Solitude ran through the harsh desert wasteland.
As he ran, he kept his eyes peeled and his ears focused, for any signs that his recently encountered group was still following him.
Spotting the remains of what must have been a small house nearby, Solitude began to alter his course to face it, as it would hopefully be abandoned, and would give him time to rest, and recover his thoughts.
Assuming the door would be locked, he put on a burst of speed and leapt up the stairs on the front porch. His shoulder collided heavily with the door which, to his immense surprise, was unlocked. Momentum carried him forward as the door sprang open and sent him tumbling into the room beyond. He came to a stop as he hit the far wall in a clattering jumble of hooves and legs.
‘No time to be laying around,’ he thought.
Grunting, Solitude pulled himself up, and quickly took in his surroundings. The faint light of the moon filtered in through grimy windows, revealing a living room that, while very run down, was not as barren as he had thought it might be.
There was a lone staircase on the right side of the room, which seemed only a tiny bit damaged, with the railing gone. Walking over to it, Solitude pressed a hoof gently down on the first step, which in response gave a loud creak, which echoed throughout the house.
And provoked a dull thud from upstairs.
Solitude removed his hoof from the first step very carefully, as not to set off another creak again. With his horn, he levitated two small daggers from a pouch in his left saddlebag, and hovered them in front of him.
Tapping the side of the wall with the hilt of one of the daggers in quick succession, he set off a couple more echoes throughout the house.
The thud returned again, but this time, it was followed by what sounded like something moving around upstairs.
Solitude waited at the bottom of the staircase, both daggers hovering in the air. He waited for a good couple of minutes, before he saw a small figure wonder out onto the top of the stairs, and with it came... a gun?
Yes, a gun, being held in levitation.
A gun that was being aimed directly at the face of Solitude.
The unicorn seemed to be observing Solitude, the way it just stood there.
‘Well, aren’t you going to tell me why you are in my house?’ Asked the unicorn, the voice obviously belonging to a mare.
‘Uh, your house?’ Solitude began ‘I am terribly sorry, I didn’t know this was your house, um, is it possible that I can leave without being shot?’
‘Only if you stop pointing those two daggers at my face.’
Turning around Solitude noticed that he hadn’t let go of the two daggers that were now hovering ominously in the middle of the staircase.
‘Oops, my bad let me get that.’ Solitude said as he floated them back into their respectable pouches.
As Solitude began to walk towards the door, he heard shouting from outside, originating from multiple different voices.
‘Oh. Shit.’ Solitude said as he began to back away from the door.
The mare had also taken notice of what was going on outside, and began to listen in, trying to understand what they were saying.
‘Hey, look, I know I just got here, and the last thing you want is somepony else in your house, but you have to trust me, when I say that it will take both of us to hold off these guys.’
The mare shot Solitude a look, before it finally dawned on her that she might actually needed this stallion’s help.
‘Ok, fine, but you stay in front. You brought them here, you should definitely be the one they take one down first.’
Solitude opened his mouth to argue, but was cut off, by the door being violently kicked open, and being entered by 3 earth ponies. Almost immediately, they saw him, and looked to start shooting, but were cut off when a loud bang echoed throughout the room, and one of the ponies fell to the floor in a crumpled heap, with the top of the head missing.
The now duo of earth ponies looked up to where the shot had come from, only to see a unicorn aiming a scope less rifle at them.
Another bang followed, and yet again another pony fell to the floor, this time he stayed alive a few mere seconds, in which he tried to cover up the bullet hole wound on his neck.
At this point, Solitude saw his opportunity to shine, pulled out his two daggers, and drove them both into the chest of the third pony, he let out a muffled scream, before Solitude pulled the daggers out and launched them both into an individual eye socket, killing the pony instantly, and leaving him to fall to the ground. Pulling the knives out of the pony and wiping them clean on the deceased; he looked over at the mare, whom was staring at him with a small smile on her face.
‘That wasn’t so hard.’ She said with a smile.
‘Oh, don’t worry, we aren’t done yet, I saw at least 10 chasing me when I left the camp.’
The mare’s smile dropped at the sound of that.
‘Oh, right, well, if that’s all, I reckon we should head upstairs. It gives a better vantage point.’
***
A few minutes had passed since then, and 4 ponies lay dead outside, one on the stairwell, and one was still alive, attempting to crawl away, but doing so required a massive amount of effort, as both of his back legs had been blown off.
The mare and Solitude walked towards the injured pony. Not wanting to waste any ammo on the defenseless pony, Solitude pulled out his two knives again, and positioned them above the pony’s head. One went into the back of his neck, and he barely managed a scream before the other buried itself in his head, leaving him limp to fall to the ground.
