'"They were bad ponies, they would followed us, hurt us. I killed them so they didn’t hurt us or anyone else”'
Could be...
'They were bad ponies, if I had let them go they would have followed us and killed us while we slept. I had to kill them or else they would of killed Celestia knows how many other ponies, and us.
I started at her blankly, my anger overpowering my reason.'
We dropped the colt off and my Pegasus friend decided to buy some more of what she called ‘ammunition’ and left me to wander and marvel at the enormous cottages and well-dressed ponies.
Should be...
We dropped the colt off and my Pegasus friend decided to buy some more of what she called ‘ammunition’ and left me to wander and marvel at the enormous cottages and well-dressed ponies.
'“I… the tribe was safe but I wanted to help those who were not of the tribe, a winged one fell from the sky and the elders were not going to allow me to help her, but I did, and I left by my own will"'
You could extend the hotel part a bit more, maybe something like this.
Raining swayed into the nearest hotel. "Somepony's wanna fuck me silly?!" She called loudly, raising her tail high giving everypony in the room a full view of her lady parts. Most of the ponies turned away in disgust but a few ponies kept looking, with slight smiles on their faces.
I sighed and walked up behind Raining, placing a hoof on her flank. "Ohhh, that feel's good." She said suductively. I sighed again and pushed her as hard as I could so that she went skidding into the receptions desk. A loud 'thud' echoed thought out the room, and Raining struggled to stand.
I walked up to to the mare at the reception desk and kindly asked. "Room for one night?"
She nodded and quickly retrieved a key from under the desk placing it towards me. "That will be twenty-five caps please."
I nodded and looked down to see Raining still struggling to stand. I reached into her saddle bag and pulled out a jingling bag. I placed it on the counter and the mare nodded before going back to reading a paper.
I turned around to see Raining had successfully stood up and was walking over to a clearly embarrassed stallion. "Come on, you know you want me." Raining said drooling slightly as she spoke.
The stallion stood up and quickly exited the building. Raining tried to run after him but fell after three steps. I sighed for the third time in about five minutes. I walked over and grabbed Raining's mane with my teeth before throwing her on my back and walking up the stairs towards the rooms.
I scanned the room numbers as I walked past. '34, 36, ah 38.' I took the key out of my saddlebag and opened the door.
Inside was a single bed, a desk and a cupboard with one room leading off into a bathroom. I walked over to the bed and dumped Raining off my back. I heard her trying to get my attention but I ignored her. I locked the door and walked into the bathroom to 'do a number two'. When I came out, I saw that Raining was asleep and sighed for the forth time. ''No room on the bed.' I walked over next to the bed and lied down on the floor. I tossed and turned for a bit not able to fall asleep. Finally I decided to get up and walk over to the desk.
'"They were bad ponies, they would followed us, hurt us. I killed them so they didn’t hurt us or anyone else”'
Could be...
'They were bad ponies, if I had let them go they would have followed us and killed us while we slept. I had to kill them or else they would of killed Celestia knows how many other ponies, and us.
I started at her blankly, my anger overpowering my reason.'
Better or worse?
'He didn’t say anything but tapped his ear and spoke, “Bring her in, check if she has the brand”
He didn't speak but spoke? Might just wanna remove the first part about not speaking.
We dropped the colt off and my Pegasus friend decided to buy some more of what she called ‘ammunition’ and left me to
wander and marvel at the enormous cottages and well-dressed ponies.
Should be...
We dropped the colt off and my Pegasus friend decided to buy some more of what she called ‘ammunition’ and left me to wander and marvel at the enormous cottages and well-dressed ponies.
If these comments get annoying, just let me know.
'“I… the tribe was safe but I wanted to help those who were not of the tribe, a winged one fell from the sky and the elders were not going to allow me to help her, but I did, and I left by my own will"'
There is no full stop on the end.
3968900
Whats that mean?
You could extend the hotel part a bit more, maybe something like this.
Raining swayed into the nearest hotel. "Somepony's wanna fuck me silly?!" She called loudly, raising her tail high giving everypony in the room a full view of her lady parts. Most of the ponies turned away in disgust but a few ponies kept looking, with slight smiles on their faces.
I sighed and walked up behind Raining, placing a hoof on her flank. "Ohhh, that feel's good." She said suductively. I sighed again and pushed her as hard as I could so that she went skidding into the receptions desk. A loud 'thud' echoed thought out the room, and Raining struggled to stand.
I walked up to to the mare at the reception desk and kindly asked. "Room for one night?"
She nodded and quickly retrieved a key from under the desk placing it towards me. "That will be twenty-five caps please."
I nodded and looked down to see Raining still struggling to stand. I reached into her saddle bag and pulled out a jingling bag. I placed it on the counter and the mare nodded before going back to reading a paper.
I turned around to see Raining had successfully stood up and was walking over to a clearly embarrassed stallion. "Come on, you know you want me." Raining said drooling slightly as she spoke.
The stallion stood up and quickly exited the building. Raining tried to run after him but fell after three steps. I sighed for the third time in about five minutes. I walked over and grabbed Raining's mane with my teeth before throwing her on my back and walking up the stairs towards the rooms.
I scanned the room numbers as I walked past. '34, 36, ah 38.' I took the key out of my saddlebag and opened the door.
Inside was a single bed, a desk and a cupboard with one room leading off into a bathroom. I walked over to the bed and dumped Raining off my back. I heard her trying to get my attention but I ignored her. I locked the door and walked into the bathroom to 'do a number two'. When I came out, I saw that Raining was asleep and sighed for the forth time. ''No room on the bed.' I walked over next to the bed and lied down on the floor. I tossed and turned for a bit not able to fall asleep. Finally I decided to get up and walk over to the desk.
I gathered up some paper and started writing.'