this. They punch each other, pull each other's hair, bite each other until it leaves bruises and it's still not abuse because they love each other dearly and that's what turns them on. If you want it to come across as abuse, and not just two adults with a power-switch fetish it needs to be explored more when you first introduce the concept.
>>but bogging the story down to expand on it when it becomes irrelevant within three chapters seemed like the opposite of progress.
That is the mistake you are making in a nutshell. You seem to be writing the story with the goal of "Getting it done." instead of writing the story to "build the story". Look back at the story that spawned the fandom, FOE. Between the prolog, the intro and the first part of the first chapter where the main character is thinking about the society she is born into and what her place in it is, there are 1,300 words (16 paragraphs) before the first time a character ever even speaks.
That is because the writer was using "Show don't tell" to set up the world. Just saying, "I hate my cutie mark because it's a pipbuck, something everyone has." wouldn't be as powerful as the time KKat takes to envelop the reader in the world and show why it's true. You want us to know that Mach's father is important to the Enclave but you never show us why. What does he do? What could he possibly be in charge of that would let his family get away with such completely inappropriate behavior? If you introduced us to his life and showed us the conflicting philosophies and ideals of his life vs his father's life at the start, it would have made for a much more engaging character that we could sympathise with and learn to care about instead of just two assholes butting heads over the dinner table because one of them won't give up his dream of being a rock star flyer and the other one thinks dreaming of being a rock star flyer is dishonorable. (Which no pegasus ever thought, ever.)
You have a prolog in your story which is essentially a disjointed rambling about him waking up in the morning with a hangover followed by a pony in deadly power armor meeting him and offering the chance for him to come clean. His life is threatened by someone in deadly power armor, someone working for someone high in the chain of command or some rogue element, then after the guy goes away Mach just trots on about his day like it's no big deal.
Picture this happening in the real world. Picture yourself as the son of some important military figure, a five star general in charge of the nuclear launch codes or something, and a heavily armored man in military gear corners you in the park and says "Is there something you want to tell me?" while acting threateningly. You don't just blow that shit off. This is not a "Whatever, YOLO!" moment. If he was being threatened by someone in rare and expensive, military stealth-gear then his families lives could be in danger and he totally shrugs it off like it's no big deal because he's too concerned with being angry at his father.
You could have made the existing prolog part of chapter 1 and made an actual prolog (Prologs are about the world around the character traditionally, not the character themselves) a short one page story about the night before the hangover showing what he and his friends were doing to be so wasted, while showing his father doing whatever it is his father does to earn such respect. It would have shown the great dichotomy between father and son. It would have let us understand why they are at such opposing view points. As it is, we're on page 7 and all we know about Mach and his father's relationship is that they are assholes to each other. He's an asshole, Mach's an asshole, the only people not assholes in their family are his mother and sister and we have no idea why.
It would have shown the reader why Mach gets away with what he gets away with instead of just some nebulous excuse that we have no context for. You seem to have this cognitive dissidence when it comes to your character and the world your character lives in.
>> I don't know if you realized this, but Mach is a total and complete idiot.
That point you are making very clear, the question becomes, why in Celestia's blue sky is he being given military responsibility much less trusted to test dangerous, experimental, technology. That's like handing out machine guns to the winners at the Special Olympics!
There is a difference between "Not that bright" and "Mentally handicap", Mach is the latter. His bulb isn't just dim, it's barely on at all. No one would trust someone that stupid with dangerous military technology. He is so oblivious that he just glazes over the fact a pony in classified, deadly, power armor is making vague threats because he is too busy lamenting his father won't let him chase his dreams about being in the Wonderbolts. Most ponies would need to be on Moondust or high on MedX to be that freaking oblivious.
Either he's a totally hard core bad-ass who barely even flinches when raiders try and rape him, which would indicate some prior experience with conflict and trauma which let him not freeze up and end up being victimized OR he's a complete fucking idiot who is use to living a totally pampered life where his every need is met and he gets away with walking all over people but you can't be both. You can't be a hard core killer and a incompetent moron at the same time just like you can't be a moron and a trusted military test pilot at the same time.
