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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Finally got around to read your story.
- the chapters are rather short. This is nothing bad, since ever single chapter has its own point but it's still a bit... exhausting to read.
- for Deathpony's spacing-issue: you should do a new paragraph/a space line whenever you indent a sentence with your TAB key. E.g.: when a dialogue's speaker changes. The wall of text the readers face once they click one of your chapters might scare them away.
- the story is pretty fast forward, with no annoying sub-plots.
- One of the bigger issues I have: Slashwings doesn't really act like a pegasus. He doesn't really use his wings in any way, he could be an earth pony and almost nothing would change. Think about letting him fly a bit more in the future. He's an airborne after all.
- I think you misspell Trottingham, it's like Nottingham without an "e" at the end. There're also a few mistakes in capitalisation, names should always be capitalized.
I have to admit, I don't understand the branding system. What exactly is this branding and why could Slashy tear it of in log10? That's not how branding works. Care to explain?
There's a [min] in log11, what does that mean?
Btw.: I would find it more appropriate if the "Dragon's Guide to Wasteland Cooking" would be featuring Big Guns or Explosives. That would be a bit more Fallout-like.
That's not a bad story, the only thing that might look bad is its wall-of-textiness. Well and the rather short chapters. Not everyone likes that.
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Thanks for the feed back I'll be happy to answer your questions
First up though I would like to say you have possibly unintentionally brought up several plot points later in the story but I'll do my best to explain
If I haven't explained it well it's my own fault but slashwing has never learned how to fly and only has wings though a family gen and on top parents are both unicorns who raised him as a earth pony (this also leads into his attraction to Nightlight) however this will change with Torchlight reaching out to teach him as hinted at the end of the latest log (as of writing this)
now the branding is a form of insignia to state who a pony fights for this (at least for my story) be anything that when enough ponies wear it be indemnified as a faction an example is the trottingham rangers use of leather in their armour another example is Boomageton and her metal armour it's the branding of the C44 demos (raiders) in the case of Nightlight the raiders she was forced to fight for where basically wearing badly put together armour that easily fell apart letting slashwing tear it off with out much trouble
now the [min] is simply short for minutes since the story is told like a set of logs sometimes it's fast forwarded (by me) during periods of nothing happening such as sleeping or waiting during that log a large amount of time past but not hours of a day so I added that in thinking I was begin smart (seem I failed XD)
Now the books "Dragon's guild to wastland cooking" Dragon as a character will actually appear as a character later on and the book itself helps with a plot point I dont want to spoil here but is pretty clear from comments slashwing makes
Also I would like to add that listen to the radio a bit during this story a massive sub plot is going on there
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Okay, thanks for the explanations.
I just thought the brandings were like cutie marks/the Dashite marks, an actual branding. But now yours make sense.