• Published 24th Dec 2013
  • 1,602 Views, 14 Comments

Fallout Equestria: Tale of Two - Livingdeath



Follow Ghost and Noria, two wandering mercs, and they travel through the wasteland.

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Chapter 1: The Job

Chapter 1: The Job

Why did I take the job? It's a simple answer, because of you.

Ghost was sitting alone at his table, taking small sips of his whiskey while he waited for his employer. He had been waiting for nearly an hour, and was about to leave out of spite, when suddenly he was approached by a stallion carrying a sack. Ghost gave a small smile at the sight, "Well, he's not one for punctuality." The stallion sat at his table and began looking around to make sure that no one was watching them. Once he'd finished, he looked over to Ghost.

"So, I was told that you had a problem that you needed taken care of," he asked the stallion. He nodded and provided a better view of his sack of bottle caps, and Ghost allowed the stallion to continue.

"Lately we've been having trouble with raiders near our farm, and I was told that you specialize in jobs like these." Ghost nodded.

"Well then you heard correctly. When it comes to dispatching raiders and other such scum, no other merc can match up to my skills." The stallion gave a hopeful smile and a nod.

"Thank the goddess! I was worried that you wouldn't accept given the terms." Ghost shook his head.

"Always happy to help out a family in need, provided my minimum fee is met." The stallion nodded and opened the sack so Ghost could count the caps inside. He noticed something and looked up to the stallion.

"This is almost twice as much as our agreed fee." The stallion gave a small nod.

"I wouldn't feel right sending you alone against overwhelming odds, no matter your track record of dealing with such jobs, so I hired another merc to help you out." Ghost's eyes widened a bit upon hearing this. He was about to speak against it when the stallion turned around and looked over to the saloon doors.

"Ah, here she comes now." Ghost looked over to see a rather beautiful earth pony mare enter the saloon. She looked to be in her early twenties with a yellow coat and a brown mane.

"Who is she?" The stallion looked back at him.

"Her name is Noria." Ghost gave a small sigh, he hadn't had the best of luck when it came to partners.

She approached their table and pulled up a chair next to Ghost. She looked over to him and gave a small friendly smile, while Ghost simply looked away from her. He would have normally objected to the conditions of the job, but he could see that this stallion's family clearly needed help, so he kept his mouth shout, hoping that this job would be over with soon.

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Once the stallion had supplied them with a location that he had best figured for the raider's whereabouts, Ghost and the Noria began to head out, stocking up on supplies such as food, water, ammo, and healing potions. Once they had sufficient supplies, they headed out, Ghost not even bothering to speak to Noria. She however, wanted to talk with her partner, so she initiated conversation.

"So, who'd you piss off to get that scar?" Ghost just stopped dead in his tracks and glared back at her.

"Alright listen up kid, you don't know me, I don't know you, and quite frankly I don't like the idea of you tagging along with me either, so shut up and focus on the job rather than idle chatter." He realized how harsh he must have sounded and sighed.

"Look, sorry for going off like that, but you have to earn the right to ask me those kind of questions." Noria nodded and they continued their journey. "Sorry I asked," she thought to herself.

They continued their trek when Ghost looked to the north and saw some very distinctive, very specific ruins. He looked back to Noria.

"We're nearly there, so get ready." Noria nodded and reached into her saddlebag, and pulled out a ten millimeter SMG, her tongue on the trigger. Ghost nodded to her and levitated out his weapons of choice, silenced .45 auto pistols. As they neared closer to the raider refuge, they began hearing whooping, hollering, and... other noises. Noria nearly wound up walking in on several otherwise occupied raiders, but Ghost managed to grab and pull her back before silently killing every last one of them, some dying in more dignified positions than others.

"Be careful," he growled at her. "I don't think I have to tell you what they'll do if they catch us." Noria shook her head and attempted to speak.

"What was that? I can't understand you with that gun in your mouth." Noria quickly set her weapon down and relayed what she had been trying to say.

"I said that I've dealt with guys like these before, so no, I don't," she said before retrieving her weapon and walking off.