Has his mother been putting high doses of ritalin in his food all these years or something?
5082080
Okay, look. I'm going through some shit right now, and it's hard enough to keep focus without arguing my point and wondering if I should just unpublish the story and put it up again once I've sorted some of this out. The only thing that's stopping me is that it's one reader's opinion. If I had some consenting opinions from others, I'd be more inclined to seriously consider changing some of the things you have a problem with.
You make some good points. I acknowledge that, but there are things we disagree on, such as how much of an idiot/asshole Mach really is. Many of these things are explored later in the story, in sequences that explain bits of Mach's past and underline how much he's changed as a character from his foalhood, to the time the story starts, to the chapter during which the flashback(s) takes place. That being said, you seem to be holding me to a standard unreachable by someone of my experience and current lack of 'staff.'
Can't do it on my own, guy. As much as I'd love to. I tried that once and look where it got me--rewriting. Apparently I haven't quite gained as much experience as I needed, because we're still having problems.
5083263
Do what other writers do. Start a google doc, keep it hidden and invite the people you know you can trust to be editors on it. You can have a group of friends help you with it and if something goes horribly wrong, there is a feature where you can go back to a previous version.
Very few people write alone. Even Stephen King has a group of people he runs his work by and gets them to critique it before he releases it to the public.
5097780
The problem here is that the only group of people I have that could possibly help in this situation all defer to me. I use them as a sounding board all the time, but they have a difficult time actually helping me with the important stuff. I don't have anyone is my problem. I know very few people write alone. I know that. I just can't seem to find anyone with the knowledge and wherewithal to jump in and help.
5097807
Pop over to here: http://cloudsville.forumotion.com/f7-fan-fiction and start a thread. You'll find tons of people who want to help. I follow the [Grimdark] thread for Fallout: Project Horizons there. It's a good place to hook up with editors and writers. PM me for my gmail account for the docs if you want me. Always glad to help.
5097987
I would've thrown out a call to arms long ago if I wanted any old person willing to help. I want someone who's going to be invested in the story and legitimately wants to see it improve. Ideally someone already familiar with the story. There's a difference between offering one's knowledge and perspectives to be helpful and truly diving into the story alongside me to help guide it in a steady direction.
I'm also notoriously difficult to work with. Whoever decides to help has to be thick-skinned and extremely patient, and I've found that it's difficult to find people possessing both qualities.
I almost forgot! I try and spread the word about this program as often as I can. It's a free writing program that is just invaluable if you want to write fiction.
This is a link to a youtube video showing what it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI3zRTWyCGg
It's a writing program that lets you create chapters, and scenes within those chapters, you can create "character profiles" which detail the characters you'll be using and let you map out their personalities, hopes, dreams, appearances, and so forth.
There is a tool for saving profiles on special objects like if you were to be using the elements of harmony in your work you could create a profile for them detailing what they do, what they look like, how they work and so forth then then ever you use them in a chapter you can drag that profile to the chapter and have easy access to all your notes.
It lets you create outlines so you know where you are, where you are going in the story and helps you break the story down into scenes that serve specific purposes instead of just rambling. You can outline your entire book, the characters and so forth then create the chapters knowing where you are headed and what you need to do in each part.
Absolutely free and if you learn to use it your work will improve massively. Setting up all the characters, locations and objects lets you really flesh out the world and having those notes as easy reference also lets you be consistent. http://www.spacejock.com/yWriter5_Download.html
Disclaimer: I have never read the original version of Outlaw, nor do I have much of an idea where it's going.
Oh god this chapter was just a horrifying tour of misinformation for Mach. He's kind of got this aggressive-asshole core driving him to lose his temper. Poor guy's gonna have to learn to rein that in, and I wonder if it'll be when he finds out what he did to those foals, if he ever does. The one that cuddled up to his wing was fucking heartbreaking, and I hate you for it. My only consolation is that in a few days they'll all be freed by Littlepip, but still. Not much consolation. It's not even really Mach's fault, Railright duped him into it.
