Don't take to much offense to this review, but, I didn't particularly enjoy this chapter.
Surprisingly, the problem I had with this chapter was the narration, it was actually pretty lacking in this chapter.
The subject of Updraft having the use of magic was not mentioned in this chapter.
This isn't really a problem, but, the role you have for Finder seems to be the behind-the-scenes guy, or the ninja figure. This is weird, because Finder is an Earth pony, and the race that would better fit this role is Pegasus, or even a Zebra. There better be some pretty good backstory behind this, or I'll be sorely disappointed.
And I want to say something about Smiles.
Yet another character that you better have a good backstory for. Because if you're not careful, you're treading on Mary Sue on all of your characters so far and, to be honest, if you can't handle and diffuse this bomb correctly...
This story will blow up in your face.
Don't disappoint me.
Now for the more Technical aspects of this story
crying while sitting
The 'while' is not needed. Makes the sentence seem like a run-on sentence. take it out or replace with a comma.
if I was alive before the war ponies would be terrified of me.
There need to be a comma after war, this grammar error actually took me out of the story.
Past this point, the story itself and grammar and yada yada is fine.
I like the character interactions between Finder and Updraft. It's smooth, and I can see the friendship building going on.
The scene with the raiders and looting them could've used a bit more description, but other than that it wasn't bad.
Also, from now on, in narration don't start sentences with and or but, these words join 2 sentences, not start ones. In dialogue, it's fine.
4562768 Though Finder is an earth pony turned cat-earth pony, so he can reasonably be explained as a ninja-type character. Part cat and all.
I agree that there are the ingredients for a story implosion, and considering the supply cache they can't possibly take with them... They need to find a safe-house NOT filled with corpses for the long run. Short term is finding the vault password and locking it up. They can't take it all with them to the death city, especially if they plan to bring back all those pipbucks.
Most towns have a bank, though, so when they combine it with a pipbuck map it'd be plausible to make a stash. On the other hand the raider leader could just detonate the building and that's that.
4562768 Wow a little harsh, but deserved and I'm grateful for every word I'll admit the narration was certainly lacking for this chapter, and that's mostly because... well I didn't really like this chapter too much. I mean I love Fallout Equestria, but the excessive gore and foul language of raiders is something I don't really care for. It took me awhile to write this one because a lot of the things in here I really didn't want to write. However it's important for this chapter to be in the story. Updraft left her hometown less than a week before, and has almost no experience with what the wasteland is actually like. While Desert Springs is no Tenpony Tower, the town has yet to face any serious trouble. So basically imagine what it would be like for a Tenpony citizen to be suddenly forced into the wasteland; I'm just trying to get here acquainted with the "locals". (As well as mature her to the level the wasteland demands) Heh just you wait, her magic is going to be very deeply explored in later chapters. Also in the next chapter it's going to be talked about a lot as well, I was just waiting for the opportunity, and it didn't seem fitting to talk about it while they were stealing from a raider fort... As for backstories, don't worry Finder's past will be talked about in detail in the next few chapters, as well as Updraft's. Smiles however, is going to drop below the radar for quite awhile (At the soonest the next story arc) so I'm afraid you won't get to know much about hr for awhile. However I already have her character written out, and I can promise you she's much less of a Mary Sue than she seems. I'm intentionally making appear that way in order for her to leave an impression on Updraft.
crying while sitting
You have no idea how many times I wrote and re-wrote that sentence, and I just can't seem to make it flow right But even if I change it to this:
That was until one morning when I woke up early to check the town, I heard a little filly crying, sitting on a rock just as the sun started to rise.
It's better, but it still seems too long and it doesn't feel comfortable to read... I think I've settled on writing it like this:
That was until one morning when I woke up early to check the town. I heard a little filly crying, sitting on a rock just as the sun started to rise.
I think that one works well... thoughts? As for any lack of description in the narration, I defer to my answer for the other narration problems.
Also, from now on, in narration don't start sentences with and or but, these words join 2 sentences, not start ones.
Really? I was taught by my English teacher that it's okay to start sentences like that if your narration is in first person, because it's more of an inner monologue rather than an attempt to explain something. Difference in teachings, or am I missing something? As always I appreciate your feedback, it really helps since I don't have a proofreader. I'll try to get the next chapter out soon!
ahahaha! YES. It's out! I'll read and review this chapter soon. I'm fired up, honestly.