"Well alrighty then," Ghost said to himself before catching back up to her. They mainly stuck to the shadows and used silence and silently killed small groups at a time, not wanting to start any unnecessary firefights if they could help it, and so far it had been working quite nicely. As they were walking past an old terminal that still gave off a faint, sickly glow, Noria got a small twinkle in her eyes and dashed over to said terminal and began typing away. Ghost sighed to himself and walked over to the young mare.

"Noria, what the hell are you doing?" She simply looked back at him.

"What's it look like I'm doing? I'm hacking this terminal." Ghost refused the urge to face hoof .

"Yes, but why are you hacking that terminal?" She stopped hacking for a second time and turned over to face him.

"I'm curios about what I can learn from still functional terminals and salvageable records, so I keep an eye out for said items so I can learn a bit about the history of wherever I happen to be. It's a bit of a hobby really." Ghost sighed.

"More like an obsession if you ask me." She glared back at him.

"Hey, I don't tell you how to live your life." Ghost simply glared back.

"That's because we've only known each other for three hours!" Her eyes never left him.

"Yet here you are," she said with a smug look. Ghost just rolled his eyes.

"Whatever, just be quick about it." She let out a sound that could only be described as a squee as she turned around and resumed hacking the terminal. Once she had finally cracked the encryption, she began to read what information remained on the terminal. After a few minutes, she sat back a bit in her seat and her expression was one of sadness. Ghost, unsure of what had caused her sudden change of mood walked over and began to read the entry that she had just finished.

"We're running out of supplies, and we haven't been able to make contact with anyone. My wife and youngest are sick, probably dying, and here I am typing away at this fucking terminal. What the hell kind of stallion am I? Why didn't I accept the offer from Stable-tec? I was too much of a fool I guess, and now I can only watch helplessly as my family slowly dies, and I have no one to blame but myself."

Once he had finished reading the entry, he turned and noticed a pile of skeletons. There were five in total, three small ones, and two larger ones, all cradled together in a final embrace. He looked over to Noria and held out a hoof to her.

"Come on, let's get out of here." She nodded and accepted his hoof, and they continued on with their mission. They employed their previous tactics, and went back to silently stalking and murdering their prey. Noria had been forced to use her hooves to start snapping necks, while Ghost switched to his knife to conserve ammo. Over time, they found themselves in a rather cramped building, and as they were making their way through, Noria took off on her own to search for any lone raiders to kill.

Suddenly she was tackled to the ground by a rather strong raider with a pale yellow coat and a red spiked mane. He looked at her with an evil grin.

"Oh, looks like I've found myself a new toy! How exciting!" His hoof began to trace down her body as he continued to stare down at her with those evil eyes. Just when it looked like she was going to be forced to be his "toy", Ghost appeared and tackled the raider to the ground. He proceeded to nearly beat him to death before taking out his knife and gutting him. Once he had finished, he began to wipe his blade off on his duster.

"Fucking psycho," he said to himself. Noria was still shaking when she stood back up and looked over to the dead raider, and then over to Ghost.

"This is why I choose to work alone," he said before walking off, with Noria following closely behind, not wanting to risk getting jumped again. Eventually they worked their way throughout the entirety of the ruins, killing any raider that they came across, until they were certain that there weren't any left. Ghost looked over to Noria and nodded.

"You know, you ain't so bad for a-" He was cut off before he could finish his sentence when a bullet tore through his right foreleg and he collapsed to the ground. Noria gasped in horror as he fell to the ground, when she suddenly heard laughing. She turned to see four raiders approaching them, one had a still smoking gun, one had a spiked baseball bat, one had brass hooves, and the final one had a knife.

"Well, look what we have here. A couple of exterminators!" Noria looked at Ghost and then back to the raiders, her expression remaining the same.

"What, you fuckers think you can just come in here and kill every last one of us? Well heads up assholes, you missed a few!" The raider raised his weapon to Ghost, but before he could fire, Noria pulled out her SMG and mowed every last one of them down.

Once she as certain that they were all dead, she rushed over to Ghost's side and helped him up. She quickly retrieved a potion from her saddlebag and held it up to his mouth. He drained the container of its contents quite quickly and felt it working its magic almost immediately. Within a matter of moments he was walking on his own again, and he looked over to Noria.