On a different note, I actually liked how Mach reacted to Reggie. It makes perfect sense that he'd be racist against griffons. Hell, it makes more sense than ponies still begrudging zebras. It's an irrational hatred carried by a violent temper (and holy jesus, Mach has a violent temper), but it does make logical sense.
Looking ahead, I just know that somewhere along the end of this story, Operation Cauterize is going to be involved. I just hope Mach has made himself some goddamn friends by then or else he's fucked six ways from Sunday.
Omg, I can't wait to read more! Keep it up bro.
5111395
Oh, he'll learn. Eventually. He'll remain blissfully unaware of what happened to the foals, though.
Funny you bring up the logic of holding a grudge against the zebras. I feel like it's not really much of a spoiler, so I'll say that Mach actually doesn't harbor any grudge toward them. Just those damn dirty catbirds.
Yep. Way near the end, though. He'll have plenty of friends by that time, and some of them aren't as likely as you'd think.
5121198
No... No, vise is the correct form here. Vise/vise-grip is the proper spelling for the tool. Unless of course you're British, in which case this entire thing is a cultural misunderstanding. We American butchers of the Queen's english use vise to denote the tool.
I'll consider that one.
Dashes vs commas is more a matter of preference in this particular circumstance. My (brand new!) editor prefers commas here but I'm more fond of dashes.
I think you misunderstood my intent with that sentence. By weathered, I meant to imply that the bottle had persisted through the harsh conditions of war, not that it had been scored and physically weathered by it. I will concede that it is a bit murky, and I've gone ahead and reworded it to clear that up.
5121199
5121378
Oh, you don't have to worry about that. These are the rewritten chapters. The old ones can only be found on Google docs.
Oh man, how did I miss that? I'll take care of it, thanks.
That might wear on you after a while. I'm... overly fond of cliffhangers. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying it so far, though!
5121661 oh, I know they're only visible there. My hesitation was more whether I should wait for the rewrite to finish, forge ahead or read the first edition and make that decision later. Reading it now though.
If anyone can post a chapter on anything with no errors whatsoever, they deserve a medal. Don't beat yourself up over that, it happens.
I dunno, I'm a sucker for a cliffhanger. These are pretty well done so unless you really mess one up you could keep with it for 60 chapters and I'd be fine.
now here's the real question: why won't it tell me you responded?! I switch viewing places and you respond; I can see it and I'm replying to it. No notification though.
5121638
I respectfully disagree. It's not really a matter of preference than it is being grammatically correct. From a grammatical perspective, em-dashes are used to indicate a sharp transition from one section of a sentence to the next. Commas are better used in this instance after the fact
Oh damn, I didn't think you were gonna bother with a comment. Dammit Bobulator, I told you not to say anything. Now I've got no choice but to get off my ass and start Frozen Skies. I just want to try and get a little more writing done first. I'm already over a month behind schedule.
You poor soul. I'm so sorry you had to see that.
Believe me, I'm very aware that what happened in that office was completely unprofessional. On top of that, he never requested permission to speak freely, so that whole scene requires a certain amount of suspension of disbelief.
God dammit, you're supposed to be on my side in this, Relentless. >.>
Yeah, they're coming back. A few times, actually. Let's just say that vengeful streak from the original draft is still there, and Mach will be receiving the dividends of their loathing for him.
I'll admit I could've handled the mission a bit better, but part of my goal was to seriously dial down the sue. Axing Mach cutting down an alicorn without any kind of problems seemed like the way to go. On top of that, I figured it made more sense to order Mach back to base given the fact that his father was already under suspicion for treason, and he himself was also under close scrutiny for the same. A hoof out of line to help wastelanders=guilty.