Solitude looked around at the scene that lay before him, smiling at what he had done. Taking in a deep breath he turned to the mare.
‘So, now that that’s dealt with, may I ask you your name?’
The mare simply smiled in response before replying. ‘It’s Bright Rose, and yours is?’
‘Solitude, nice to meet you.’
‘And you too, and I must thank you for your help, raiders have always been a pest around here, and I will always be thankful to those who help clear them out.’
Pulling the two knives out of the lifeless pony, Solitude looked back at the smiling mare.
'I never said they were raiders ma'am'
As Solitude began to walk away, Bright Rose stood there, shocked at the sudden realisation of it all.
'Y..you're a bandit!?' She spluttered out, staring at him.
Turning around, Solitude fixed her with a glare. 'No ma'am Bandits kill innocent ponies and then steal what they can from them. I merely took what I needed, and they just so happened to make the mistake of following me, so I, well we, killed them'
Bright Rose just stood there, not able to comprehend his logic.
Solitude gave a small chuckle as he began to walk away.
'Thanks for the help by the way, didn't take you for a killer at first, but, hey, everypony has their secrets.'
love ittt
Hello! I'd recommend adding this story to the Fallout: Equestria group, the Fallout: Equestria Related Fics group, and maybe Fallout: Equestria World if you want some more views. I almost didn't see this.
A good start. However I feel your writing style needs some work (which is the entire point of a fic, to practice). So far it tells the story, but needs to show the story. You spend time describing what happens from moment to moment when the reader should follow it as it moves along.
For example:
"Reaching the house, he put a jump in his final step before reaching the house, as a force to break down the door, as he naturally assumed it would be locked in some way."
This feels a little backwards and thus distracts us from the action. Turning it around would give us a flow from the characters thoughts, to the decision, and finally to the action.
"Fortunately for him, it merely swung open, unfortunately for him, he had put an excessive amount of speed and energy into this jump, and as a result went tumbling through the room that lay ahead of the door. Eventually he came to an abrupt stop, which was caused by him hitting a wall."
You already mentioned him putting on more speed and strength. Instead of reminding us, this sentence should reveal the consequences of his actions. The Fortunately/Unfortunately is actually quite a distraction from revealing the actions. Also, wouldn't the impact be something unfortunate because the door pops open and sends him into a tumble?
"Grunting, Solitude pulled himself up, and began to observe his surroundings.
The place hadn’t been ransacked, which was actually very surprising in Solitudes eyes, nowadays; places like this were almost non-existent."
Again, this sounds a little awkward. If he's in as much danger as we are to believe, he wouldn't stand around observing his surroundings. He'd look around real quick, his survivors instincts taking in all the important details. Speaking of details, this would be a good time to showcase your scene-setting skills. He can see the inside. What's lighting it? It's not ransacked. Does this mean it's clean, or simply tidy? The brain works faster than the eye, so while Solitude is in a hurry, his mind will process the visual information, giving you a moment to describe the room. You might even be able to insert a few of his stray thoughts on the situation, which would give us an idea of his attitude before he even speaks to another character.
I did a quick rewrite to give you an example of what I mean:
"Assuming the door would be locked, he put on a burst of speed and leapt up the stairs on the front porch. His shoulder collided heavily with the door which, to his immense surprise, was unlocked. Momentum carried him forward as the door sprang open and sent him tumbling into the room beyond. He came to a stop as he hit the far wall in a clattering jumble of hooves and legs.
‘No time to be laying around,’ he thought.
Grunting, Solitude pulled himself up, and quickly took in his surroundings. The light of the moon filtered in through grimy windows, revealing a living room that, while very run down, was not as barren as he had thought it might be."
My final bit would be that his reveal at the end is a bit too heavy on the exposition. He should be nonchalant about it; "I never said they were raiders, ma'am." This takes both Bright Rose and the readers by surprise and makes them wonder what's actually going on before revealing the truth. Have a moment of silence before Bright Rose asks the question the readers want to hear. Show the shock on her face while Solitude calmly sheathes his daggers. Then reveal the fact that he's actually a thief.
Keep working and I think you might just have a hit on your hands here. Good luck.
-Sparkus
P.S. Solitude (from this quick introduction) seems to be the polite and cultured kind of villain. For a good example, check out John Henry Hunter over at the comic 'The Next Town Over.' In this recent comic he's snuck aboard a moving train, but the conductor is a suspicious fellow, see how Hunter deals with the situation.
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Thanks for that. Will have another look over it and edit some bits.
good so far