4551224 Can't wait! I love your reviews
Don't take to much offense to this review, but, I didn't particularly enjoy this chapter.
Surprisingly, the problem I had with this chapter was the narration, it was actually pretty lacking in this chapter.
The subject of Updraft having the use of magic was not mentioned in this chapter.
This isn't really a problem, but, the role you have for Finder seems to be the behind-the-scenes guy, or the ninja figure. This is weird, because Finder is an Earth pony, and the race that would better fit this role is Pegasus, or even a Zebra. There better be some pretty good backstory behind this, or I'll be sorely disappointed.
And I want to say something about Smiles.
Yet another character that you better have a good backstory for. Because if you're not careful, you're treading on Mary Sue on all of your characters so far and, to be honest, if you can't handle and diffuse this bomb correctly...
This story will blow up in your face.
Don't disappoint me.
Now for the more Technical aspects of this story
The 'while' is not needed. Makes the sentence seem like a run-on sentence. take it out or replace with a comma.
There need to be a comma after war, this grammar error actually took me out of the story.
Past this point, the story itself and grammar and yada yada is fine.
I like the character interactions between Finder and Updraft. It's smooth, and I can see the friendship building going on.
The scene with the raiders and looting them could've used a bit more description, but other than that it wasn't bad.
Also, from now on, in narration don't start sentences with and or but, these words join 2 sentences, not start ones. In dialogue, it's fine.
4562768
Though Finder is an earth pony turned cat-earth pony, so he can reasonably be explained as a ninja-type character. Part cat and all.
I agree that there are the ingredients for a story implosion, and considering the supply cache they can't possibly take with them... They need to find a safe-house NOT filled with corpses for the long run. Short term is finding the vault password and locking it up. They can't take it all with them to the death city, especially if they plan to bring back all those pipbucks.
Most towns have a bank, though, so when they combine it with a pipbuck map it'd be plausible to make a stash. On the other hand the raider leader could just detonate the building and that's that.
4562768 Wow a little harsh, but deserved and I'm grateful for every word
I'll admit the narration was certainly lacking for this chapter, and that's mostly because... well I didn't really like this chapter too much. I mean I love Fallout Equestria, but the excessive gore and foul language of raiders is something I don't really care for. It took me awhile to write this one because a lot of the things in here I really didn't want to write. However it's important for this chapter to be in the story. Updraft left her hometown less than a week before, and has almost no experience with what the wasteland is actually like. While Desert Springs is no Tenpony Tower, the town has yet to face any serious trouble. So basically imagine what it would be like for a Tenpony citizen to be suddenly forced into the wasteland; I'm just trying to get here acquainted with the "locals". (As well as mature her to the level the wasteland demands)
Heh just you wait, her magic is going to be very deeply explored in later chapters. Also in the next chapter it's going to be talked about a lot as well, I was just waiting for the opportunity, and it didn't seem fitting to talk about it while they were stealing from a raider fort...
As for backstories, don't worry Finder's past will be talked about in detail in the next few chapters, as well as Updraft's. Smiles however, is going to drop below the radar for quite awhile (At the soonest the next story arc) so I'm afraid you won't get to know much about hr for awhile. However I already have her character written out, and I can promise you she's much less of a Mary Sue than she seems. I'm intentionally making appear that way in order for her to leave an impression on Updraft.
You have no idea how many times I wrote and re-wrote that sentence, and I just can't seem to make it flow right But even if I change it to this:
It's better, but it still seems too long and it doesn't feel comfortable to read... I think I've settled on writing it like this:
I think that one works well... thoughts?
As for any lack of description in the narration, I defer to my answer for the other narration problems.
Really? I was taught by my English teacher that it's okay to start sentences like that if your narration is in first person, because it's more of an inner monologue rather than an attempt to explain something. Difference in teachings, or am I missing something?
As always I appreciate your feedback, it really helps since I don't have a proofreader. I'll try to get the next chapter out soon!
Haven't read anything yet, just faving so my notifications are flooded with updates for this to remind me to read it.