If you've read up to when I introduced Greaser, then you know exactly what kind of storytelling method I employ in that very same chapter. Those are quite frequent throughout the story funnily enough, I was a special snowflake in that regard until Bobulator and Memories came along, and are used to delve into Mach's past. They deepen relationships between his family and friends, and many many questions are answered through them. The journal doesn't even come into play until chapter 28.
It wasn't exactly an interrogation, though I definitely should've been more clear about it. There was no concrete evidence, and the Inquisitor didn't expect it to erupt into violence the way it did. His bodyguard was there only as a precaution, and admittedly as a way to make things more difficult for Mach. Mach's father's 'interrogation' was more like the scene from the prologue where Mysterious Pony #1 is trying to get Mach to confess of his own volition. I'll toy around with it and make it a little more clear.
You'll see more of those two in the aforementioned storytelling device. Plus, well... you've seen the cover. You must know Solara's coming back.
That was the name of the game for the rewrite. Make Mach less sue. Now I'm taking away all of the things he treasures and beating the shit out of him to show people that I mean business. I don't cotton to any sues in these here parts, and I was young and reckless when I wrote that first chapter.
Pfft, have you seen any of Adder's reviews? I can take constructive criticism, and I welcome it. I only wish I knew how to give it, but I'm not a very good reviewer. If you've seen any of my comments on TLS, they're all me singing Adder's praises. That's really all I know how to do, so that's probably what you'll be seeing when I mosey on over to Frozen Skies.
:D
Thanks for making time for a whiny angstcurd.
Are the rewrites finished?
5198420
Oh, no. No, not by a longshot. I just moved a couple weeks ago, and my mother just had surgery for a pinched nerve on Wednesday, so I'm a little behind on my writing currently. The next chapter is only at around ~3400 words at the moment.
5198538 okay I'll read the google doc version then.
*Opens link and sees the chapter list*
Ah! I see what you mean by not being not being done by a long shot.
Is there a one file epub/pdf/mobi of the unrevised version?
I've been using my ipad to read the googledoc version, but unfortunately i accidentally left it with family abroad and wont get it back any time soon.
I'd rather not go through the hassle of compiling and converting all the googledoc chapters, for use with my ereader, if i don't have to.
5366887
Yeah, actually. Talk to Veradon Chimera, he took it upon himself to put together a three-volume .PDF of the unrevised story, but I'm afraid I've lost the links.
Chapter 6 was good Tofu, sorry I took so long to read it. It feels really well done, lots of thought and effort put into it. Keep at it Tofu. I'll have more to say on chapter 7.
OK, it's not often that I see someone use the words "coach gun" in a fic, and I commend you for having class to name what a shotgun was originally called.
This is shaping up to be quite the story!
4934566 Sadly I knew something like that would happen.
Chain Link's name sounds oddly familiar...was he one of the Slavers that got waxed in the original fic?
Okay so Mach finaly has some medical treatment, has found ponies who don't want to kill him, even if they are needlessly confrontational, and has a chance to get his bearings, let's see what comes next.
Ah, I'm guessing Littlepip just arrived in town. Also, very nice wording there story. Pinkie Pie would approve.
And even that ache will be gone in no time after a few doses of Candi's 'special' medicine.
One of the lesser talked about issues with Pony medicine, all that fur getting in the way.
Damnit Mach. I get really wanting to get in the air again, but would you rather be able to fly at full power, or take a few half assed trips around and wreck your ability to fly permanently by over exerting still healing muscles? That said, yeah you need to work it out and get it used to being used again, and hasn't been down for TO long, so a few short flights shouldn't be to bad so long as you don't over do it.
Yup. Ohai Littlepip!
Unhygienic! Seriously Candi, with all the booze you pass around, do you at least wash that thing down with some alcohol between patients?
Yeah more then a little late for that Mach.... not a lot of necromancy at work down here. Though as irrational as that idea is, it was out of fear and guilt, and yeah wasn't something he had thought out so it does work well.