"Thanks kid, I owe you one." She simply smirked as she started walking.

"Damn right you do," she said as she walked past him. He simply smiled to himself.

"I'm starting to like this one."

Comments ( 14 )

hmmm not bad a little to short on the meet and the way to the raider camp but still good

3674990
Yeah, I know. This chapter was more for introducing the characters than anything. Every other chapter from here on out will be much longer, I guarantee it.

Hi again! I saw you asking for feedback. Here is mine.

Strong Points:
Few grammatical errors; most are technical and not glaring or jarring.
Characterization: Noria
Characterization: Gun-bandit (pleasant surprise, from how limited his screen time was)
Character interaction: Ghost & Noria (although there are cheesy moments, as well)


Weak Points:
Example of a somewhat cheesy/cliche interaction between Ghost and Noria:

"Thanks kid, I owe you one." She simply smirked as she started walking.

"Damn right you do," she said as she walked past him. He simply smiled to himself.

"I'm starting to like this one."

All of this is overused, and stereotypical of every Western I've read or watched.

The raider raised his weapon to Ghost, but before he could fire, Noria pulled out her SMG and mowed every last one of them down.

This part of the scene is too easy, way too abrupt, and generally rushed. I'm also not sure this would actually work. These raiders would have to be awfully inexperienced to all get killed that quickly and easily. You may wish to consider extending this scene. This would also provide more time for bouncing the protagonists off each other.

I'm also certain that in the time it takes to say what gun-bandit had to say, Noria could've decapitated him with gunshots. Maybe have this piece of dialogue happen in the aforementioned extended scene, during a lull where one side or the other has been forced to take cover. It may be necessary to re-arm the four raiders with low-quality firearms rather than melee weapons to make this happen.

As they were walking past an old terminal that still gave off a faint, sickly glow, Noria got a small twinkle in her eyes and dashed over to said terminal and began typing away.

This is a good example of awkward or run-on sentence structures. It would be a good idea to break some of these into shorter sentences, or change the structure or wording. This issue is fairly pervasive.

Point-of-view issues: For much of the story thus far, we're seeing things from Ghost's POV, and occasionally getting glimpses into what he's thinking. However, this occasionally slips into what Noria is thinking instead (e.g. ""Sorry I asked," she thought to herself"). You might consider revising to show everything through Ghost's lens alone. Or Noria's. Or both all the time, which is really difficult to pull off in this kind of setting.

Ghost's characterization is a bit vague, and somewhat cliche. He feels like a stereotypical "wannabe-badass mercenary" type and could use better development.

Nitpicking:
Overuse of the word "job" in the opening scene; consider alternative word choices.

Some paragraphs that should be indented are not indented. "She approached their table" and "Once she as certain that they were all dead" - also, the second example contains a typo.

For the Future:
I'm very curious to see what happens between Ghost and Noria as "business" partners, since while the job is pretty much done, they seem intended as part of the same team for at least a while into the story. I'm curious about their future interaction, their different approaches to combat, and their differing skill sets.

Personal feeling: I like it.

I think that's all for now. :twilightsmile:

3678186
Thanks for the feedback, and thanks for pointing out some of the errors I made, it'll help me a lot in the future.

3678199
You're welcome! I wish I were better at elaborating on the strong points. I need to pick that skill back up. :twilightsheepish:

3678202
Perhaps, but the fact that you pointed out everything wrong with my fic will help me to improve it in the future, which is the whole reason I asked for feedback in the first place, so thank you once again.

I like it. This is the first fallout equestrian fix ive bothered to read.
:trollestia:

3678416
Any negatives or positives that you'd like to point out?

Could have used more description.

3678462
Ah yes, I already plan to incorporate better use of description in the future.

3678202
Crap, I also forgot to mention that I left Ghost a bit vague on purpose. His is a story that will slowly but eventually be revealed in the fic. Like I said, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I somehow forgot.

Really good so far

3683105
Thank you for the compliment, I intend for it to only improve as it goes along.

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