For absolutely no good reason at all. Beyond adding more conflict to the story when it really wasn't needed. (Yes still don't like that part and don't think it works.)
Ummm, aren't you forgetting some things? Like, your weapons and the rest of your equipment?
Oh shut up you fucking ass hole. (Yeah him being an utter ass hole is perfectly in character, just makes me loathe the useless sack of politician shit even more.)
Which would be Candi being the one getting paid, not you. Then again this bastard is just as likely to take the money and come up with some BS about how it's a tax or some such and screw Candi out of it.
You don't know the half of it Mach.
Please choose force, please... kick his sorry ass. Yeah not the smartest idea but, I just really want to see him get a good pummeling.
Again, seems like they know way more about it then they should, even with Calamity.
Though if I were feeling generous, could figure he made a few remarks now and then, and Railright is just piecing together what little he said, filling in the rest with bullshit, and just using it as an excuse to be an asshole. So it could work for him, just not if this is some widespread thing.
Not really. What use is gold to a place like this? It has no practical value or use. Steel could at least be smelted down and used to create useful tools.
Yeah, ya did kind of forget something Mach.
Again, Candi is the one who did all that and the one he owes for it, not Railright, unless he really is trying to screw Candi over.
Oh fuck you! Fuck you you scum sucking, shit talking, cowardly, Celestia damned, Luna forsaken, sack of crap! Luna rape your ass with moon rocks while Celestia gelds you with sunfire!
And you are an utter fucking moron. So, you want to get this done, and then hamstring the pony you are trying to make get this done by not letting them use the best equipment they already have?
So going with the Metroid Other M approach to things? Yeah cause that worked out SO well....
No way, it was WAY more then an hour. Littlepip and co were already well on the way back when they got ambushed by the slavers and cut the train free, and the fact they were so far from New Appleloosa was a major detail, given they didn't think the foals they had rescued would survive the trip to New Appleloosa across the Wastes and had to get a second train sent out to pick them up. It's at least a few hours long trip.
Okay this I'm not buying. Yes New Apploosa traded with the slavers, knowing full well they were slavers, but that was just them being practical, or so they liked to tell themselves. They weren't really helping them enslave ponies after all.... and I could certainly see Railright just outright being willing to help them do so while keeping it secret. But no way would they be sending a shipment of foals to them intentionally, and no way would Railright go that far, and be able to hide it.
Riiiight, also he knows Calamity would just as likely blow his head off for even suggestion he help what he knows are slavers.
Wait, he still had that? Didn't they take that as well as everything else? Why would they leave such an obvious pace of tech on him, but take some old set of flight goggles? It's not like this is a PipBuck that you can't just take off.
Versus 'king' sized, yet again, never thought about that before, and yet it makes perfect sense.
So not some do gooders trying to keep the foals from the slavers... rival faction trying to poach the old Appleloosan slaves? Or just a group working for them that wants more money and is holding off delivery till then?
Wait, were the foals bound and gagged, or just the escort? If the latter, okay might be some do gooders, since said 'escort' is one of the slavers.
Ding ding ding!
Luna damnit Mach... still reckless, impulsive, leap before thinking, yeah this is par for the course for him, now how long is it going to take him to learn how screwed that will get you down here?
And yes, do like that it's been toned down, makes more sense it shouldn't be easy to pair down a PipBuck into something like that without losing far more features.
Make with the killing as an example to do gooders trying to save foals from being enslaved?
These foals seem awful calm and oblivious given what's been going on, how the hell did they get captured in the first place that they are being this chipper?
Hmmm, Earth Pony, or pegasus with military training, which would be better pulling, which better shooting?
Though if the cart is small enough, Mach could just fly with it couldn't he? Then again might strain his wing a bit to much.
Awww, poor little filly, knowing what's going on.. I really like her. Still curious how she ended up captured by slavers in a way that isn't leaving her traumatized and scared, but still. But on the plus side Mach's screw up isn't going to effect the foals TO badly, since they will only be there for a day or two before Littlepip breaks them free for real.
Also, she is keeping her Hoofsies to herself, she's nuzzling your wings.
So they are shooting at the cart full of the foals they are trying to save? I can get trying to take down Chain Link, but you'd think they would make sure to get clear shots in at him.
How does that make any sense? "I learned to compensate for something the weapons I used did not have."
Well crap, when/will Mach learn he just killed some ponies only trying to protect their foals from slavers?
Damnit mach.. you mean well, but you are an IDIOT! Just be glad there WILL be a hero coming along to save these foals... several times in a row at that.
Alright story, playing up the "He just condemned foals to slavery without realizing it and thinking he was doing a good thing" thing a little to hard. Just a little. I think that nail is as embedded as it's going to get, you can stop hammering on it.
So, Mach isn't trailing along behind Littlepip, he's out in front showing up ahead of her and then leaving her to clean up his mess? Though yeah guessing that won't last TO long.
Celestia fucking damnit Mach, do you WANT to make things as difficult as possible?
Gee, who could have seen that coming? Gawd didn't take kindly to him showing up I take it.
Ummm, technically YOU work for Deadeyes... no wait, she works directly for mister Topaz, Deadeyes is just the intermediary. But, going after him for thinking he's one of Deadeyes' spies or something, rather then the whole Enclave thing, that works. Even if Gawd is one of the few I'd actually buy having those sentiments this early.
Damnit Mach. NOW IS NOT THE TIME! Then again given this is Gawd, she'd likely be more receptive to believing him acting like this rather then try to sweet talk his way past her.
AH so that isn't Gawd holding him down..... Reggie?
Okay, and makes more sense, Gawd would likely be a bit calmer about dealing with things, but we didn't see what started it so could have been justified.
Like that....... I need to start a "Mach doesn't want to live" counter for all the stupid shit he says and does that will do nothing but bring him pain and he should know that.
YA THINK!
And he does not even see the issues with that line of thought. "They were the enemy ever since we launched an unprovoked attack on them and made them our enemy for no reason beyond greed and idiocy."
Nice bit of detail there. Again SO love things like this, and the "princess sized bed" that show how much you are thinking things through, trying to make sure this really fits into the established setting.. just.. love it so damn much. And makes stuff I don't quite agree with, like the anti-pegasus stuff, not as big a deal cause I can see how you are trying and, just have a different take. Still yes little details like this DO matter and do make the story work so much better.
You really need to learn when to shut up Mach.
"There is no such thing as overkill. There is only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload'."
And she could likely grab you leg before it got out of range and slam you into the ground, or simply take off after you if you tried.
Sending him on a scouting mission? he really is forging right ahead of Littlepip isn't he?
I'd say she's bluffing, cause why the hell would she ever contact the Enclave, or even know how to do it. So yeah... granted this is mach so he's not likely to call it as a bluff.
Hmmm, okay not what I thought. This should be interesting. Okay okay, random ass guess, he goes out looking for the stable, and ends up doing so, and going through the stable itself, for so long he comes back just after Littlepip has come in, torn shit up and left.
Overall, nice chapter, Mach is trying to settle in, find his place. He still wants to do good, to help out if he can. But isn't to idealistic about it. Just, he'd prefer to do things he can feel good about doing, but will take other jobs if he has to. Railright, yeah he is even more of a detestable piece of shit then he already was. Kind of wish we had gotten another bit between Mach and Calamity, just to set him straight a bit, cause he needs it. He means well, but is still an impulsive idiot. Granted Calamity isn't that far behind him in that regards.
The whole helping to send foals into slavery, yeah it's bad but, he thought he was helping, plus it's not that bad given, as noted, Littlepip will be freeing them in a day or two anyway. Wait, okay be more then that, but still within a week. plus they'll have Velvet looking after them there.
So yeah now Mach's wasteland adventure really starts and, can't wait to see where it take him.
Well I think it's safe to say we can thank Gawd that the griffons didn't tear him to shreds.